kailey: grace, it's like you're in His net.
me: what do you mean?
kailey: you're under the waves, but you're secure from going down into the depths.

Oct. 5 -
I've been semi-despondent lately. The more time passes, the more I feel like I left a part of myself in Amsterdam. It's not even that place, but the people as well as the God i met in that place. The more time passes by, the more I ask God why I deserved all that He did this past summer. I didn't deserve any of it, and yet He blessed me far beyond my comprehension. Honestly, I've felt heartsick and I see how I've grown more distant from people. I don't want to open up... I'm afraid of being vulnerable and then having the chance of encountering someone slip past me. This summer changed me in ways that have carried over to this very instant. No, I don't function the same way that I used to. Right now, I'm stuck in the middle of two mentalities. One mentality that I've been experiencing is the feeling that I left my heart in Amsterdam. The other mentality is new and was spoken to me by a friend last night. I never left my heart behind. Instead, all of my experiences, all the people I met, and the same God is there in my heart right now. Maybe my heart hurts because God stretched it and grew it in ways I didn't think possible. Maybe he allowed me to experience Him over there so I might better understand Him over here.

Oct. 13 -
5 months since i've last heard from you.
God, my heart hurts for her. my heart hurts because I don't love you enough. my heart hurts because these broken relationships are overwhelming. my heart hurts because i'm fighting myself. i feel heartsick.