Dear Abby

An excerpt from an email that i wrote my friend. i'm putting it here because i'm too lazy to write down all that has been going on these past few weeks. that's hawaii for ya. ;)

so.. this is my last week in hawaii. i haven't done a lot of journaling so i'm sure that it'll bite me in the butt when i'm home and trying to process 8 weeks. on friday i spent the whole night in the prayer room with a friend worshipping, praying, reading the bible, and occasionally sleeping. i've never spent a whole night in a prayer room but it was kinda magical praying at 2 in the morning. abby, this summer has been one of restoration and even though i came in with low expectations, God really really broke through and allowed me to encounter His love once again. i realized that for 9 months, i was putting Jesus in a wheelchair and saying that He was unable to heal me and all my junk. for those 9 months, i truly felt like i was drowning and in a place where no one was able to meet me. at the beginning of mission builders, a lady prayed for me and said that Jesus was doing CPR on me and reviving me. and he has. he truly has. He has become a bigger God and even though i'm nervous about going back home, i feel that my time here is done. I feel stronger in my faith and i know that i'm not the same person going back. it's so funny because Satan likes to attack me in the same way with the same tactics but God has been equipping me with reminders of His presence and with the fact that Jesus resides in me and I have the power to invoke the authority of Jesus Christ. Also - Jesus is victorious. the enemy has got nothing on me. this is what i've been (re)learning these days and i pray that the cross and redemption would continue becoming bigger and bigger in my life. i'm happy because loving God is so effortless these days - i just go into the prayer room and sit there with Him. no words, just thoughts and sometimes quietness. 

-

today, pieter and dawn heres spoke at the mission builders tuesday night meeting. i got a chance to talk with dawn afterwards and she said she wanted to pray for me. before i forget, i'm going to write down a couple of points she mentioned in her prayer for me.

1. Gentle spirit, but strong
2. Wisdom
3. There’s a campsite with just me and Jesus sitting there, having our own tete-a-tete. Takes me by the head and he is looking steadfastly at me
4. Jesus will never leave me. He is with me - even through the valley of the shadow of death.
5. Gift of leadership. Influencing and leading others, but in a gentle way
6. Head knowledge to heart knowledge 
7. Jesus is doing CPR on me, reviving me (which is amazing, because at the beginning of my sophomore year, kailey saw a picture of me caught in a net under the waves. my friend danielle found me in the prayer room this past april and as she prayed, she saw me being carried out farther and farther away by a riptide. seriously felt this way by the end of the year; i felt like no one could meet me where i was at and that i was unreachable).

Jesus, you save.

You are my hope when i am hopeless

I confess that the school-year was so hard because i placed God in a wheelchair. I was hurting and carried doubts about the extent of his ability to heal me and my family. So so skewed, right? In my pain and in my depression, my perspective towards God, others, and myself became so toxic. The love and joy that I had in my Savior was shaken and ultimately, it influenced my relationships and self-perspective. This past month has been one of complete surrender. The Lord tells me that He is bigger. That He is bigger than my fears, anxieties, doubts, selfishness, pride, and ultimately, myself. I'm letting go of feelings of self-entitlement and control over myself and my relationships. i'm not entitled to perfect relationships; it's because of God's love and grace that He is working in my family and who am I to be bitter towards him? i surrender my family, i surrender myself. i surrender all the areas that i haven't been relinquishing to you. yes, you know. God is working, His Spirit is moving. 

I feel like my relationship with Him is becoming stronger. I feel His presence in both new and old ways. I've missed this joy I had in you, God. blind me to myself and fix my eyes on you.