I come to worship

Sometimes I think we can complicate relationships.
We think we need to be our best selves, to be the best version of ourselves to enter into relationship.
I forgot that that's not the way with Jesus. That he simply wants me to come before him just as I am.
Just as I am. Not the clean, shiny Grace. Not the Grace that is free of addictions, pride, and selfishness. The ugly Grace. The me that is pretty self-glorifying and addicted to filling the hole that I feel inside of myself at times.

Christ, I don't want to hide the ugliness of who I am when I come before you. Because when I do that, I diminish the power of your love. I diminish the reality that I am both seen and known and deeply, deeply cherished.

Actions Speak

You did not withhold

from becoming God in flesh 

You let your actions speak 

To the fragments of my heart 

To the valleys and peaks 

that crisscross my history 

Your actions speak 

of a love that cannot and will not 

be defined by mere sentences 

or subjective experiences
These walls reverberate
and shake and break

And I step out, out of myself

-------

God, I just want to acknowledge that I'm feeling pretty low today.
I am in desperate need of your love.
Nothing else. Nothing else will fill the emptiness that I at times experiences.
Nothing else will lift the melancholy. The despair that I carry in my heart at times.

Life Update

Wow. It has been a minute. I'm no longer in school, no longer studying for my board exam, immersed in barista life and drinking way too many cups of iced coffee. I ended up passing the NCLEX and couldn't help but feel a bit baffled. I mean, I wanted to pass but this means I can start to apply for nursing jobs and I'm feeling a bit ambivalent about jumping right into healthcare. I don't feel a rush (well, I guess my student debt of 125k is a motivating factor) to jump into the next season - I sense strongly in my spirit that God has me right where he wants me and that when he ushers in the next season and opportunity, he will let me know. As of now, I'm working as a barista at Philz Coffee and I am absolutely loving it. I love making handcrafted drinks, recommending different blends to people who stumble in bleary-eyed and are oblivious to the fact that they're about to get a cup of damn fine coffee (excuse my language). I love my friendships at work and I love that I can represent Christ in this neck of the woods. I'm taking it one day at a time, and it feels nice.

Hmm. What else is new? A few weeks ago, something happened to me and I just felt so loved by the Lord. That weekend I got a piece of mail from Illinois Tollway saying that I had three unpaid toll tickets and owed like $64.00. That same Sunday, I went to church and as I was walking back to my car, noticed that dreaded orange envelope on my windshield. I had gotten another ticket for parking too far away from the curb*. What the heck? Do people go around with a ruler measuring these things? I was so annoyed and in that moment, decided in my head that I would contest the ticket. I started my car and backed up closer to the curb and then decided to take a picture. Obviously this is false evidence, even if in my opinion, I wasn't 12 inches from the curb. But I was mad, and felt very entitled. I drove back to my house, and ranted to my roommate about how annoyed I was, leaving out the tidbit that I had purposely moved my car closer to the curb and had taken a picture. She offered her condolences, and gave me a pat on the back.

The next day, I was working at BomboBar and texted my roommate if she could print off something at work. I sent her the picture that I took and she replied that she went ahead and printed it off. Now at this point, I felt the Lord speaking to me. "Grace... Grace. You know that's not right." But I kept grumbling, "Lord, I don't have money for all these tickets." An hour later, a man walked into the restaurant and something about him caught my eye. Within a matter of moments, we both found out we were Christians and loved the Lord. The man pulled out his wallet and said to me, "Grace, I feel like I have to do this. I don't normally carry around cash and if I had more, I would give you more. But here is $20.00 for you." In that moment, the Lord spoke to me and said, "Grace, I am the good provider and I see you. You don't have to take care of yourself - trust that I am with you." In that moment, I felt so loved and seen. God. God, how is that you know my anxieties, worries, doubts? How is that even when I sin, you gently scold me and then don't leave me empty-handed? You leave me with your love, and it's in that space that I find that I don't want to intentionally sin against you.

I ended up paying that ticket, but I did so with gratitude in my heart. I don't think I'll ever forget how the Lord met me in that moment and sent that random stranger to me. On a side note, that man and I talked for like 40 minutes. He told me how he had been raised as a Catholic, but met Jesus later in life and now was passionate about missions. I started crying in front of him, and he looked at me with a smile on his face and said, "Grace, the Holy Spirit told me to come in here and speak to you. This isn't a chance happenstance occurrence."


*In Chicago, you will get a ticket if you are a foot away from the curb
*In Chicago, you will also get a ticket if you park within 6 feet of a stop sign (this happened to me last month)

Do yourself a favor and listen to this song by Andrea Marie. And then go check out her stuff on Spotify.

Deep calls to deep

Due to being in Utah and Maine last month, I missed a few weeks of prayer meeting at Chi Tab.  I didn't have work last night, so I made a point to go and worship and man, I found my heart coming alive. I realize that the busyness of one single day can be wrapped up in going to different places in the city and meeting with different people -  I have found that there is only one space where I feel completely seen and known, where I feel at home and can breathe a sigh of relief. And that place is when I am in the presence of God, worshipping Him with others. As I worshipped last night, I felt God saying to me, "Grace, it's so good to meet you in this space. My daughter, my daughter. I love it when you come to worship me." 

God, I want to be madly in love with you. I want to be solely captivated by you. I don't want to throw away my love to other people, to the things of this world. I want to know you. 

Thankful List

-Last Wednesday, I flew out to Salt Lake City after my pinning ceremony and surprised my mama for her birthday. Ok, I low-key have never seen her so surprised. When my sis and I arrived at the house, my mom had just woken up (it was late because my flight had been delayed) and she looked so happy and shocked. She kept clapping and was like, "Grace? Grace? Grace!!" Haha.

-My time with my sis and mom in Utah was awesome. We drove down to Southern Utah and took my mom to Hell's Backbone Grill and hiked the Lower Calf Creek Trail in Escalante-Grand Staircase. We stayed at the Bouldercreek Ranch and had good food and coffee throughout.

-This past Sunday, Tiff and I hosted a dinner party and had Lisa, Dave, and Kayla over. Tiff made chicken provencal, her amazing anchovy olive oil based salad dressing; Kayla made a fruit cobbler and a freshly blitzed lime mint seltzer drink that she and Tiff drank while they were in India; I made my homemade ricotta cheese. The dinner was amazing - I won't ever forget what became the highlight of the dinner: truffle salt. It was great sprinkled over the main dish, over the ricotta cheese/honey/crusty bread combo, over the salad.

-I hung out with Tiff again yesterday and showed her how to make the ricotta cheese - we made another batch which she took home. And then the evening got better because she taught me how to longboard! And it was great! Like I kinda want to get back on it and try to do s-curves. Which says a lot because I usually shy away from things that required coordination.

-I am officially settled into the room upstairs. I love my room so much and have loved decorating it. After two years of not having windows/natural light, it feels good to wake up to natural sunlight.

Thank you for all of these good gifts, Lord.

Worship

I realize these days that worship is not confined to a time or space, necessarily. I like to worship God when I'm by myself and when I'm with others. I like to worship the Lord when I'm at the gym, and when I'm driving somewhere. I like to worship him when I'm joyful and when I'm sad (and usually, worshipping the Lord gets me out of my funk). I like to worship him when I feel empty inside.

Someone once said that you don't use a watch as a hammer. A watch was created to tell time - not as an object to be used to pound something into a wall. If I was to use a watch as a hammer, its purpose would be completely moot. Plus, it would most likely shatter into a dozen pieces. But when a watch is used as an object to tell time - man, that's when both created object and creator are glorified. What I'm getting at is that as a human being, we were all created with one important function. We were created to worship God. And it's when we fall into alignment with that singular purpose that we naturally feel alive.

I can't.
But you can.

I can't, Lord.
But you can.

I can't. You can.
Lord, have mercy on me.

--

I think I have been struggling with depression this summer. And sometimes, I'm ok. But other times, I wake up with a weight on my chest and it's hard to do little things. I think I've been trying to evade the fact that my baseline is a constant low and I try to fill my time with noise. It's in this space that I come to the realization that it's not necessarily God's gifts or blessing or favor or even fulfilled promises that I desire. I need the cross. I need Him.

Today's Prayer

Thank you that I am not what I do

Thank you that I am not what I have 

Thank you that I am not my failures or achievements 

Thank you that I am not my past, present, or future 

Thank you that I am your daughter 

Thank you that you call me beloved 

Thank you that you sent Christ to die on the cross for me 

Thank you that I am yours 

I open my palms to be receive and to give 

I open my heart up to your presence 

I allow myself to enter into sacred spaces 

and anticipate having my day marked by divine interruptions 

Move Forward

God, today I thank you for the time I had with Abby this past week. Thank you for my friendship with her, and for the four days I got to spend with her. Thank you for the belly-aching laughter and for the deep conversations. Thank you for the things you were teaching me while I was with her. Thank you for the opportunity to do a short road-trip to Milwaukee. Lord, I give you thanks.

Thank you for last night and for the opportunity to go to Amanda's house. I pray that you would captivate my heart in this season and the upcoming season. That I would be fully aware of how you pursue me. Lord, I pray that you would take me deeper in intimacy and that I would see myself and others through your eyes and with your heart.

Lord, thank you for your faithfulness throughout my time as a graduate student. Somehow, you did it. You got me through the didactic portion of this program and through my immersion experience and my capstone project. Lord, you continue to open doors and opportunities. Thank you for the opportunity to work at BomboBar and for giving me an interview at Sugar Beet Co-op. Lord, give me discernment on how I should use my time. Regardless of where I expend my time and resources, I pray that I would do so out of trust and not fear.

Lord, I pray that you would grow my heart for others and I pray that you would give me a deep desire to serve others. Help me to be a better listener; help me to be others-focused. Lord, I pray that I would be a person of integrity and character - that everything I do would be done unto you and for your glory.

Do Not Trust Me

Do not trust my fickle heart, friend 

For it will let you down 

as it has let me down

Do not trust my intentions

They are not pure - 

there is self-gain woven throughout 

Do not trust my love, dear one  

It is conditional; I am unable to give you 

the love you so desire 

-interlude- 

My friend,

trust that He who created me 

and sent His son to 

die for me 

will fill me, 

and use me 

to be a vessel of His love.

Big Answers*

-Aside from writing my capstone paper (which I am furiously doing right now, powered by the cold brew coffee I am drinking here at Whole Foods), I am completely done with the implementation portion of my capstone project. I gave in-services to the adult care team and pediatric care team and after meeting with the statistician at school, found out that my results indicated clinical significance and statistical significance. In layman's terms, this means that the in-service on human trafficking made a difference on the healthcare provider's ability to identify and respond to victims of human trafficking in the healthcare setting. I met with Dr. Rowell, the director of clinical quality at Lawndale Christian Health Center, yesterday and we discussed next steps. The health center will create a quick-text that pulls up the screening questions/human trafficking flowsheet into the medical record and it looks like the in-service will be incorporated into the annual training that all the providers at the health center need to go through. Plus, there may be opportunities down the road for me to give the in-service at the monthly providers' meeting. So cool.

-I have been praying for a 'funsies' job that will keep me on my toes while I study for my board exam and apply to RN jobs. And God dropped two interviews on my lap - one happened earlier this afternoon and the other is scheduled for next Thursday. The job I went to go interview for was at BomboBar, this place that is known for their explosive, over-the-top desserts. Ok, so the actual interview was awesome. Imagine really friendly Australian guy that throws in a swear word every now and again and has a chill demeanor. Well, that's Evan for you. He mentioned that I was pretty overqualified for the position (most of my resume talks about my healthcare experience), but I responded by saying that I really wanted a side job that was outside of healthcare. We talked about our international travels and by the time I walked out of the interview, felt strongly that I had gotten the job. Sure enough, I got an email from Evan welcoming me to the crew. I'm super excited to work in a place where the staff are supported by management and where I'll be able to dabble in food industry. Plus, the perks are pretty cool as well! It sounds like Evan takes the staff out to eat every now and again and he mentioned that I get gift cards if someone mentions me on a Yelp review. Plus, I get a 50% discount on all the restaurants owned by Dineamic group.

The other job I applied to is this place called Sugar Beet Co-op in Oak Park. I would stop by the store every time I had a shift at Rush Oak Park Hospital to grab goodies for the night shift crew and this place is seriously my jam. It's a fancy food co-op that supports local farmers and is owned by members of the community. If I end up getting hired at this place, I'm going to try to work both jobs. Am I being an overly ambitious, recently graduated and more importantly very broke nursing student? Quite possibly.

*This is a list of some ways in which God has answered some prayer requests

Prayer Requests

I don't know who (if anyone) reads this blog, but I figure I may as well as throw some prayer requests out into cyberspace (actually, I'm at school right now and we are on break and I figured it was a good use of my time instead of watching the newest season of Project Runway).

So, what are the prayer requests on my heart?

-I need God to soften my heart towards one of my roommates. It was my birthday recently, and she didn't reach out on the day of my birthday and didn't communicate with me whether or not she was going to attend a birthday event that I had planned for the following day. Overall, I feel disregarded and hurt. It's one thing if you don't live together or if you just simply forget - heck, life happens and that's totally normal. A small part of me wonders if she just intentionally didn't reach out.  I guess I'm disappointed because I've tried to be intentional about different important dates in her life and I guess I just feel a bit like our friendship has taken a seat on the back burner. Maybe, I'm blowing this out of proportion and I probably just need to sit down and talk to her and communicate my feelings instead of being distant towards her. Maybe I'm being emotionally needy and infantile, but I can't help but acknowledge that these things matter to me. Pray that my heart softens and that I can be loving and gracious.

-I went to Chicago Tabernacle and recently, I've had this strong desire for a prayer buddy. Interestingly enough, a lady came and prayed for me and she prayed for just that. 

-Pray for my cousin Eunice, who was diagnosed with breast cancer and just went and got a mastectomy done the other day. Pray that she experiences the deep love of God and healing. Pray for Kelly and Dennis, two peers from my cohort. Both of them just lost their fathers to different heart conditions. Pray that the Lord would meet them in their grief and loss.

-I am completely done with immersion - the next time I step foot on a unit will most likely be when I am a certified RN. I'm in the middle of wrapping up my capstone project - pray that God would use the small seeds of protocol implementation that has been set into action through my work to expand clinic-wide. 

-Pray for next steps. I'm approaching this next season with a 'palms up' mentality. God, my life belongs to you - do with it as you will. 

Thanks, cyber buddies (whoever you are).

I give you my heart
I give you my heart
Lord, I give you this heart

My Friend Ali

This past weekend, I got to housesit for my friend Sarah. She vaguely mentioned that she needed someone to welcome some guests when they arrived at the house - little did I know the she and her family run an international homestay and have students from all around the world stay with them for an extended period of time. I was super pumped because this was a major throwback to my Youth Hostel Ministry days (when I backpacked Europe in college and worked at a youth hostel in Amsterdam). The weekend was great. I got to her house on Saturday evening and as I was parking my car, noticed a guy smoking in front of the house. Sarah mentioned that there were currently two guys from Saudi Arabia and Colombia, Ali and Sergio. Two additional girls would be arriving from Italy the next day and my job was to welcome them and give them a tour of the house. Anyways,  I parked my car and introduced myself to Ali, the guy who was outside taking his smoke break. The conversation was easy, and we ended up walking to Target to get some food that we were going to grill the next day. I casually asked if he wanted to go to church with me, and he replied that he would go with me if he woke up in time. He also casually noted that he usually slept pretty late - around 5 or 6 am.

The next morning, I texted him from Sarah's room asking if he was awake. My phone lit up with his response - he was awake. We ended up going to church and later that afternoon I had the most transparent and open conversation with Ali. Let me rewind - Ali is a Muslim who at one point in his life looked into other religions. I think we all want our faith to reflect an individual choice and not just something that blends into the background of our culture and family tradition. At least that's what both he and I agreed upon. We were both born into our respective religions, but at one point, we each decided to make our faith something we actively chose to pursue and adhere to. After some soul-searching, Ali decided that Islam was a religion that he wanted to dedicate his life to. And for me, that religion was Christianity and that relationship was Christ. Our conversation continued to unfold, and Ali stated, "Grace, I think my religion is not so different from yours. There are some similarities." I found myself agreeing. And yet, as our conversation continued and the differences became apparent, I found my heart growing heavy. "Ali, tell my about your relationship with God. What if both devotion and being a good person aren't enough? Both you and I are broken people and we are sinful. What makes you right before God?" He replied that being a devout Muslim and being a good person had the potential of moving God to act in mercy and allow a person into heaven. But what if it's not enough? How do you know for certain that how you live is going to move God's heart and cause him to be merciful towards you? Ali responded by saying that there was no way of knowing.

I talked about my right standing before God made possible because of Christ dying for my sins. I pursue Christ because of what he has done for me; I pursue Him because despite my sin, I find complete acceptance before God through Christ. Our conversation ended on a mutual tone of respect and appreciation of one another. I appreciate that Ali stepped out of his comfort zone to come to church with me. I appreciate my conversation with him and I appreciate that he was willing to share and listen.

I am intrigued by Ali and want to continue to invest in my friendship with him. I believe that friendships are gifts from God and I don't think it's a coincidence that I met Ali. As he mentioned during our conversation with a smile on his face, "nothing is by chance. I'm sitting here before you because God ordained it."

Heart Matters

In the silence
You whisper
what my mind already knows,
what my heart seemingly needs to re-learn
Beloved

This is the truth that I will incline my heart towards

Thankful List

-Thankful for homemade iced coffee
-I got to provide an in-service training on identifying and responding to victims of human trafficking at LCHC and I'm so thankful that I got to connect with the providers on the West Care Team
-Thankful for how the Lord meets me in empty spaces and overwhelms me with his love
-I went over to Sarah Ekstrand's house yesterday for dinner - I'm excited to housesit for her this weekend and meet some international people who will be flying in from Italy and Spain
-Honeydew and fage (2%) yogurt are a great combo
-Thankful to run into old friends at LCHC (Blythy!!)
-Lately, God's word has been really strengthening my heart and I feel like overall, I'm in a better place than a few weeks ago
-Thankful for Jessica - she is absolutely so lovely and I love that she is living with us this summer. Hehe I've been dragging her around town on all sorts of mini adventures.

Thankful List

-I made my connecting flight from LaGuardia to GSO.
-My luggage didn't get lost (even though it arrived from LGA a day late).
-Thankful for time with Pastor Hea Bin! Thankful that I got to spend time with her and Larry at Panera Bread and do bible study. Thankful that Larry treated us both to cold brew and lunch.
-Pastor Hea Bin made kalguksu for dinner and man, Korean food does something to my soul. I feel like I am the most connected to my culture through two things: Korean food and early morning prayer.
-I finally sent in my application to work at the Sugar Beet Food Co-op in Oak Park. Fingers crossed.
-Thankful for this last term of my graduate program. I'm more than halfway done with my immersion hours and feel so thankful to have been paired with such a great preceptor and night shift crew at ROPH. Excited to be finito with this program (August 14th!!).
-Thankful for the opportunity to go to Jeanie's wedding and reconnect with friends from Wheaton College.
-Excited and thankful for the upcoming trips in August: my sister and I are surprising my mom for her 61st birthday and taking her to Southern Utah to hike the slot canyons and treat her to Hell's Backbone Grill. Later in the month, I'll be flying out to Philly to visit Cali. We'll be doing an east-coast road trip to Portland and Bar Harbor, Maine. Hurrah hurrah for seafood and lobster rolls!
-Thankful for God's faithfulness and how he is alway so faithful in his pursuit of me and my fickle heart.

When I thought I lost me
You knew where I left me
You reintroduced me to Your love
You picked up all my pieces
Put me back together
You are the defender of my heart

Hallelujah, You have saved me
So much better this way
Hallelujah, great Defender
So much better Your way

All I did was praise
All I did was worship
All I did was bow down
All I did was stay still

One More Time

Unsatisfied. I am so unsatisfied. God, I confess that I have been giving a lot of time, energy, and devotion to various idols in my life. I forget that this is the natural trajectory of idol-worship, that worshipping anything other than you will only leave me feeling empty. 

I think you know (no, I know that you know) that I'm in a lot of pain. That most of the time, I carry around a heart that aches and I can't seem to contain the hurt in my heart from spilling over. That the line between me doing well and me doing poorly is pretty thin, and that more often than not I find myself in the desperate space. 

So one more time, I ask that you would captivate my heart. That you would give me the boldness to bring my idols to the foot of the cross and trust your grace and power to resist my greatest temptations. One more time, I ask that you would incline my heart to you and help me to devote myself to wholeheartedly live for you. 

It's my joy to lose my life
And find it in Jesus Christ

You Move (part 2)

On a whim (and perhaps out of desperation), I submitted a prayer request on Chicago Tabernacle's website. Anyone (regardless of whether you live in Chicago, live in a different state or even in a different country) can submit a prayer request on the website. The church prints them out and every Tuesday night, we pray over the requests at the prayer meeting.

In this request, I asked for prayer regarding my upcoming graduation and mentioned that I am passionate about serving underserved communities and local and global missions. I asked specifically for prayer regarding God-ordained opportunities and that I would continue to step out boldly and confidently in faith. 

Today, I received two emails from Chicago Tabernacle - one was a response email that I think everyone gets and then I got the following email a few hours later:

God, I don't know all that you are going to do in this upcoming season, but I say yes. Yes to your plans, yes to your dreams, yes to your will.

You Move

I was at the house, talking to my sister and waiting for the plumber to come and I saw that I had a missed call from my mentor, Teretha. She had left a vm and in it, she was super excited and even though I couldn't catch her entire message, I gleaned that "she had something very important to tell me." We were able to connect an hour later, and in true Teretha fashion, she cut to the chase and said, "Gracie, God sees your restless heart. He knows what you have been going through and he knows that you are unsatisfied. Big changes are coming - he is going to use you but first, he needs to heal you."

Teretha proceeded to talk about how God had placed me on her heart for the past two weeks and that he placed on her heart this idea of a night of healing where basically she and I and a few other women will go on a mini-retreat somewhere and allow the Holy Spirit to work. As she was sharing this, I got goosebumps. She said that I would go in one way and come out a completely changed person.

God, thank you for your faithfulness. Thank you that you know me and that you see my heart. The cry of my heart is that you would heal me so that you can use me for your Kingdom. Don't get me wrong, God uses broken people but I want to experience a radical, life-transforming paradigm shift where I am no longer held captive by my past. God. I want this. And I thank you in advance that this is a prayer that you have already granted and that you are presently answering.

Confession:

I've been living in a lot of fear these past few weeks. And that fear has manifested itself internally and externally and has wound itself around my heart and into a knot. God, I feel so restless. Here I am, at the end of another season. About to graduate, about to begin immersion, unsatisfied, confused, unable to fake it, not wanting to fake it. There is a deep cavern within me, and I realize that only your presence can meet me in this space. Help me to surrender my relationships, my desire to be seen and wanted, the fear that I have wrapped myself in. Open the eyes of my heart, that I would see who you are and who I am in relation to you. Moment-by-moment grace is what my heart needs.

Thankful List

-Getting to talk to Jon during clinical and the opportunity to talk about my faith
-Hanging out with Mae and Rebecca at Spinning J
-Going over to Leah's house. I truly love this lady so much, and am so thankful that whenever I get to hang out with her, our conversation is mutually edifying and SO refreshing. I made some popcorn and we watched 'If Beale Street Could Talk'. I've never been a fan of love stories, but WOW. This movie made such an impression on me and I can't stop thinking about it.

Lord, it's true - the more I get to know you
the more I need
the more I want
diminish this need for self-satisfaction
and increase hunger for you

These days, the prayer that has been on the tip of my tongue has been "open the eyes of my heart".
I cannot wake myself up to see the majesty of God, I cannot shake this slumbering heart to desire and live in anticipation of the kingdom of God. I cannot will myself to love God above myself.

I can, however, ask God to give me more of the Holy Spirit.
His presence moves doubt, breaks strongholds, redeems the past, reminds me of his moment-by-moment grace, calls me to greater levels of intimacy.

I feel it to the core of my being - the cry of my spirit and being is to worship God and to live this life in deep communion with him.

The Spirit Moves

Day 37 of the 40 day challenge. I woke up early this morning and as I was praying, felt so thankful. Thankful that as a daughter of the King, I can enter into the throne room boldly, confidently, and in anticipation of the Lord's presence. When I started the 40-Day Prayer Challenge, the Lord spoke to me and said that I would come out of this prayer challenge a changed person. And yes, these past 37 days have indeed been life-changing - the Lord has been transforming me into someone who is more dependent on the Lord, more hungry for his presence, and more on fire for prayer. All this aside, one of the top prayers on my list was that the Lord would do something new inside of me, that he would start to shift the way I see myself and the way I see Him. That he would break the orphan mentality that I have been carrying for most of my life. A bold prayer, right? God has and is answering this prayer request. Sure, there have been days when the spiritual warfare seems a bit more intense and moments when I backslide, but overall I feel as if I am emerging out of this intense season of prayer with greater awareness of who I am as a child of God.

Today, at church, Pastor Peter delivered a powerful sermon that spoke to the heart of the Gospel. I'm sure it'll get uploaded onto the church's website (*insert reminder to listen to 3/10's sermon again). At the end of the message, I found myself making my way to the front of the room and kneeling before the cross. And before I knew it, I found myself experiencing the presence of the Holy Spirit. I cannot adequately describe this singular moment, all I know is that I kept shouting "Jesus, thank you. Thank you, Jesus." Oh, and there were a lot of tears. In that moment, I felt God's love wash over me.

I found myself at the foot of the cross. A sinner. Needy. Broken. Met by Christ. Known. Beloved. Restored.

Thankful List

-The above worship song!
-God's sovereignty - He can make positive situations out of negative ones, big dreams out of little ones, small acts of faith and obedience into fruit that glorifies Him, the impossible into the possible.
-Shari is staying with us this weekend and we had a Better Way party last night.
-Thankful for opportunities to cook and for the joy of cooking - made a galette for last night's party!
-I'm almost done with the 40-Day Prayer Challenge and WOW, I can't believe I only have a few days left. I suggested to Lisa that we should do this again and maybe incorporate corporate fasting (just to amp things up). God does beautiful things individually and collectively and I can only imagine what He is going to do when a group of women come together to pray AND fast. At the end of the day, I am going to continue praying bold prayers, knowing that I can approach the throne boldly and confidently.  The best prayer that I can possibly pray is to ask the Lord for more of the Holy Spirit, for more of his presence.
-The other day, I stopped by to get coffee at Dunkin' Donuts before hopping on the train to go home from school and I was struggling to download the app that would get me a discounted latte. The lady behind the window handed me an almond milk latte and said, "Honey, the latte is on me. Don't miss your train." I was so touched by her act of kindness. Wow, Lord, I pray that you would bless her and her generous heart.
-I also met with my capstone advisor for the first time the other day and the first thing she said as I was walking into her office was, "Grace, the work you have submitted is horrible." She then proceeded to tear apart my proposal and in the beginning I was defensive and didn't understand why she was so antagonistic. As we talked, however, I prayed to the Lord and asked him to soften my heart towards her. Immediately, I felt my heart softening and felt an increase in compassion and patience towards her. Wow, God, wow!!! You hear our small prayers. Anyways, I was able to explain a bit more about why some sort of protocol regarding identifying and responding to human trafficking is needed at Lawndale Christian Health Center, given the population and the newest statistic that Chicago is the 5th largest hub for human trafficking in the United States. We ended on a positive note and I told her I would give her an update once I met with my capstone committee. Anyways, I feel good moving forward and I trust that the Lord is going to use this opportunity to bless North Lawndale and the health center.

The Weight of Tears

I see your heart when you hold out a piece of tissue,

some sort of condolence to acknowledge and respond 

to moments that cannot be brushed aside 

Friend, allow me to refrain from grasping unto what you offer 

Allow me to pause and feel the weight of rolling tears - 

this one moment when what I am feeling inside 

decidedly expresses itself to you. 

Thankful List

-Hanging out with Derek, Christine, Sharon last night and breaking down our enneagram personality types
-Baptism Sunday
-Fellowshipping with people after service over lunch
-Ruthie wanted to talk to me after service and I walked away from the conversation feeling so encouraged and excited to see how the Lord is going to grow me in the body of Christ. I feel so thankful that the Lord put it on her heart to reach out to me. Oftentimes, I see the potential within myself to serve others but often feel hindered at my own ineptness or my own brokenness and tendency to isolate myself. Ruthie mentioned that she sees leadership potential in me and wanted to talk to me about specific passions (like missions) and how those can be equipped to serve the church community. Wow - thank you Lord. I submit to how you want to use me; I submit because I desire to grow and I desire to be better equipped to serve and live for your Kingdom.
-Running into Kevin at Colectivo Coffee; studying with Michael and 2.0.


I've stopped following my dreams and I've started to follow Jesus, and my dreams have followed.

Conversations with Jambi

Jambi came to visit this past weekend and I had a few significant conversations with her yesterday. In the morning, I came upstairs and was doing my morning devotional at the kitchen table and she came out of her room to join me at the table. Somehow, we started talking about heaven and how in heaven, unceasing revelation of the glory of God will evoke unceasing worship. I ended up sharing a very personal and powerful encounter that I experienced a few years ago in Arizona when I was visiting my mentor in Phoenix. We were at a church retreat and we were worshiping and the guest speaker pointed me out in the audience and said, "You are going to experience the glory of God in a new way in this moment. The fire of God is going to fall upon you." And I did. In that moment, my hands and head felt like they were on fire. I fell to the ground, and started crying and experienced an intimate glimpse of God's love. Just imagine love that is untainted by sin, brokenness, and selfishness. The world offers love that fails to deliver because it will never match up to what only God can deliver. I felt His pure and holy love washing over my heart and all I could do in response was lay prostrate on the floor and cry and cry. 

I have experienced God's love in my life, but that experience at the retreat was one where the Holy Spirit touched me and revealed the glory of God to me in a deeper way. I shared my story with Jambi, and our conversation came back to the reality of what heaven will be like - a state of constant worship. In my head, my experience of God's glory was only a minuscule glimpse and taste of heaven; indeed, I'm thankful that I can even experience God's love here on earth. So, that being said, my prayer is that God would continue to open my eyes and heart and that I would wake up each morning with wonder and amazement over the love of God. I pray for deeper revelation, and deeper worship. 

___________________________

Later that afternoon, I came back home and we met again at the table. I started to share a little bit of my history with Jambi and for some reason, started opening up about my family and how my dad walked out on my family when I was a year old and how I grew up with a pretty dark childhood. After talking for a bit, Jambi pointed out that like Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego - figures in the book of Daniel who were thrown into the fiery furnace and came out unsinged and unharmed by the flames - God has similarly preserved me and kept me from harm. Jambi turned to me and said, "Grace, you are healed from your past. It's like there isn't even a bandage covering up a wound. You are healed." 

I am healed. I am known and seen and beloved by a God who is gracious, merciful & abundant in His love.

2019: Confidence

What with all the holiday travels and celebrations (Sam & Kevin are engaged! Alison reached 87% of her support today!), I haven't had time to process through this last year and think in-depth about 2019.

Let's start with a quick recap of 2018: 

-I read a copious amount of books and tried my hand at making key lime pie, pavlova, & panna cotta. I definitely recommend making Alison Roman's key lime pie. The cup of freshly squeezed lime juice is worth all the hand cramps and more.

-Visited Cali in Philly, road-tripped to Antelope Canyon, spent Thanksgiving with Alison's family in Wisconsin & ran the turkey trot in the most frigid of weather conditions, had a mini family reunion in San Francisco and got to hang out with Eunice and her husband Toby. 

-Attended three conferences: The Gospel and Our Cities Conference, CCDA, GMHC.

-Went to 4 weddings (one in North Dakota, one in Wisconsin, two in Illinois).

-Got free residential tickets to Riot Fest and saw Beck. 

-Visited a missionary family in Medellin, Colombia for 10 days.

-Grew more in love with my community and God. Attended most of the weekly Tuesday prayer meetings at Chicago Tabernacle. 

Blessings: 

-Alison and Grace moving in last year.

-The ways in which God opened doors and allowed me to go to Colombia and then reaffirmed the calling on my life at GMHC.

-The ways in which God protected my relationship with my mom and sister, even during tension-filled moments. 

Moving into 2019: 

I am inspired by Kevin's approach towards the new year: choose a theme word and somehow incorporate it in different ways throughout the year. I believe his word for 2019 is discipline and that each month, he will try to practice a different form of discipline. One word immediately popped into my head for this year: confidence.

Confidence in the Lord.
Confidence in my identity as a beloved child of God.
Allowing that confidence to manifest itself in different ways, whether it be consistent tithing, pursuing friends and family with Christlike love, trusting in the Lord and acting not out of fear but trust. 

LEZ GO.