My trip back to SLC ended far quicker than I thought it would; I'm back in Chicago and am thankful that today's travel day was completely hassle-free. The plane departed on time and I got my baggage just as Christina was arriving at Midway. My time home was an interesting mix of sweet and sour; overall, I can't help but be grateful for the time I had with my sis and mom. If anything, my mom and I were really intentional about praying together and I even rolled out of bed to go with her to early morning prayer service. Unexpected deep conversations with my sister left me marveling at God's mysterious nature. Like it is so clear that he is continuing to work in her heart and in her life and I am reminded that God's work and his hand are sometimes not externally evidenced. He goes deep, and I had the honor of seeing glimpses of his hand working even as my sister vulnerably shared with me what she is currently going through. If anything, my trip home made me realize that the bond between us is getting stronger and that the Lord is using both of us to sharpen each other and point one another to him.
I feel like I am returning to Chicago not quite the same as I left it. When I had dinner with Janet and Julian at Gather a few weeks ago, we asked each other what we desired for the next year. I don't really have any big plans/changes on the horizon (no changes in current housing or employment, no big trips planned, etc.); regardless, I responded by saying that I had high hopes for 2022. This past year was phenomenal because for the first time in my life, I sensed deep transformation within myself. And out of that transformation came a desire to pursue people and love them unconditionally like Christ. For 2022, I want the Lord to continue to fan that flame and provide opportunities for me to love and serve the people around me. I want to live deeply and richly in the Lord's love. I want to be aware of his love and live for his affirmation and not others (thus, why I decided to take a much-needed hiatus from Instagram).
Anyways, I'm thankful to be back home in Chicago. I'm thankful that I can end this day having FaceTimed my sister and having checked in with Janet and Julian via Messenger. Thankful that this thankful list somehow turned into an actual blog post.
I let it go - forgotten desires for a relationship with my dad, unmet expectations, the restlessness I feel at times. I let it go; I lay it down. Lord, meet me at the foot of the cross - I pray that I would not be the same person after each encounter with you.
Thursday, December 2, 2021
Do you ever wake up, with extra love and kindness towards yourself? There are moments when my vision shifts, and God allows me to see myself through his eyes. And there's a lot of love there. There's a lot of grace and mercy and laughter. The Lord loves my heart towards him, and my heart towards others. He loves my humility and openness to being corrected when I'm in the wrong. He loves me in all of my ups and downs, highs and lows, moments when I am burdened and moments when I am carefree. He loves the silly side, the absentminded side, the contemplative/serious side... The empathetic side. The Grace that desires to connect with different people and simply show them the love of God and nudge them closer to His heart.
I sense the Lord telling me, "Grace, I'm right here. I will continue to satisfy you; have no fear."
One of my favorite parts of Sunday service is the end of service, post-benediction and when people start to slowly gather their things and rise out of their seats. The worship team will usually draw out the last song and I find that I don't want to move on from that moment. Time pauses and it's this lingering moment that I feel the least burdened and the most carefree. Indeed, my inclination is to stay, because I am aware and in awe of the Lord's presence and his love.
Lord, help me to linger more often in your presence. Help me to be continually in awe of who you are. Set my gaze on you; show me more of who you are.
Sunday, November 21, 2021
God, I do not know - it is ok to not know.
I choose to turn to you once again
And I lay my need to know down at the foot of the cross
I took wrong exits on the freeway (not once, but twice).
I got overstimulated and easily overwhelmed at the AM vax site and towards the end of the day, I got impatient with Maggie and was rude to her in front of the team.
I'm supposed to have my micro-group over tonight but quite frankly, I feel drained and don't really want to socialize with people, let alone host.
These are my limits today, Lord.
These are the limits I surrender before you.
I ask for humility as I apologize to Maggie;
I ask that I would have grace towards myself.
I ask that you would fill me with joy and strength
as I sit before you.
Once again, I pray that you would help me in this moment.
Prepare me for tonight; I pray that you would meet me
I unexpectedly have the day off today and it's a bit of a godsend because I've been wanting to process these past few weeks and months. For the most part, life has been a joyful whirlwind of growing deeper in my relationships with my community here in Chicago, training for the upcoming marathon, and simply soaking in this season of life.
Indeed, this chapter has been unlike any past season. For most of my life, the journey towards healing has been painstakingly slow and at times, I felt like the changes didn't cut deep enough. I don't discount the times when the Lord encountered me powerfully; in fact, those were the times that carried me through many a dry season. Still, the deep sense of brokenness and pain that was a product of my childhood was too closely bound up to my personal sense of identity. I functioned from a place of brokenness, and I didn't know how to live life any differently.
And yet, something began to shift in 2020. It's like all the past moments of God's love and grace put me on this trajectory that led to this year and things began to accelerate and I sensed in myself deep internal changes that were further accelerated by serving at church and rooting myself deeper in community. I had the opportunity to start seeing a professional counselor (which I'm still doing), and I started to lean into a season of growing to accept my past and love myself.
When the Lord asked me to sign up for the 2021 Chicago Marathon earlier this year, I had a sense that it wasn't a random request. Sure enough, these past four months have only served to holistically underline and reflect the internal and external changes in my life. Walls started to come down, strongholds started to break, deeply embedded lies started to dissipate. I find myself emerging out of this season as the person the Lord created me to be: his deeply, deeply cherished daughter. Free to love and be loved. Never abandoned and always cared for by the Lord.
The changes cut deep. While the past has shaped much of who I am, the pain and dross no longer resides deeply in my heart. I do not see myself stuck in the past; indeed, the narrative has shifted. In my heart of hearts, I can't help but whisper, "God, this is a miracle." It is indeed a miracle, and I am forever indebted to the Lord.
Lord, I confess that I am easily distractible. I lose sight of you, and feign indifference. Or maybe I have grown complacent and comfortable with living a distracted life. Lord, I pray that the things of this world would continue to fall short, continue to fail to meet my expectations and dreams and desires. I pray that nothing would satisfy me aside from you and your presence. Woo me once again. I ask that you would open the eyes of my heart, that I would seek you with all my heart, soul, mind and strength. Fill me with a passion for your name, that you would be lifted high in my life.
-Teretha came over on Sunday and we ended up talking for like 4 hours. I was so encouraged by her; like, I don't see her often but when we do get a chance to connect, wowza we go in! I'm so thankful that she is my spiritual mom - she spurs me on to love the Lord deeper and her life and posture towards the Lord is a reminder that the Lord wants not just bits and pieces of me, but all of me.
-For Labor Day, a group of us (Ale/Eyob/Julian/Rolando/John) went up to Skokie Lagoons and spent the day kayaking. We had lunch on the lagoon and even though there were some unexpected events (John couldn't find his car keys when we turned our kayaks in) that transpired, it was one of the most fun/joyful days I've had in a while. Everyone had such a good/fun attitude and not only were we able to meet John's roommate to get his house keys, but the kayak rental place actually found his keys so we didn't have to drive back and forth from the city back to Skokie. Most of the day was captured via photos/live footage and I'm so glad because I can look back and laugh at all of the silly moments we experienced throughout the day. Seriously so thankful for these friends - my heart is super full and I don't take their presence in my life for granted.
-Being creatively inspired by the friends in my life and creating art for them.
-The marathon is officially a month away! This past Saturday, I ran 18 miles with World Vision and I felt GOOD! I'm feeling more and more confident about this upcoming marathon. I'm trying to take it one day at a time; overall, I'm super thankful that the Lord pushed me to sign-up for this race. It's definitely been a transformative season for me.
I don't usually dream, but when I do, they're pretty vivid and emotional. I woke up early this morning in a state of semi-consciousness only to fall back asleep quickly thereafter. My dad was in my dream, and I remember him asking me, "Grace, what do you want to do?" While it was a simple enough dream, the emotions that colored that moment in dreamtime remain with me and probably are manifestations of what I've always desired: a father that is reachable/present. Whenever these desires surface, I'm caught-off guard and something in me just breaks. And I can't help but run to the Lord, broken and desperate.
-Thankful for my awesome teammates and for their willingness to give me rides (at least while my car is still in the shop). I've really gotten to know one of our student volunteers, Ellie, during our car rides and I am so thankful for her. I think it's really special when you find someone you can laugh with, and I've really bonded with Ellie because we laugh about everything. I'm sad that'll this is her last week with us and that she'll be going back to U of Michigan for school.
-The opportunity to run the Chicago Marathon this year. I have always wanted to run the marathon but always shirked back from biting the bullet and signing up; however, back in June, I found myself stuck on a plane and ended up signing up for this year's marathon with World Vision. At the time, the Lord nudged my heart and said to me, "Grace, this is the year. I'm going to show you new things and you're going to see yourself growing in profound ways." True to word, this summer has been one of huge growth and I'm thankful that training for this marathon has reflected the internal changes that have been happening within.
-Yesterday, I got a call from my mechanic who got around to diagnose my car - basically, my radiator broke down and all the coolant had leaked from my car. He was amazed that nothing dangerous happened while I was driving my car down south to vaccinate a homebound patient. I'm so glad I decided to tow it back to the city - I 100% know that my prayers for physical protection were answered.
-Last week, I was notified by the Nursing Corps Repayment Loan program that I was a finalist for the award and that as long as the Dept. of HSS designee cosigns off on the contract, I will be awarded 60% of my student loans (I have to commit to serving as an RN at a designated CSF for two years). After two years, I can apply for a 3rd year commitment and be awarded an additional 25%. THIS IS HUGE. And another big big answer to prayer. I applied earlier this year in January, and have prayed for many years that the Lord would help with my loans. Last Wednesday, I called my mom to wish her a happy birthday - we got to talking and she said, "Grace, I know you're stressed about your car and repair costs. Don't worry - the Lord is with you and is faithful." Two hours later, I got an email from the Nursing Corps Repayment Loan program saying that there was a status update on my application. I opened it and gasped out loud, and immediately praised the Lord. Again and again, the Lord shows me that he can be trusted, and that he is good.
-I'm thankful for this season of life where I am able to see my own growth. I recently did something that was a bit outside of my comfort zone, and I commend myself for being bold. The outcome was one that gave me clarity and I was reminded that the Lord is protecting my heart and emotions.
-Thankful for Tobe Nwigwe's recent [At the Crib Version] releases. His song 'Try Jesus' is so good and the lyrics... Wow. Can't stop listening.
-Dinner with Greg, Lais, Julian, Rolando, Alicia last Saturday. We made a traditional Korean dish and it was so fun just cooking with friends. And also trying flavored soju for the first time!
In all of these things, I am able to bask in the Lord's good love. I am overwhelmed by his goodness.
-Dinner with Greg, Lais, and Sam. The evening was so perfect and I think we sat around the table for around four hours just talking and laughing. I loved meeting their daughter, Alicia, and her pet bunny. Other highlights included: a great spread of food, homemade ricotta cheese, Lambrusco wine.
-Thankful for yesterday's worship set at church and for being able to worship in-person.
-My long run this past Saturday (13-miles) went really well, considering that I was hanging out with friends the night before. I love the group of middle-aged men I run with ha! We are a steady 10:00-10:30 pace group.
-I somehow got on the Beyonce bandwagon and now I can't get off. I don't know why I've never really listened to her albums but wow. So good. I can't stop repeating some of her songs on the album '4'. Like why am I always late to the pop culture scene? Haha.
-After church service, Tina, Sharon, Janet and I went and had brunch at Andros Taverna (yes, it's true, I've been to this place 3x this past month). It was lovely to just hang with them and chat and talk with them.
-Janet and I went over to Sarah's place and went to her pool and then we grilled kalbi (courtesy of Janet's mom). The cuts of meat were so thick and WOWZA I cried. Literally, sometimes eating Korean food is such a gut-punch of happiness and I have really intense visceral reactions of joy. Honestly, yesterday was such a beautiful day of laughter and community. Sarah, Janet and I sat around the table having Makku (this very hip brand of Korean makgeolli) and ate and just enjoyed each other's company. Sarah also brought out this Taiwanese beer which was pretty good as well. All in all, a great time. After, we took out the guitar and worshipped and it felt so good to do so in a smaller, more intimate setting.
-We called Julian and told him how much we missed him. Oh, and I found out that Janet and Julian have been having these organic car chats and now I'm more motivated to pursue my friends more intentionally and really try to go beyond surface level hangouts. Maybe I'll lock Julian in my car and force him to have deep car chats with me LOL. Just kidding.
-This Beyonce song!!! Ok, so the video is kinda sultry but those vocals tho!!!
-Making homemade ricotta cheese and creamy vegan lemon bars for dinner with Greg & Lais tomorrow
-Sitting out on the patio with Brenna and eating at my current fav restaurant, Andros Taverna (I had their maroulosalata and their pistachio moon cocktail - the pistachio orgeat was so perfect and made the drink so creamy and delicious). Andros Taverna. Wow, amazing brunches and their dinner menu is rockin.
-Cooler days. I'm looking forward to the 13-miler tomorrow.
During my time in Chicago, I've spent most of my Tuesday evenings worshipping and praying at Chicago Tabernacle. Sometimes, I'll invite others along; mostly, I'll go by myself. For most of 2020, the pandemic put a pause on these weekly outings and even though I would tune in every once in a while to the online stream, it definitely fell short of the whole experience. Last night, I went to the prayer meeting and I know this probably sounds corny, but it was like I went on a date with the Lord. It felt so good to simply worship him and sit in his presence. As I stood there, arms lifted high, I felt the Lord saying "Grace, this part of your life is coming to a close; get ready for a new chapter and for me to surprise you." I feel it in my spirit - there is a new season coming up and I feel like my only response to what's up ahead is to once against lift the past and the present before the Lord and simply worship the one constant being who has been by my side through it all.
-The nudgings of the Holy Spirit and how the Spirit puts me in my lane
-Baking cowboy cookies for friends
-Finding a Greek restaurant in town that does brunch as good as Manoli's
-Great conversations where the presence of the Lord is so tangible - thankful for Tina and how she consistently overflows with the Lord's love and passion
-This current season with all of its surprises / the surprises up ahead
-I'm coming up on my 1-year job anniversary and I'm just so thankful that the Lord has me in Community Health nursing. I never would have imagined I would be where I am today, let alone work alongside such phenomenal people.
-When I look back at these past few years, I honestly can say that I am not the same person. In fact, I feel like fear doesn't hold me back as much and I don't fall into my old patterns of isolation - I am more eager to seek out community and pour into others. I am more driven to love without restraint or conditions attached.
-The opportunity to run the Chicago Marathon this year; I feel like I am much more disciplined and it feels good to challenge myself and work towards a goal.
-The many friendships that were born during the pandemic (you know who you are).
So this past Sunday I turned 28 years old. I didn't really have anything planned, but then a week prior, decided on a whim to gather my friends together and have a dance party. Mind you, I've never thrown myself a birthday party and honestly didn't know what to expect. Things really started to come together, however, and as the week progressed, I found myself getting more and more excited. Shaun let me borrow his sound bar and even came by and installed it. The Werners let me borrow their disco party lights and then I started to plan what I wanted to bake for the party and began to designate certain food items to close friends. And then people started saying yes, that they would come and I found myself getting more and more pumped. The day of my birthday, I went to church and came home and began to bake the cake (a yellow sheet cake with fresh berry (raspberry/blueberry/blackberry) buttercream frosting designed in a wavy, stripe-y pattern resembling a Missoni-patterned dress. I had a designated table with all the dessert items: sugar cookies/cupcakes with the above berry frosting/chocolate meringue/Italian cookies). The kitchen table had an assortment of food items (cheese/cracker platter, bread/baked cheese dip, veggie platter, tortilla chips/Rob's green sauce, ceviche, chips, fresh fruit). Here are some of the highlights from the dance party:
-My friends came with flowers! Alma came walking up the stairs with the most beautiful, eye-catching arrangement and Jane got me a bouquet of lilies/roses.
-Everyone I invited seemed to get along (I invited all my different friend groups (work/church/Lawndale) and it was such a joy to see everyone assembled in one room.
-A friend from church made me a birthday playlist and the music was so fun to dance to. Also, the sound bar was amazing and it actually sounded like a dance club in my house. The disco lights also helped.
-I prepared a semi-sentimental speech in front of everyone. And then we cut the cake!
-I'm thankful that we didn't sing happy birthday. I don't know why I hate people singing this to me, but I do.
-The day after, Ambria came home and I got to assemble all the leftover party food and we got to have dinner together.
-Leftover birthday cake is everything. So is the sound bar (I've been dancing by myself in the house).
I'm so thankful that I got to host people and throw this party. Coming out of the pandemic, it was so refreshing to be together and also to have everyone in my house. I'm thankful for the people in my life and the ways in which the Lord continually opens my heart to others. I look forward to the surprises the Lord has up ahead for this year.
Friday, July 2, 2021
I surrender all All I'm living for You're my every good thing
You're my amnesty You're my split wide sea You're my every good thing
All my days and nights You're my death to life You're the wonder I breathe
You're my can't explain First and last refrain You're my every good thing
Once again, I lay down my pride, my time, my resources. Once again, I lay down my money and what I think I need. I lay down my entitlement, my need to be known and wanted. The need to be significant and the need to be heard. I lay down my relationships and what is out of my control. I lay myself down at the foot of the cross.
Help me, Holy Spirit, to be discerning of how to use my time and resources. Help me to discern who to reach out to and who to walk alongside. Help me to pray for my church and for Pastor Peter, regardless of this moment when both have parted ways. Help me to serve and love unconditionally. And as I near my 28th birthday, Lord, help me to enter this next season of life reflecting more and more of you.
My heart is feeling all the feels right now, and while I want to someday give you these words written down on paper, I don't want to pass up this opportunity to lean into this moment. It has been a journey of 27 years for me and more for you - the moments and seasons when we both wandered and felt lost (each in our own unique way) and felt disconnected from each other. There were moments throughout my childhood/teenager years when I felt your absence profoundly and mourned the figurative loss of a sister. Indeed, life has not been easy on you. For some reason unbeknownst to me, the Lord has always put me in the role of observer/intercessor in our relationship - I have many memories where I found myself in this role, where I cried out to the Lord again and again asking him to meet you and show you His love.
When I visited in 2019, you mentioned to me that something was happening in your heart and that you were coming to a crossroads in your life - you mentioned that you felt like something big was on the horizon but that you couldn't put your finger on it. I wondered at your words, but kept silent and simply continued to pray. And then early on in 2020, you called me in the middle of the night saying that the Lord had encountered you in a way where you knew there was no going back. I wept tears of happiness - to the point where my roommate knocked on my door and asked if I was all right. I remember thinking to myself, "The Lord has answered the deepest desire of my heart and I could die right now knowing that my work here on earth has been fulfilled." In all of this, I got to witness firsthand the power of prayer and intercession (even if it took more than a decade of prayer).
While I didn't know what was up ahead, the Lord did. He nudged your heart to apply to a graduate counseling program here in Salt Lake. You doubted yourself and I saw you wrestling with yourself and whether or not you could do it, let alone if you would even get accepted to the program.
And then, to your bewilderment and against all odds, the Lord opened the door and you got into the program. You yourself to this day give the Lord due credit and have told me time and time again of his faithfulness in taking you through each semester.
During this time, we talked every now and again and even prayed together over the phone. You mentioned how hard it was to follow Christ alone and without community. I continued to pray that the Lord would provide one; in the meantime, however, I tried to connect you with my church community in Chicago (thank you Zoom). Fast forward a few months to the present: I'm here visiting you and mom in Salt Lake City. Four of my housemates/friends from Chicago are flying in this morning and we are all going to Southern Utah to go on a camping trip together. How amazing is it, that the Lord would literally send a community to Utah so that you could witness firsthand the beauty of Christian community? Last night, I worshipped the Lord and cried and cried from thankfulness. I pray that you would continue to experience the Lord's radical and overwhelming love during our trip and into the future.
My heart has and always will be for your supreme knowledge of how great God's love is and how it can change us and transform us for his glory.
-Making homemade ricotta cheese and taking it over to Andrew and Donald's place for pizza night/movie night.
-Slow mornings
-My new roommate, Ambria - I really really like her and am actually super thankful that she moved in this past weekend. Looking forward to getting to know her.
-Spontaneous hangout with Matt & Jane - I swung by Foxtrot Market and grabbed some Levain cookies and took them over to the Chia's house. We sat around drinking coffee/tea and eating cookies and it was so lovely to just sit and hang out with them.
-Looking forward to flying to SLC this Saturday!!! Thankful for opportunities to get away and visit family.
-Going over to Em's house on Monday evening to hear Ashanti give his vision pitch; sitting on the rooftop porch with Emily after and enjoying the beautiful evening catching up with her. Laughing with Em and just being weird with her (mostly me being weird).
-Laughing at work and being silly.
-Caitlin will be moving to Mexico to provide birthing services to the Tarahumara tribe and Liz hosted a time and space for Caitlin to provide an info session. Convicted by Caitlin's obedience and boldness in leaving everything she knows here in the United States to serve the indigenous Tarahumara community in Mexico. Like woah. I'm excited to walk with her and support her financially and also through prayer.
-Liz's vegan enchiladas and her hospitality.
-I finally got to give Lisa her b-day present (two years late - oh well better late than never).
-Catching up with Susie and being able to connect with her in person yesterday. I didn't realize how much I missed her until I was actually in her presence! Truly, the pandemic was such a black hole and we realized as we were talking that it had been a full year since the last time we truly hung out with each other.
-Poetry as a way of expressing things I cannot otherwise express
-Smooth vaccination day; so so thankful for coworkers who I can call my work family
-On my way to the second vaccination site, I stopped by a place called Tai Chi Bubble tea and ordered honeydew milk tea - my drink came with something called yogurt boba and OMG. My eyes popped out of my head because the drink was so good. It was basically a Melona bar in drink form with boba that has yakult inside the boba. It was so melon-y and refreshing and the yogurt boba was so tangy and nice. Yum.
-I finally ordered a new pair of glasses off of Warby Parker! And thankfully, it didn't break my wallet. I've had my current pair for 6 years and I feel like one day, it's just going to snap at the hinges. Looking forward to a pair that has nose bridges and won't constantly slip down my face.
-My flight to SLC is less than 2 weeks away - I am looking forward to one-on-one time with my sister and mom and also friends from Chicago visiting. The last time I went on a trip was back in O C T O B E R. Holy crap.
This poem is the truest reflection of where I am at right now. It is messy; indeed, I am messy. It is a manifestation of my reflections on Colossians 1:17. I pray that the Lord meets me in this season where nothing else can possibly satisfy. This is my prayer for myself.
Earlier this afternoon, I had a real heart-to-heart moment with the Lord. Usually, there are red flags that make me realize that I'm due for a heart-to-heart with him: my heart grows hard, I struggle with fear + anxiety, I get inpatient + snappy, my love for others grows cold. Of course, these are all external manifestations of a restless heart. And so today, I simply sat on the couch and started confessing the real state of my heart to the Lord. And strewn throughout my conversation with Him, I kept repeating, "Lord, I need you." And then, things got even more real because I started talking to the Lord about how it seems like I'm always carrying this underlying pain that is connected to my broken relationship with my father. At this point, I started to weep. Some minutes passed - I kept crying. And then, I became quiet and as I sat there with my eyes closed, the Lord gave me a vision.
In my mind's eye, I was in a meadow - the trees, flowers, grass, everything in the vision was all so vividly colorful. The rays of the sun infused the scene with a warm golden glow. I was in the vision, twirling a little girl around and around. A man - my husband - was also in the picture. And I think I saw another kid (a little boy)?
The Lord was silent in regards to my dad; for some reason, he instead gave me this vision of my future family. Who am I to say what the Lord should or should not do? It's very well true that I may never have a relationship with my dad this side of heaven. And yet, I find it interesting that he gave me this picture of the future (held loosely, of course).
Lord, I trust the heart behind the hand. I trust that while I may not see your hand moving at times, your heart for me will always be a heart of deep love. You do not withhold from me the desires of my heart.
-Hanging out with Jane this past Sunday - she shared some great news with me (I'll elaborate more later)
-Tuning in to last night's 'Black and Asian Christians United Against Racism' panel with Em & Liz
-Liz barged into my room last night as I was trying to fall asleep and shook me excitedly and told me that Malissa and her had agreed to a price (Liz is buying 1818 Troy!!!)
Lord, help me to be present and alert to the ways in which you are moving this season. May I approach you humbly and with awe at your intentionality in all things. May I marvel at the way in which you move.
Every once in a while, I find myself in a moment that can only be described as a hit-pause, 'selah' moment. Sometimes, one feels the weight of certain moments more than others and what I'll be describing below is my attempt to capture one such moment. This season is one of huge transition for my community and I: Alison is moving to Denver, Colorado tomorrow to start her program at Denver Seminary, Grace is moving to Cincinnati soon to start her family medicine residency program, Rakiya moved out this past month into her new house, Emily is moving in with Steph this week and will be in the Humboldt Park neighborhood, Liz is moving forward in her dreams of buying the house we are currently living in here in North Lawndale. Even in the midst of so many transitions, our house has experienced the sweet blessing of hosting visiting friends (Jambi was with us for two weeks for her rotation at RUMC as a neurocritical physician and Cali drove in last night from Philadelphia and will be with us for the remainder of the week).
Last night, I was in bed getting ready to go to sleep when Jambi texted me saying goodnight/goodbye and that she was going back to Peoria after her shift the following morning. In that moment, I decided I wanted to be intentional in saying my goodbyes (I have a hard time with goodbyes) so I ran downstairs to give Jambi a hug. Meanwhile, Emily was at the kitchen table talking to Rob and Lisa on the phone and after I said goodnight to Jambi, I started talking to Rob and one thing led to another and it hit me that it was Jambi's last night with us and that Emily was really really moving out. Somehow, my joking around with Rob/Lisa/Em/Liz switched tone mid-laugh and I started to cry. Wow, talk about an unexpected emotional takeover. I quickly ran upstairs to my room and laid in bed crying.
Things could have ended on a mournful note, with me crying myself to sleep. And yet, a few minutes later, I heard footsteps and then Emily and Liz entered my room and piled on top of me in my bed. They wrapped their arms around me and we all just laid there. We paused, feeling the weight of the moment and the many emotions of gratitude towards the Lord for our community and opportunity to have lived with one another. We paused, collectively sitting in the pain and bittersweet moment of realizing that the future would not look like the present. And yet, we also articulated our hope in the Lord, and his steadfast faithfulness in our lives.
It's true that we don't know what the Lord has in store for each one of us. It's true that much of this season has been me celebrating the milestones in my friends' lives and that even in the midst of celebration, I have been acutely aware of the loss of friends who are in close proximity to me. This morning, I woke up to find a text from Jambi: "the unfailing love of God surrounds the righteous. If he dresses the lillies in beauty and splendor...how much more does he love you. Grace, you are never alone and never abandoned."
Lord, time and time again you have provided me with community. I pray that I would once again trust in this season and that you would glorify yourself in the space that is 1818 Troy.
-A church that does not shy away from engaging the sociopolitical realm through the lens of the Gospel
-Playing spike ball and seeing friends from church
-One of the biggest blessings this season is the sisterhood that I've found in Sharon, Janet, and Tina. Growing up, I never really had Korean American friends but wow, it's been such an unexpected gift to be able to walk alongside these woman and have shared experiences growing up in the United States as Asian/Korean Americans. Despite our commonalities, our group is pretty unique in that each woman is so quirky and her own, independent/fierce person. Truly, it's been a joy to do life with each of them individually and as a group. And especially during these times as racism/hate towards Asian Americans has increased here in the United States. Sisterhood is resistance, and I'm thankful to lean upon these women and process pain, brokenness, and hope with them.
-Going to Joong Boo Market with Janet and Sharon and eating Korean food. Laughing a lot. Watching Christine and Janet meet for the first time and seeing a friendship unfold/bloom before my eyes.
Do people get hit with waves of heaviness when they wake up? Is this normal? I find that my mornings usually start off this way, more and more frequently these past few months. I find myself subconsciously uttering prayers to the Lord, for his presence and help. Once I go downstairs, make some coffee, and settle into my time with the Lord, my emotions usually become more even-keeled. I'm able to move past the heaviness and ground myself on scripture. Even though this season isn't necessarily the most exciting, I am reminded to be steadfast in the small things and to anticipate good things from the Lord not only in the future but the present as well. Naturally, this is a good segue to today's thankful list. I'm thankful for:
-Claire, Nastassja, and Grace matching into residency programs
-Rakiya's new house
-Opportunities to vaccinate various underserved communities with Heartland Alliance
-Sacred spaces where I can lament and grieve with my church family
-Kingdom Lyricists and the opportunity to share some of my poems and get encouraging feedback
-My mom got vaccinated with her first dose of the Moderna vaccine this past week (!!)
-Prayer & the opportunity to commune with the Lord
-Praying with Janet, Sharon, and Tina last night (wow - I'm so thankful for these friends. I'm thankful that our friendship is not only grounded on mutual camaraderie, but also on our shared and lived-out experiences as Korean American women who love prayer and love Christ)
-Yellow tulips/fresh flowers in my room
-Sleeping with the window cracked open
-Waking up to birds chirping
-Going on a walk after work yesterday and getting to chat with Alison
-Laughing with coworkers (am I the only one that just found out about what 'hot girl summer' is?!); regardless, I can't keep up with this generation haha
-Providing vaccine education at a long-term facility yesterday. I have loved going into different facilities with Meg, Kierra, Amanda, and Jose. I love and appreciate my coworkers so much! Seriously couldn't imagine doing the work we do without them.
-Group chats with Janet and Julian. Very thankful for both of these friends and the ways in which they bring joy and laughter into my life.
-Getting to talk to my mentor, Teretha. So it's been a while since I caught up with her but WOW - whenever I talk to her, I experience the presence and love of God. As we were praying for each other, she encouraged me to be patient regarding certain prayer requests that have been on my heart. She encouraged me to "tie up the loose ends"in the meantime; believe me, there are definitely a few loose ends in my life that I can work on. I'm feeling super encouraged and just so thankful for Teretha and how she abides in the Lord and makes him her priority.
-20 oz. pineapple candles that I get at Target for $10 as opposed to the 6 oz. pineapple candle Julian gets for $15 (!!). Like what!?!?
I'm entering into this space with so much gratitude. Earlier this week, I went out to shovel my car out of the snow to go to work and as I was knee-deep trying to maneuver around my car without falling over, a car pulled up and a man yelled, "hey! you need some help?" I looked over and said that I was ok and that he didn't have to get out of his car. The man went on to hop out of his car with a huge shovel and helped me dig my car out. Before he went back to his car, I gratefully asked him what his name was and that I had never seen him on the block. He smiled and said, "oh, I live over on the next block. My name is Immanuel." He proceeded to hop in his car and drive away and I stood there shaking my head with a smile on my face.
The next morning, I picked up my coworker, Kierra, and as we were driving on lakeshore at 50 mph, my front hood popped open and slammed against my front windshield. Yup, you read that right. It was like a scene from 'Tommy Boy' except that this was real-life. I drove blindly for a good 10 seconds or so and was able to slow down, put on my blinkers, and pull over to the side on lakeshore drive. Hopping out of my car, I attempted to pull my hood back down but the torque from the wind had jammed my hood upright against the windshield. Kierra had to get out of the passenger side and after a bit of struggling we were able to slam it back down. I just want to highlight two important observations that lead me to speak of God's protection. During that moment when my hood slammed upright, no cars were on lakeshore except for mine. Mind you, this was Tuesday morning at the height of rush hour. I 100% believe that if there was a car in front of me or even to my side, we would have gotten into a major accident. Second, the windshield didn't shatter when the hood slammed into it. I can only imagine worst-case scenarios in which Kierra and I were not only driving blindly on lakeshore, but were exposed to flying shattered glass. Thank goodness that scenario didn't happen.
After this incident, I was definitely on high-alert when driving my car for the rest of the week. On Thursday, as I was driving home from work, my check engine light came on and I took it as a sign that there was something else going in with my car and that I should take it to my mechanic. Yesterday, I dropped it off early and was informed that my engine had overheated to 300 degrees when the check engine light came on. Joe Jr. and his crew had to put in two gallons of coolant (clearly I need to be better about checking coolant levels in my car) and replace the temperature gauge (which had snapped). After a slight dent in my wallet, I was able to take it home in the later afternoon.
Wowza. What a week. To loop back to the beginning of this post, I just want to emphasize how this is how I experience the Lord. He is a good Father to me, intentional in the way he gently encourages me and reminds me of his presence in my life. Truly, this week has been a reminder of the meaning of Immanuel, or God with us. God with me.
-Attending yesterday's live sermon recording on prayer and being able to pray with fellow believers
-My counseling sessions with Zach
-Em and I swung by Rob's place yesterday afternoon with a care package (it was pretty funny because we caught him as he was doing trigonometry homework. As a side note, he is in the middle of a career change and wants to be a special ed teacher for TFA). Em and I brought him brownies, moose munch, and a special cocktail prepared by Common Good cocktails. I found it appropriate that the cocktail was named 'Stoic Survivalist'. I'm so thankful for Lisa and Rob and for their love and presence.
-I was so thankful the other morning because my car wouldn't start and Rob jumpstarted my car. Also, a few weeks ago, I sat down with Rob and he gave me some financial advice that was super helpful.
God, I begin the 21-Day Daniel Fast with certain things on my chest. Lord, I feel so discouraged this season. I feel lost and disheartened. As I start this fast and continue to read through your Word, help me be anchored in the promises of who you are. Still my restless heart. Meet this yearning heart. Overwhelm and captive this cavernous heart. I pray that you would begin to bridge the gap between what I know in my head and heart to be true and what my actions actually convey.
Lord, I ask for your mercy upon my family. As I write this, I realize that it's my dad's birthday. I pray that you would meet him wherever he is and that you would shower him with your love. I pray that you would take my sister deeper into your love and that you would provide a rich Christian community for her. I pray that you would use my connections and that she would be able to meet people at my church - I pray that deep relationships would be formed and that she would have the opportunity to plug into the Women's LG. I pray that you would continue to pursue her and leave her wanting more. I pray that she would know how deeply loved and known she is by you.
Lord, I pray for my mother. I thank you for this amazing person who has never failed to model the love of Christ. Help me to love her well and be a daughter that honors her in word and deed. Lord, so often I fail to love her well and take her for granted. I pray that I would not take her for granted and that I would see her as the exceptional person she is.
Open the eyes of my heart, that I would be aware of your presence and movement in my life. May the restlessness that I feel again and again only prompt me to continue to run to you, Lord. I pray that I would not walk away from this space empty-handed, but with an overflowing heart and emboldened in my conviction of your utmost goodness and faithfulness.
-Korean worship music -Spending more time in the word (currently reading Leviticus and Psalms) -Reading Obama's A Promised Land -Going for runs -Working from home and working on a new policy for the hospital -My coworkers! I have loved working with my team and am always inspired and convicted by their passion and dedication to the work we are doing -Thankful for a healthy body, for friends and family, for loving and supportive roommates, for fun neighbors who are always down for a good pod party
