30 Years of Being

I find it quite interesting that prior to the start of Jesus' ministry, not much is known about his life. We know he enjoyed hanging out at the Temple as a young kid (Luke 2:41-52), we know that Jesus' later career was that of a carpenter, we can assume that he was in constant fellowship with God. I find it interesting that most of Jesus' life isn't actually revealed to us in scripture - there's something intriguing about this season of not being in the limelight. I can only imagine that these were the formational years that undergirded the eventual rise of his ministry years. Jesus knew how to simply be. And it wasn't simply existing as a breathing, living man; rather, he existed in full awareness of his identity as Son of God. 

I realize that this season is kicking off for me: I am committed to serving as an Associate Board Member of Caris for a full year, I am committed to co-captaining my church's World Vision marathon team, and I am committed to continue serving as a MG leader at church. As I note all the opportunities (ones that I am passionate about), I'm also aptly aware of my own limitations. It's been a hard couple of months, and I'm in my own version of the wilderness. I feel that God is stripping me of idols while at the same time taking me through a more nuanced season of healing. I realize more and more the need to prioritize being with Jesus instead of doing things for Jesus. The thing is, I need the Lord. I need his love and mercy, his grace and presence. His joy. His strength. His voice telling me that he is with me and for me. That my past, present, and future are in his hands. I need him in the heartache, in the moments when I feel the trauma of the past, in moments when I am aware of both my weakness and greatness -- a tension that I feel within myself.

Still, there is a deeper thrumming within me that overshadows my need for Christ. It is my desire for him. It is this unquenchable thirst for him that hasn't really subsided with the years, but continues to grow. And I know that it is drawing near to the Lord's presence again and again that will ultimately grow, refine, quite possibly transform me as I roam the wilderness. 

The Bloc

 A few weeks ago, my team and I vaccinated at the Bloc. As we walked around the facility, I was immediately intrigued by the organization - the Bloc opened their gym (otherwise known as "The Sanctuary") back in 2020 and is a safe space for kids to come after school for tutoring, mentorship, and boxing sessions. I ended up connecting with Amy, one of the assistants, and signed up to tutor every week. My first week at the Bloc consisted of connected with the kids; usually, the first hour consists of making sure everyone gets a snack and checking in with them. We spend an hour helping with homework and then the second hour is dedicated to actual boxing. This is where things get really fun and usually the boxing instructor pairs us up and we go through a variety of warm-ups and drills and use the time to just really connect with our partners. 

For the past two weeks, I've gotten to know Kathleen, a young junior high school girl that has been my boxing buddy. It's been awesome to have her coach me through some of the various boxing moves and to work with her. For me, I'm so thankful that this space exists - I kinda wish something like this had been available to me as a little girl because oftentimes I came home during my elementary/junior high school days to an empty and dark house. I really want to commit to coming to the Bloc weekly and just be present with the kids. I think that's what I wanted as a little girl - an older mentor figure that was just available and present. But wait, now that I think about it, I guess the Lord totally provided because he sent Pastor Hea Bin into my life during my high school years, and I recognize that much of my own personal growth and healing has been due to her love and influence in my life. Anyways, I'm so glad that I found out about this non-profit and I'm excited to get more involved. 

https://www.cnn.com/2019/06/27/us/cnnheroes-jamyle-cannon-the-bloc/index.html

The Year of Wholeness

Today, CC asked Kolton to pray for me at prayer group and when I was asked what my prayer request was, I said that I desired Lorie's word over me to come to fruition this year. That I wouldn't compartmentalize my past and different aspects of myself, but that I would bring everything before the Lord and that I would walk away from 2022 a whole person. As Kolton prayed for me, the Spirit started to move and it was clear that the Lord gave him a word for me. He encouraged me by saying that God created me as a whole person, and that as I rediscovered the person God created me to be, I was going to discover new aspects of myself. It's true, I'm in the middle of unearthing this whole person God has created me to be; I am not a broken person trying to piece myself back together. Rather, I'm on a journey with the Lord and am stepping into a new reality of living as a beautiful, whole and healed person. As Kolton prayed over me, I felt the Lord's presence and love so keenly - I'm so thankful for the community that surrounds me. I know that the Lord is doing something within me this season and I pray that I would fully embrace it and continue to come before him with an open heart and open palms. 

Thankful List

 -Super thankful for my work buds. I've gotten really close to Emilio/Meg/Kierra/Kiana and I can't imagine coming to work without seeing these guys.

-Maggie bought us all Starbucks today 

-Christina's bridal shower yesterday; I drove down with Sarah and after, she invited me up to her place and as we talked, I started to cry and she just started to speak truth over me. So so thankful for Sarah, and how our friendship has deepened this year.

-Ran outside in shorts and a t-shirt today and it felt goodddd

-Liz and I had a phone date today and we finally got to catch up. Dang. I miss having her in the house, and am looking forward to when she's back home. 

-Crisp apples 

Hey Jesus, Captivate Me

 Yesterday, I got to hang out with Janet/Julian/Justice/Michael and it felt good to be with friends. Afterwards, I ended up talking to Janet and Julian in the car and I felt so cared for by both of them. I think something that's been haunting me these past few weeks is the lie from the enemy that the people I hold near and dear to my heart will eventually leave me. That eventually, I will be left behind in the dust. Obviously, this is a deep-rooted lie from the enemy. But it's deep-rooted, and I think certain events of this season have triggered this fear of abandonment. But you know what? The Lord's meeting me in it and I sense his nearness and protection and his desire to bring deeper healing into the crevices of my heart. Indeed, last night while we were out at a brewery (shout-out to the horchata beer I enthusiastically imbibed), Brig texted me super randomly with the following text: "You are on my heart tonight. I know your longing heart and plead to the Father alongside you. Lord, hear our prayer." 

Holy crap. It's not like I'm super close to Brig - she's in our church's prayer group and we pray with the group every Saturday morning but she really doesn't know all that's been going on in my life or my heart. In that moment, I felt so known and seen by the Lord. And was reminded that my healing journey is not a solo journey, but one that involves the Body of Christ. 

Once again, I find myself captivated by the Lord. I find myself solely satisfied by his presence and I trust that he is on the move, working all things out for his utmost glory. 

Hey Jesus

 So I've been spending a lot of time with the Lord and last night he gave me this image where I was standing in a whirlpool - it appeared that I was caught up in emotions, caught up in various relationships and friend groups I have no control over, caught up in this specific season of life. And then the Lord appeared before me and reached out his arm, offering me his hand. He spoke, saying "Grace, take my hand."

It's true - I have no control over so many things. Heck, I struggle to control my emotions. And yet, as I find myself in various complex situations that are seemingly overwhelming I hear the Lord asking me to grab ahold of his hand and trust him. 

------

Also, this is random but I have enjoyed listening to A$AP Rocky's 'LONG.LIVE.A$AP' album - particularly this song.

Thankful List

 -I went over to Don and Amy's house last night and we sat around eating sushi and catching up. I'm so incredibly thankful for the Mpindis and their friendship. Low-key the best part of the evening was when I was talking to Amy and heard baby Moses emit this suspicious sound that sounded like he just projectile vomited on the person who was holding him (person being Don). Ha ha. 

-Michael Sugihara asked me to lead today's leadership cohort meeting and it was such an incredibly powerful time of vulnerable sharing and fellowship. I'm thankful for Josh/Marissa/James/Michael/John. 

-Conversations with my sis and with Sarah 

-Recently, I got asked to apply to be an Associate Board Member of Caris, a Christian non-profit that walks alongside women who are experiencing an unplanned pregnancy. Caris has a holistic approach towards caring for women and children and offers counseling and a variety of other resources. I ended up writing my cover letter yesterday and am planning on submitting my application by the end of this weekend. This opportunity kinda fell on my lap and yeah, I'm pretty curious and intrigued to see what the Lord is going to do. 

-Homemade iced coffee 

-Season of Lent and pressing deeper into the Lord 

The Trauma that Lives Within

 This week has been a rough one. I mentioned in the previous post that I had a convo with a friend and that I walked away from that space feeling empowered and strong; indeed, Sunday rolled around and church service was great. Afterwards, kinda randomly, I ended up getting coffee with Ashley. On our walk to the coffeeshop, we started making small talk and I asked her how her Saturday was. She nonchalantly mentioned that she got her haircut and that afterwards, she and the friend I talked to hung out at a dessert cafe. Wow. In that moment, I experienced such an immediate, physical response. My heart started racing and I was hit with a wave of anxiety. The moment caught me totally off guard - it sucked. Meanwhile, I tried to compose myself and continue the conversation with Ashley (not sure I was able to succeed at doing this). As soon as we got to the coffee shop, I beelined to the bathroom and reached out to close girlfriends asking for prayer, stating that I was in the middle of an intense spiritual attack. I breathed deep breaths, took a moment, and then went back out to try to be as present as possible with Ashley. I honestly felt guilty because I wasn't able to give her my undivided attention. Overall, just a really painful experience and I was in no mental space to make small talk. We ended our time together and I walked back to my car, sad and confused at how my body responded.

Well, it's been few days since Sunday and I've been able to process a bit. I think more than anything, the enemy tapped into a deep chord within me that extends into the past. The history I have with my dad is one riddled with trauma, with no present resolution and no foreseeable reprieve. That chord was struck, and it hurt. The immediate feelings of shame and unworthiness came on so strong - I am still reeling from the effects of that experience even today. Currently, I am experiencing the pain of the present coupled with the pain of the past and it seems that certain neuronal pathways that were healing have once again been fired up. Simply put, these past few months of confusion and ambiguity and now this recent experience have amplified in a way where I am left feeling overwhelmingly triggered.

God, you said that this year was the year of healing. I claim that. I don't know why you allowed this to happen, but I know that you are with me in my healing journey. I proclaim that this is the year of healing for me.