30 Years of Being

I find it quite interesting that prior to the start of Jesus' ministry, not much is known about his life. We know he enjoyed hanging out at the Temple as a young kid (Luke 2:41-52), we know that Jesus' later career was that of a carpenter, we can assume that he was in constant fellowship with God. I find it interesting that most of Jesus' life isn't actually revealed to us in scripture - there's something intriguing about this season of not being in the limelight. I can only imagine that these were the formational years that undergirded the eventual rise of his ministry years. Jesus knew how to simply be. And it wasn't simply existing as a breathing, living man; rather, he existed in full awareness of his identity as Son of God. 

I realize that this season is kicking off for me: I am committed to serving as an Associate Board Member of Caris for a full year, I am committed to co-captaining my church's World Vision marathon team, and I am committed to continue serving as a MG leader at church. As I note all the opportunities (ones that I am passionate about), I'm also aptly aware of my own limitations. It's been a hard couple of months, and I'm in my own version of the wilderness. I feel that God is stripping me of idols while at the same time taking me through a more nuanced season of healing. I realize more and more the need to prioritize being with Jesus instead of doing things for Jesus. The thing is, I need the Lord. I need his love and mercy, his grace and presence. His joy. His strength. His voice telling me that he is with me and for me. That my past, present, and future are in his hands. I need him in the heartache, in the moments when I feel the trauma of the past, in moments when I am aware of both my weakness and greatness -- a tension that I feel within myself.

Still, there is a deeper thrumming within me that overshadows my need for Christ. It is my desire for him. It is this unquenchable thirst for him that hasn't really subsided with the years, but continues to grow. And I know that it is drawing near to the Lord's presence again and again that will ultimately grow, refine, quite possibly transform me as I roam the wilderness.