This week has been a rough one. I mentioned in the previous post that I had a convo with a friend and that I walked away from that space feeling empowered and strong; indeed, Sunday rolled around and church service was great. Afterwards, kinda randomly, I ended up getting coffee with Ashley. On our walk to the coffeeshop, we started making small talk and I asked her how her Saturday was. She nonchalantly mentioned that she got her haircut and that afterwards, she and the friend I talked to hung out at a dessert cafe. Wow. In that moment, I experienced such an immediate, physical response. My heart started racing and I was hit with a wave of anxiety. The moment caught me totally off guard - it sucked. Meanwhile, I tried to compose myself and continue the conversation with Ashley (not sure I was able to succeed at doing this). As soon as we got to the coffee shop, I beelined to the bathroom and reached out to close girlfriends asking for prayer, stating that I was in the middle of an intense spiritual attack. I breathed deep breaths, took a moment, and then went back out to try to be as present as possible with Ashley. I honestly felt guilty because I wasn't able to give her my undivided attention. Overall, just a really painful experience and I was in no mental space to make small talk. We ended our time together and I walked back to my car, sad and confused at how my body responded.
Well, it's been few days since Sunday and I've been able to process a bit. I think more than anything, the enemy tapped into a deep chord within me that extends into the past. The history I have with my dad is one riddled with trauma, with no present resolution and no foreseeable reprieve. That chord was struck, and it hurt. The immediate feelings of shame and unworthiness came on so strong - I am still reeling from the effects of that experience even today. Currently, I am experiencing the pain of the present coupled with the pain of the past and it seems that certain neuronal pathways that were healing have once again been fired up. Simply put, these past few months of confusion and ambiguity and now this recent experience have amplified in a way where I am left feeling overwhelmingly triggered.
God, you said that this year was the year of healing. I claim that. I don't know why you allowed this to happen, but I know that you are with me in my healing journey. I proclaim that this is the year of healing for me.
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