A Table in the Wilderness

What a whirlwind life has been these past few weeks, especially these past 10 days or so. I flew out to Salt Lake City late Thursday night, bought my car with the help of a childhood friend, and drove it back to Chicago with my mom. We divided the trip into three 8-hour parts: on Saturday we drove to Denver and stayed with Alison. The next day, my mom and I started the drive the Omaha, Nebraska and stayed the night there and then finally completed the journey from Omaha to Chicago today. To be honest, life has been a blur but I feel like I've had moments throughout where I've been able to sit and process a bit, namely during the insanely boring drive through most of Nebraska. I read my daily scripture readings out loud to my mom this morning during our drive and one passage struck me. Psalm 78 is a lengthy psalm and I'm glad I was reading it out loud because it prevented me from simply glossing over it. The psalm highlights the faithfulness of God despite the fickleness of humankind and verse 19 states "Can God provide a table in the wilderness?" The imagery of a table conjures up a feast, provision, and celebration and stands in stark juxtaposition against an environment that has negative connotations of loneliness, neediness, desolation, and hardship. The thing is, we've all found ourselves in the wilderness. Such is the way of life, and no one is exempt from experiencing the wilderness or dark night of the soul. 

This verse struck me because I was reminded that God has time and time again provided a table during wilderness seasons. He did it in the past, and he did it again this season of confusion and disorientation. For me, the table represents communion with the Lord and I found myself being reassured of his humble  presence. Indeed, I was provided an opportunity to feast at the table in the wilderness, and in doing so, got to experience the goodness of the Lord that has left me marveling and in awe. 

There will be more seasons where I will find myself traversing the arid desert, to do so alone is unfathomable to me and quite honestly, the thought of doing so makes me fearful. I don't want to journey solo during hard seasons, and I want to live life in a way that welcomes the Lord into the great expanse that makes up my existence here on earth. The presence of someone far greater, far supreme than life's joys and woes... this is what I desire.

You Give and give and give

This week has been one of surprises and just when I thought that I had hit the maximum number of surprises that I can process, the Lord kept piling more on me. And, well, I guess it's left me feeling a bit stunned. To provide a bit of context, last week when I was out with COVID, I received an unexpected text from Shayna inquiring about my housing situation. In the text, she briefly mentioned that she was thinking about getting a roommate, and that I had been on her mind. I finally ended up going over to her place a few days ago on Tuesday - prior to driving over I hopped on a phone call with my spiritual mentor, Teretha. I expressed the heaviness of uncertainty that I was still carrying regarding my housing situation and in that phone call, Teretha just redirected me to trust the Lord and worship him whenever I found doubts creeping in. And we did just that - Teretha and I worshipped the Lord during that call and asked the Lord to replace my fear with certainty of his character and his provision. Shortly after finishing the call with Teretha, I jumped into the car and made my way over to Shayna's house in East Garfield Park and can I just say, the Lord blew my socks off.

During my conversation with Shayna, she filled me in on why she had reached out to me regarding potentially living together - she had been praying for a while now for a roommate but was unsure of who to ask. She knew that she desired someone who was from the Westside or wasn't weirded out by moving to the Westside. When she saw my text to the prayer group requesting prayer over my housing situation, she took some time to pray about it and talk to some other people at church about it (Ruth & CC) and proceeded to reach out to me. I sat there stunned, and realized that my laundry list of wants/needs/desires was being met by the Lord. Not only had I prayed to the Lord that he would provide housing on the Westside, but a place close to Rush Hospital, close to Lawndale Christian Fitness Center, and not too far away from church. Additionally, I had prayed that he would provide an awesome roommate, and an already furnished living space. Oh, and nearby parks for me to run in. Not only did the Lord answer all of these things, but Shayna's place is on a street that has free parking and a track at the end of the cul-de-sac, including proximity to two huge parks (East Garfield Park and Humboldt Park)! I sat there, and kept hearing the Lord saying "Grace, not only can I answer every single item on your laundry list but I'm working in ways that you can't even see". I felt so known and seen by the Lord, and am just super thankful for the opportunity to live with a phenomenal woman who loves the Lord. I just felt so much peace and assurance that this is the next season for me - to be honest, saying goodbye to the house I'm currently in / North Lawndale will be hard but I sense that it's time for me to move on. 

So that happened Tuesday night and then on Wednesday morning, I got a text that the car I have been waiting for finally arrived at the SLC Toyota dealership. I'll be flying out next Thursday and my mom and I will drive it back to Chicago (with pitstops to see Alison in Denver along the way). And then just today, I got a phone call from the neurological sciences department at Rush requesting an interview with me (I started to apply for RUMC ambulatory RN positions while I was on medical furlough recovering from Covid). Like talk about everything happening all at once ha ha. Regarding the interview, I think it's making me hit pause and really assess if I want to step back and switch up my role for a season. Like I know that my heart lies in the community but I just desire to take a break and expand my clinical skills. More on this later. 

Anyways, I'm just so grateful to the Lord and for the community that he has placed me in here in Chicago. I'm thankful for the Lord's provision and for friends that are willing to come alongside me and journey with me. I'm thankful that I can continue to live on the Westside and I'm curious to see how the Lord will continue to expand my heart for this community.

Also, the Lord also showed up this afternoon. I went to the fitness center to work out and realized at the end that I had locked myself out of my car. Indeed, my keys were sitting on the seat in my car. I ended up running into one of the EOC guys (Derek) and he proceeded to take out his walkie talkie and page Cliff, another EOC guy. Derek was like "Hey, Cliff, there's a slim Jim here in need of our help." He turned to me, told me to wait a moment, and then proceeded to come back with Cliff with a red bag. I was like what the heck is that and basically they brought all the items needed to jimmy my car open lol. The entire time Cliff and Derek were so nice and helpful and making jokes about how they used to steal cars before Christ met them LOL. Overall, a great time. I told them I would bring them ice cream (butterscotch, in fact) tomorrow after work. Dang. It's moments like this that make me so thankful to live here in North Lawndale. 

Also, one final note. On a whim, I made a Coffee Meets Bagel account a few days ago and responded to a guy's like - we ended up matching and so far, the conversation has been good. Actually, he asked me out this weekend so I guess I'm going on a date !? More on this later.

In Sickness / In Health

 Just when life couldn't get any more exciting, I woke up last Monday short of breath. My symptoms lasted the entire day and the following as well; still, my PCR test and rapid tests kept coming back negative and I went back to work on Thursday and Friday. Things took a turn, however, when I woke up Saturday morning with a notification from the hospital saying that the second PCR test that I took the previous day came out positive. I stayed home the entire weekend, read a few books, watched many, many episodes of Ted Lasso. Tuned into church via the YouTube livestream, baked some cookies and saw other friends who happened to also have COVID. Thankfully, my positive PCR qualified me for medical furlough so I've spent this past M/T/W at home putzing around being bored and contemplative. I spent some time poring over 'The Atlas of the Heart' by Brene Brown and realized that perhaps this time of living with COVID has been an unlikely godsend; indeed, it has been a time to just be and recover from the previous weeks of feeling extremely overwhelmed by life's curveballs. Additionally, I somehow got connected with a therapist (it's interesting that sometimes things can move so organically and so fast and feel so easy), and actually was able to see her this afternoon. We instantaneously clicked, and I'm excited to restart a season of therapy and continue to work on myself. 

In all of this, I realize that life can easily take away, and just as easily give. And that in all of it - in all of the ebbs and flows -  God alone is the consistent, constant rock. God alone is worthy of the weeping and he alone is worthy of the moments of exultation. So, God, if you're out there watching me type these words... know that I'm out here, worshipping in the desert. 

Reminders for Myself

 So this year has been pretty rough - one thing after another has caused me to loosen my grip on things that I naturally find security in. But the year is not over, and I want to list out some reminders for myself:

1. Approach the future with curiosity. Grace, even though you've experienced a lot of curveballs (relationships with various people, car situation, work/home situation, etc.), the changes have the potential to change your life for the better. Be hopeful. Trust in the God who has always, without question, provided for you.

2. Go back to being your own cheerleader. Make space for encouragement and combat the lies that you wrestle with with the truth of what God says about you. You are worthy. You are loved. 

3. Continue pursuing and loving others instead of retreating into yourself. There is freedom in the vulnerability and beauty in opening yourself up to others. You don't need to hide. 

4. Be open to going through different seasons with different people. Friendships will change and it's ok to adapt to the season as necessary. You can observe changes in friendship without judgment and simply let the relationship be. You alone have the power to let go of the expectations that you hold over yourself and over others. 

The year is not over - I approach the next half of 2022 with open palms. 

The gap between knowing that God will provide and trusting him in this moment is pretty wide. Truthfully, I am anxious and feel overwhelmed and for the most part, feel like I'm walking around with a grey cloud hovering above me. Dang. I'm in a season where I feel like the many things I put my confidence in are being stripped away, whether it be relationships, job, or housing situation. In all of these things, I feel small and not in control. It's uncomfortable, to say the least.

I confess my inability to fully trust the Lord, despite his track record of faithfulness and abundant love and provision. I confess my fear and doubts. I confess my selfishness, and tendency to be egocentric and prioritize my needs and wants above others. 

So, I pray over myself and ask the Lord to meet me in my anxiety and neediness. And I ask for his graciousness to be evident in my life. And I ask that that he would surprise me, and that he would remind me that I am his beloved daughter and that it is his delight to meet me in my needs/wants.