I choose to courageously show up to Sunday service, to small group on Wednesdays, to therapy. I choose to show up early in the mornings when I sit down to spend time with the Lord. I choose to show up for myself when I go on runs and carve out time to workout . I choose to show up for friends who are also  trying to recover from a break-up and during sleepless nights when I basically cry myself to sleep. I guess what I want to say it this: I choose to show up because I know that the Lord is already there, ready to meet me and ready to shoulder my heartache. 

1/23/23 Thankful List

 -Celebrating Alison's 30th birthday in Estes Park, CO
-Beautiful, crisp winter weather 
-Running with Leah & doing hill workouts 
-Good food, Sam getting 12 tubs of Talenti gelato (!!!), brownies and cake 
-Cooking with the girls 
-Pillow talk with Nikki and getting to know her better 
-Getting to catch up with the 1818 Troy roomies 
-Full body massage and aromatherapy 
-Sunday service with amazing women who love the Lord & looking at Psalm 16 together 
-Being able to hang with Em at the airport 

 "Teach me to seek you, for I cannot seek you unless you teach me, or find you unless you show yourself to me. Let me seek you in my desire, and desire you in my seeking. Let me find you by loving you, let me love you when I find you."

-St. Anselm 

_____

Help me to seek you in the heartbreak, in the moments when I get caught up in my memories, in the moments when I have to surrender again and again.

1/12/23 Thankful List

 -21 day fast from social media and YouTube/TV 

-Getting together with Kara/Sharon/Janet this past Monday and encouraging each other to pray bold prayers 

-I went to Chicago Tabernacle for prayer night this past Tuesday and wow, have I missed that space. For almost four years (2016-2020), I went by myself every Tuesday and truly, much of my love and attitude towards prayer has been shaped by prayer night at Chi Tab. I've mentioned this before, but there is a 60-something Latino man who I enjoy seeing - primarily because his worship towards the Lord is inspiring for it's sincerity and fervency. When I walked into the sanctuary, he was right where he always sits, worshipping the Lord and praising him just as he always has. I started to tear up, and prayed for this man - that his heart would always be overflowing with love towards the Lord.

-Baking an extravagant cake for Kara's birthday dinner party tomorrow 

-I volunteered at the Bloc this evening and got to see the kiddos (Alejandro, Kathleen, Kimberly, Aniya) and Jamyle, Ericka, Sabrina. I arrived a bit late because I got caught up with a work call but I was able to box with Kimberly. Alejandro even came up to me and was like "Hey Ms. Hong! What's up?!" Literally made my heart beam - I'm definitely going to spend more time volunteering here this season. 

-And last but not least, the intake coordinator at Thamani Counseling Center got back to me and said that each therapy session would only be a $10 copay per session. She gave me three different options for potential therapists and my first session will be later this month. I'm looking forward to a space to process the past and present and to move forward in my journey towards healing and self-growth. 

It's not even the end of the first week of the fast and already God is answering my prayers in such intimate and wonderful ways.

You Seek Me Out

 This weekend was hard, with my emotions hijacking me during unassuming moments. I have found myself thinking that I'll get through the day without crying, only to eat my words later on. That's the thing about grieving, it hits you at unexpected moments. Sharon invited me to go out with her and her sister and go dancing this past Saturday - my plan was to go but I found myself inundated by tears an hour prior to when I was supposed to meet her. I wasn't going anywhere at that point, and instead found the Lord extending an invitation to me: "Grace, grieve. Grace, come sit here with me and pour out your heart before me." So I did just that. I turned on a candle, turned off all the lights, unrolled my yoga mat and sat there crying before the Lord. 

-

I went to church this morning, and saw that Pastor David Swanson from our sister church, New Community Covenant Church in Bronzeville, was preaching. At the end of the service, various prayer ministers stood at the front of the sanctuary and there was an altar call. Usually, the congregation response is a slow one and it takes a while for a small number to slowly walk up the aisle towards the front. Today wasn't so much the case, and honestly, it was cool to see an immediate response. There were lines of people down the center of the aisle and even on the far-right side and far-left side. I stood where I was, desirous for prayer but not wanting to awkwardly stand in line waiting my turn to receive prayer. Indeed,I stood where I was, thinking to myself how much I yearned for someone to pray for me. A few moments later, I felt a tap on my shoulder and turned around and saw that Geri and Dave had walked to where I was standing. They held me as I started to weep, and they prayed for me. They held me in the frantic, messy, weepiness of it all. In the intimacy of it all. Afterwards, Janet held me as I continued to cry and I felt so incredibly ministered to by the body of Christ. 

The thing is, in times past I have been quick to respond to an altar call. I know that when I walk up to the front and stoop down low before the cross, my physical response is a symbolic one of complete and utter surrender. Today, the Lord sought me out and reminded me that he is with me, pursuing me and reminding me of his presence. 

Sacred Grief

 -for the heartbroken-

The depths of this kind of grief 
brings me to a place that is unreachable 
down into the dark night of the soul and 
into the depths of somewhere unfathomable 
I sink, inconsolable 

This is the kind of grief that fills empty spaces 
with jarring cadences of lament & loss - 
there is no other sound aside from this rising cry 
I weep, inconsolable 

And I find, in this constrictive space of death and gloom
You, oh gentle and lowly 
ready to sink with me; desirous to be with me 
in this sacred space that is grief unnamed