Goodbye 2024

 I make space
for 2025, the year of Jubilee 
keenly i sense, shifting airs 
wind in breath -- i inhale, exhale 
movement forward,
movement forward.

Plainly I see, 
new horizons beckoning, 
new courage arising - i inhale, exhale
movement forward,
movement forward.

Foot on ground,
I traverse new land,
no control - this heart of hope
movement forward, 
movement forward,
the year of Jubilee.

To Ride the Wave

 This month has been a blur, with plenty of ups and downs. From finding out my sister is pregnant with a baby boy (I'm going to be an aunt!),  being on a brief hiatus from therapy sessions (due to an unexpected leave of absence Elizabeth had to take - I just got wind that she's able to see clients again and I'm looking forward to squeezing in one more session to wrap up 2024), hosting my mom for 9 days at the beginning of the month, to accidentally setting the naan bread on fire in the oven while cooking dinner for my roommates and having to use the fire extinguisher, to starting the Paris marathon training, I feel like it's been a constant go go go towards the final days of 2024. 

But in the midst of the fray, I've been able to pause. During cold weather runs, random Saturday evenings when I have the space to myself to cook and clean to my heart's desire while dancing to good music, to going to Chicago Tabernacle by myself and bawling my eyes out while worshipping and praying. These moments feel sacred, and I find myself leaning in, peering into what God is revealing to me in the moment. The biggest inclination of this season has been to worship God and I am thankful to be ushered into the presence of God at Chi Tab, alongside old and young, men and women, husbands and wives, individuals who are single, those who are hungry and seeking, the list goes on. 

The other day, one of Dr. Fleisher's patients surprised her in her office and gifted her a million dollars to use towards her work and research and when she told our team the good news, we all sat there with our mouths gaping wide open. I even got to hold the card and read the special message from the donor that was addressed to Dr. Fleisher. A million freaking dollars - can you imagine? Last night, I was worshipping God and as I was standing there, he whispered in my ears, 'but I have something better for you than a million dollars. Here is my love, my presence, my grace towards you moment by moment." I cried even harder. I am deeply, deeply passionate about worshipping God for who he is and what he has done for me and what he continues to do. And I know that in seasons that feel barren and empty, he delights when we worship him in those seasons even more. 

This season, I am learning to ride the wave, leaning into the ups and downs, embracing the opportunity to experience life in communion with the Most High. 

To Exist

 It's been a really sweet season of allowing the dust to settle, and experiencing the Lord in deeper ways. I am learning to simply exist, and be open and curious to how the Lord wants to meet me in this season. 

Something I've been doing these days are morning and evening meditations through the Lectio 365 app. What a delightful app; no joke, the meditations are so soothing and I even found myself crying while listening to this past Monday evening's meditation. It was a raw and tender moment with the Lord, and I'm thankful that I'm incorporating more moments of stillness and pause before him. 

I've been living in my current space for around 4.5 months now and it has been an absolute dream. I've been able to host prayer group for brunch, friends from church, small group, Greg/Lais and Alicia - the list goes on and on and it's feels  refreshing to be able to open up my place and extend hospitality to my community. This year was the first year I hosted Friendsgiving and everything was special and sweet, from my homemade chocolate-chile pecan pie and challah stuffing, to Julian's sweet potato casserole and John's spatchcock chicken.. A part of me came alive, and I'm curious as how God will continue to use this space. It's wild to think about how in my previous living situation, I only had friends over a total of 3-4 times in the two years I was living with Shayna. Truly a different season. 

Hmm, as I continue to reflect upon this season I'm struck by how living with Jenny and Hannah has stretched me and made me more in awe and in love with the Lord. I've been tagging along and joining Jenny and her team whenever they go out to do outreach to the sex workers here in West Humboldt Park and whenever I go with them, I'm deeply struck by the love and passion with which they're committed to the women who are on the fringes of society. Like it hits deep. This past Tuesday, I hit the streets with them and even got to go out and interact with some of the women and in that moment, it's like Jesus took over my sight and I was able to see the person in front of me with his eyes. And the thing is, I was caught up in a wave of compassion and was humbled by the entire interaction. The whole evening is a bit non-kosher - the team piles into Jenny's car, we meet at the local New Life Church to pack baggies that have toiletries and granola bars, go over resources that we want to share with the women, pray and then pile back into Jenny's car and essentially go find the women working the streets. When we spot someone we know, two of the team members jump out with a baggie, give it to the woman, and catch up with them and offer mental health and various other community resources. The rest of us remain in the car, acting as the "eyes" and praying over the interaction that's going on outside the car. And then we drive to the next stop and so forth and so on. Things usually wrap up around 11 pm and we head back to the church and take down notes and pray over each of the women we interacted with that evening. This ministry is as grassroots as you can get and a bit wild. But I sense the Lord's heartbeat and kindness and pursuit in all of it and so I'm committed to going at least once a month this season. 

It has been beautiful to exist, and to welcome and embrace the hard days and the good days and in the midst of all of it, I get the sense that the Lord is changing me and growing me and deepening my relationship with him.

Affirmation Homework

The other week my therapist asked me to create a list of things i like about myself (in response to me telling her i was struggling with alot of negative self-talk and criticism) and it was a good to write down a few of the things i like about myself: 

-self-awareness: i am quick to realize when i am at fault; quick to ask for forgiveness + have a desire to growth and change for the better 

-i am able to set boundaries and i know my limits 

-the ability to worship God in all seasons 

-kingdom-sighted; i desire to see the bigger picture and to obey the Lord even when i don't understand 

-high level of emotional intelligent

-a heart of intercession and a passion for prayer (and a desire to usher others into deeper/intimate spaces where they can encounter God)

-openness and ability to surrender + be lead by the lord 

-i am disciplined (especially when it comes to running, reading the Word with Sarah) and can meet the goals i set for myself 

-highly self-motivated in the things that i am interested in 

-i like my silly, weird side; i like to laugh (even though this side of me ebb and flows depending on season)

-ability to have serious, deep conversations

-i try to give people the benefit of the doubt; approach them with little judgement 

-i am someone who beats to my own drum, and am ok with that 

-i like that i am clean, and enjoy cleaning + having a clean space 

-i am able to practice gratitude on a daily basis 

-thoughtful of others and desire to stretch myself more by being more considerate of others 

-poetry as an expression of worship + an expansion of self-expression

Just to name a few. I'm realizing more and more that I can hold the negative and positive things about myself equally without letting the former overshadow the latter. Aren't the many attributes that make up a person what contributes to their uniqueness? And i am learning uniqueness is intimately tied to how deeply the Lord loves me for me. The good, the bad, the ugly - all of it is covered by his grace. I pray that this is the season where i can go deeper and where my perception of myself is marked by how God sees me. 

Elizabeth shared with me a quote by St. Catherine of Siena that goes something like this: "Be who God meant you to be and you will set the world on fire." Perhaps all of life's journey is distilled down to coming back home to who God is, who we are, and how he has uniquely created me and you. Perhaps it is shedding what society expects me to be, who the enemy says i am and pressing keenly into journeying with the Lord and soaking up all that is revealed in the process. I pray that God would grow me, anoint me, use me to wake up those who slumber and set their hearts on fire for him. 

 i cried in therapy last night; i cried in the shower tonight. 

i was worshipping at church this past Sunday and time slowed down and i found myself internally dialoguing with God. if i give you everything that feels empty and void, will you fill it? can i trust in you to fill it with something good? 

and in that moment i wasn't met with silence but a i can and i will. 

Beauty in the Impermanence

 Nothing is permanent - this year, in fact, showed me how quickly things can change. The spring/summer were seasons of upheaval if you will and as I stare out the window noticing the dappled sunlight reflecting off of multicolored leaves, I am reminded that fall is a clear marker of the beauty of impermanent things. 

Dynamics shifted between my old roommate that resulted in me moving out and into a new neighborhood with new roommates, my relationship with Stephen ended, plans changed, and a rich season of small group ended. The desire for permanence is wishful thinking.

This past Sunday, a group of friends and I went out to cheer for Kara and some other friends at the Chicago Marathon. I found myself caught up in the adrenaline of the occasion and the nostalgia of the day; indeed, exactly one year ago, I jumped in at mile 14 and ran 10 miles with Stephen, who happened to be running the marathon for the first time. I found him in the sea of runners this year as well, yelled out his name, cheered for him twice, and was swept up in the emotions of how things can change and look so different this time around. To this day, I will never understand why things could never work out - moreso internally within me in regards to this relationship. But I give myself credit to leaning into the doubt within and embracing the hard reality that to deny my truth would be destructive for both Stephen and I and us as a collective entity. I ask God "why" every now and again and trust that it's ok that I question and wrestle with the Lord. I trust that he has better plans for both Stephen and I and that only in hindsight will I understand to a greater extent this past season and why it came to an end. Truly, this past season is one that I will always cherish, always hold close to my heart, and repeatedly thank the Lord for the time I had with someone super special. 

And in all of it, in all of the changing figurative and literal seasons, I embrace the impermanence, breath deeply that which is fleeting, and take notice of God's hand throughout it all. 

Heart Conditions

 Someone that was visiting Dave and Geri this past weekend approached me at church after service today and asked to pray for me. As someone who loves to give and also receive prayer, I replied yes. She proceeded to tell me that the Holy Spirit led her to pray over me and tears started to well up as she prayed. She prayed that my public life would parallel my private life and that the ways I serve others would be propelled not by self-glory or desire for affirmation but would be solely catalyzed by a desire to glorify the Lord.  She prayed that love for the Lord and for others would overflow and bless the people around me.

The prayer that was spoken over me hit a sensitive chord because I myself solely know the state of my heart: hard, selfish, prideful, desirous to speak 'Lord your will be done' but not act. My external facade of "good person" does not mirror the condition of my heart, and I am well aware of the contrast and discrepancy. 

The point of this post isn't to berate myself; it is simply to acknowledge that I am need of a fresh wave of God's mercy and grace and a fresh prayer that begins with "Lord, help me. A sinner." As I turn 31 this week, I want to come before the Lord with humility and palms wide open, and a desire to continue to be changed from the inside out. 

No Ordinary Life

 Approximately 5 weeks ago, my current roommate and I had a fallout that left me feeling confused, uncertain, and hurt/frustrated by the overall situation that had been coming to a head over the course of more than 6 months. I was once again thrust into uncertainty about the future; indeed, all I knew was that I had to articulate my boundaries and move out from an unhealthy/emotionally harmful living situation. 

The questions of where I was going to live and with who I was going to live with swirled around like intractable smoke in my head. I had nightmares where I was fighting with my current roommate and I woke up many times with heaviness in my heart. What now? How are you going to show up God? These were the questions that balanced and acted as counterweight against the more anxiety-inducing ones. Sure enough, he did show up. And continues to do so.

On May 4, I woke up to a dream that was more than an average dream - I was able to recall specific details and the nature of conversation I was having with the person in my dream, Sarah Y. To provide some context, Sarah is an actual person who goes to my church - I knew for a fact that she wasn't looking for a roommate and was looking for a place for herself. In my dream, Sarah and I were in an apartment that we had begun the process of already moving into. We went from room to room, and she even showed me how she had already moved into her bedroom and I exclaimed how much closet space there was in each of the rooms. We proceeded to go downstairs to the kitchen and I made a comment about the refrigerator, saying "Oh, hey! That's the refrigerator that Jerry Zhu has!" She responded by saying she had to get the same model because of the unique water dispenser/filter. I woke up and immediately texted my friends the details of the dream, namely the funny moment where Jerry's fridge made it to my subconscious dreamscape. 

The next day, some church friends and I went to the Logan Square monument for an after service picnic and one of the girls I had previously talked to about potentially living with asked me how my current house situation was. I told Abby that I was on more of a time crunch to find a new place and new roommates and she exclaimed that she knew someone who was looking to move out of her current place (I was told that she lived with 3 other guys and wanted to be in a new place with other women) and who wanted to stay on the Westside; namely, Humboldt Park. My curiosity was piqued, and I asked who it was. Abby proceeded to tell me it was Sarah Y's old roommate, Jenny Hudson, and gave me her contact information. When I got back to my car, I sat there for a minute wondering what in the world the Lord was up to and then sent a text to Jenny explaining who I was and how I had obtained her number.

Jenny and I ended up meeting that following Saturday for coffee and the moment that I had met her, there was such a synergetic energy and sense of peace that left us talking for around 2 hours. We talked about why we were looking for new roommates/new housing and talked about our passions and desire to live on the Westside, and desires and expectations for the future community/housing. I was immediately struck by her empathetic and compassion and desire to live incarnationally and in close community with the people on her block and in West Humboldt Park. She struck me as a beautiful person, with a beautiful heart. We decided to give it a few days and then touch base with one another about potentially living with one another.

Fast forward to the next week - I sent Jenny a text on May 15th saying I was more or less at peace about living with her and that if she was still open to the idea of living together, that I was committed. She verbalized the same and we both ended the phone call praying over the next season. In a separate phone call, Jenny asked what I thought about potentially having a 3rd roommate (someone she had previously been in conversation with about living together) and I ended up FaceTiming both her and Hannah this past Sunday.  This phone call left me feeling a bit disappointed and uncertain to be quite frank - it hit me that both Jenny and Hannah are significantly younger than I am (class of '20 and '21) and that I would be experiencing a season outside my comfort zone as the older woman in the apartment (perhaps this age hierarchy is more relevant in Korean culture); still, there's something to be said about carrying yourself in a way reflective of your age and I'm curious if this is the Lord's way of pushing me outside my comfort zone and nudging me towards further personal growth. I happened to mention the age gap to my small group and was met with boisterous rebuffs: "Grace, you do realize half the people in this group are Jenny and Hannah's age, right? and "So when are you going to change my diaper??" and so forth and so on. I was quickly put in my place, and conceded that age (to a certain degree) is but a number. 

During therapy today, Elizabeth kindly reminded me that only a few months ago, I articulated that I was feeling stagnant and restless and asked God the question, "is this it?" He must have caught wind of my comment because things definitely took a turn in the past month or so. Once again, I am seeing him provide in ways outside my imagination and I dedicate this next season to him as I wrap up my time living with Shayna and as I pray and fast for the new apartment and living with both Jenny and Hannah. And once again, I'm reminded that this is no ordinary life, this life that is ultimately anointed with God's presence and kindness. 

---

Today is June 4th, exactly one month since I had that dream and boy, do I have a testimony. The last time I wrote in this post, I outlined the ways in which Jenny came into my life and how ultimately, God provided two future roommates. Well, he was just getting started and I marvel at how all aspects (Jerry's fridge aside) of the dream have come to come to fruition. Let me explain: shortly after writing the first half of this post, I found myself in a whirlwind of a week touring various apartments. Jenny, Hannah, and I had a list of non-negotiable items for the future apartments we were looking at, those items included location (ideally West Humboldt Park, great lighting inside, in-unit laundry, central AC and perhaps even a porch, and of course price point ). On May 23rd, I had two apartment tours lined up and as soon as I drove up to the 2nd showing, I had this inexplicable peace as I parked the car and walked up to the front gate/door. Carrie, the realtor, ushered me to the second floor and proceeded to show me the 2nd floor apartment. It was cute, quirky, had great lighting, and I was excited in a way that felt new. I asked Carrie what the status was and she admitted that there was an application for the unit pending - I quickly expressed disappointment that I hadn't gotten there sooner and she replied that the first floor was also on the market and had been recently rehabbed. Once again, my curiosity was piqued and I asked Carrie if I could see the bottom first floor unit. She replied that she had to give the tenant a 48 hour notice but would ask and get back to me. I proceeded to excitedly text the girls about the second floor unit and we decided to put in the pre-application despite the pending application. That evening, Carrie texted me asking me if I was free the next morning - the tenant was ok with having us come over to see the first floor unit. Thus, I was able to work remote and see the first floor unit during my lunch break the next morning. 

The minute I stepped into the unit, my jaw dropped. The wall separating the kitchen from the dining/living room space had been taken down and an island inserted in the middle - it opened up the space and was incredibly beautiful. Not only was there more kitchen space and storage, but the unit also had french doors opening up into a private patio space. The floor was new and there were built in shelves and a fireplace in the living room, not to mention the in-unit laundry and central AC that I had vocalized wanting. The overall price for the first floor unit was a bit more, but nothing that would break our wallets. In fact, it was more than affordable for all 3 of us. If the excitement I was feeling was up in the high 90s, the response I got from the other two girls was everything but. I more or less was met with crickets for most of the day and when I finally got a response, it was one centered around gentrification and the observation of appearing a certain way to neighbors. Ah, the cat was out of the bag. Gentrification. The girls were ok with living on the 2nd floor but were wary of inhabiting the nicer first floor unit due to concerns of appearing well-off and thus, feeding into the cycle of gentrification and displacement. I sat there, fully aware of the complexity of the situation but also somewhat baffled at the response; living on the 2nd floor in a more quaint, cramped space wouldn't cease to get at the root of gentrification. At the end of the day, we would still be paying rent to the landlord, a guy that had rehabbed the basement and first floor and was most likely going to eventually rehab the second floor. I quickly pointed this out, and also named that our intentions for living in the neighborhood and in the apartment were multi-faceted and far from parasitic - Jenny exclaimed herself that the location was ideal for its proximity to her current neighbors and the various non-profit community organizations she's involved in. I expressed my own desire to grow and develop symbiotic relationships with the individuals in the neighborhood; at the same time, I also validated and affirmed Jenny's desire to eliminate any factors that would create a potential power dynamic. Being a white woman is something she has no control over; her environment, however, is something she does have control over and so I see why having nice things could work disadvantageously as symbols of power and why she desired to reduce those potential factors. At the same time, I also pointed out that this apartment was an answer to prayer and such a huge huge gift from the Lord - it's like God was like "Uh huh, you got a list of things you're looking for in the new place? Let's start checking off the list." And he totally did. 

At the end of the day, I'm so incredibly thankful to have these hard conversations with my future roommates and to sit in the tension. Gentrification is a real thing and I'm aware that this is an ongoing discussion that we will have as we live in West Humboldt Park in the nicer first floor unit. I hold gentrification in one hand and receiving what is a gift from the Lord in the other. What will it look like to live in this space for this upcoming season? What does it look like to say yes to God and thank you and rejoice in his faithfulness and provision? What does it look like to be good stewards, and to ultimately use what is given to us to bless others? I sense that this upcoming season will be one of transformation and I am eager to step into it with curiosity and openness. I'm excited to host prayer group and small group and have friends over spontaneously. I'm excited for this new space to be one that feels like a refuge and where community can be fostered. And at the end of the day, I am reminded that all good things come from the Lord, and that it is his desire to astound us and leave us marveling at how he meets us in unexpected ways. 

Here We Are Again

It's been a while since I've last posted and well, I guess my only excuse is that life happened and swept me up and along. To be quite frank, writing on this public blog became less of a priority and then some time passed and I realized that I was just rolling through life with it's never-ending to-do list. So I started journaling again a few weeks ago and I'm here now in a more public realm, back in this space that feels both familiar and sacred. I'm here, slightly past the cusp of old and new, curious about 2024 and anticipating great things from God. 

The year thus far has been a good reset for my spirit. Stephen and I agreed to fast Monday night dinners for the next three months and to focus on praying for a job opportunity to come his way, for spiritual growth for both of us, and to be intentional about reading the Word and praying for our families. Due to the holidays, I happened to not have my usual AIMS clinic and therapy session this past Tuesday and this provided us the opportunity to go to Chicago Tabernacle for the first prayer meeting of the year that evening. Chicago Tabernacle is and always will  inhabit a special place in my heart; indeed, it wasn't too long ago that I ventured out on my own to the prayer meeting on a weekly basis for many many years. All that to say, it was nice to be back among individuals who desire to encounter God. 

As I stood there worshipping and praying, the Holy Spirit started to move and I found myself passionately praying and crying for my sister. I prayed that this would be the year where her desires to love God and herself more would be realized and be all the more tangible and catalyze transformation. These are very real desires that my mom informed me that my sister had told her just days prior. This, along with her showing up to NYE church service this past Sunday indicates that God is on the move. 

So, as her sister, what do I do? I pray. I intercede like I've always done. I offer up a financial gift/offering to kick off 2024 - all with the expectation that God has already answered prayers uttered in times past and that he is doing something mysterious in this present moment. Yes - there is something glorious when we are on the cusp of prayers that are on the verge of blooming; indeed, now is the time to worship and adore God for his faithfulness and everlasting goodness.

2024 - it's a new year with the Lord. And that reality feels beautiful.