Hannah

Something beautiful happened yesterday, and i feel compelled to write about it. I would be remiss to say that this season hasn't been the easiest one but like all seasons, not without God and his presence. An incident happened the other day where my roommate and I were in the kitchen, she going about making a smoothie using my Vitamix while I looking at something on my computer. I was conscious in that moment of her using my blender and would look up every now and again. As she washed the Vitamix pitcher, she proceeded to place it on the rack that looked precarious; indeed, she happened to place it on the edge of the rack and I had a feeling it was going to fall to the ground. And sure enough, the pitcher fell and my instinct was to get up and go over to pick it up. She and i were both startled by the moment, and as i proceeded to pick up the pitcher, she exclaimed "grace, i got it" to which i brusquely responded, "it's okay - i got it." I proceeded to wipe it down and put it away. 

The image i've painted above doesn't do justice to the tension of the moment. it was thick; it was palpable; it was a cloud that saturated the moment and drove a wedge between her and I. she immediately retreated to her room and i stood there, hesitant, confused and frustrated. Frustrated because the pitcher had fallen and she should have known better but confused because well.. why did i respond in the way that i did? Why was i so reactive? Who had I turned to in that moment? 

i left the house to go pick up 17 baguettes from table, donkey and stick and on my way there I voice memo'ed a girlfriend attempting to process what had happened. I felt awful and felt shame about how i had responded. obviously, my response was disproportionate to the incident. I ruminated into the following day and continued to get this sense that my desire for control and how it shows up in my life is a form of bondage that I want to walk away from and be free of. 

Hannah and I exchanged some texts where she was honest with how hurt she had felt in that moment; later that evening, i came home from work and prayed with a friend over the pending follow up convo with Hannah. There are some moments when God's presence is so thick and when there's breakthrough - the conversation I had with Hannah was an unexpected moment of grace and mercy that landed on my lap like a surprise gift. 

I somberly began the conversation by apologizing to Hannah about how I had acted and how disproportionate my response had been during that moment when the pitcher dropped to the ground. It wasn't my intention to scare or hurt her but my gut reaction was to take what was mine, to protect it and assert some form of control over a situation that had unexpectedly risen. She felt overwhelmed by the moment, and I felt ashamed at prioritizing material objects over my roommate and for hurting her. As I shared all this with her, she earnestly informed me that she knew that who i became in that moment wasn't truly me and that she empathized with how deep the root of my tendency to maintain control must be. She empathized with my pain, and sought to contextualize it and then proceeded to tell me that she forgave me and understood that i was on a journey and that she knew i had a deep desire to be better. And that even if there were more moments where i missed the mark, she would continue to care for and love me. 

I cried in that moment - a moment so rich with God's grace that I could only stand and receive. A moment where I truly felt seen and loved, despite the streaks of ugliness within me. When I look back at my past, and scan the continuum of me as a baby, toddler, child, teenager who attempted to grasp unto and comprehend the reality of missing father figure, absent sister, various moments of trauma interspersed throughout a sensitive period of development, i understand why i act the way i do. Why at times it's easier to be independent and not rely on others, why i have such a fixed schedule and have difficulty being spontaneous, why i place high value on the things i own and feel that I'm entitled to. Why it's easier to find comfort in the things I have rather than letting others in and trusting them to show up for me. And yet, the story doesn't end with just those phrases because I see the person God is shaping me into - someone who continues to show up authentically in community, both humbly and vulnerably. Someone who desires to be transformed by God and who wants not just a bandaid, but deep internal healing that goes beyond surface level. Someone who is worthy, and incredibly loved. 

In all of this, I'm reminded how much God desires to use community to catalyze our healing. Just as much as that sacred moment was one that was an agent of healing for me, Hannah also articulated that she was thankful that she could vulnerably share with me how she felt and that i was able to receive it well. I'm humbled by it all, and once again reminded that it is a blessing to live with roommates who exude Christ and the fruits of the Spirit.