hope in the Lord

Dear grace, others might not see it or be aware of it, but i know and understand the depth of the hopelessness and despair that ballooned larger and larger inside you over the course of these past five months. nothing tragic happened, but you carried an ache in your heart. i was with you. i'm with you now.

God, you didn't take these experiences and feelings away but instead allowed these things to happen. perhaps you allowed me to go through this season in order to stretch me so that i would have a greater capacity for joy. i hope that at the end of all of this, i can admit that i was surprised by joy and that i have a greater compassion for other people. i would like your joy..! thank you for being so good to me. You are always good to me (even if i tend to forget sometimes)! 

something to remember: everyone feels like everyone else, just not at the same time.

i sat in the cold car relieving my eyes of tears and releasing one sob after another. thank you for convicting me Holy Spirit. i wrote a little about this yesterday, but only today did i realize with my heart that i'm guilty of turning God's grace into cheap grace. father, after everything i've experienced, after having experienced first-hand your work on the cross, i've failed to produce abundant fruit. my love for others has shriveled because i've slipped into this orphan mentality that always seems to crouch at the door. i feel abandoned by others, therefore i don't have any love to muster up and give to the people around me. this is so wrong. when did my relationship with others become defined by transactions of give-and-take? God, i fail horribly at reflecting your love and grace to others. i can only come before you in this state of brokenness and ask that you would continue to work in me. help me to be a better witness of your love. father, forgive me, a sinner.

for me, salt lake city is cultivating ground. whenever i come home, i see all the ways i haven't changed. every year i come home, it's eye-opening and i realize just how easily i succumb to my old self. i need God to continue to change me, and i understand that that takes time. one thing that struck me as i was talking to my mom yesterday was my selfish expectations of the people around me. i want to receive more than i give, and the Lord has been convicting me of my tendency to hoard the abundant grace that he has poured out on me. I want this year to be a year where i can brush aside my own expectations and be the one to first pour out into others - because the Lord has blessed me so much with his grace. God, i'm sorry that i'm a poor steward of relationships especially. you've blessed me with people who have supported and challenged me and i've failed to do the same. i'm a recipient of your profound grace, but have failed to be a carrier of that same grace. change my heart so that i can reflect you in my words and actions towards others.

january second.

Today, I stopped by Weller Book Works, a local bookstore stocked with both rare and used books. With the help of the owner and his wife, I was able to leave with my arms filled with well-perused novels such as Shogun, Madame Bovary, The Foreign Student, The Ladies of Grace Adieu, & The Name of the Rose - a smattering of both classic and contemporary. Can't say my cravings for a good read have been satiated just yet but hopefully I'll get my fill before i go back to school. Currently reading This Side of Paradise and I definitely appreciate it more than The Great Gatsby. Oh, also, my friend recommended A Vocation and a Voice by Kate Chopin and The Napoleon of Notting Hill by G.K. Chesterton. Making a mental note .. right now to get to those novels hopefully sooner rather than later. I decided to stop reading Anna Karenina, and Abby helped me get over what little feelings of guilt i had for not finishing it by suggesting that there are certain times and places for reading certain books. I guess right now, Anna Karenina will have to wait. I'll come back to it. I don't think I'll make a dent in all that I wish to read right now, but these books can easily segue into summer break - of which plans are looking quite nebulous right now. Anyways, I found additional fuel as to why I want to study abroad in Europe. Fabulous libraries. Some of which include:

 The University of Coimbra General Library, Coimbra, Portugal

 Beinecke Rare Book and Manuscript Library, Yale University, New Haven, CT

The Trinity College Library, aka “The Long Room,” Dublin, Ireland

Ok, so the second one is in Yale University. I still drool. Hmm. What else to say. Oh! I made dinner for my mom for the first time today. Making another mental note to eat this dish frequently. I tossed it together from things we had lying around - wish I had taken a picture of it but not really because food is meant to be eaten and not looked at (I still don't understand why people post pictures of what they eat on Facebook. no one cares). Ingredients include: olive oil, hazelnuts, asparagus, soba noodles, green salad, and avocados. I first lightly sautéed the asparagus and hazelnuts together in olive oil. The noodles were then prepared and drained and placed on top of the salad. I added the asparagus and hazelnuts and cut up an avocado to add. Mixed it all with a spoonful of sesame oil and soy sauce. It was so easy and my mom and i really enjoyed it. 

On another note, I've been getting into my Living Life devotional. I'm reading Genesis right now, and i'm thankful for yesterday and today's QT. I forget how good sitting down and doing QT is. Water for my soul. Much needed. In today's quiet time, this quotation really struck my heart: 

"The whole difference between construction & creation is exactly this: that a thing constructed can only be loved after it is constructed; but a thing created is loved before it exists" -Charles Dickens 

I trust that:
1. You will continue to take me deeper into your presence.
2. You are still at work and are pruning me and transforming me into a better witness of your grace and truth.
3. You are turning my selfishness into a burning desire to display your will and love.
4. You will continue to humble my family and bring us at your feet.
5. My sister will turn her face to you and and know in her heart YHWH.
6. My identity will be engraved in your palm; that I would know more and more in my heart that you have me in your hand and that I was and never will be abandoned by you.
7. My joy will be rooted in your character.
8. You will provide for me renewed friendships and a community where I can give rather than receive.
9. You healed me when you died on the cross for my sins.

2013.

Guard my days in this life, and lead me into eternity.

i find myself acquiescing to this great numbing lie that things are always going to be this way. God, hold unto me more and more tightly. I need more of your grace, I need more of your mercy, I need more of your perspective and joy. i lift up these waves and waves of hopelessness that keep pounding me & taking me under. Help me to stop focusing on myself and focus on you instead. Father, i've been settling for silly futile idols and i am unsatisfied. I am left unsatisfied. help me to make space in my heart for you to teach me and heal me. Father, forgive me, a sinner.