I sat in the bathroom stall at work tired to the bone. These past few weeks I have experienced highs and lows and have woken up days on end exhausted, every fiber of my being weary. Do you ever experience hardship and want to experience God's love in it? His love. It is the silver lining in the storm and I prayed a simple prayer in the bathroom stall at work that I would experience it this season. And in that moment, God gave me a picture and I was in the desert, trudging along. I was walking towards this brilliant oasis and God said in that moment, "Grace, it's not a mirage. You're walking towards deeper waters - refreshing waters - and it's not a mirage."

I feel stretched thin - like a rubber band that is about to snap. There is no bandwidth in my capabilities to love my coworkers, to move through this season, to trust in God. This is where my notion of what I can do melts into what God can do. Because I absolutely cannot do this on my own. Abba, father, do not abandon me. Show me your grace, show me your strength, show me your love. The ball is in your court now - I surrender everything to you.

When Trouble Comes Your Way

These past few weeks have been hard. I have broken down at work, I have tried to cope with waves of melancholy, and have tried to love people. I have failed.

Let me rewind and provide some more context:

A couple of weeks ago, I experienced firsthand corruption at the workplace. For some reason, God allowed me to see things and hear things and I have carried the weight of broken systems and individual decisions and actions. I went through days wrestling with why God allowed this particular situation to fall into my lap and what my role was in all of this, what the consequences of human actions would be on both a macro level and a micro, personal level. I ended up confronting the individuals involved and experienced firsthand the disappointment of being lied to. Still, I wanted to provide a space where my coworkers could own up to their actions. Still, I want to see my friend in the light of how God has created her, and not in the light of her faults and broken actions and decisions. 

How is it possible that God is a God of justice and a God of love? Applied to my life, I am unable to bridge the gap with my own cross. I am more prone to condemn when the law is broken. And it's not just condemnation of the individuals involved, but condemnation of myself (because I too am unjust and imperfect). The realization of this caused me to start crying during a meeting I had at work, and I abruptly excused myself to go to the bathroom.. 

I have had numerous conversations with my housemates regarding this particular incident and I don't think I will ever forget looking at Hannah and telling her with tears streaming down my face the difficulty of loving like Jesus. Somehow, I need to have simple confidence in the Lord's intentionality in all of this. There's a reason why he placed me at Homan. There's a reason why he has grown my relationship with this particular coworker. There's a reason why he is allowing me to go through all of this. 

I woke up early one morning and started crying for my coworker. Our relationship may never be the same; after all, trust is crucial in any relationship. The comfort of the relationship is one that has been disturbed, and I sense that there is no going back. I wasn't crying for all of these things, however. I was crying because in that moment, I saw her in the light of God's love - a beautiful person with so much life and generosity. A person redeemed and bought with the blood of Christ.  I don't know of any good ending to this blog post - there is no clean-cut resolution that has materialized and I cannot guarantee that the hardship surrounding this incident can be cleanly wiped away. A part of me wants to - needs to - surrender it to God. A part of me wants to embrace the hardship because I know that God is allowing me to see my weaknesses and perhaps is drawing me closer to the cross. 

Your Kingdom Come

If the west side of Chicago was to be transformed into neighborhoods that gleamed with material abundance and was ride of violence, chronic disease, poverty, and addictions but still did not know God and His love displayed in the life of Jesus, all would be for naught. As I near my 6 month mark of living in North Lawndale, I realize that peace does not mean the absence of problems A and B, but the presence of God and knowing His love. I realize that my role at the health center is that of a peacemaker; yes, I need the strength of Jesus to face the violence of poverty, substance abuse, chronic diseases, etc. etc. that many of my patients come to me with. Just as healing involves more than just physical wellbeing, peace is also a multifaceted reality that can only be possible through knowing God and his love. Internal peace, external peace, peace within oneself, peace within the community, peace between you and God, between you and your neighbor, is only possible through God and the peace that He extends to us. Essentially, peace is an extension of God's grace. I am broken, and am utterly rejected and lost without the cross. I pray that I would be a better steward of Shalom and that I am able to extend the peace of God in my daily interactions with others.

Patient interactions that I do not want to forget:

"Can I help you with anything else?"

She looked at me, and asked for a hug. 

As I leaned over, and wrapped my arms around her, my heart broke.

I cradled the phone against my shoulder.

"I'll be calling you next month just to follow-up and see how you're doing. Is that okay?"

Weeping on the other end of the line - my patient started to cry and told me that no one had bothered to care for her in a long time.

I sat in the room with a patient, and I found out that he lived on the same street as me.

"Hey, we're practically neighbors!"

He asked me if I was the girl who rode the red bike.

"What! Crazy! I am that girl. I bike to work everyday!"

I was flagged because one of my patients had attempted suicide and he had recently been discharged from the Emergency Room. I was to call him to help schedule him to see his doctor. 

I dialed his number.

1st attempt: No answer.

2nd attempt: No answer.

3rd attempt: No answer.

Psalm 12 Poem

The Words of the Lord are pure words,
like silver refined in a furnace on the ground,
purified seven times.

I am not a nice person,
or even a rude one.
If your perceptions of me were lined up alongside the countless
thousands and
thousands of
snap judgements and
hot, cold, maybe lukewarm humans interactions
I would quite possibly fade into ambiguity.

Burn Your words into my heart,
that what I seek and what I desire
would be clearer knowledge of who You are.
You say I am known, and that I am Yours.
You say that I am loved, and finally I begin to
understand the weight of
Your words.

Dust to Dust

I come undone, not by gazing at

technological marvels or

fast-paced innovations  

but the contact of 

skin against dust.

My religion is not 

human endeavors or 

lionized individuals 

but the slow-step dance 

between Creator and creation. 

These lungs expand and expand and expand,

and the arc of life comes to a eloquent headway

with the ground and it's true that 

I come undone when you 

find me in the dust.

Loving presently

How often are our acts of love contingent upon past experiences and future expectations? I am no foreigner to adjusting my output of love; indeed, there are many factors that come into play: Do i get along with this person? Do i even like this person or find his/her presence enjoyable? What has this person done for me in the past and how can i benefit from this person in the present? What will i receive in the future from my present act of love? And so on...

I run on the fuel of adoration from fellow peers, friends, coworkers, mentors. But lately, I find myself wanting to be more Christlike and have been attempting to strip away the conditions that I have attached to love. I find myself in uncomfortable spaces and have been challenging myself to love without strings attached, without thought of the past or the future, and it feels like i'm free falling. It makes me feel vulnerable; indeed, wasn't Jesus vulnerable when he allowed himself to be crucified on the cross? Ah, that ultimate act of sacrificial love. He did not think of the future, and whether we would reciprocate His love. Indeed, there are many times when we turn our back on our Lord and Savior. He chose to love us in the present, ultimately making Himself vulnerable and subject to rejection.

Perhaps loving presently requires the scale to be tipped towards one end - we choose to let the scale fall towards the other. Love does not always have to be carefully calculated such that the scale is in equilibrium. Loving like Christ means that as we receive the endless, limitless love of God, we are in a position to love others to the extent that we are capable of.

Loving presently - it is a beautiful Christocentric action that I hope to grow in in my own pilgrimage and walk with God.

Wholeheartedly

To my brothers and sisters whose

Spirit thirsts to see a throne of lapis lazuli 

and the figure of one radiating amber and brilliant fire.

The prophets of old are not:

irrelevant remnants of 

past civilizations and

figments of dust-coated prophecies.

The voice of the Almighty, those roaring undulations 

quicken hearts not already numbed by sensual pleasures.

He is one that sees, and the multitude of eyes on the rims of wheels 

passes over believers and nonbelievers alike.

               (I hold myself accountable for slips and failures.

                I hold myself accountable for when I have fallen under the comforts of this culture).

             

My hunger and thirst goes beyond the physical, and I

cannot stop myself from tumbling into greater encounters.

I prophesy that this will be a generation that repeatedly chooses you every single day.

I prophesy that convictions would occur, that repentance would lead towards greater devotion to you.

I prophesy that the church would not stumble and blur the lines of devotion to itself and devotion to you. 

I prophesy that men and women would give themselves to you wholeheartedly and not settle for anything less. 

I had scheduled to meet with one of my patients this morning and she didn't show up. I called her, and she replied that she had meant to call me earlier that morning. Her grandson had been shot last friday and she was on her way to his funeral. I sat in my office, not believing what i was hearing on the other end of the line.

After work, I went to a workout class. It's routine for everyone to pray together afterwards. As we gathered around in a circle, one lady spoke up and requested prayer. She told our group that her niece's father was killed that morning. As I prayed out loud, my words fell short and I found my voice breaking and tears falling from my eyes.

We mourn over deaths that should not have occurred.
I mourn over the frequency of deaths that occur and the injustice of life that is robbed.
When will we begin to realize that every person is created in the image of God? That every single individual has been created to be loved and to encounter a living God and His unfathomable love?

I mourn.

An Ode to the Lost

The streets are not the same
without the laughter emanating from
your eyes.

A burst of energy
dissipated into vapor-like forms.
Echoes resound, as we try to grasp
unto the inconceivable - life that is no more.

Who will breath the breaths that you have inhaled and exhaled?
Who will cry your salty tears?
Who will love, and tumble through joys and losses
like you, my friend?

You have been mercilessly traded for
the silence that is the aftermath of a regrettable act,
and these gunshots have become embedded into my flesh
as I mourn.


http://homicides.suntimes.com/2015/08/18/16-year-old-caprice-mccollum-dies-after-shooting-in-lawndale-that-also-killed-jerome-phelps/

* I personally did not know these boys, but am told that one of them lived on the same street where I am currently living. The shooting happened this past Sunday a couple of streets away.

February 1, 1990.

Today, I met a remarkable man.

We sat in the room, and he began opening up and started sharing his story with me. When he was younger, he shot another man and ended up killing him. My patient spent 39 years in a cell; at the time, he was a practicing Muslim. As he continued telling me his story, my eyes locked unto his and he shared with me these words:

"Grace, one of the volunteers at the prison urged me to read the Holy Bible. I said to her, 'You've come all the way out here in the cold; sure, I'll read your literature.' One day, I was reading through Matthew and I encountered Jesus in my prison cell. All other sounds died down and I heard Jesus speak to me. That encounter was unlike anything I've ever experienced and since then, things have never been the same. The day was February 1, 1990."

Even though 39 years were spent in what was literally a cage, this man gained everything. He gained Jesus and a profound and intimate relationship with His Savior.

Life that is fleeting and life that is full. 39 years is nothing compared to what this man now has.
Indeed, he is blessed. Indeed, I am honored and humbled to have crossed paths with him and to have heard his testimony. It is the power of the Gospel to save lives. It is the power of the blood of Christ to save and to liberate.

Thankful List & Quick Update.

-Homan community
-Anna Castaneda
-Summer nights dancing at Grant Park with beautiful friends

I was in the Loop, at a Whole Foods and as I made my way through the rows of bougie cheeses and past the olive cart, I realized I wanted to get out of that store. Why is it that the people who shop at Whole Foods carry themselves differently? There is an air of entitlement that I find disconcerting. Perhaps it is because I myself have also have been born into privilege and can even walk into a store like Whole Foods and grab whatever I want.As I rode my bike back home, my heart grew more and more heavy - it's hard to wrap my mind around the different lives people live and the stark contrast between the residents of Chicago. Earlier that day, I was meeting with a patient trying to look up different substance abuse treatment centers in the city and with another patient who was 18 years old and had nowhere to sleep for the night. And then, that same evening I was walking through Whole Foods feeling slightly uncomfortable and out of place. And yet, I cannot shake the thought that my patients and the customers at Whole Foods are not all that different - everyone is in need of something that cuts through to the heart of things. Everyone is in need of divine love; indeed, that Love is not interchangeable. My heart hurts for my patients and for the Whole Foods customers who have found comfort in anything less than God's love.

Friday Poem

Knowledge of myself

bleeds into time and space

and these time-lapses spark with
preordained caresses and the
sinusoidal overtures of
rotating axles.

It is with resounding periods and

definite, infinite reassurances 

that I commune with you

and begin to learn a little more 

about boundlessness 

as i hurtle across time and 

space.

Swallowed by a Staff

-Notes taken from Pastor Rich's sermon // Exodus 7:1-24 -

And the Lord said to Moses, "See, I have made you like God to Pharaoh, and your brother Aaron shall be your prophet. You shall speak all that I command you, and your brother Aaron shall tell Pharaoh to let the people of Israel go out of his land. But I will harden Pharaoh's heart, and though I multiply my signs and wonders in the land of Egypt, Pharaoh will not listen to you . . . 

God says Moses and Aaron will fail in their mission, that Pharaoh's heart will be hard. In the midst of failure, God is still in the process - Moses and Aaron's obedience will pay off.

We are Pharaoh's in our own ways - both Christians and non-Christians; we sit on a throne of achievements and accolades and find failure unnatural and unnerving.

Holy Spirit, open my eyes.

I am my own God (I am like Pharaoh). And to use the words of Henri Nouwen, "to whom do I belong? To the world or to God?" There are endless 'ifs' attached to the love that the world has to offer - the world's love is conditional. We strive to control so many factors to gain the love of the world.

Holy Spirit, forgive me.

The fact that God tells Moses and Aaron right off the bat that they will initially fail in their mission to sway Pharaoh is a nod to God's sovereignty and his grace; indeed, failure is the antidote that knocks me off my ledge or pride and self-worship.

Yet, failure is not the end result; in the meantime, however, it keeps us humble.

Then the Lord said to Moses and Aaron, "When Pharaoh says to you, 'Prove yourselves by working a miracle,' then you shall say to Aaron, 'Take your staff and cast it down before Pharaoh, that it may become a serpent.'" So Moses and Aaron went to Pharaoh and did just as the Lord commanded. Aaron cast down his staff before Pharaoh and his servants, and it became a serpent. Then Pharaoh summoned the wise men and the sorceress, and they, the magicians of Egypt, also did the same by their secret arts. For each man cast down his staff, and they became serpents. But Aaron's staff swallowed up their staffs.

Moses and Aaron throw down their staff (representative of worldly authority) and that staff turns into a serpent - the hebrew word that is used here is tannin, which is also used in Genesis in the creation account. The God of the cosmos reminds Pharaoh that He is God, not Pharaoh.

The sorcerers also throw down their staffs, which in turn also transform into serpents. In this way, Pharaoh mimics God and makes a point of demonstrating that he is in control. The worldly powers at work during biblical times are still at work today - we are all at fault for wanting to be our own God and be in control.

Can you imagine the heart-dropping moment when Moses and Aaron's staff changes into a serpent and the staffs belonging to the sorcerers also change into serpents? And yet, scripture points out that Moses and Aaron's staff swallows the staffs belonging to the sorcerers. The staff belonging to Moses and Aaron symbolizes God's power and dominion and is a tangible reminder of God's grace.

I wish I took better notes during Pastor Rich's sermon today - it was incredibly convicting and powerful. I walked up to him to introduce myself for the first time and started crying in front of him and told him that I am a failure in my relationships with people and that I cannot be God in and over my relationships. Don't I make the best first impressions?

It's true. I feel confused, I feel unsure, I feel sad that I am bounded by my capacity to receive and give love. I am a failure. And for the first time, I do not feel ashamed because failure allows me to throw down my staff and relinquish control.

The Shades Between You and I

My perception has become steadily amorphous over time,
folding in and out of itself, ballooning
stubbornly through cracks
and allowing glimpses into reality.
If only evil and good could be easily
sketched out, shaken up, and redrawn -
my entire being exists not along lines or boundaries
but rather the washed up sighs and sorrows of somewhere in-between
black and white spaces.

It is in my fickleness that I cannot decide where to mark
my boundaries - it is in your mercy (חֶ֫סֶד)
that you can read
between
the lines.

I am guilty of knowledge
that has gone to waste, and my palms are
etched with psalms and the cries
of brothers and sisters who still strive to define
the lines of good
and evil.

Thankful List

-Sleeping in until 10:30
-Spending the morning with Jesus
-Catching up with Abby over the phone
-Catching up with my sister over the phone
-The prayer room at the health center
-Tiffany, one of the Princeton interns who not only has cool interests like surfing but also stayed at the Shelter Jordan in Amsterdam the same year I was working there (!!!)
-Chloe, another intern from Wheaton who I've gotten to know - her sweetness and thoughtfulness is lovely. She also doesn't hesitate at laughing at my awkward moments aka moments when I'm in a moment and think no one is watching...
-Next month's QT, which is on Ephesians and Proverbs (I mean, I love 2 Kings but ya know..., you can never get enough of Proverbs).
-Chump money that I get from child-sitting at the providers' meetings.
-After much deliberation, I have chosen to be the Complex Care Coordinator at the Homan site - I start on Monday and will finally be getting my own caseload of patients.
-Spending the day with Lena, Erica, and Chloe. Delicious summer evenings walking around Wicker Park and getting dessert at Black Dog Gelato.
-Laughing about doughnut hoarders...
-Community
-Corn bread

Melancholia

As much as this season is characterized by joy and thankfulness, I cannot deny that there is another side, one that has lingered and carried on from past seasons. And it's true that internally, I can't push aside the melancholia that surfaces from time to time - old fears paralyze me and I feel like I am trapped in a self-constructed cage. I remember when I was freed of my past and my chains. Love greater than anything I have experienced cast out fears and I felt free.

A few days ago, I sat before the Lord burnt out and told Him that if He wanted to use me for His ministry, He would have to show me how to walk through this season, this season of me facing myself.  My faith is small. My confidence in the Lord to do great things regarding healing has dwindled - I have let my confidence in the Lord die down. Here's a thought: perhaps lack of confidence is linked to disobedience. In my mind, it makes sense because there are patterns of disobedience that I have fallen into in the last six months or so. Disobedience inevitably suggests lack of trust. 

In a season as beautiful as this, I know that I must yield and allow the Lord to shape me and smooth out all the kinks that I feel are ingrained in my personality. I feel like a small child - scared and unsure, but I am tired of remaining in this place.

**EDIT -

Happiness is overrated, joy is not.
Good times should not be solely associated with happiness and sadness with that of "bad times."
IT IS OKAY TO ACKNOWLEDGE THE BEAUTY OF A SEASON AND YET STRUGGLE WITH GRIEF OR SADNESS.
And yet, joy is constant - because the Lord is here.

Dusk&Delight

i am an intruder, looking out upon a magical scene.
dusk softens hard edges and i see (i see)
shimmering, glimmering lights
that fit within the curvature that is my perspective.

i assume that reality cannot be this whimsical,
and yet this is no figment of my imagination.
perhaps it is in limbo that we see ephemeral things.
tonight (tonight), i dance with lightning bugs.

Half-formed Thoughts & Week 1 in Chi-town

My bike glides effortlessly through tree-lined streets, past houses and neighborhoods intricate in their design and presence. I propel seamlessly through the stream of traffic and weave in and out of cars, all the while experiencing the city and its diversity from an experiential perspective. I am one with the city, and my sweat hangs in the air and eventually collides with the ground.

Despite the ease with which I have gotten around the city, my return ride back to my home in the neighborhood of North Lawndale reminds me that the privilege of movement is not as easily accessible to the residents who have always lived in this part of town. There is poverty, there is injustice. There is violence, and there is drug abuse. And yet, there is hope.

Many of my thoughts are half-formed and I know that I'll have much more to say as I continue to work at Lawndale Christian Health Center as a complex care coordinator. I ended my first day at work today and I honestly feel like God dropped a box full of puppies into my lap; indeed, it has been a joyful week moving in and getting to know the people I'll be living and working alongside. Being here feels so right and I am amazed at what the Lord is doing and where he is leading me. I feel at home at Lawndale - this is the Lord's community and I am a proud member of it. Home: feels good to say it.

History is like a waterfall, ceaselessly falling and as much as we want to capture the past, there are many moments that slip through our outstretched fingers. And yet, there is a God who captures every single passing moment. Thus, there is such a thing as divine moments in every single day, in every single waking moment.

Vegan Smoothie Recipe #1

I've been making some stuff off of Oh She Glows - a vegan cookbook/blog that has some great stuff. Had some random stuff around the house and threw it all into a blender and out came a pretty yummy dessert smoothie. The frozen banana and pumpkin puree add texture and make it extra thick. I tossed some ice cubes into the blender to make the drink a bit less thick and a bit more cold. I'm gonna make some for my sister and see what she thinks. Also, frozen raspberries would be a great garnish and I think it would go really well with the chocolatey flavor. Whooo 

1 Tbsp cocoa powder

1 cup Almond/Coconut blend milk

Half a frozen banana 

1/2 cup pumpkin puree 

1 tsp cinnamon 

4-5 ice cubes 

Mirror Mirror on the Wall

AM I BEAUTIFUL?

It's a question that is on the lips of many young women (and men) today. It is the catalyst that drives numerous efforts that quite rationally, don't really make sense. Honestly, rationally, does it make sense to go under the knife and change certain things about your appearance? The question of whether you are beautiful is rooted in the weightier question of whether or not you are lovable. Physical attractiveness only gets you so far and the mirror will only tell you the standards that are accepted by the culture of this society. Beauty is a thing that has been manipulated by society, and as women living in this society, our beauty will always fall short. 

Let's go back to the question of whether you and I are lovable, because quite honestly, isn't this what we really want to know? Isn't this what we really want to hear and be reminded of? The answer to this question will never cease to amaze me. Yes, we are lovable - not because of our loveliness, but because God is Love. I am able to sense His love for me in the late nights and early mornings as I lay in bed, in the solitude of my quiet times, and in the rhythms of daily life. God is Love, and my mind cannot fathom, my heart cannot fully comprehend the extent of His love. I grasp unto the glimpses and I desire for more. 

Waiting Spaces

Waiting, in the realm of the soul, presents us with the same agony. We sit in the waiting room of the soul because we need something. Yes, we could get up and leave, but we would be walking away from the very place where our need could be met. And so we remain in the waiting place, totally at the mercy of God's timing and initiative in our life. -Invitation to Solitude & Silence

You have again and again met me in the waiting room, and I have yet to come before you with my palms closed. I treasure you, Jesus. You are my treasure.

Speak in the ways that you do, Holy Spirit

and sanctify the lips of a fool.

Move in the ways that you do, Holy Spirit 

reverberate throughout mind, body, spirit, soul.

Lead in the ways that you do, Holy Spirit 

closer and closer to consummate Love. 

All I am is yours, Father, Son, and Spirit. 

All I am is yours

What does it mean to be loved? To be loved without limits; to be loved with a love that is pure and untainted by selfishness; sacrificial love; love that acknowledges and heals my brokenness, my corruptness, my ugliness. Love that embraces, that covers, that touches the innermost need. Love that sees me and accepts me. That dies for me.

All-consuming love - this is what I desire and will desire for all of eternity.

Vapor-like

It's true that we live only one life and that this life is a wisp - a brief snapshot in the great panorama of time. We all move through life, through different stages. As wisp-like + vapor-like life is, I feel humbled and am in awe knowing that something, someone has filled my life up to this point. I stand here on the eve of two weeks before graduation and am aware of the tension of two contrasts: life that is fleeting and life that is full. To fill a life that is so ephemeral with a Being that has no beginning or end - heck, who IS the beginning and end - and to be loved by a Being who is the very definition of love. I move onwards, ready for a fresh encounter.

http://www.independent.co.uk/voices/comment/after-the-horrors-of-operation-protective-edge-palestines-children-are-finally-returning-to-school-9734214.html

Children of Palestine, today I pray for you.
Mothers of Palestine, the Lord hears.
Fathers of Palestine, the Lord sees.

I applied to a be a member of Lawndale Community and today I can say that I will be a member of this community starting this summer. Human Resources contacted me today and officially offered me a position as a Complex Care Coordinator at the clinic. God, I thank you. To live for you and to follow you, Jesus. This is my heart's desire.

Lawndale

I stepped off of the pink line and gazed around me. Where was I? In Lawndale, a neighborhood notoriously known by surrounding Chicago neighborhoods as an area ridden with crime and gang violence. A neighborhood also known for its community, and the Gospel. Certainly, I wasn't in Wheaton anymore. The minute I stepped off of the line and started walking to the Lawndale Christian Health Clinic, the Lord spoke to me: "Grace, you're in my territory now. This is sacred ground; this is my community." I was in Lawndale because I had applied to a yearlong paid internship as a Medical Operations Assistant at the clinic and had been offered an interview. I felt humbled and amazed as I peered down Ogden street and saw the impressive and beautiful facilities and buildings that have been spearheaded by people  in love with Jesus and passionate about their community. The air in Lawndale is saturated with hope; it is behind the smiles and hearts of the people who make up the community. Hope is displayed in the health clinic, in the Lawndale church, in the Green Tomato Cafe and the state-of-the-art gym facility. As current interns gave me a tour of the health clinic and the surrounding buildings, my heart began thumping and something in me came alive.

I sat in the room in front of three of the clinic's leadership. As they asked me question after question, I felt like the conversation was more of a spiritual conversation rather than an interview. Maritza, one of the interviewers, gazed at me and said,

"Grace, I have one final question for you. What are you most proud of?" 

When she asked me that question, I choked up and looked at her, answering:

"My past. I am proud of my past. I'm here sitting before you today because of the ways in which God has encountered me in the brokenness of a father who walked out on his family when I was only one. Despite the tumultuous years and the pain behind those years, the Lord saved me and ministered to me and found me in my brokenness. I am only able to minister because I have been personally ministered to."

Holistic healing. Healing that starts with physical wellbeing and emanates into other areas - psychological, emotional, spiritual. I am here to learn. I am here to grow. I am here to be a part of the vision that is the backbone of this community.

I'm going back to Lawndale to shadow the complex care coordinator. I should be finding out whether I got the internship in two weeks. God, I have faith. I have faith that there is a reason why you have led me to apply to be a member of this community.

Israel. Palestine. IsraelPalestine. PalestineIsraelPalestineisraelpalestineisraelpalestineisraelpalestine. ISRAEL. PALESTINE. The blood of brothers seeps deep into the land - blood that cannot possibly sustain olive trees.

Oh, Israel. Oh, Palestine.