Tears and All

 Somehow, the Lord sustained me through one of the toughest work weeks. Yesterday, we were back at the jail testing the detainees in their dormitories. At one point, some of the detainees got into a fight and the security guards started yelling, "get out! get out! get out now!" My entire team and I bolted for the door, and I'm pretty sure my heart rate jumped from 50 to 100 within those few minutes. When the guards started yelling at us to get out of the dormitory, my immediate thoughts were: What's going on? Did one of my teammates get hurt? Oh no oh no. My team and I ran out of the room and stood outside and witnessed the security guards rush into the dormitory and use pepper spray on the men who were part of the tussle. We watched the guards drag the men involved out of the room and into a different part of the facility. At that point, something inside me (a combination of adrenaline, exhaustion, stress, fear, anxiety, this overwhelming sense of my inability to do this job, my smallness even as I witnessed the volatile scene unfold in front of me) snapped. I stood there, tears streaming down my face. My kind friend and fellow nurse, Meg, held my hand and we stepped out to take a breather.

Later, I made a pit stop to get some coffee and as I waited for the barista to call my name, started crying again. I cried in the car. I made my way back to the hospital to get some other work stuff done and cried in our team's office. At one point, my other coworker, Maggie, called me and as she gave me some words of experience and kind wisdom, at which point I cried again. 

I cried because crying is my body externally expressing what it is internally feeling. I cried because this whole season has been a nonstop rollercoaster of trying to nip COVID in the bud, of fighting what seems like to be a losing battle, of endless monotony and at times moments that unveil the cruelty of this society and of this world. Holistically speaking, I am so very much exhausted. I can't do this. Lord, I can't do this.  Yet, underneath the surface, I sense that the Lord is continuing to sustain me. He sustained me that day, through the prayers that were prayed realtime by members of my life group and by my housemates, by the compassion shown to me by my team, by takeout food.

Tonight, I got to talk to CC, the worship leader at my church and someone who naturally exudes discernment and wisdom. I left the conversation truly encouraged; my spirits had lifted. I guess.. what I'm trying to get at is that it's true that I can't do this by myself. I need the Lord more than ever, I need my coworkers and colleagues, I need the body of Christ to walk with me in this season.