Yesterday was an interesting Monday. I started my day off by meeting with my team manager, Maggie, in our office at Rush. She opened the conversation by asking me how I was doing, and I told her that I was feeling pretty burnt out and that I no longer was experiencing sparks of joy when coming to work. Managing and overseeing pop-up vaccine and PCR testing events in various spaces and settings is exhausting work and I have been doing the same thing for almost 20 months now. I asked Maggie what our team's new contract with the city looked like moving forward, and she replied by saying that there is always going to be pandemic-related services that we are going to offer to the community. The only change is that we will be taking on more infection-related services (one of those involving testing for MDROs in the community i.e. axilla/groin/rectal swabs SAY WHAT). She honestly told me that the new contract was "not sexy" (she kept saying this phrase haha), and that there wasn't much room for professional growth.
There are times when we experience moments of direction and clarity and in that moment, I sat in front of Maggie and realized deep within myself that my time with the mobile team was coming to a close. My gut reaction as she was speaking was that I did not want to continue being in the role that I am currently in and that it was time to move on to different opportunities. It was super interesting because I walked out of that conversation different than how I entered it: an internal shift occurred, resolute in purpose and a catalysis for change.
So. That was my Monday morning, but let me share a little bit of what happened that evening. During the weekend, Liz (my housemate of 5 years who became my landlord as of last year) texted me asking if we could talk when she returned from her trip. She got back yesterday afternoon and we talked last night. Liz opened the conversation by saying that the house was moving into a new season (what with Ambria moving out in July to be closer to her current boyfriend and Mel also leaving), and that she thought it would be best for the upcoming season and our relationship if I also moved out around the same time. I sat there stunned into silence, absorbing everything she was telling me. She went on to say that she had been thinking and praying about this upcoming season for a while, and wanted to tell me sooner rather than later because May and June are typically when leases start. I responded in frustration, saying that May was technically next week and that I had not anticipated moving at all this year, given my car situation and work situation.
In all of this, I felt shocked, frustrated, angry, overwhelmed and confused. Why did she wait so long to tell me? And why did she assume that she knows what is best for me? She asked to pray for me at the end of our convo, to which I angrily declined and asked if she had anything else she wanted to say to me. I then proceeded to go upstairs and cry in my room and have my moment. I then reached out to my community and ended up talking and praying with Sarah. Another unexpected shift. I am still processing what this season will look like as I quite possibly say goodbye to living in North Lawndale for 7 years and this house for 5. I am mourning the loss of what I currently know, and am sad that my conversation with Liz was so rough around the edges.
What sticks out to me is the moment when I weep prayed with Sarah last night. Sarah prayed that I would be able to worship God in this moment of unknown and it struck a chord within me. To worship God in this moment of unknown. This is an opportunity to trust God and to worship him, even as I feel like the rug is being pulled out from underneath me. And so I give myself the space and gift to feel the emotions I am feeling but I also realize that I don't have to be stuck in these emotions but invite curiosity at what the Lord is doing and where he plans to take me next.
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