will I ever understand the depth and width of your love for me?

surely if i knew, i wouldn't slumber in this way.

I fear myself and what i'm capable of. I fear the free will that you've given me.

yes, Lord, there are countless moments when i don't choose you. the consequences of my decisions scare me .

abba, break this fear and mold me into someone who is faithful with the little things. consistency. faithfulness. oh, lord, that my love for you would increase and become manifest so clearly.

Psalm 137

By the waters of Babylon,

there we sat down and wept,

when we remembered Zion.

On the willows there

we hung up our lyres.

For there our captors

required of us songs,

and our tormentors, mirth, saying

"Sing us one of the songs of Zion!"

How shall we sing the Lord's song

in a foreign land?

If I forget you, O Jerusalem,

let my right hand forget its skill!

let my tongue stick to the roof of my mouth,

if I do not remember you,

if I do not set Jerusalem

above my highest joy!

Remember, O Lord, against the Edomites

the day of Jerusalem,

how they said, "Lay it bare, lay it bare,

down to its foundations!"

O daughter of Babylon, doomed to be destroyed,

blessed will he be who repays you

with what you have done to us!

Blessed shall he be who takes your little ones

and dashes them against the rock!

To you

i'm sorry. all i know is that love isn't this. and even though i've never loved someone in the earthly sense, i want to look you in the eye and tell you that there's so much more. that God's love is so real and so pure and so beautiful. uni, i'm so sorry. once, a friend of mine asked me why i was so different from you. his question caught me painfully off-guard. i felt like a deer in the headlights because at that moment i truly didn't understand and it broke my heart. why am i here and why are you there? surely god's grace is sufficient for you as well, and yet we've clearly experienced different things - your experiences more heartbreaking than mine. i'm not sure if i understand completely what it is i'm writing, but given the circumstances i think i'm where i'm at right now so that i can pray for you. come to think of it, i am here to tell you that there is a love that this world cannot give you. Your Savior desires to have a love relationship with you. it's not something traipsing around pretending to offer you minimal contentment and a self-esteem boost. no.

His love will set you free, and you'll see him in a way that you've never seen him before.

we awoke at the same time. it was early morning, and there was a stillness in the air. home. with all its past tremors reverberating around me. i'm back from my first semester of college and i've been crawling into my mom's bed every night to sleep by her side.

i love talking to her, here in the rawness of the dawn. mom, God showed me deeper intimacy. he showed me more, and i know that i can't simply brush that aside. how can i turn away from him? i can't. i won't. mom, look at these tears that are falling silently from my eyes. he is so good.

home. i am haunted by the past here. i can't breathe. abba, satan deceives me. he whispers lies into my ear, saying things like, "you haven't changed at all. see here, you've been away but things haven't changed here."

no. i say no. it will not be so.

if someone were to come up to me and ask me to sum up the purpose of my existence in a single sentence, i would say that i was created so that i could worship God.

oh, so this is it. this is what i was created to do. yes, i would like to do this for all of eternity. and it's when i'm standing there worshipping Him that i get glimpses of the consummation of my being.

I woke up around 5 in the morning today and couldn’t stop crying and trembling. I had dreamt that I was with my dad. in my dream, i had been repeating over and over that he had broken my heart and that I couldn’t possibly forgive him.

in reality, my heart isn’t broken over my dad. it’s broken over my sister. i want to tell her how beautiful she is, how worthy she is to be healed. that the way God looks at her isn’t at all how she looks at herself. she is precious. you are precious. He will restore you. and you will proclaim his goodness and be a witness of his faithfulness.

Hey grace,

"Come with me by yourself to a quiet place and get some rest" (mark 6:31).

do you realize how deep my love is for you? i told you that i would sweep you off your feet, that i would show you more of my mysteries.

do you know that there's more? there's so much more.

and i will overwhelm you. grace, i give to you. grace - not as the world gives but as I give.

you are a jewel - of unsurpassable worth. those that are hidden are more rare.

"Turn your eyes away from me, for they have overwhelmed me" (song of songs 6:5).

i will continue to guard you, i will continue to keep you for myself.

just got word that i've been selected to be in Youth Hostel Ministry. the orientation is this wednesday and i'll find out specifically where in Europe i'll be going and who else will be on my team. more specifics later!

“Then the kingdom of heaven will be like ten virgins who took their lamps and went to meet the bridegroom. Five of them were foolish, and five were wise. For when the foolish took their lamps, they took no oil with them, but the wise took flasks of oil with their lamps. As the bridegroom was delayed, they all became drowsy and slept. But at midnight there was a cry, ‘Here is the bridegroom! Come out to meet him.’ Then all those virgins rose and trimmed their lamps. And the foolish said to the wise, ‘Give us some of your oil, for our lamps are going out.’ But the wise answered, saying, ‘Since there will not be enough for us and for you, go rather to the dealers and buy for yourselves.’And while they were going to buy, the bridegroom came, and those who were ready went in with him to the marriage feast, and the door was shut. Afterward the other virgins came also, saying, ‘Lord, lord, open to us.’ But he answered, ‘Truly, I say to you, I do not know you.’- matthew 25

This is what God desires. He wants an intimate relationship with you. An intimacy that you can't find in anyone else. Intimacy. I want intimacy with You, Lord. I don't want to be dead on the inside. For the foolish, so busy shining their lamps, forgot to get the oil. Awake my heart, i don't want to slumber.

Behold the bridegroom, go out to meet Him. I counsel you, go buy oil, I cannot give it to you.

i dreamt dreams last night. YHWH, i am hungry for more of you.

Or which one of you, if his son asks him for cbread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him! -matthew 7:9-11

God's grace and mercy is a whirlwind that captivates me and draws me to Him.

YOU HAVE SAID, "SEEK MY FACE."

My heart says to you, "Your face, LORD, do I seek."

"God blesses those whose hearts are pure,

for they will see God."

Purify me, oh Lord. This is the cry of my heart. To see You in your fullness. To see You in all of Your glory. Arghhh. this is the cry of my heart.

sit on a throne in my heart.

place me like a seal over your heart,

like a seal on your arm.

for love is as strong as death,

its jealousy as enduring as the grave.

love flashes like fire,

the brightest kind of flame.

many waters cannot quench love,

nor can rivers drown it.

wednesday: i walked to edman chapel feeling tired and burdened. 7:45 p.m. i made my way up the stairs and went inside, i grasped unto the handle and opened the door. and as i made my way down the aisle. something tangible hit me, taking my breath away and catching me off guard. warmth and lightness pressing against me, making an impression on my being. god beckoning me, asking me to spend the evening with him. his love inoculating me, making me respond with quickened steps & greater urgency. i walked down the aisle, breathing in and out, caught up in something that i can't possibly explain. caught up in a presence that deserves all glory, all praise. freedom. i am free. oh, praise Him who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead.

Do you know what is beautiful?

that instance when after having gone up to take the bread and wine in communion, you turn around and in that split second, you see the body of Christ praising God.

thank you.

god created us uniquely. the genes that course through your body can't be found in anyone else. he wants an intimate relationship with you - he is jealous for your heart, your devotion, your wholehearted attention. we all feel lonely at times, but there's something beautiful about feeling this way. only he can satisfy you, because only he knows you inside and out. this is the sweetest kind of love. we're meant to feel lonely so that we can turn to him. so that we can soak in a relationship that is exclusive and special.

you were made for

wholehearted

abandonment.

Your love is abounding.

despite my self-righteousness, despite my pride and ignorance, despite my tainted perspective, despite my emotions, despite my impure motivations, despite . . .

and wow. yes, i was made for wholehearted abandonment.

Today is November Ninth.

someone told me (this was, of course, over dinner at saga a few weeks ago) some words of wisdom regarding friendships that left me feeling relieved. the worry of friendships and potential friendships here at college is a thought that has nagged at the fringe of my conscience. how much of myself do i need to pour out in order to maintain this relationship? and what about my time and energy? questions that kinda give me a headache. get ready for insight, revelation, what have you: friendships that are meant to be are able to outlast both time and space. in the end, it doesn't matter how long it's been or when you've last talked to that other person - friendships are malleable. malleable? yes, malleable. change is a variable without consequences. yes, you've changed. your friend has changed. so what? when you're in each other's presence, that special dynamic is still there. and then there are the friends that god places in your life for a brief period of time. they flit into your life - like butterflies - and you can't help but come away blessed. for me, saying goodbye is easier because this encounter and fellowship was supposed to last for only this long. i guess the point i'm trying to get across in this paragraph of nostalgia and current situations is that i should just relax and have faith that my relationships are in His hands. even better, god is showing me deeper intimacy with him and i haven't felt the loneliness that i used to feel back at home. thank you god. thank you so so much.

p.s. i've decided that i'm going to spontaneously buy a mouth harp. an instrument that you may (or may not) know as a jew's harp, jaw harp, ozark harp, trump, or juice harp. hurrah!

synapses are whirring away here on the second floor of buswell library. the sunlight embraces me - it filters through the windowsill hydrangea plant unto my face. so comfortable. if i could summarize my time here at wheaton so far, it would be "it is well with my soul". anyways, a couple of things that have been on my mind lately: when i ask God for His Spirit, is it because i want to truly live out His will? Your will. my will is my unfaithfulness to those who count on me. my will is turning my face to other idols, other distractions that blind me to Your presence. Moses spoke face to face with You in intimate conversation. maaaaan. this is what God desires of us, to speak with Him face to face. i want to see Him face to face and embrace His will. god, that i would be a good steward of your grace in my life. it's not about me. it's not about me. even when i want to make it about me, it's not about me.

oh god, that my heart would respond more and more to your love.
i want to sit at your feet, i want to soak in your goodness, i want this relationship to be less about me and more about you.
lord, i'm so so sorry. how foolish of me - to hold loosely the one thing that makes me feel alive.
i want more of You.

stir in us

i will bring that group through the fire

and make them pure.

i will refine them like silver

and purify them like gold.

they will call on my name,

and i will answer them.

i will say, 'these are my people,'

and they will say, 'the Lord is our God.'" -zechariah 13:9

one of the ways i feel like god is revealing new things to me is through the people here on campus. there's still so much i have yet to learn about edifying others. still, i kinda have this longing to pray for people i don't really know.. zechariah 13:9 recognizes the relationship between God and His people. i love how direct it is. unlike human relationships, it's straightforward - there are no unnecessary complications. it's in unison that we proclaim that He is our God. if only every single person on this campus would know that he/she is an integral part of this proclamation. i need to pray more .

Lord, I am coming

the one thing i ask of the Lord -

the thing I seek most -

is to live in the house of the Lord all the days of my life,

delighting in the Lord's perfections

and meditating in His Temple.

For He will conceal me there when troubles come,

He will hide me in His sanctuary.

He will place me out of reach on a high rock.

Then I will hold my head high

above my enemies who surround me.

At His sanctuary I will offer sacrifices with shouts of joy,

singing and praising the Lord with music.

Hear me as I pray, O Lord.

Be merciful and answer me!

My heart has heard you say, "Come and talk with me."

And my heart responds, "Lord, I am coming."

Do not turn your back on me.

Do not reject your servant in anger.

You have always been my helper.

Don't leave me now; don't abandon me,

O God of my salvation!

Even if my father and mother abandon me,

the Lord will hold me close.

Teach me how to live, O Lord.

Lead me along the right path,

for my enemies are waiting for me.

Do not let me fall into their hands.

For they accuse me of things I've never done;

with every breath they threaten me with violence.

Yet I am confident I will see the Lord's goodness

while I am here in the land of the living.

Wait patiently for the Lord.

Be brave and courageous.

Yes, wait patiently for the Lord.

-psalms 27:4-14

you never cease to amaze me.

life here is stimulating, exciting, new, fresh, and progressive. god is taking me on a marvelous ride. i can feel myself changing, but it's something abstract and i'm not sure if i could convey how or in what specific, subtle way. i went to the gold star chapel the other day and jotted down a prayer request: Jesus, be my first love - captivate my heart. it boggles my mind that i'm here. is it weird that i still feel this way seven weeks into the school year?

kyung soo

i want to reach out and crinkle the fabric in my hands. the juxtaposition of volume & angular lines is lovely. the girl on the bottom looks like she should be tipping backwards, but her attire holds her in static balance. texture. cats...? so clean and crisp.

j'aime ...

i like:

-riding my bike on/off campus at dusk

-not showering for a couple of days

-simplicity

-cracking my back

-baby apalca

-mirror neurons

-learning about psychology from a christian perspective

-putting hummus in my wrap along with some kind of meat/cheese, mushrooms, a little bit of lettuce, more mushrooms, & a little bit of pasta salad. see below.

-panini'ing (!!!)

-sensations & perceptions

-subtle acts of thoughtfulness

-co-op finds

-when kailey gets squirrely

-blanchard lawn

-seeing my inadequacies

-being reminded to be thankful

-nonverbal communication

-seeing people eat alone at Saga :)

ingrid just came into my room & told me it was naked night. i was planning on pounding out a few more things, but now my thoughts are scattered so i'm going to go to bed fully-clothed.

really.

(she was kidding by the way.)

You make beautiful things.

You make beautiful things out of dust.

You make beautiful things.

You make beautiful things out of dust.

You make me new.

You are making me new.

intricacies

i was going to go with the chicago evangelism team to wrigleyville last night, but i decided to lay low and hang out with myself in the library, which actually consisted of doing psychology and then catching up on modern family. if you heard random spurts of giggles, that would have been me. actually, the library was pretty empty which i guess makes sense on a friday night. i took my bike and rode to the billy graham museum this morning and spent some time with god in the chapel. it felt really really good. this past week burned me out. honestly, being around people constantly and being misunderstood by others burns me out. i just wanna be able to see myself from god's perspective, you know? i was reading jeremiah, and God directed my attention to a couple of verses:

"But blessed are those who trust in the Lord

and have made the Lord their hope and confidence.

They are like trees planted along a riverbank,

with roots that reach deep into the water.

Such trees are not bothered by the heat

or worried by long months of drought.

Their leaves stay green,

and they never stop producing fruit." -jeremiah 17:7-8

it feels good be alive. to be able to run to God and be still in his presence. i want god to carve in me a deeper well. i want to keep asking him for more of his spirit.

p.s. rode my bike to downtown wheaton and spent way too much time at the local yarn shop. one of the ladies asked me if i was a 'chapel knitter' even though i hadn't mentioned that i was a student at wheaton college. this place is so tiny. i love it.

today, i joined a prayer group that meets monday nights in the kingdom prayer room. we sat there worshiping, praying, interceding. of course i ended up crying and a good deal of snot and tears got on my clothes..ok, that's beside the point. the point i guess is that i was once again reminded of who God created me to be. i was born to praise god. wow. how amazing is that? i was born to praise god for eternity and beyond. it's unnerving how easily and how quickly i forget that at times. and yet, despite my inconsistencies, God always brings me back to Him. and really, in the end, there are no words left for me to say.

lord. be with my sister. i say no to satan's darkness. i say no to his deception. lord. i haven't talked to her since i got here. lord. my heart still breaks over her. tonight, i lift her up to you. take my fear.

On the mount of crucifixion,
Fountains opened deep and wide;
Through the floodgates of God’s mercy
Flowed a vast and gracious tide.
Grace and love, like mighty rivers,
Poured incessant from above,
And Heav’n’s peace and perfect justice
Kissed a guilty world in love.

i sat there, and there was fear in my heart. i live on a christian campus, but i feel like God is leading me through the wilderness. there is insecurity in my heart, and i want to look to something bigger, something greater than the trivialities that i've been focusing on. lead me through the wilderness. home is where you are.

bénis l'Éternel, mon âme

this entry is going to be far from cohesive, because sometimes, i would rather hear my fingers tap away on the keyboard rather than stare blankly at the screen. stream of consciousness, ready, set, go. (well..., sorta). we sang in french today. professeur zadi has a fondness for singing french christian songs and it's awesome that i can start my day off worshiping god in another language. i've been here for three weeks now. the leaves are starting to change color, and i can feel a crispness in the air. i mostly miss my mom and the warmth she brings into my life. i miss her perspective and my conversations with her on the phone have been brief. life here at wheaton is a swirl and mesh of experiences that i haven't fully processed yet. time is many things here. i kinda feel rootless, and am scared that i'll take my experiences here for granted. pretty sure i'm making no sense at all. the people here are wonderful, but there's this nagging desire in me for something more. i'm sure intimacy will come with time. i want to be a blessing to the people around me. i don't want to forget the vision god gave me before i committed to this school. when i look back, i wonder what will have changed? i hope i can look back and see that i've become more humble, more compassionate, more desirous for god. sometimes when i'm in His presence my heart trembles with joy and i can truthfully and sincerely say that each heartbeat is in response to His perfect love for me. He captivates my heart. when i walk around campus, i see students praying with each other and edifying one another. when i'm studying, i can hear praise drifting towards me from one of the chapel rooms. onwards, onwards, we run towards christ in our daily lives.

when i look back at the past 6 years, i'm so thankful to God. during that period, He was the catalyst that awakened me. He is the catalyst. i'll be on a plane to illinois tomorrow and i'm excited to continue to grow in God's amazing love. YOU are so good.

awake my soul

it's been awhile since i haven't been able to fall asleep.

my mom: "wanna go to church and pray with me?"

i think i was staying up just so i could hear those words.

mom, i'm going to miss you so much.

i'm sorry we have to say goodbye on your birthday.

6 days.

hosanna, hosanna, to the Lamb that was slain

i'm slightly jet-lagged, but then again i've always been fond of the early morning. i already miss mongolia. i miss the endless blue sky and the rainstorms, the streets with no gutters, the reckless driver/pedestrian combination, the Christians I met who truly embodied soldiers for Christ. the two weeks in Mongolia went by so much more quickly than i imagined. On one of the days i wrote in my journal that I wanted to meet with God on Mongolian land - not the God who i often pidgeon-holed, but a God who is beyond my simple understanding of Him. He opened my eyes and showed me what He was doing in that land, but more on that later.

My time in Mongolia consisted of serving two ministries that intertwined teaching kids english and sharing the gospel with them. The first was at the missionaries' kids school, the second the Ulaanbaatar school. By the end of the camp, many of the UB kids accepted Christ as their Savior. I miss my students! despite the language barrier, i formed relationships that i hope i won't forget anytime soon. our mission team also served at BASIC church and Icht Naran Church. As I was standing listening to the congregation at BASIC church praise God, I realized for the first time since I arrived in Mongolia that the God who was with me back in the States was with me there in that foreign country. The congregation sang in a language that i could hardly understand, but their worship was beautiful and so wonderfully sincere. Instead of singing with them, i stood there crying and praying. BASIC church continues to be persecuted by the government. The church has had to move locations 7x, which makes me wonder if i would continue to seek out god if my church went through unceasing persecution. I think i would, but then again it's a circumstance that i can only form in my mind.

One of the things God revealed to me during the duration of my stay in Mongolia was my selfish heart and pride. I realized that I wasn't serving God sincerely, but instead with ulterior motives and a desire to glorify myself and not God. Hea Bin JDSN told me that there should be no me to begin with and I agree with her. What does it mean to truly serve God? Many things..., but i think one of them is having a transparent heart. serving God with the single intention of glorifying Him. God opened my eyes to those things that I had previously deceived myself with. The holy person

Hearts that burn for You

MONGOLIA. God, open my eyes to greater, bigger things. i'm ready to serve- no longer do i want to minimize You or Your ability. my friend. my savior! this world can't possibly satisfy me. tomorrow, the mission team leaves for Incheon, South Korea. From there we'll fly to Ulaanbaatar, Mongolia. you know what's weird? i feel like i'm saying goodbye to myself. the person that writes these words won't be the same person coming back. i guess it's only natural to change before God. do you know what change i'm talking about? people change, but not in any significant, worthy way.i want God to continue to refine me. i guess it's a process that's already begun. to mongolia and beyond.

too many things are happening .. i'm getting it all down, it just happens to be on paper. currently, this is a season of blessing for me. at the same time, i don't want to hesitate to ask God to lead me into the desert - that i may be witness to His glory and experience Him even more. I will ask of Him this: to continue to pour out the Holy Spirit upon me, whatever season it may be.

AND THEY HAVE DEFEATED HIM BY THE BLOOD OF
THE LAMB AND BY THEIR TESTIMONY. AND THEY DID NOT LOVE THEIR LIVES SO MUCH THAT THEY WERE AFRAID TO DIE.

be glorified

Lord, i long for you.
i am hungry for you.
take this cup of worship.
with everything..., with everything, i will shout forth your praise.

to a friend

There is a field covered with yellow flowers. You stand in the middle of this field, dressed in your suit. I see you smiling. Do you long for heaven? I do as well. We will meet again - in glory, in splendor. until we meet again..

like a dream

today, my grandpa went into a coma. i remember the last time i visited him: i was trying to get him to eat, and in the middle of his meal, he began to cry. i tried to comfort him, but eventually gave in to his pleas of "go, go". why did i leave him? because in the end, i can cry for him and pray for him, but i can't ease his sorrow. because in the end, we are a people with broken hearts. for him, heaven is so near. the time for his restoration draws closer, and i know that he desires to be with his Savior. oh, but how i miss his smile. how i miss taking him out to eat at his favorite japanese restaurant. i want to rewind and savor those moments. time is so deceptive, why do i yearn for these moments only when it's too late?

.

////

we sing. in and out, our voices rise with longing. i'll miss this. i'll miss praising God with you.

So i'll stand, with arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all
I'll stand, my soul Lord to You surrendered
All I am is Yours

gameover

i am there
lost in a vision
unable to decipher
the
fire that burns me
from the page that writes me
-sw

where do all the echoes go?
they never do disappear.

i got a job at a garden center and it's nice being around so many living, thriving, vibrant plants and flowers.
i smell like sweat & wild strawberries.
i don't mind.

///

BREAK MY HEART FOR WHAT BREAKS YOURS

i think i'm beginning to understand what this means ..
or rather, God is allowing me to understand .

OO

people underestimate time. we put off things, get a little too complacent with what's right in front of us. i would just like to sit back, and talk about what we need to talk about. this is what i need to do before i leave . things will continue to change, you will continue to change. and me? inevitably. hi . how are you? we need to talk, because sometimes, words aren't futile devices .

momentary

what do you want?
"a bicycle and a piece of blue sky"

say hi to forever

/

where to begin? i am forever changed. forever changed by His gentle whispers.

"But the Lord said to him, "What are you doing here, Elijah?" Elijah replied, "I have zealously served the Lord God Almighty. But the people of Israel have broken their covenant with you, torn down their altars, and killed every one of your prophets. I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me, too." "Go and stand before me on the moutain," the Lord told him. And as Elijah stood there, the Lord passed by, and a mighty windstorm hit the mountain. It was such a terrible blast that the rocks were torn loose, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. And after the earthquake there was a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire there was the sound of a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he wrapped his face in his cloak and went out and stood at the entrance of the cave." -1 Kings 19:9-13

these past couple of months have been some of the hardest . my grandpa's dementia cruelly whisked him away from my mom, from me. he lives in the past, and i know this past of his is painful. to make things worse, he suffered from a stroke about two months ago, and is now currently residing at a care center. those who suffer from severe dementia are put upstairs. it's here that time becomes painstakingly unbearable. this place has a soporific effect. so this is it. is this it? during this time, i halfheartedly lifted my prayers up to God. i did what i knew how to do best: i shut others out, withdrew into myself, and tried handling it on my own. oh, you with trembling faith. but God, how merciful are you? i have stronger convictions, greater visions . He continues to reassure me that He is in control. it's all growing pains . but i'm at peace, and i know that my grandpa is in His palm.