The Emmaus Road

ah, it's been a while since i've been on here. many things have happened and thankfully, i've been able to get down most of it in my journal. Korea will always be my own version of the road to Emmaus. I came to Korea, and Jesus took my relationship to a whole new level of intimacy. The Lord blessed me incredibly during my time here and I realize how foundational my time here has been. I feel like I am running back to the States and my heart is shouting "I met JESUS in Korea." What did I do to deserve the Lord's presence? I did nothing. As much as I desire and long to continue walking with Jesus, the Lord wants it even more. Mind blown! When I return back to the states I will be wrapping my time at Wheaton and will be graduating in May. I don't have any plans for graduation but the Lord keeps affirming me that He has something big up ahead. So... I thank you in advance for your goodness and faithfulness. !!

aristotle, you rock my world

i entered my social ethics class and when the female professor entered, she immediately caught my undivided attention. she wears the same black dress and black heels to each class and i believe this is in order to detract attention away from her visual appearance - even though she just might be the classiest female professor i've ever had. more than just aesthetics, this individual has good things to say and never has a philosophy class been more engaging. our class is currently going over Aristotle's Nicomachean Ethics and even though I probably understand only around 60-75% of it, it has been extremely refreshing.

Aristotle distinguishes between descriptive laws and normative laws; the first set of laws can be something as simple as gravity making a ball drop to the ground - it is something that simply happens and something that just is, the latter set of laws are laws that say "I ought to [fill in the blank]". For instance, I ought to be more patient, I ought to help someone in need.

Now, Aristotle says that habits are tools that takes normative laws, those laws that say "I ought to do something" and turn them into descriptive laws for us that become an essential and integrated part of us. It's not good enough to simply say that you are a "just" or "good" person - these states of being should be descriptive laws for us that produce natural responses from us in the face of injustice, in the face of evil. For instance, I cannot call myself a disciple of Christ when the marks of the cross are not on my palms. Being a follower of Christ has to be an essential extension of my entire being - it ultimately involves my entire being: my heart, my soul, my spirit, my physicality and spirituality, my intellect. Following Christ should be a descriptive law, not a normative one. Not I ought to follow Christ, but I do follow Christ and following him has beautifully and wonderfully turned me inside out.

Perhaps dying to myself means allowing Christ to smash normative laws and turn them into descriptive laws. He is the catalyst and I surrender myself and yield my heart to Him.

So God, I pray that I would habitually turn to prayer and your Word. I pray that following you would involve my entire being and that you would take me into greater depths of intimacy. I pray that there would be no turning back.

i don't know how to process my time here so far. i feel like i am being scorched and i feel like i've been hitting a glass ceiling. i feel limited in myself, in my relationships, in my relationship with God. i don't know how to hang on to truth and my convictions - i am weak. with all my heart, i desire truth and a clear distinction between what is goodand what is bad. somehow, i am lost in the muddle that is the grey area. but my heart and my spirit cries out to the Lord and i find myself repeating to myself that I don't want to disappoint him. God, i am incapable of handling these new experiences. so, what does it mean to be thrown into a context that is today's seoul and still hang on to a pure spirit? my heart cries because what is beautiful is lost in small exceptions and worldly pleasures. i startled myself awake early this morning because i was crying in my sleep. God, i feel like i'm in a fog. i feel naiive and not ready to see what this generation is really like. i've seen glimpses during the few weeks i've been here and it has winded me and knocked the breath out of me. annoint me with your holy spirit and i pray that i would bear the marks of the cross.

I take my dignity and break it at your feet

For I have come to receive all You have for me.

This is my third week in Seoul, and I am currently navigating new waters. Quite honestly, I'm struggling with the pressures of this culture and i'm most definitely not at Wheaton. How do I stand firmly as a Christian in the midst of a culture that is saturated with self-gratification? For the first time, I am in a context where clubbing is a nightly ritual and where consuming alcohol is as natural as eating. How do I stand firmly when I myself want lose myself in the waves of worldly pleasures? Boundaries become hazy, and all of a sudden, I forget that I am supposed to be different. Right now, I don't know how to hold my relationships and still maintain my boundaries. Don't get me wrong, I haven't gone off the deep end but these are all new experiences that I am currently wrestling through. I feel that God is standing by, watching and testing me. And so far, I have given in to the pressures placed upon me.

So. This is a wake-up call and as this semester begins, I remind myself that like Daniel, I have to both live in the culture and be distinct from it. I know there is more that God wants to give me, and that He wants to meet me and take me into deeper intimacy. He wants to show me more, but that can only happen if I obey him and turn to him. God, I'm so weak. God, I am so so weak. I trust that you alone satisfy. Help me to settle for you and not for anything less. I have come to see. I have come to learn and grow. I have come to receive more of You.

you desire intimacy

from the moment i met Tony, i knew God had something special planned. shortly after he trained me, he left for vacation (i actually got the job because i was filling in for his spot at the Jade). I spent the summer praying for Tony, for my other coworkers, for Mary (the storeowner), and for the customers. actually, last week i was working alongside Mary friday evening and I turned to her and told her that God loved her. she laughed (it was a friendly laugh - not condescending) and looked at me and said, "oh, really? tell him thanks." as i pulled down cartons of beer from the top of the refrigerator i said, "aw, mary, i know it's weird of me to say." she turned and looked at me and said, "no, grace. it's not weird." we went about doing the evening tasks and i felt slightly awkward (as usual haha). as awkward as that moment was, i would rather be awkward than be bashful about God. i want her to know God, and I want her to experience his love.

anyways, i'm getting off track from the main reason why i'm writing this post. so tony was gone for a couple of weeks and started working again last week. a couple of weeks prior to his return, i wrote in our store notebook a little blurb about my faith. yesterday, i opened the notebook and saw that Tony had written a response - something along the lines of how he himself had found God and that the only thing God wants is our love and obedience. It was totally unexpected and I stood there for a couple of minutes, stunned and amazed. Today, as I was opening up the store, Mark, one of our customers and a fellow friend/Christian, walked in to grab some coffee. Now, Mark and Tony are friends and take smoke breaks together. I asked Mark if he had been talking to Tony about Christ, and Mark looked at me and said that he had indeed. The best part? Tony had accepted Christ as his savior and received salvation only a week and a half ago. I told Mark about the whole notebook thing and we both looked at each other in amazement. i am once again reminded that God works in intricate ways, and he uses the body of Christ to accomplish his will. tomorrow's my last day working, and I feel like God's will was accomplished during my time there. i pray that Tony would know the depth of God's love, and that it would shake everything he's ever known about love. I pray that God's love would heal him and turn him inside-out. 

I myself have been experiencing and learning some new things of late (all today actually). it's interesting, because at work today i was trying to post this little testimony on Facebook and on instagram, and I felt like the Holy Spirit was holding me back, telling me to not post. And because I'm proud, and selfish, and wanting the praise of man, I ignored the Spirit and posted anyways. It doesn't stop there. As i was driving home from work, I was distracted by my phone (looking at how many likes there were for my post on Facebook), and my car ran head-on into the car in front of me. It's interesting because out of this whole fiasco, the one thing that I feel like I need to take away from this is that God loves the intimacy he has with us - he loves the intimacy he has with me. When the Holy Spirit revealed this to me, I repented: God, I'm sorry that you're not enough. I'm sorry that I flaunt my personal experiences with you and desire the praise of man in addition to your love. I hoard the glory that belongs to you, masking it to all look innocuous and without ulterior motives. I confess that when I post about things that you've done, I look forward to receiving praise and attention from others.

I forget that God loves having an intimate relationship; sometimes, public disclosure is good and brings Glory to God, but other times, He just wants to have private experiences with you and me. I'm incredibly thankful because I feel like God is always teaching me something new. I'm thankful that I was able to go through that car accident and learn this lesson (although our car won't start up and had to be towed..) *sigh. 

Friends, all this to say.. I don't think I'll be writing in this blog as much. Alas, it's time to turn to pen and paper unless I feel like there's something in particular I want to share publicly. I don't know who all reads this blog; heck, for all i know, it might just be my mom. thank you for journeying along with me - peace and joy in your own pilgrimage. 

8/4 Thankful List

-Discovering new places to study - in particular, the cafe in the Museum of Fine Arts up at the University of Utah

-Coffee/iced tea with honey

-Picking up Andrew at the airport and being able to talk and pray with him

-Ritter Sport chocolate specially brought from Europe

-Morning rain 

-Picking ripe cherry tomatoes (when i have my own house, i'm going to have a little flower/vegetable garden. yeahhh!)

-Evening jazz music on NPR

-Busyness of a new season ending; looking forward in anticipation to the new season ahead 

-Weekly phone conversations with Becky that last around 2 hours; incredibly amazed and encouraged by her love of God and fire for him; also thankful to be able to pray with her (her prayers are beautiful, and one of the many things I love about her).

Caesarea Phillippi

The following thoughts are on Mark 8:27-38:

In verse 34, Jesus says "Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me."

But even before Jesus mentions anything about discipleship, he first takes the disciples to Caesarea Phillippi and asks them this question: "Who do people say I am?"

And sure enough, the disciples threw out trite answers. Oh, you know, some say John; others say Elijah.

"But what about you?" he asked. "Who do you say I am?"

This question pierces my heart every time Jesus asks me personally. And it's funny, because I need Jesus to ask me this question again and again, almost as if I need to hear my own answer. He asks me when I feel depressed and alone; when I feel boxed in by my limited perspective.

Jesus, you are my hope. Jesus, you are my rescuer and healer.

I think there'll come moments in each Christian's life when Jesus himself will ask this question. He doesn't care for what others have to say - he wants your answer. And it's an answer that you can't pull out of your butt.

It's interesting that Jesus asks this question to his disciples before he even talks about discipleship; i'm reminded that discipleship begins with knowing Jesus and knowing him intimately.

mom

one of my favorite things is hearing my mom laugh. it always catches me off-guard and is like a balm, smoothing away the day's wrinkles and capping the night (this night, at least) with echoes of it hanging about and landing softly on my eyelashes, on my bed - even on my current russian novel. perhaps my mom's laughter is the equivalent of fairy dust - it makes you want to somehow capture some of it and bottle it up.

and the best part? the catalyst to tonight's bout of laughter was a couple of kakaotalk messages with those weird little emoticons. who knew such silly text images could send her up the wall? jeez, i love her.

Beckoning

beck·on

/ˈbekən/

verb

gerund or present participle: beckoning

1. make a gesture with the hand, arm, or head to encourage someone to come nearer or follow.

   
   

   Discipleship. It's something that is unruly and unwilling to conform to my habits, my lifestyle. It's something I can't simply nitpick and try to incorporate cautiously into my life. This morning I sat on the floor, disappointed and frustrated at myself. Sometimes, I really really suck. There's no other way to put it. And then because he is gracious and merciful, he spoke: "Hey, Grace, it's all right. But you do know that this needs to change, right?" I felt like I needed to open the Bible to Luke 14, and sure enough, a section of that chapter reads on the cost of discipleship.

   
   

   Luke 14:25-28 says, "A large crowd was following Jesus. He turned around and said to them, "If you want to be my disciple, you must hate everyone else by comparison - your father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters - yes, even your own life. Otherwise, you cannot be my disciple. And if you do not carry your own cross and follow me, you cannot be my disciple. But don't begin until you count the cost." 

   
   

   The Lord never ceases to beckon us to come closer to him and follow him - He wants to show us more of his glory. The question is, do we want to experience and see that glory and are we willing to make the necessary sacrifices? I cannot possibly knowingly commit sin and expect to grow closer to God and grow deeper in my relationship with Him. But this relationship is something I cannot live without, and I know that his call to come and follow Him must override my own sinful nature. The Lord is alway the one that first initiates - moving closer to him, however, requires effort on my part and the act of taking up my own cross. 

   
   

   I guess I'm at a point where I need the cross to rock my world. There are things that need to radically change in my life and this is the point where I make a stand and say that not only will I repent of my sins, but I will turn away from them and turn towards Christ (with His help, of course). The road to discipleship is the course that I must take - there are no side-roads or backroads. I feel perhaps that four paragraphs is easier said than done - God, have mercy on me, a sinner. Help me to walk this path, knowing that you are more wonderful and more beautiful than anything in this world. 

There are days when I could slumber endlessly through the dawn and into the morning. Then there are days when I wake up, alert and with a desire to pray. I've decided to term this as "being wakened by the Holy Spirit"; thus, I found myself fully awake this morning at 5 in the morning. I followed my mom to the early morning prayer service at my church, what we Koreans call '새벽 기도'. And something deep down in my spirit sighed and I felt at home. 

Something that I have struggled with this summer is the temptations of my flesh. I desire intimacy with God and greater knowledge of his presence - I know that I can't function properly without his presence and my soul deeply hungers and yearns for it. A lot of this summer has been characterized by overindulgence - whether it's going on instagram & Facebook a little too often or not being able to practice self-discipline in different areas of my life. Honestly, social media is the cherry on top of a bigger pile of things that I have indulged in. This is where I insert a verse (Mark 14:38, actually) and leave it at that. No, not really. I think I have a long ways to go in terms of taking up my cross and dying to myself. My flesh is weak - there's no denying that. My spirit is willing - there's no denying that either. So… what now? 

When I sat in that room where men and women were on the ground praying out loud before the Lord, I was able to realize that prayer is the intimate connection with God that helps Christians stand against the desires of the flesh. It's me crying out to Lord for more of Him, for more of His heart, and it's Him graciously filling my heart with joy and life and ultimately, with more of His presence. 

21

I ended my 21st birthday by taking a midnight stroll through my neighborhood. The full moon hung low in the sky, dripping with shadows cast upon craters. In my gut, I had a feeling that I would end this day without a call from my dad, and sure enough, he continues to be very much vapor-like in my life. 

One thing that I've learned these past 21 years is that we are all born into a world that is very much broken. Brokenness cuts through generations, echoes within family structures, resounds in society, resonates deep within me. I feel that I am both the perpetuator of sin and the victim of the consequences of sin. 

Another thing that I've realized these past 21 years is that God's grace is so marked in my life. I am someone who is acutely aware of my own sinfulness and brokenness and need for God's grace and healing. What is ugly and what is beautiful have been juxtaposed in my life and I am once again reminded of the power of the Gospel. I give my family to you, Lord. I give You the years to come and I surrender and lay down everything before You. 

And I'm thankful that I could end this day with another reminder of the Gospel.

playing with shapes, shadows + texture ! Mmmm :)

Tips on how to ID well.

First off, anyone who is 21 can buy alcohol and anyone who is 18 can buy tobacco products. The trick, however, lies in being able to well discern who is 21 and above and who is simply a youngster who looks old. Sometimes, it's easy to tell who is obviously old enough to drink, but after the little court incident, i've been kinda paranoid and have been asking for identification from just about everyone. some people are super chill about it - the best is when they give you their driver's license without  having been asked for it. then there are those "grown-ups" who seem to take offense and give you some attitude. the most annoying thing is when they don't have id and then you can't sell them anything, even though they're obviously old enough. and then they make you feel bad about it.

anyways, a guy came in wanting to buy alcohol and he didn't have id on him and i told him to come back with his id. he got annoyed and gave me some attitude, saying something along the lines of "really? you don't think i'm old enough?" i shrugged my shoulders and he walked out. it was awkward, to say the least. 

and then? the best part. my coworker, ricky, started his shift and he took over the cashier. an old lady who could have easily been my grandmother came in and wanted to buy a six-pack. ricky asked for her id and oh my gosh, her response and facial expression was the best. her facial expression, translated into something like this: "honey, you know i'm old enough and now you're rubbing it in." ricky told her it "it's the law" and she walked out of the store, grumbling. I pulled Mary, the owner, aside and could not stop laughing. heck, if i was that woman, i would take it as a compliment and show my id with a flourish. 

I love working at the Jade. I love Mary and the coworkers, who are gritty and funny and sassy. I pray that the Kingdom of God would be so present in this small niche of downtown Salt Lake City. The Kingdom of God - here now and inevitably seeping and taking hold of my heart. 

Oh yeah, and the tip to id'ing well? ID everyone - young men and old ladies alike. ;)

quick thankful list:
-my super chill microbio teacher and my classmates
-fresh produce at the Jade
-awesome testimony from yesterday's court experience
-Mary and Jade coworkers
-whenever class ends, I drive home listening to jazz music and it is the best. you must try an evening drive listening to jazz.
-i have recently become addicted to 'Friends' and cannot stop watching episodes of it
-homemade papingsoo with my mom - she loves papingsoo so much…
-reading the Gospel of Mark for my quiet time 

Before the Judge

This morning I woke up at 7:15, rolled out of bed, and drove down to the Salt Lake City Justice Court with Mary, the owner of Jade Market. I wish we were getting together for breakfast or something, but alas, we had a court date. I mentioned in a previous post that I needed prayer for this morning but didn't really go into a lot of detail. Here's a little context: I started working at the Jade in June; two weeks into the job, a customer came in and bought a six-pack. I asked for his id, and glancing down, saw that his birthday was 1993. It completely slipped my mind to check the month and hey, going by the year alone this guy was old enough to buy alcohol. Interestingly enough, as I was doing the transaction, I felt like the Holy Spirit was telling me to check his id again but in the moment, I let the feeling pass. He walked out, and before you knew it, in walked in two undercover ATF people. They told me that I had just sold to a minor, and my mouth dropped and I stood there stunned. They proceeded to take a picture, fingerprint me, and wrote out a citation. The guy that I had sold the alcohol to was working for them, probably making $15 an hour or something. Anyways, my heart sank and my coworker told me that I would probably get a $300 fine or something along those lines in addition to community service.

 Flash forward to this morning and Mary and I sat in a court along with other people who had committed petty crimes and misdemeanors and after what seemed like forever, my name was called and I walked up to the stand before the judge. To the side were the city prosecutors and one of them stood up and told me that if I pled guilty, the consequences would be a $905 fine. When he said that, my heart dropped. During this entire time, I became overwhelmed with thoughts of what it would be like to stand before God and have a list of sins that I could possibly not repay. It's true, at that moment when I stood before Judge Baxter, my heart sank because I was experiencing in a very real way the consequences of my actions (even though they were in no way intentional). I became overwhelmed with emotions, and couldn't hold back tears. I stood there and asked Judge Baxter if I could explain my circumstances, going on about how I was a student who had recently started the job and how selling alcohol products was new to me. I told him I was already volunteering at a free health clinic and that not looking at the month on the id was a mistake that would never happen. 

At that moment, the prosecutor stood up, and told the judge that they had reconsidered and that they would drop the fine down to $600 and that half of that could be repaid by doing 30 hours of community service at the clinic where I'm already volunteering. The remaining $300 was to be paid out of my pocket. The judge agreed that this was appropriate, considering my circumstances. Ultimately, $600 had been expunged and at that moment, I was a recipient of mercy.

The consequences of certain actions require monetary payment, most likely community service and maybe a bad record. The consequences of sin before a Holy God required something more and that something more wasn't something that I could just scrounge up out of my wallet. The consequences of my sin required that I die and experience eternal separation from God. Just like mercy and grace was given to me at today's court appearance, God gave his Son to die for me in my place. I cannot grasp the enormity of this but I do believe that today's experience gave me a firsthand glimpse of God's love and grace. 

As Mary and I walked out of the courtroom, she turned to me and told me that she would pay for the remainder of the fine. All of a sudden, I went from having a debt of almost a thousand dollars to nothing. Today, I was lavished with reminders of how good God is to me and how he is with me, taking care of every crazy incident that seems to fall into my lap. 

Anyways, I'm now pretty much a Nazi (think soup Nazi from Seinfeld haha) when it comes to checking people's id. I don't care if they give me sass - I'm definitely not going to go through this again in my life.

God is good, and he takes care of those who trust in Him. He is active, moving the hearts of man - he is supreme over all things and rules over earthly figures of authority. 

meant for more

i forget that i was meant for something more. I was meant for something more than family, friends, work, summer classes, Facebook, instagram, image-control, time spent watching too many episodes of 'Friends' and 'Seinfeld' - the list goes on and on and on.

I was meant for you, Jesus. We were meant for him. And it sucks because I forget that, and my love for him runs dry. 

Today, I woke up to my mom singing korean hymns in her room and I grew annoyed because her singing woke me up. I see in my mom faithfulness and a constant and consistent love for Jesus; honestly, i don't know of a time when her gaze wasn't on him. 

God, help me to give my all to you - only to you.

Some prayer requests:
-Abiding in the Spirit and practicing the fruits of the Spirit such as self-discipline
-Joy of the Lord that is constant and fixed on Him
-I think a part of me is extremely wary of dating and I know that there'll come a time when the Lord puts someone in my life. Obviously, I'm not sure when that's going to be but as of now I kinda have this gag reflex mentality going on (ok, that's a pretty extreme visual haha but I could use a bit of prayer for a more healthy perspective on dating).
-Being faithful to the Lord in prayer and in the Word
-For compassion for the people I see at work
-I recently got a citation for selling alcohol to a minor (long story) and have to go to court this upcoming Wednesday. Pray that the judge would be understanding and that my fine wouldn't be too hefty. 

there is this burning passion within me to share the love of Christ with the broken and lost. God, i lift up to you each and every person I meet at the Jade. i pray for the homeless families coming through with their food stamps and the boys and girls that come in to buy condoms. each and every single person is known by you and loved by you. i pray for my coworkers, especially tony who seems to be doing some soul-searching and who i've been lifting up in prayer these days. hopefully, there'll be an opportunity to speak to him about God before he leaves on his vacation.

God is with us, so trust God.

I have so many things to share I don't even know where to start. First and foremost, God is good and I'm thankful to be able to share each and every experience with him. I feel like I've been experiencing his love in so many different niches and each time I am startled and delighted. Volunteering at Maliheh Free Clinic has been such a wonderful opportunity and I've been able to get to know one of the girls who handles all of the patient's prescriptions in the PAP office. She's a couple of years older than me and is half burundian/half rwandan. Esther is resilient and strong and beautiful. I know she has a passion for Central Africa - many of her relatives were killed in the Rwandan war and her sister went missing for 10 or so years before being reunited with the rest of the family here in the States. I can easily talk with Esther about faith and God and the Holy Spirit and we've had our fair share of laughter in the PAP office. I'm praying that she grows closer to the Lord this summer and experiences his love more and more.

I mentioned in an earlier post that I got a job at a production facility for Granato's deli and Vosen's German bakery. I actually wasn't going to go to the job interview because the owner was actually looking for an early morning driver but I decided to go anyways because I felt like God was telling me that the owner was going to offer me a different position. And he did! Thus began my time working with the production crew. The work is hard and the other people on my team are a lot older than me and most everyone is Mexican. We make everything from sandwiches to salads to scones, muffins, croissants, cookies, biscotti, among many many other things. There's so much to do and I'm pretty much running around the entire time. Two weeks into the job, I got an email from the owner of Jade's Market, a hipster-ish specialty convenience store located in downtown that has everything from rows and rows of Talenti gelato to kombucha tea and specialty chocolates. She wanted to meet with me and so I went to the interview and actually got the job on the spot. I accepted the job at the Jade and approached my supervisor Guillermo this past friday (super scared, super nervous) with the intent of telling him that next week would be my last week. From the start, he was so incredibly gracious and he basically said he wanted the best for me and that he wanted me to go after my dreams. He gave me a hug and told me to come back for a free sandwich and pop in and say hi to the entire team. And then? He told me that God loved me and that God was alway with me. My jaw seriously dropped to the ground and I didn't know what to say. I know God wanted me to have this job for a short time because I was able to meet men and women who work blue-collar jobs and who are incredibly hard-working. So this week is my last week working with RosaMarie, Bell, Guillermo, Jose-Emmanuel, Sharon and I've gotta say, I'm going to miss them. I have so much respect for them and I'm honored to have worked alongside them. My last day is this friday and I'm going to buy pizza and bring it to them because as far as I know, I'm the only one that actually eats lunch and takes a 15-minute break. I was so surprised with my conversation with Guillermo because usually, he's a bit tough to work with. I received so much support and grace in my conversation with him and I definitely didn't expect him to throw out references to God. Another thing God taught me from this job is how hard my mom works - I definitely got some first hand knowledge of how much she has sacrificed for me physically, emotionally, etc. etc. 

So.. Last week I started getting trained at the Jade and I love the job. Including the $11/hour pay! My coworkers are in their later twenties and are very cool. There are definitely some weirdos in downtown and we get a lot of homeless people because we accept food stamps. That being said, it's refreshing and I actually feel like I'm in a city. We also get a lot of upper class business people and everything in between. I'm excited to work here, and I feel like God opened this opportunity to remind me that Salt Lake City is my mission field this summer. The only thing that I'm kinda worried about is the potential midnight shift which involves working until midnight and closing up. Pluses to the job include eating as much produce while working, sweet organic products, 10% discount, and free parking. Also, specialty brands that you can't find elsewhere. Basically, Jade Market is like the Whole Foods of all 7/11 convenience stores. The owner also sells peonies and other flowers and Rosie's Deli is located inside the market. 

Ok. Enough about jobs. This past week was especially busy because I was a tribe leader in the Vacation Bible School held at church. I was incredibly blessed to lead a group of little boys and girls and I feel like the simplicity of the theme "God is with us, so trust God" was one that I needed to marvel at once again. Such simple, basic messages but those are the ones that are the hardest to grasp - especially for Christians who have been Christian for a long time. I'm thankful for the new friends that I've made and the developing relationships and once again, I'm surprised because I haven't been really close to my home church here in Salt Lake. 

Classes are going great, I'm trying to find the right balance and usually homework involves squeezing it in here and there. I'm tired, but in a happy sort of way. I feel like God is telling me that I don't have to be in Amsterdam or Hawaii to have a mission mentality. It's here. It's right now - in my interactions with coworkers and at church and other volunteers and people who stop by the Jade. One thing is that I would keep on praying for people here and for HNGR friends abroad. Oh! And YHMers. 

I guess this is a good enough update for now. Quick thankful list:

-Ice cream after ice cream. Yes, we had drumsticks at church yesterday after VBS and as I was driving home, I stopped by and got a frosty at Wendy's. hehe. But it was nice eating that and listening to Jazz music whilst driving at night.

-Today, I saw a circle rainbow. Is this possible? It didn't rain, and it was an actual circle around the sun.

-Thankful for the production crew and for good biscotti.

-The Jade Market 

-Andrew's laugh. Well, mostly him laughing at himself.

The Integration of Faith and Ray Bradbury

An excerpt from a novel by Ray Bradbury that I'm currently reading:

"Oh, thought Mrs. Bentley. And then, as though an ancient phonograph record had been set hissing under a steel needle, she remembered a conversation she had once had with Mr. Bentley - Mr. Bentley, so prim, a pink carnation in his whisk-broomed lapel, saying, "My dear, you never will understand time, will you? You're always trying to be the things you were, instead of the person you are tonight. Why do you save those ticket stubs and theatre programmes? They'll only hurt you later. Throw them away, my dear."
But Mrs. Bentley had stubbornly kept them.
"It won't work," Mr. Bentley continued, sipping his tea. "No matter how hard you try to be what you once were, you can only be what you are here and now. Time hypnotizes. When you're nine, you think you've always been nine years old and will always be. When you're thirty, it seems you've always been balanced there on that bright rim of middle life. And then when you turn seventy, you are always  and for ever seventy. You're in the present, you're trapped in a young now or an old now, but there is no other now to be seen."
It had been one of the few, but gentle, disputes of their quiet marriage. He had never approved of her bric-a-brackery. "Be what you are, bury what you are not," he had said. "Ticket stubs are trickery. Saving things is a magic trick, with mirrors."
If he were alive tonight, what would he say?
"You're saving cocoons." That's what he would say. "Corsets, in a way, you can never fit again. So why save them? You can't really prove you were ever young. Pictures? No, they lie. You're not the picture."
"Affidavits?"
"No, my dear, you're not the dates, or the ink, or the paper. You're not these trunks of junk and dust. You're only you, here, now - the present you."
Mrs. Bentley nodded at the memory, breathing easier. //Dandelion Wine 

When we walk through dry patches in our walk with God, it's easy to get hung-up on past encounters and experiences with him. It's not a bad thing; in fact, memories of past seasons can often encourage us to push through dry seasons. This lovely passage from Dandelion Wine reminds me however, that the past does not trump the present. We shouldn't allow the now inactive past to lead us to believe that God's activity in the present is somehow in some sort of divine funk. I've gotta say, being home here in Salt Lake hasn't been like previous summers where I was surrounded by Christians from all over the world and was being changed because of it. It's beautiful to look back on those times, but I don't want to be blinded to the fact that He is working right now. In the dry season, or whatever you want to call it.  These days, it's nice to let his reminders of how beloved I am wash over me. It doesn't matter where I am in my walk with him or whether I'm across the globe or back here at home - His love grounds me and roots me in truths that are too powerful to let go of. And for that, I am incredibly thankful.

laid in bed last night unable to fall asleep - my mind wandered into the past and old memories caught me off guard. i just laid there… crying. i couldn't shake it off and i laid there crying and praying. Praying for my mom, praying for my dad and mimi, praying for my sister.

Praying for my coworkers, for the families that don't receive medicare or medicaid and come to the free clinic looking for hope, for blind eyes and hard hearts, for the spiritually dry and faint of heart. 

Quick Thankful List

Busy, busy, busy. I got offered a summer job yesterday (yes! thank you God!) and will be working full-time on a production team preparing sandwiches and the like for Granato's Deli, Vosen's German Bakery & Wasatch Dough Co. During the weekday, I'll be volunteering at the clinic four hours in the morning and then from noon to six, I'll be working. I have monday microbio lab and class on tuesday and thursday nights and wednesday 'pray&play' night with church friends. this summer just got a lot crazier and i'm thankful to be busy. hopefully, i won't burn out but remain grounded in the Lord even as I go about each day. Actually, the way I got the job is kind of a cool story, but I have to get going soon so I'll leave that for later. Thankful to God for his guidance and I am reminded that he is always on top of it.

Some thoughts for the day

It is a lie imbedded in society that one's worth or value is dependent on performance and achievement. It is a lie to think that you can somehow become more worthy by doing this, doing that, by always doing something more. I want to start seeing people through a different lens - not the lens that society puts on - and be able to appreciate someone because of their inherent value. And for myself? There's nothing more I have to do to make myself more valuable or more worthy. Society continues to shout out that we need to do this, we need to change that in order to be more "valuable". My value is something that is set - it does not continuously fluctuate and does not depend on whether I [fill in the blank]. And obviously God saw me as valuable because he sent his Son to die for me. So dang, that value bar has already been set pretty high and we can just take a breath and RELAX.

A quick update on life here in Salt Lake:

-Classes have started and my microbiology teacher has a good sense of humor and is pretty chill. He told our class the first day that he wasn't going to take attendance and that we can basically choose what section to show up for (which makes my schedule pretty flexible). He also said that he understands if we'd rather learn from the textbook and not come to class at all - haha so counter-Wheaton. 

-Today was my first day of volunteering at Maliheh Free Clinic & I'm honestly excited to spend time here this summer. It seems like everyone actually wants to be there and provide medical services to the underserved (those below the poverty line here in Salt Lake). One of the clinic's core values is hope and I love that. It's beautiful to be in a position where you can extend hope to someone who is in need of it. 

-I'm reading through scripture + using a O/T commentary to supplement my readings. Praying for Thailand and the Middle East and also slowly becoming updated on world events.

-My mom had a cancer scare and had to get a biopsy for an infection on her tongue. She's so frail and her work at the post office and at the church are both taxing. Still, she's incredibly dedicated and obedient to God's will. Prayer for her (as well as my church in Salt Lake) is much appreciated and needed!!

Thankful list:

-Kombucha tea & Whole Foods chocolate mousse 

-Spending time with my sister yesterday 

-Maliheh Clinic 

-Classes that keep me busy and keep me from otherwise turning into a couch potato

 

Declarations.

I desire to be saturated in the Word and in the presence of the Lord this summer - may the seemingly boring summer at home be ironically the most abundantly filled with God's love and presence. 

I 

WANT 

TO 

BE 

ON

FIRE.

Somehow, caps makes everything simultaneously annoying and well.., annoying but my heart is yelling this right now.

Today

Today, the Lord rejoices over me. He sings and dances and his love for me is abundant. His love is abundant, and I don't have to do anything but soak it in. God, thank you!

Today, I am thankful for:

-Spending time with Doyoung's family
-Nahmyoung's generous heart and getting to know her and her family this past week
-Nice Chicagoans who kindly redirected me to less sketchy neighborhoods
-Crazy Chicago weather
-Walking through the beautiful neighborhoods and looking at all the different architecture
-Exploring all the different neighborhoods in the city
-Getting an A in organic chemistry (i'm going to miss that class so much)
-This past year and all the things that God showed me and taught me
-Finally getting around to making a resume
-Being able to sleep in my own bed
-Warm Salt Lake City weather
-Being home :)

"What happens in meditation is that we create the emotional and spiritual state which allows Christ to construct an inner sanctuary in the heart. Inward fellowship of this kind transforms the inner personality. We cannot burn the eternal flame of the inner sanctuary and remain the same, for the Divine Fire will consume everything that is impure." -Celebration of Discipline (Foster)

Transformation springs forth from continuous association with the most Holy. I realize more + more these days that I cannot & will not remain the same. It is impossible to maintain an intimate relationship with God and not change in any way or in any form. 

Conversations with a Buddhist

I shifted from one foot to the other, waiting for bus 8 to come along. there was a guy standing nearby, and i quickly tugged off my earphones and caught his attention, saying "hey, this is kind of random, but i just want to tell you that God loves you." I had been inwardly debating with myself for the past five minutes as to whether I should speak those words out loud to this stranger, eventually giving in to the promptings of the Holy Spirit. He said something in return, and told me he was a Buddhist who had been practicing for three or some years. I asked him if Buddhism brought him happiness, and he replied that it did. We continued our conversation on the bus, and then on the L and he talked about how transformation was possible and that Buddhism made truth attainable by wiping away deception - all possible through chanting and other self-induced efforts. I made some comments, and talked about how I found it impossible to attain truth + transformation by my own efforts; both these things are made possible only because God himself has revealed himself through Christ. It's not anything that I've done, but God's movement towards me. I am sinful, and not by any means capable of self-transformation. When I mentioned that humans are all broken, he quickly commented that not only are we not in a state of brokenness, but that sin is a figment of our imagination. I wish I could have been more eloquent in my conversation with this guy - i pretty much got swamped by his beliefs and didn't really know how to respond well in the short time that we had. And then he asked me for my number, and of course, I couldn't think of a clever way to say no (i should have just said no). Towards the end of our conversation, he seemed to think that I was interested in Buddhism & told me that he'd keep in touch with me. He also pointed out that he didn't believe that Jesus was the Messiah. Fail and fail. We parted ways, and I chided myself for my stupidity. Can't a girl just approach a stranger and tell him that God loves him? apparently not. Oh well, better luck next time.

Ethnography on the Jung Family

I've been staying at church family's house these past couple of days & as an outsider, I have been recipient of warm welcomes and pleasant immersion into the Jung family. right now, I'm on a stool chair in the kitchen, glass of milk on the table and Celebration of Discipline in my hand (now on my lab as i type on my Mac). I'm distracted in the best way because i'm thinking about 이모 (korean for aunt - a term of endearment that feels natural on my tongue) and how she loves her children. it's a stage in life that is foreign to me, and i feel that it will be unknown territory for quite some time. but i have enjoyed watching her with the youngest, 18-month Aaron, and I feel admiration and a bit of awe at how she manages a house of three children, a golden retriever named Sky (don't ask me why), and 삼촌 (who is pretty awesome in his own way). Right now the dog whimpers to be let out of his cage and Dylan (the other son) and his friend are laughing and giggling on the swing set (they were earlier having a screaming match), and 이모 is swinging Aaron, his happy demeanor apparent on his chubby face. Aaron is wonderful to observe and I feel like i can entertain myself just watching him. Actually, I have entertained myself for most of today watching this little tyke - even during his nap-time as I creepily observed him from the little monitor. At one point, I guess he saw the camera moving and his fat chubby smiley face got up close and personal to the camera. He is such a happy baby - right now I can see him flailing his arms and talking baby-talk, and I'm thankful that he is a baby that has received so much love from his mom and his other family members. In it's own time, being a mother must be a time of life thick with its own pleasures. I see it in 이모 and in her face as she spends time with her son. Her love for him tumbles forth naturally, and she unknowingly blesses me with it as well. 

Anyways, I'm leaving tonight for Chicago and will be in the city for a couple of days. I figure it's a good time to rest and process and explore some of the different neighborhoods and museums by myself.  I'm actually kind of excited - i love roaming new places and it reminds me of backpacking through Europe and the first initial weeks in Amsterdam. 

Also, my anthropology major friends always toss around the term 'ethnography' and I figured it was an appropriate title for this post. hehe. 

two nights ago i went into gold star chapel for some solitude time & asked the Lord what he wanted to do with my summer back home in Salt Lake City. in that split-second, he gave me a picture of a huge world map that I was unrolling on the floor in my room. I was praying for the nations, interceding fervently for countries all around the world. i am intrigued and excited. More than anything, I want to be so alive this summer - I want to be on fire for God and fall more + more in love with him. Summers in Salt Lake are usually pretty ordinary/borderline boring, but I dunno, something in me knows that this is an opportunity for growth and rest in the Lord (especially before I go off to korea).

sanctification is this crazy awesome process where I am able to be ok with myself + look at my faults straight on and allow myself to hold onto the promise that God is not done with me. 

wow! yes!
it feels good to let that out - i'm going to end junior year with this reminder: My name is Grace, and I am in the process.

I'm in the thick of finals, and am trying to wrap my head around organic chemistry, these past 9 months, relationships with friends, friends who i won't be seeing until next January, the summer ahead, the study abroad ahead.. Pause. Let's backtrack and zoom in on my spiritual life. I feel like I've put a pause button in my relationship with God. Somehow, this past month or so, I've gotten so caught up with other things and I feel like I'm emotionally and spiritually floating around. And of course, whenever that happens I tend to look at myself and selfishly think about myself and my own needs and wants (more so than usual). I am tired of the performance treadmill, and weary of comparing myself & not meeting up to my own standards. I am tired of a hard and dry heart. God, how can I extricate myself from this constant mentality of comparison or even this constant mentality of thinking about myself? I have yearnings and hopes for the next season in my life - I pray that you would ground me in your Word and in your presence and in your love. Turn me inside-out and I pray that this summer would be filled with growth, change, and a greater love for others.

His Story

so how does it feel to be a part of God's story? The God who said "let there be light" and filled the void with all that we can see and touch and feel. The God who made himself known to the Israelites and gave them the law, even as he knew that He would send Jesus to die for the sins of all. The Great I AM, weaving past stories and present stories into his own grand scheme. He is alpha & omega, beginning & end. The beginning of me, and the end of me. I feel that I am caught up in something too grand, too beautiful and marvelous; indeed, my mind can barely comprehend the intricacy and complexity of God's story and movement towards you and me. Ah, the transcendency and intimacy of God. He is God, infinite in his being. I am finite, taking up only a wisp of time and space. And yet, he knows the ins and outs of my thoughts and emotions and heart and mind and soul. He makes himself known to me, and life becomes more real, more vibrant in all of its joys and sorrows. He is with me, and I am able to experience the highs and lows with hope. God is not finished with his redemptive story. He is not finished with my story, or yours.

Weave my story into Your Story, and I pray that you would take my life in directions unknown to me.
The time I have, I give to you.

A Prayer

I pray … I pray that my walk with God would not consist of trite Christian words and trite experiences. I want to know the power of the Gospel and I want to experience a greater depth of God's love. Holy Spirit, increase my love for you and put in me a hunger that I cannot control.

If it's one thing that I've realized as I get older, it's that my capacity and need for God is greater and that I find myself desperate for him more and more. The layers of brokenness don't go away with time; time only makes me realize how selfish and prideful each person is, with me at the top of that list. Without God, I am dysfunctional. honestly, the only good + true + beautiful thing about me is Jesus.

God, thank you. Thank you that I can walk with you. That my joy is hinged on who you are and your goodness and your faithfulness. God, i've only lived 20 years but I pray that my love for you and for others would exponentially increase with each passing year. Father, I have so much to learn - mold me, change me, transform me. You see me; you know me, and I am yours.

these days there is a constant tension between good works and sanctification as an act of grace from God. these days, i'm ashamed because i feel like God should be more apparent in my life - i should have more self-control, i should have less pride, i should be more compassionate, the list goes on and on. did i mention that I feel guilty for coming before God with the same sins? oh yeah, i come before him with the same struggles and heartaches. and sometimes, i feel more healed than other days. but overall, i feel like i'm a let-down.

Stop.

I'm reminded again and again and again - each time i fall, each time i sin - that God knew the depth of my brokenness and sinfulness. That he reached out to me, and not me to him. That he sent his one and only Son to me. I can take a breath - a big one - and approach the cross.

God, you wouldn't have it any other way. You desire that I come before you broken and struggling with the same things. I come before you on this Good Friday and ask that I would be reminded of how much I need you and how much you love me.

i feel the need to create a summer plans list because it actually snowed something beastly today. where the heck am i? oh yeah, the mid-west. 

summer 2014 (goals get less exciting as the list continues).

>LEARN MORE ABOUT TURKEY/LEARN TURKISH
>SPIRITUAL DISCIPLINES 
> SCRIPTURE 'SPELUNKING'*
>GET UPDATED ON WORLD EVENTS
>GREATER USE OF LITURGICAL PRAYER 
>READ BOOKS BY A.W. TOZER**
>PRAY FOR YHMers***
>VOLUNTEER AT MALIHEH FREE CLINIC/SHADOW A PA 
>WORK ON JRP 
>FIND A JOB 
>SUMMER CLASSES (MICROBIO & MEDICAL TERMINOLOGY)
>STUDY FOR GREs 

*Kinda like going caving, but better.
**My world was rocked after reading the deceptively slender Pursuit of God. World. rocked.
***Also pray that I would one day be able to do the Camino pilgrimage.

Also:
>Think about S. Korea now and again. Some reoccurring thoughts:
-What am I thinking?
-Banana milk..
-In the case that I need some breathing space from Koreans, where will i go? First things first, I need to find a niche i can slink off to from time to time.
-My faith as a lens that will help me perceive the culture and people around me.

Thankful list:
-Steph got accepted into Wheaton's psych program and is going to be a grad student here next fall! Which means senior year is going to rock.
-Passion week
-Gospel of John
-Coffee outing with cabinet
-Got to hang out Saturday night and go to a hibachi grill with Wheaton's head pastry chef
-Thankful to be given the opportunity to be a student

Refractions

just as light is bent, or refracted as it passes from one substance to another, i trust that Jesus is clearly visible in the broken pieces of my life. I want to see you in my brokenness. I want to walk with you in my brokenness.

Prayer Group

I can't believe it's almost the end of junior year. One of the biggest blessings of my time here at Wheaton has been the prayer group that I am a part of. It's a space where each one of us has been able to be weak and cry out to the Lord. It's a place where tears of sorrow and tears of joy have been shed. There's a unity and a tangible purity and sincerity of heart and an authority that undergirds the prayers that are lifted up. The prayers of my brothers and sisters cover me. The prayers that we cry out to the Lord cause the enemy to shake and flee. I haven't found a lot of spaces at Wheaton where brokenness and grace have been so intertwined in the context of community. God, you are good. God, I thank you for the lives of Jeanie, Joseph, Woojin, Joshua, Laura, and Alison. I thank you that I see so much love for you in my brothers and sisters and they truly truly desire to live for you. I thank you that even in their struggles and weaknesses that they always come back to you. I pray that you would continue to bless our fellowship these next couple of weeks, even as we get ready to part ways.

Readings from John

Because of the miraculous signs Jesus did in Jerusalem at the Passover celebration, many began to trust in him. But Jesus didn't trust them, because he knew human nature. No one needed to tell him what mankind is really like. [John 2:23-25]
For God loved the world so much that he gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life. God sent his Son into the world not to judge the world, but to save the world through him. [John 3:16-17]

Can such a thing be explained? I'm substituting my name in for these verses and I can't comprehend the enormity and weight behind these words.

No one needed to tell him what Grace is really like... 

For God loved Grace so much that he gave his one and only Son. God sent his Son in order to save Grace through him. 

Help me to be despairing for you. Help me to cry out, and ask you for more of Your presence and Your heart. All or nothing - I want all of You. Show me to cry out for you in the midst of spiritual warfare, in the midst of weakness. Holy Spirit, wake me up early in the morning with a burden on my heart for the nations. Holy Spirit, break me and break down walls in my heart. The enemy might try to tell me otherwise, but I know that I am someone who has received the love of God and am changed because of it. I will not and cannot remain the same. Jesus, become bigger in my life. You see me; you know me - I will press into your presence.

I'm sitting in a wheelchair and am at a conference where the speaker is talking about healing. He asks the crowd if there is anyone who wants to be healed. The room is silent, but my voice is loud and clear and desperate: Me! I want to healed. I want to be healed! Slowly, slowly, slowly I stand up and put one foot in front of the other, determined to get to the front of the room.

Someone had this dream about me a couple of weeks ago in Phoenix, and I didn't understand or care to understand. I'm at a place right now where I can acknowledge the weight of this dream and admit that I need God to continue to heal me. Jeez. I'm weak and foolish and prideful. There are areas in my life that I don't want God to see. He sees me, and he wants to heal me. No more skirting around the issue or trying to sweep it under the rug. I want to be completely, irrevocably healed. What does this mean for me? I know that God healed me on the cross but what do I need to do to get my heart to accept that truth? He tells me that I don't need to do anything; he tells me that healing comes with receiving his love and allowing him to become bigger than self-condemnation and sin.

Taizé Prayer & Worship

I was able to go to a Taize prayer and worship service last night with a couple of friends and I left incredibly refreshed after a pretty hard week. If you don't know, the Taizé community is an ecumenical monastic order in Southern France that stresses simplicity in worship and prayer for world peace and reconciliation. This past year, I've been able to visit some Greek Orthodox and Middle Eastern Orthodox churches and those experiences have given me a bigger context in which to frame my own faith. I love the atmosphere of reverence and awe created in these spaces, and I'm grateful that my Christian faith has a rich history that goes beyond my own singular context and story. Ahh. So many things to learn and so many postures of worship to glean from. 

Icebergs of grace

strokes slice water 

as i draw closer to you.

i skim the surface of something unfathomable,

i skim the surface of promises of deeper waters.

hearts quiver, never to stay the same.

Beautiful one, take us into the depths of your grace.

Beautiful one, these yearnings rise again and again like incense.

i skim the water in anticipation of you.

there is no shallow water, in the depths of your grace.

my lips have tasted, my eyes have seen

there is nothing else that will quench this spirit.

take us deeper, show us the icebergs of your grace.

Thoughts along the road

Arrived in Phoenix a couple of nights ago & I was able to catch the last bit of Friday night's revival. I stood in the back, eyes closed in prayer.The speaker began to point people out and speak directly to them. Before I knew what was going on, he said in a loud voice, "the girl in the red sweater!" I paused, eyes closed. "Open your eyes. Yes, you!" I slowly opened my eyes and then he began:

"The fire of God is going to fall on you at this moment. You… you are different. God is going to take you to dark and dangerous places. Don't think inside the box - His plan for you is outside the box. You are going to have a mighty love for people."

I called my mom the next morning and told her what happened, and she began sharing what some of the things God has lately been putting on her heart. If i haven't mentioned it already, my mom has had this desire for the longest time to go to South Korea and be a missionary in a rural village after she retires from the post office. She's been a jdsn at my church for as long as i can remember and I guess for a while now, God has been telling her that her mission field is my home church in Salt Lake City, at least for right now. God told her that just as He accepted David's heart and desire to build a temple for Him, he accepts her heart as well. And just as Solomon was the one to build the temple, the next generation in my family will be the one sent out.

When I told her all that Pastor Del said to me, there was silence on the other end of the line. She eventually spoke, and told me that there were tears in her eyes. She also said that when she prays for me these days, she feels some level of anxiety over my physical well-being (future physical well-being) and that she's been having to surrender me to God.

I know there's some sort of calling in my life to do missions… But for right now, all I can think about is how selfish, prideful, and unloving I am. God, I need you to continue to change me and give me your heart for others. You've brought me a long ways, but I have so many areas inside me that are cringe-inducing. This is my prayer - that you would give me your heart for others as you walk alongside me. I know you love me too much to leave me where I am. Change me to reflect more and more of you, Jesus.

i'm in this canoe in the middle of the lake and there is fog all around me. i'm taking strokes across the water, but i have no idea where i'm headed. it's not that i don't have dreams, but i desire with all my heart God's dreams for my life. i know myself best when I see things from his perspective. i'm reminded daily and am humbled by the fact that i can't do anything by my own strength. the weird thing is, even though i feel inadequate most of the time, especially when i think about PA stuff, God tells me that he is big and that he is able. right now, what i can do is love him and receive his love. small, quiet strokes.

Small blurbs

This month's quiet time is on hebrews, and i'm loving it. I think hebrews is one of my favorite books in the bible. anyways, here are some random thoughts over the course of the last couple weeks that i jotted down in the margins of my living life devotional book as well as some random excerpts:

Every temptation the Christian experiences, therefore, is not only an opportunity to sin but also an opportunity to worship//when failures & inadequacy & condemnation overwhelm me, I want to look to Jesus. I want to fix my eyes on Jesus - above worldly lures and distractions, above my own pride & selfishness. Yes - He has overcome & is my refuge and strength//I know & have experienced God's faithfulness & hand in my life. This past year, especially. As I look forward to this year, I don't want to harden my heart but instead be faithful to God with all the little things, trusting him more and more to lead me and guide me. He will be the one to open doors//God blesses those who trust in him. Lord, give me greater faith. Help me to love you in the act of trusting you//God calls me to trust in him - especially as I feel anxiety concerning the summer and senior year//Today, I will rest in the Lord's presence and seek him out//I lift up to you this day, this semester, summer plans, uni and her first semester at the U of U, family//Jesus as High Priest in heaven - he prays on my behalf//trusting that you are by my side//Father, deepen my faith and help me to grow. Let me not be satisfied with mediocrity and complacency; rather, awaken my heart and stir my soul to desire more of You. Each day, reveal to me more of who You are. Make me more like you//I want to become more mature in my faith. Going beyond what I already know - God is with me and will never leave me. This year will be one where I grow in my faith and step into what Christ has given me & the inheritance that is mine//To hunger after you//fruit meant to be used & ultimately glorifying God - more!!//Are there areas in which you are trusting in your own works to secure a place of favor with God? we need to repent not only for our wrong doings, but our "right-doings" as well//like Abraham, I want to wait patiently for God's promises to be fulfilled. He is working in me, in my dad, in my sister & he will not fail on his promises of restoration. He is that good//There was a time when I felt so hopeless but this is seriously from Satan. Hope is found in God and it became fully manifest when Christ came to earth//Taking claim of the promises that God has for my family and me. I take claim//Do you ever doubt God's love for you? Do you ever doubt your own salvation? Then look to the cross. The cross is his promise that he will never let go of you//Before God uses anyone in a mighty way, He brings them through the wilderness experience. Embrace solitude and let God mold you through the wilderness of life. Your journey of faith is a series of little steps grounded in profound reliance on God. It is a faith-walk, taken one step at a time, leaning on him as much as you need//obedience should stem from faith in christ, not as a necessary means of gaining assurance of pardon from sin//I wan transformation to occur internally, not externally by things I do or don't do - write the gospel on my heart//One thing i want while I fast is increased focus on the spiritual, reminding myself that there is more than just the here and now & the physicality of the here and now. Hungering for the presence of God and the kingdom of God//Christ's work was internal and I am free to worship God and not be condemned by my brokenness and sinfulness//In his death, Christ made me an inheritor of the new covenant. I am a child of God and can now step into the inheritance enabled by Jesus's work on the cross//

didn't realize this was going to be somewhat like my own version of james joyce's ulysses. haha.
i guess some themes that God is impressing upon my heart this new year is leaning on God and looking at him. I'm convicted in the fact that faith comes from knowing God more and more, not by my own effort. I guess a lot of things are uncertain right now - relationships, plans for spring break, this summer, this fall semester and I'm reminded daily that it will be God who opens doors. In the meantime, I want to enjoy his presence and allow him to surprise me. It feels good to take a step back and give him the reigns - he'll be the one to cultivate his dreams for my life.