2013.

When I look back on this year, I am in complete awe of God and am blown away by his grace and movement towards me. He took me from a place of deep pain and slowly touched my heart and began to stitch me back up in Kona. He began teaching me about sitting before him and simply enjoying his presence. And even though I can't spend hours in the prayer room at school, I've been able to still experience and enjoy his presence throughout the day. The presence of God. It fills me, and satisfies the emptiness I find inside myself at times. This semester. I am so incredibly thankful for relationships with professors, friends and peers. My Christian Thought class with Dr. Burge, my time with Dr. Vlachos, times of prayer with Ingrid & tuesday night prayer group, being a part of the OCO/being on YHM cabinet, my friendships with Steph & Kathryn, laughter and joy and feeling alive and young again, making thankful lists. All of it. 

Home - there is a shift and I am better able to see how God has changed me. I am overwhelmed by his grace and love for my family. More than ever before, I was hit with new revelations and a deeper awareness of the meaning behind Jesus's birth. On Christmas Eve, I laid in bed beside my sister with thoughts of my deep brokenness and the brokenness of my family. Ah, so this is why Jesus came to us. He knew the depth of this brokenness and came to restore, to heal. 

God is at work. I've been praying for my sister for almost 10 years and I feel like I have to rub my eyes because I'm beginning to see a little bit of what he is doing. I'm still thrown off by how God is working in my sister's heart and what she is learning these days. I don't think I ever doubted God's faithfulness, but it's like you pray for so long and expect to see answered prayers in the distant future.  He is at work right now, and I am reminded that his timing is good. She's 28 and starting classes at the U of U this monday. My mom graduated this past May and received her Masters of Divinity after years and years of sweat & blood. I guess I'm the boring one. ha ha. Anyways, I see my sister at a crossroads right now. The choice of change is there on one side and the temptations of an old life are on the other side. She talks to me about how God must be angry at her for all the decisions and choices she's made in the past decade or so. I've even more at awe that she even talks about God and acknowledges him. I'm also reminded that every single person is at a different stage in life and in a different place in their relationship with God. I see God's grace displayed so profoundly in my sister's life and I know that He will never let her go. 

My prayer for you is that you would experience the depth of God's love -it will come, because God never leaves us as we are. 

I am so incredibly thankful and I pray that 2014 would be a year where I'm able to swim in deeper waters. I want to experience more of God's love and more of his presence. I want to know the ins and outs of his heart and I definitely want him to continue changing me.

Peace out, 2013. Onto new adventures and increased delight in the Lord. God, you are good.

σώζω

SOZO: to save, to make whole

One of the biggest things I took away from my Christian Thought class this semester was a more explicit awareness of the fact that Christ's resurrection was a bodily resurrection and that he has an actual body in heaven. Sure, I had grown up on Sunday School lessons about Jesus's bodily resurrection but somehow, I failed to translate that to an actual bodily existence in heaven. I guess for most of my life, I didn't really think about whether Jesus was a spirit in heaven or if he had a body. All I knew was that he was up there. So I'm sitting there trying to wrap my head around what Dr. Burge just said, that Jesus didn't ditch what he embraced. And then I got it, and i'm pretty sure my mouth dropped open and I looked like an idiot for that entire class and even after. Even right now, I am baffled at the extent of God's love. Jesus came in the flesh and brought back to God his creatureliness. All of a sudden, Jesus as High Priest and as our representative makes sense and I feel like a pandora's box has opened except what's coming out is a new awareness of God's love for me. As I look forward to celebrating Jesus's birth, I realize that the incarnation of Christ was an act of salvation and was so integral to my own salvation. When Christ was born, something happened that would mark a shift in history. Christ came to earth so that I would be healed of my sins, of my brokenness. I have no more words but instead a lot of silences saturated with thankfulness.

Ecclesiastes 12

Don’t let the excitement of youth cause you to forget your Creator. Honor him in your youth before you grow old and say, “Life is not pleasant anymore.” Remember him before the light of the sun, moon, and stars is dim to your old eyes, and rain clouds continually darken your sky. Remember him before your legs—the guards of your house—start to tremble; and before your shoulders—the strong men—stoop. Remember him before your teeth—your few remaining servants—stop grinding; and before your eyes—the women looking through the windows—see dimly.

Remember him before the door to life’s opportunities is closed and the sound of work fades. Now you rise at the first chirping of the birds, but then all their sounds will grow faint.

Remember him before you become fearful of falling and worry about danger in the streets; before your hair turns white like an almond tree in bloom, and you drag along without energy like a dying grasshopper, and the caperberry no longer inspires sexual desire. Remember him before you near the grave, your everlasting home, when the mourners will weep at your funeral.

Yes, remember your Creator now while you are young, before the silver cord of life snaps and the golden bowl is broken. Don’t wait until the water jar is smashed at the spring and the pulley is broken at the well. For then the dust will return to the earth, and the spirit will return to God who gave it.

Thanksgiving Gratitude List

Thankful for:

1. A day to give thanks and worship God with good food, a warm house, and fellowship.

2. Erica's quirky and loving family.

3. We sang 'Give Thanks' at church last night - thankful for all the memories associated with that song.

4. Uni being accepted to the U of U.

5. My mom's walk with Christ.

6. This fall semester and all the things that God has taught me, shown me, and blessed me with.

7. Christian thought and Dr. Burge.

8. Friendships that have allowed me to be myself in all my weirdness and quirkiness. Friendships with Steph and Kathyrn.

9. The special people in prayer group - Jeanie, Alison, Josh, Woojin, Joseph. My dear brothers and sisters in Christ! 

10. Growing closer to Jeanie and Alison.

11. The OCO and the safe community that it has provided. Being on YHM cabinet and getting to know Liz better.

12. Jubilee Chapel and the excitement I have every time Sunday rolls around.

Father, thank you so much for these blessings. I pray that you would continue to give me a heart of gratitude and that in both good times and hard times, I would always lift up to you thanksgivings. 

Our praise will never end, because Your love will never end

felt tired today and at breakfast, i sat still for a couple of moments and invited God to go through this day with me and give me strength. he showed me his love today in very profound instances, one of which was during my anatomy class. dr. townsend took some time at the end of class to share her testimony and how she came to know Christ. she started getting teary-eyed and all of us felt deep within us the grace and love of God in her life. the other instance was when I opened my email to find a message from dr. vlachos. last friday, he had surgery to get some bladder stones out and he spent the weekend recuperating. I found out from a friend that he arrived for class this morning but had to leave because he wasn't feeling well. This is what he wrote me:

Hi, Gracie bug,

My system went into some kind of shock last night and before class today due to some complications from the surgery.  I was trying to stick it out but thought it best to get to the doctor as quickly as possible.  . 

Things have somewhat stabilized.  The doctor thinks I will be fine.  I am supposed to speak at the Passage orientation meetingtomorrow morning, so I will try to get to campus and hopefully make it through my 11:15-1:00 class too.                

I looked out at the class today and wanted to tell them how much I appreciate them, but I didn't want to get too sappy. :-) 

But it's true.  I love my students.  If I didn't, I would not have gotten out of bed this morning. 

IHS,            

Dr. Vlachos

---------

The love of christ. The love of God is saturated in the lives of the people around me. I see it, and am moved deeply by it. 

At the end of last year, I was in the elevator in the BGC and Dr. Root came into the elevator and pressed the button for the 3rd floor. He introduced himself (even though I had previously been in his evangelism class) and we started talking - you know, about Utah and Mormons and such. I stepped out unto the 3rd floor with him and he looked at me and said, "Grace, I'm not going to remember this, but make sure to come up to me in the fall and grab a meal with me." After that, we parted ways. I remember this brief moment with Dr. Root because at the time, I felt God's presence behind his friendly gesture - it was especially important because I was ending a school-year that had been so incredibly hard.

The other day, I was in the elevator going up to Dr. Vlachos' office and in came Dr. Root. Again, he didn't remember me and asked me what my name was. I didn't bother to tell him that I had been in his evangelism class and that we had already introduced ourselves in the elevator this past may. There was some small talk, and he asked me what my major was, eventually getting off at the 3rd floor.

I am struck by the subtle ways that God remains faithful in my life and the whimsicality of it all. I am reminded that God is consistent and faithful. It's like he wants to tell me that He was there with me during the darkest season and that He is still with me in the here and now - in the season of growth and increasing fascination with God's love and grace. His love truly never ends, never recedes.

An Etude on the Presence of God

[A love poem]

It is a holy space, this place where deep calls out to deep.
I feel in the air a vibrancy that I can't quite place -
a quickening of my soul, as I encounter you, O God, the wholly other.
Freely I partake in numinous communion, with trembling
and a taste of what is sacred.
This is all it takes to fill the caverns within me with your grace.

Echoes will draw me back and these
uplifted palms will be marked with psalms -
but for now, I recede into you, into this holy place.

today

days like this, i am humbled and readily acknowledge my weakness, selfishness, pride, insecurity, sinfulness and brokenness. i attribute it to the mighty work of the Holy Spirit - it's the Holy Spirit that opens my eyes to my own wretchedness and the overwhelming grace of God. we all need the Holy Spirit to allow us to see our need for God.. even in moments when i see the ugliness of my sinful nature, greater still is the God who is at work in me, transforming me into the likeness of Christ. God, forgive me for my sins and help me to walk in righteousness. i want to walk in righteousness.

Reoccurring thoughts: I want to be a lover of the Word.

because faith isn't simply emotions

so, a couple of my friends and i drove down to kansas city to check out International House of Prayer (IHOP) this fall break. i got back today at three in the morning and am still trying to process the past 24 hours or so. I'm pretty thankful for the time that i got to spend in the car with derek and john as well as the time in the prayer room. this trip was pretty spontaneous and i decided only a couple of days prior to fall break that i was going to tag along and go with them down to Kansas City. when i prayed to God about it, I felt like he was opening this door and giving me the option of choosing to check out IHOP. and i went, and was blessed and refreshed by the time of prayer and worship . At the same time, however, i felt like God gave me discernment and was teaching me some things, mainly the tendency of a lot of Christians to anchor their faith on emotions and spiritual/emotional highs. now, i'm a pretty emotional person and during this entire time, i was reminded of freshman year in college, a time that was really a point in my life where i was falling more and more in love with Christ. A lot of my growth and new awareness of Christ was hinged on IHOPy emotional highs - it was all so new for me and even though Christ was growing me, I realize that it wasn't the healthiest spiritual state. Because a faith that is hinged on emotions is bound to crash at some point. So anyways, these were some of the thoughts i had while i was visiting IHOP. 

A lot of the time, I feel like i'm barely skimming the surface in my relationship with Christ. God tells me that there is so so so much more and I know that I have yet to hit the part of the iceberg beneath the surface in my walk with him. And yet, I don't want to go deeper in my emotions. I want to find God in the Bible and have himself reveal himself to me. There is more, only i don't want to lose myself in emotions and make the emotional highs an idol. i want my relationship with God to be a balance where i'm loving God both inside and outside my emotions. Does that make sense? Nevertheless, I'm glad that I went and got to grow my friendships with Derek and John. God is so good, and I feel like he's constantly teaching me something new and allowing me to discern what is of His will and what isn't. Jesuuuuuuus - you're the best. 

spoken word so good

practicing the presence of God

these days i am learning more about practicing the presence of God. it's been so wonderful living in the freedom of His love and i find myself at times boggled by the contrast of this year compared to sophomore year. i'm aware of a nearness of His presence - whether it's walking to saga or sitting with a friend watching spoken word poetry clips on youtube. here are some more instances where i've encountered the love and presence of God this week: in phone calls with my mom, in my times of stillness before God, in looking at an eyepiece and seeing saturn and venus, in dissecting a human body  in anatomy lab, in making banana bread with fresh bananas and blueberries, in morning porch prayers, and in serving and loving others. another thing i've been doing consistently these days is jotting down thankful lists. there must be some sort of connection between feeling the presence of God and making thankful lists because i find that there is a complementary aspect in being simultaneously engaged in both practices. today, i hear God whispering to me, "Grace, i delight in you."

the golden hour

THE GOLDEN HOUR

your presence is like the golden hour

washing over me through and through

caressing empty spaces with golden hues 

and softly covering rough edges

i am able to breathe you in and out 

and appreciate the stillness that you so love

your presence is welcome in this space

hawaii 2013

kerry turned to me today at church and started speaking about being in the light. Christ took me out of darkness and into light - why then did i feel so ensnared by my sin and brokenness all last year? i mentioned in an earlier post that i felt like i was lot’s wife, constantly looking back at my sin (and past). in reality, i stand in the light and the only darkness that remains is the shadow cast on the ground - it’s behind me. so i guess appreciating Christ’s work on the cross means allowing yourself to be bathed in the light, knowing that redemption means no more looking back at that shadow of sin and death. it’s a thing of the past. thank you God, for using kerry to get this message across to me. you’ve accomplished all that you wanted to do during my time here and i think i’m ready to go back.

Dear Abby

An excerpt from an email that i wrote my friend. i'm putting it here because i'm too lazy to write down all that has been going on these past few weeks. that's hawaii for ya. ;)

so.. this is my last week in hawaii. i haven't done a lot of journaling so i'm sure that it'll bite me in the butt when i'm home and trying to process 8 weeks. on friday i spent the whole night in the prayer room with a friend worshipping, praying, reading the bible, and occasionally sleeping. i've never spent a whole night in a prayer room but it was kinda magical praying at 2 in the morning. abby, this summer has been one of restoration and even though i came in with low expectations, God really really broke through and allowed me to encounter His love once again. i realized that for 9 months, i was putting Jesus in a wheelchair and saying that He was unable to heal me and all my junk. for those 9 months, i truly felt like i was drowning and in a place where no one was able to meet me. at the beginning of mission builders, a lady prayed for me and said that Jesus was doing CPR on me and reviving me. and he has. he truly has. He has become a bigger God and even though i'm nervous about going back home, i feel that my time here is done. I feel stronger in my faith and i know that i'm not the same person going back. it's so funny because Satan likes to attack me in the same way with the same tactics but God has been equipping me with reminders of His presence and with the fact that Jesus resides in me and I have the power to invoke the authority of Jesus Christ. Also - Jesus is victorious. the enemy has got nothing on me. this is what i've been (re)learning these days and i pray that the cross and redemption would continue becoming bigger and bigger in my life. i'm happy because loving God is so effortless these days - i just go into the prayer room and sit there with Him. no words, just thoughts and sometimes quietness. 

-

today, pieter and dawn heres spoke at the mission builders tuesday night meeting. i got a chance to talk with dawn afterwards and she said she wanted to pray for me. before i forget, i'm going to write down a couple of points she mentioned in her prayer for me.

1. Gentle spirit, but strong
2. Wisdom
3. There’s a campsite with just me and Jesus sitting there, having our own tete-a-tete. Takes me by the head and he is looking steadfastly at me
4. Jesus will never leave me. He is with me - even through the valley of the shadow of death.
5. Gift of leadership. Influencing and leading others, but in a gentle way
6. Head knowledge to heart knowledge 
7. Jesus is doing CPR on me, reviving me (which is amazing, because at the beginning of my sophomore year, kailey saw a picture of me caught in a net under the waves. my friend danielle found me in the prayer room this past april and as she prayed, she saw me being carried out farther and farther away by a riptide. seriously felt this way by the end of the year; i felt like no one could meet me where i was at and that i was unreachable).

Jesus, you save.

You are my hope when i am hopeless

I confess that the school-year was so hard because i placed God in a wheelchair. I was hurting and carried doubts about the extent of his ability to heal me and my family. So so skewed, right? In my pain and in my depression, my perspective towards God, others, and myself became so toxic. The love and joy that I had in my Savior was shaken and ultimately, it influenced my relationships and self-perspective. This past month has been one of complete surrender. The Lord tells me that He is bigger. That He is bigger than my fears, anxieties, doubts, selfishness, pride, and ultimately, myself. I'm letting go of feelings of self-entitlement and control over myself and my relationships. i'm not entitled to perfect relationships; it's because of God's love and grace that He is working in my family and who am I to be bitter towards him? i surrender my family, i surrender myself. i surrender all the areas that i haven't been relinquishing to you. yes, you know. God is working, His Spirit is moving. 

I feel like my relationship with Him is becoming stronger. I feel His presence in both new and old ways. I've missed this joy I had in you, God. blind me to myself and fix my eyes on you. 

Psalm 142

You are what I really want in life - not the praise of men, not acceptance or status, not material distractions and outward attraction, not fame, glory, or recognition, not even fulfilled relationships.

Help me to cherish you, hunger for you, love you deeply and without restraint, wholeheartedly and eagerly. Help me to end with myself and begin with you, Jesus. I look beyond myself, beyond right now and look at You. You offer relentless love and joy and I will fill my soul with Your presence.

hawaii

need space to repent and allow God to speak to me. i want to hear His voice. hitting pause on my relationship with my sister and dad for now.feeling caught between my dad and sister's broken relationship. i am angry and frustrated at myself for my lack of love for both of them; i feel like my ability to love my sister and dad is running dry. overwhelmed with these burdens and i just want to release everything to you. jesus only you can give me the ability to love wholeheartedly. it's because of your goodness and unfailing love that i am found in the midst of my wretchedness. help me to love wholeheartedly.

it fills the room, quietly seeps into cracks and into the fabric of inert shapes. it's ok to be quiet and allow yourself to be swayed by heart flutterings and heart particulars. good for you, and me, that sometimes these things are perfectly normal. unnatural thoughts are absorbed into walls and in return, i am fed new thoughts, new romances. it's ok.

 botanica. 

grace, this is the way, now walk in it.
i hear you say this to me lately. i will walk on the path that you have set before me. Lord, i will have nothing else but your love and your presence. through the valleys and across the peaks, walk with me. i pray that you would show me more of who you are this summer. i pray that i would fall in love more and more with you and that it would overflow to others. i pray that you would give me a greater longing for your kingdom to come and that that longing would translate to words and actions that reflect your love. i thank you for growing me and meeting me in my heartache and depression. Jesus, i trust you & i follow you. you are worthy. worthy of my life and worthy of my devotion. that this life would be a pleasing fragrance before you.

Then as I looked, I saw a door standing open in heaven, and the same voice I had heard before spoke to me like a trumpet blast. The voice said, "Come up here, and I will show you what must happen after this." And instantly I was in the Spirit, and I saw a throne in heaven and someone sitting on it. [revelation 4:1-2]

come what may, things are secure. Christ reigns and sits on the throne and come what may, He is with me and beside me. God, I thank you so much for your love. I honestly can't believe that the school year is almost done and that you brought me through the year. sometimes i wonder if the ashes from this year can be made into something beautiful; but God, I know that you are able. I don't know what you plan on showing/teaching me at the YWAM Kona base this summer, but I pray that you would show me more of your heart for others. I give myself to you.

out of the depths incense will rise.

when one of the girls in my small group said something along the lines of "being in this small group was good for me because i learned that my family isn't the only one that is dysfunctional at Wheaton" I couldn't help but become saddened by her comment.

As much as I'm grateful to have been in a place where i could understand her pain, a part of me ached at the fact that my family is indeed very much broken. So much of the pain of this semester has been rooted in just that and it's been to an overwhelmingly degree that I've been affected by the broken relationships in my family.

I guess this is where you step in, God. i pray that you would feel this vast void that i feel inside me. i pray that you would meet me where i'm at right now.

Jesus, I trust You. 

observation #1: i took Old Testament with Dr. Lane last spring semester and am currently taking New Testament with Dr. Vlachos. if you knew these professors and had a chance to sit in their classes, i think you would agree with me that Dr. Lane and Dr. Vlachos personify the Old Testament and New Testament, respectively. You experience God's love and grace in both classes, but differently.

taking it further, God's love is like a brilliant multi-faceted diamond. there are so many facets to God's love and you can't help but feel overwhelmingly caught off guard in being able to experience it in different seasons and contexts but in the end, those different aspects of His love run deeply in His consistent character. His love never changes, and you and i are recipients of that love. 

anyways, looks like i'll be TAing for Dr. Vlachos next year. He sent out an email and i ended up responding kind of on a whim. actually, i've had this desire to continue being discipled by him after the course ends and i feel like being his TA will provide that opportunity. when i met with him yesterday, he mentioned that other people responded to his offer but that he chose me instead. i plan on writing down my conversations and interactions with him next year so i hope, dear reader, that you are as blessed as i am by this unconventional follower of Christ.

Some interesting facts about Dr. Vlachos:
-He is Greek
-His father was part of the Chicago syndicate & knew Al Capone back in the day
-He was called to be a missionary to the Mormons in Utah and was a pastor at Calvary Church
-From what i can gather from his stories, he got into a lot of fist fights with kids when he was a teenager
-He was very anti-Christian & used to scribble out 'Jesus' and write-in 'Caesar' in various Bibles (whenever his friend brought him to church)
-He couldn't kick the habit of smoking an occasional joint now and again (while he was a Christian) until God did a bit of disciplining (otherwise known as 'The Titanic Story')
-While he was in Utah, he volunteered at the Utah State Penitentiary and ministered to the prisoners there. One time, he went down to the part of the penitentiary reserved for the mentally insane and asked the guard to open up one of the inmate's cell. The man in the cell was naked and human excrement was strewn along the walls of the cell and it was here that Dr. Vlachos talked to him about Jesus and was simply a friend to him. A couple of weeks later, Dr. Vlachos returned to a cell that had been cleaned up and to a man who was dressed in clothes. Later, this guy even stayed at Dr. Vlachos' house when he was released from the penitentiary.

So interesting might be an understatement haha.

read:
-C.S. Lewis' Space Trilogy
-All books by W.G. Sebald
-That Kate Chopin book that Abby recommended to me

watch:
-Reruns of 24
-More reruns of Seinfeld

sleep:
-In? Probably not, i'm too fond of my mornings.

4 more weeks. :)

also - i'm trying to counter my recent emotional/semi-angsty posts with lightheartedness in the form of lists and whatnot.  :)

p.s. hi johana. feel free to leave a comment or say 'hi'.

Lesson #1

Imagine a submarine radar with God at the center and all of us humans oriented around him. Each person is a prick of light, and some are closer than others. During my time in Europe, God began easing the burden of "evangelism" and the pressure of converting someone on the spot and instead began showing me His love for that someone. My job, then, was to simply allow God to use me to further convey his love to that person and draw that prick of light on the map closer to him. It's heartening to know that we are never off the map, and that in our walk with Christ, we can only move closer to Him.

You stood before my failureCarried the Cross for my shameMy sin weighed upon Your shouldersMy soul now to stand
So what can I say?What can I do?But offer this heart O GodCompletely to You
So I'll walk upon salvationYour Spirit alive in meThis life to declare Your promiseMy soul now to stand

amsterdam

i long for,

the inhalations and exhalations of a thing that has already pervaded, infiltrated, 

seeped into my body. 

there are, 

caverns within me that can't possibly hold 

Your caresses and open glances.

this is,

a remembrance of things past - of which echoes continue to reverberate.

"I want to know Christ and experience the mighty power that raised him from the dead. I want to suffer with him, sharing in his death, so that one way or another I will experience the resurrection from the dead." -philippians 3:10-11

i long to be closer to you - to press into your presence and know you more deeply. God, it's hard. it's hard. i know you're beside me, but my heart aches and hurts and falters. i feel like i'm at the bursting point - God hold onto me. i yearn for you and desire with all of my heart to glorify you. to seek you out when i find myself in the deepest of deeps. to seek you out right now. God, my heart aches so much and i feel so broken. i need your grace and mercy to wash over me - so that your name would be glorified.

i sat across from the counselor and turned her question over in my head. Think of two boxers in a ring. Who or what are you fighting with? 

These past seven months have been exhausting because I've been fighting with myself - the old me, the "orphan" me who feels alone & rejected vs. the me who has been redeemed and bought by Christ.

"When I was a child, i spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when i grew up, i put away childish things. Now we see things imperfectly as in a cloudy mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely."

-1 Corinthians 13:11-12

-couldn't stop crying in chapel today (it's ok if my chapel buddies think i'm slightly off my rocker).
just when i think i understand a little bit more of what Jesus did on the cross, the Holy Spirit pounds me with greater understanding & i am left shaken. as i sat there, i understood a little bit of what Jesus must have felt when He was separated from the Father. Jesus died on the cross so that we could once again have a restored relationship with God. My relationship with God is restored, but what about my relationship with my dad? i called him last night, & the old feelings of abandonment and rejection made deeper wounds in my heart. no, i won't be going to los angeles this summer & at this point, i don't know when we'll talk again. i wish i understood my dad better. Jesus, I forgive him. Let your will be done in my relationship with my dad. Let your will be done this summer.

-there's a chance that I might be going to India to intern for EHA - Emmanuel Hospital Association. i would be shadowing a physician and at the same time be exposed to church planting and evangelism. i emailed one of the doctors in the association (on the fly) & he replied back a lot sooner than i expected, a couple of hours later actually. i'm in the middle of praying about it right now, but i feel like God keeps putting it on my heart. i don't really want to go to India - it's waaaaaay too hot for me, as well as spiritually intense, but i think there's a reason why it's been on my heart. more on this later.

Faith is saying "thank you" to the gift of salvation lavished upon us by God.
-Chris Vlachos (my New Testament professor)

Koinonia Farm, Georgia

these days:
i felt His love working in the vineyards at Koinonia Farm during Spring Break. and as i pruned grape vines, God reminded me of all of His promises. it felt good to feel the sun on my face & allow Him to crack through the layers and layers of frozen soil in my heart. one afternoon, as my team and i were driving along, it started to rain. this song (see below) came on and as i sat there living in that moment, i felt God's presence & his love. a single thought resounded in my head: God's love is bigger. in my heart, i will declare of His goodness & faithfulness. living with my problems and brokenness is nothing if it means that I can experience more of God's love; I don't say this lightly, but rather sincerely and from the heart. during my time at Koinonia Farm I was able to tell my friend a little bit of what was going on in my life and this past monday, she walked with me to the counseling center to make an appointment with one of the counselors. Abba, walk with me.

sinking to places where no one can meet me except God.
excuse my inability to function.

find me in the deepest of deeps, and restore me.
it's right now that you are YHWH, my Savior.

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

I will call upon Your Name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine

The Sea of Galilee

After breakfast Jesus asked Simon Peter, "Simon son of John, do you love me more than these?"
"Yes, Lord," Peter replied, "you know I love you."
"Then feed my lambs," Jesus told him.
Jesus repeated the question: "Simon son of John, do you love me?"
"Yes, Lord," Peter said, "you know I love you."
"Then take care of my sheep," Jesus said.
A third time he asked me, "Simon son of John, do you love me?"
Peter was hurt that Jesus asked the question a third time. He said, "Lord, you know everything. You know that I love you."
Jesus said, "Then feed my sheep."

I wonder how Peter must have felt when after having denied Jesus three times, he was asked this question by Jesus. He must have been guilt-ridden and filled with shame - to the point where he wept bitterly. But the question Jesus asks Peter isn't one filled with reproach, it assumes that God's love for Peter is already established and remains unwavering even in the midst of Peter's inconsistency. The ball's in Peter's court. Peter, do you love me?

Jesus take me to the Sea of Galilee and ask me what you asked Peter. In the midst of my inconsistency and self-condemnation and guilt and shame, i want to respond with these words: Jesus, oh Jesus, I love you. This is the cry of my heart, to love you more and more.

I'm thankful that in my heart, I can say that I know and have a relationship with my Creator and Savior.

I'm thankful that He is holding onto me, even though I can hardly get a grip on myself.

I'm thankful that God plans to use this season of my life.

I'm thankful that God loves me.

I'm thankful that I have the affections of Jesus, and that is enough. 

I'm thankful that I've been talking to my sister more and that she's been contacting me more.

I'm thankful that I'm going to the South this Spring Break to serve at Koinonia Farms for a week.

I'm thankful that I can worship God even when I feel like I'm sinking.

I'm thankful that God is with me, right here, right now.

I'm thankful that the Holy Spirit rests on me and dwells within me.

I'm thankful that Kailey is going to be a blessing to the freshman and sophomore girls next year as RA on 3east.

I'm thankful that I have my mom.

I'm thankful that she knows my heart so well and that our relationship glorifies God.

I'm thankful for her prayers.

I'm thankful for her servanthood.

I'm thankful that her heart reflects God's heart.

I'm thankful that the girls on my floor bought me a ticket to the President's Ball, even though I profusely told them that I really didn't mind not going.

I'm thankful for my church here in Illinois.

I'm thankful that I my brothers and sisters on this campus refresh me and encourage me.

I'm thankful that my experience in Amsterdam planted seeds in my heart.

I'm thankful that God is so good.

I'm thankful that He is so good.

I'm thankful that God is going to use me and that He is going to show me more of His heart.

I'm thankful that Satan is already defeated.

I'm thankful that God's Kingdom is already here among believers, and that Heaven on earth will be completely established upon Jesus' second coming.

I'm thankful for the girls on my floor, that we can be honest in our struggles.

I'm thankful for Eric and Danielle, one who is a graduate student and the other who recently finished her undergrad here.

I'm thankful for my professors, who love God.

I'm thankful for Hea Bin jdsn, and the community at La Sarang Church.

I'm thankful that I got to grow closer with my sister during Christmas break.

I'm thankful that my salvation isn't dependent on works.

I'm thankful that God is merciful and compassionate.

I'm thankful for Abby, a dear friend and a person who is so close to my heart.

I'm thankful for the Shelter ministry and the people who make that ministry possible.

I'm thankful that I was able to go to Emmaus last week, a ministry that prays for/fellowships with the men prostitutes in downtown Chicago.

I'm thankful that I'm going to be Joanne's RA reserve next year.

I'm thankful that God is so good to me.

I'm thankful for the prayer chapel in the Billy Graham museum.

I'm thankful for Kailey, who I am daily blessed by.

I'm thankful that God calls me to follow him and that he beckons me. 

I'm thankful for seasons of hardship and seasons of joy.

I'm thankful that God wants to have a deeper relationship with Him.

I'm thankful that this list is helping me, even right now.

I'm thankful that there is SO MUCH to be thankful about.

I'm thankful for God's Word.

I'm thankful that Satan hates gratitude (ha! take that, Satan).

I'm thankful that I'm really clueless about my future and that that is ok. God knows.

I'm thankful that God has guided me through my classes and that He is the One who allows my brain to understand chemistry.

I'm thankful that I like chemistry.

I'm thankful that God is with whoever is reading this right now and that He loves you very very much (I know that at least two people have read my blog.. Grace Kang and David Chung. ha ha).

I'm thankful for Dr. Vlachos and how boss he is (he's my new testament professor).

I'm thankful for all of his mind-blowing stories and his various testimonies.

I'm thankful for you God -- thank you for accepting my love.

I'm thankful for old friends, and new friends.

I'm thankful that Jesus shows us how to live.

I'm thankful that He is truly the perfect example.

I'm thankful that Christ submitted to the will of the Father.

I'm thankful that there are times in my life when I have to ask myself who I think Christ is.

I'm thankful that there is no condemnation.

I'm thankful that whenever I fall, that there is no self-condemnation.

I'm thankful that I've been falling a lot, that it turns me to God and reminds me of the Gospel.

I'm thankful that God's grace is bigger than my sin.

I'm thankful for my brokenness.

I'm thankful that I can stand on the cross and the redeeming love of Christ.

I'm thankful that God is victorious over death.

I'm thankful that I can call myself a heir of Christ.

I'm thankful that I am God's child.

I'm thankful that I have experienced God and will continue experiencing Him for the rest of my life.

I'm thankful that I can pray while I run.

I'm thankful that He has freed me and that I can worship Him in freedom.

I'm thankful that God's love is as vast as it is wide.

I'm thankful that Spring is almost hear.

I'm thankful that there is joy in the morning, even though there may be weeping at night.

I'm thankful that I am materially blessed.

I'm thankful that I have homework I need to start doing.

I'm thankful that I'm not alone, and that God is with me.

I'm thankful for the body of Christ.

I'm thankful that God is good, all the time.

God, i love you and desire to be a woman after your heart. Help me to seek you out even when i don't see you working and don't feel your presence. I approach your throne-room as a sinner, broken completely.When the darkness closes in on me, I pray that I would know in my heart your love for me.

My name is Grace, and God sent His one and only Son to die on the cross for me. It's because of the Father's love that I am crushed, but not destroyed. My sin has no hold over me, and death has no power.

sometimes when you're naval-gazing and feeling angsty, you just have to go do emmaus/serve in downtown chicago and do some late-night dumpster diving at trader joes. it's feels pretty liberating.

pillar of salt

i think ... i understand what lot's wife felt as she left the city of Sodom and Gomorrah. the sin that she had been living in was a source of familiarity to her. she grew complacent in an environment thriving in wickedness and yes, she let it seep through the cracks in her heart. and even though the Lord promised a far better future for her and Lot, she couldn't just stretch her faith and allow the Lord to save her. she looked back. or maybe she doubted that the Lord would do good on his promise? I don't know. i pity her and my heart grows sad because these days, i see so much of myself in this story. i catch myself glancing backwards and failing to trust that the Lord took me out of my old habits and is taking me somewhere new. honestly, most of the time i feel lost. i need the Lord to prove his faithfulness to me ... even though i wander.

hope in the Lord

Dear grace, others might not see it or be aware of it, but i know and understand the depth of the hopelessness and despair that ballooned larger and larger inside you over the course of these past five months. nothing tragic happened, but you carried an ache in your heart. i was with you. i'm with you now.

God, you didn't take these experiences and feelings away but instead allowed these things to happen. perhaps you allowed me to go through this season in order to stretch me so that i would have a greater capacity for joy. i hope that at the end of all of this, i can admit that i was surprised by joy and that i have a greater compassion for other people. i would like your joy..! thank you for being so good to me. You are always good to me (even if i tend to forget sometimes)! 

something to remember: everyone feels like everyone else, just not at the same time.

i sat in the cold car relieving my eyes of tears and releasing one sob after another. thank you for convicting me Holy Spirit. i wrote a little about this yesterday, but only today did i realize with my heart that i'm guilty of turning God's grace into cheap grace. father, after everything i've experienced, after having experienced first-hand your work on the cross, i've failed to produce abundant fruit. my love for others has shriveled because i've slipped into this orphan mentality that always seems to crouch at the door. i feel abandoned by others, therefore i don't have any love to muster up and give to the people around me. this is so wrong. when did my relationship with others become defined by transactions of give-and-take? God, i fail horribly at reflecting your love and grace to others. i can only come before you in this state of brokenness and ask that you would continue to work in me. help me to be a better witness of your love. father, forgive me, a sinner.

for me, salt lake city is cultivating ground. whenever i come home, i see all the ways i haven't changed. every year i come home, it's eye-opening and i realize just how easily i succumb to my old self. i need God to continue to change me, and i understand that that takes time. one thing that struck me as i was talking to my mom yesterday was my selfish expectations of the people around me. i want to receive more than i give, and the Lord has been convicting me of my tendency to hoard the abundant grace that he has poured out on me. I want this year to be a year where i can brush aside my own expectations and be the one to first pour out into others - because the Lord has blessed me so much with his grace. God, i'm sorry that i'm a poor steward of relationships especially. you've blessed me with people who have supported and challenged me and i've failed to do the same. i'm a recipient of your profound grace, but have failed to be a carrier of that same grace. change my heart so that i can reflect you in my words and actions towards others.

january second.

Today, I stopped by Weller Book Works, a local bookstore stocked with both rare and used books. With the help of the owner and his wife, I was able to leave with my arms filled with well-perused novels such as Shogun, Madame Bovary, The Foreign Student, The Ladies of Grace Adieu, & The Name of the Rose - a smattering of both classic and contemporary. Can't say my cravings for a good read have been satiated just yet but hopefully I'll get my fill before i go back to school. Currently reading This Side of Paradise and I definitely appreciate it more than The Great Gatsby. Oh, also, my friend recommended A Vocation and a Voice by Kate Chopin and The Napoleon of Notting Hill by G.K. Chesterton. Making a mental note .. right now to get to those novels hopefully sooner rather than later. I decided to stop reading Anna Karenina, and Abby helped me get over what little feelings of guilt i had for not finishing it by suggesting that there are certain times and places for reading certain books. I guess right now, Anna Karenina will have to wait. I'll come back to it. I don't think I'll make a dent in all that I wish to read right now, but these books can easily segue into summer break - of which plans are looking quite nebulous right now. Anyways, I found additional fuel as to why I want to study abroad in Europe. Fabulous libraries. Some of which include:

 The University of Coimbra General Library, Coimbra, Portugal

 Beinecke Rare Book and Manuscript Library, Yale University, New Haven, CT

The Trinity College Library, aka “The Long Room,” Dublin, Ireland

Ok, so the second one is in Yale University. I still drool. Hmm. What else to say. Oh! I made dinner for my mom for the first time today. Making another mental note to eat this dish frequently. I tossed it together from things we had lying around - wish I had taken a picture of it but not really because food is meant to be eaten and not looked at (I still don't understand why people post pictures of what they eat on Facebook. no one cares). Ingredients include: olive oil, hazelnuts, asparagus, soba noodles, green salad, and avocados. I first lightly sautéed the asparagus and hazelnuts together in olive oil. The noodles were then prepared and drained and placed on top of the salad. I added the asparagus and hazelnuts and cut up an avocado to add. Mixed it all with a spoonful of sesame oil and soy sauce. It was so easy and my mom and i really enjoyed it. 

On another note, I've been getting into my Living Life devotional. I'm reading Genesis right now, and i'm thankful for yesterday and today's QT. I forget how good sitting down and doing QT is. Water for my soul. Much needed. In today's quiet time, this quotation really struck my heart: 

"The whole difference between construction & creation is exactly this: that a thing constructed can only be loved after it is constructed; but a thing created is loved before it exists" -Charles Dickens