Spiritual Dementia and I

 I, like you, struggle with something that I like to call spiritual dementia. It's persistent, my natural inclination, and it takes intentionality to combat. I constantly forget God's goodness and heart of compassion and mercy towards me, even though he has historically never failed me. Sure, some seasons we are aware of God's goodness and then there are others where it is hard to remember that same goodness - our faith ebbs and flows. My prayer for myself as I jumpstart my 29th year is to ground my faith not in the season that I find myself in, but in the God whose promises are unshakeable. 

This year has presented a lot of question marks, some of which fell under the following categories:

-Relational
-Basic car/house/career changes 

In each of these categories, God did not fail to meet me in ways that were both healing and specific to my needs, wants, and desires. Even as I felt like a mini-version of myself was shaken up in a snow globe with my face plastered against the top of the said globe, things started to slowly fall back down and into place. In each arena of my life, God's sovereignty was and is clear, and I had/have only to give myself up to the process of trusting in him (I use both past and present tense because it's an ongoing process).

I turned 29 a few days ago and my birthday happened to also be my first day of orientation as an ambulatory nurse. To be completely honest, I fell asleep and woke up to overwhelming fear and anxiety and even found myself thinking that I didn't want to go into work and furthermore wanted to cancel all birthday celebrations that evening. I'm glad I didn't, because the Lord met me in such unique ways that day. He moved through a fellow nurse who also started the same day as I did - she surprised me with a birthday card before I felt work for the day. He moved through community and was present in my time with Sarah over dinner and later in the evening when I met up with a group of friends for cocktails. He is continuing to meet me and surprise me, even as I continue to orient in my new role on the neuromovement disorders clinic. I'm thankful that my officemate/fellow RN colleague seems to be a really amazing human being (she's the one who surprised me with a birthday card on the first day we met), for the rest of my colleagues on the care team who seem accessible, passionate about the work they do, and just human in their connectivity and whimsicality. I'm thankful for a really supportive RN manager, for an easy commute to work, for the perks that come with working on an ambulatory clinic (normal work hours, free coffee in the break-room, AC during these hot hot summer days, etc.). I'm thankful that I feel stimulated and excited to really get my feet wet in a subspecialty, specifically neurology and neuro-movement disorders, and learn from colleagues who are some of the best in their field. 

In all of this, I'm reminded that God knows what is best for me and that it's good to not be in control. I'm reminded that I must intentionally remind myself (and allow my community to remind me as well) that the Lord will never fail me and that his small and big promises are not contingent on my faithfulness, but his. 

Reminders for Myself Part II

 5. There is beauty in knowing your limits - your limits remind you that you are not God and that you were created to fully depend on the Lord.

6. The restlessness and anxiety that you experience time and time again are opportunities to turn to the Lord - he alone can fill you and satisfy you. Indeed, you are blessed in that you can turn to him during highs, lows, exciting moments, mundane moments, seasons of clarity, seasons of confusion, and with all the joys and sorrows interspersed throughout your lived experience. He is with you, and it is an honor to live fully aware of this.

7. The Giver of good gifts is to be treasured far more deeply than what you can simply get from him. He is no gumball machine - he is God, worthy of devotion and adoration. 

8. Continue to lean into community; continue to bring your whole self (the beautiful and the ugly) into these spaces. 

During my run, I noticed a woman that was swaying and lurching to and fro on the corner of Ogden and Albany - I went over to her to see if she was okay and realized pretty quickly that she was not okay. She had no control over her movements, was unable to respond to my questions, and was in a state of altered consciousness. Indeed, she kept falling down headfirst and at first, I thought she was having a seizure. I ran over to a car that was stopped at a red light and urgently motioned for the man behind the wheel to roll down the window. I shouted at him and told him to call 911 - he quickly handed me his phone and I dialed 911 and requested an ambulance. Thankfully, the man turned off his car and came outside to help me steady the woman (at this point, she kept falling down and I was seriously concerned that she was going to have a head injury). Can I just say, trying to steady a 7 foot woman twice my size was not an easy thing and we stood there trying to hold her as she simultaneously gripped unto a metal pole and gripped unto us. It was quite the scene. After like five minutes or so of trying to keep her from falling headfirst unto the pavement, a fire truck came and the first responders immediately articulated that she was high on PCP. She was rushed to a hospital, and I was left feeling sad and heavyhearted. What happened to this woman that got her to this point in her life? I do not know, and I can only imagine the compounded factors of systemic racism and trauma at play.

 I spent the rest of the afternoon praying for her, and reaching out to various people and asking them to pray for this woman. All this to say, I'm glad that I did something and didn't just pass her by. I pray that her care team at the hospital would see her as a human and not just another patient. I pray that they would see her with the Lord's eyes and would provide her with excellent care. I pray that the Lord would meet her and that she would experience deep healing that touches all aspects of her being - mind, body, soul. Lord, I pray that you would pour out your love on this person. 

The Kid You'll Never Be

The ground no longer reverberates 
with the steps you take, dodging in and out 
gleeful in your silliness 
childlike in the way you douse flowers and 
brothers with water from the hose 

blessed are you, child 
in the punches you throw -
not in the streets but in the ring.

your exuberant laughter is a thing 
to be missed, leaving cavernous 

spaces felt by your community -
we grieve the kid you'll never be 

-this poem was written in memory of Ja'lon James, an 11-year old who was killed in a hit-and-run on 6/16/22. I grieve the reality that black and brown kids do not have the privilege of living as kids unencumbered by trauma and death. I am committed to investing in the neighborhood I live in and the ultimate thriving of the next generation. 

When Your Therapist Starts to Cry

 I had an interesting therapy session yesterday afternoon - halfway through my session with my therapist we somehow got on the topic of gun laws and the recent shootings that have been prevalent across the nation. My therapist was in the middle of recommending a short animated film covering this topic and abruptly paused and burst into tears. Startled, I quickly came to attention and after a few moments passed, she openly shared that her best friend has passed away the night before. Did I come to my therapy session expecting this particular interaction with my therapist? Not necessarily. But something in my heart felt something for her and I paused and asked her if I could pray for her (we quickly realized right from the beginning of our relationship that we are both Christ followers). She quickly said that she would love prayer and so that's what we did. It was a moment when our established hierarchical relationship as therapist/client was leveled out. From one human to another hurting human, I saw it as an opportunity to extend kindness and invite the Lord into a heavy situation. I could tell she was truly grateful, and honestly I was and am as well for what occurred between us. 

As I continue to live this life, I realize that my healing is tied to the healing of others. As much as healing occurs vertically (the Lord encountering me & providing healing experiences), there is something to be said about our interconnectedness as humans, and the bidirectional healing that occurs when we extend forms of healing to others. 

A Table in the Wilderness

What a whirlwind life has been these past few weeks, especially these past 10 days or so. I flew out to Salt Lake City late Thursday night, bought my car with the help of a childhood friend, and drove it back to Chicago with my mom. We divided the trip into three 8-hour parts: on Saturday we drove to Denver and stayed with Alison. The next day, my mom and I started the drive the Omaha, Nebraska and stayed the night there and then finally completed the journey from Omaha to Chicago today. To be honest, life has been a blur but I feel like I've had moments throughout where I've been able to sit and process a bit, namely during the insanely boring drive through most of Nebraska. I read my daily scripture readings out loud to my mom this morning during our drive and one passage struck me. Psalm 78 is a lengthy psalm and I'm glad I was reading it out loud because it prevented me from simply glossing over it. The psalm highlights the faithfulness of God despite the fickleness of humankind and verse 19 states "Can God provide a table in the wilderness?" The imagery of a table conjures up a feast, provision, and celebration and stands in stark juxtaposition against an environment that has negative connotations of loneliness, neediness, desolation, and hardship. The thing is, we've all found ourselves in the wilderness. Such is the way of life, and no one is exempt from experiencing the wilderness or dark night of the soul. 

This verse struck me because I was reminded that God has time and time again provided a table during wilderness seasons. He did it in the past, and he did it again this season of confusion and disorientation. For me, the table represents communion with the Lord and I found myself being reassured of his humble  presence. Indeed, I was provided an opportunity to feast at the table in the wilderness, and in doing so, got to experience the goodness of the Lord that has left me marveling and in awe. 

There will be more seasons where I will find myself traversing the arid desert, to do so alone is unfathomable to me and quite honestly, the thought of doing so makes me fearful. I don't want to journey solo during hard seasons, and I want to live life in a way that welcomes the Lord into the great expanse that makes up my existence here on earth. The presence of someone far greater, far supreme than life's joys and woes... this is what I desire.

You Give and give and give

This week has been one of surprises and just when I thought that I had hit the maximum number of surprises that I can process, the Lord kept piling more on me. And, well, I guess it's left me feeling a bit stunned. To provide a bit of context, last week when I was out with COVID, I received an unexpected text from Shayna inquiring about my housing situation. In the text, she briefly mentioned that she was thinking about getting a roommate, and that I had been on her mind. I finally ended up going over to her place a few days ago on Tuesday - prior to driving over I hopped on a phone call with my spiritual mentor, Teretha. I expressed the heaviness of uncertainty that I was still carrying regarding my housing situation and in that phone call, Teretha just redirected me to trust the Lord and worship him whenever I found doubts creeping in. And we did just that - Teretha and I worshipped the Lord during that call and asked the Lord to replace my fear with certainty of his character and his provision. Shortly after finishing the call with Teretha, I jumped into the car and made my way over to Shayna's house in East Garfield Park and can I just say, the Lord blew my socks off.

During my conversation with Shayna, she filled me in on why she had reached out to me regarding potentially living together - she had been praying for a while now for a roommate but was unsure of who to ask. She knew that she desired someone who was from the Westside or wasn't weirded out by moving to the Westside. When she saw my text to the prayer group requesting prayer over my housing situation, she took some time to pray about it and talk to some other people at church about it (Ruth & CC) and proceeded to reach out to me. I sat there stunned, and realized that my laundry list of wants/needs/desires was being met by the Lord. Not only had I prayed to the Lord that he would provide housing on the Westside, but a place close to Rush Hospital, close to Lawndale Christian Fitness Center, and not too far away from church. Additionally, I had prayed that he would provide an awesome roommate, and an already furnished living space. Oh, and nearby parks for me to run in. Not only did the Lord answer all of these things, but Shayna's place is on a street that has free parking and a track at the end of the cul-de-sac, including proximity to two huge parks (East Garfield Park and Humboldt Park)! I sat there, and kept hearing the Lord saying "Grace, not only can I answer every single item on your laundry list but I'm working in ways that you can't even see". I felt so known and seen by the Lord, and am just super thankful for the opportunity to live with a phenomenal woman who loves the Lord. I just felt so much peace and assurance that this is the next season for me - to be honest, saying goodbye to the house I'm currently in / North Lawndale will be hard but I sense that it's time for me to move on. 

So that happened Tuesday night and then on Wednesday morning, I got a text that the car I have been waiting for finally arrived at the SLC Toyota dealership. I'll be flying out next Thursday and my mom and I will drive it back to Chicago (with pitstops to see Alison in Denver along the way). And then just today, I got a phone call from the neurological sciences department at Rush requesting an interview with me (I started to apply for RUMC ambulatory RN positions while I was on medical furlough recovering from Covid). Like talk about everything happening all at once ha ha. Regarding the interview, I think it's making me hit pause and really assess if I want to step back and switch up my role for a season. Like I know that my heart lies in the community but I just desire to take a break and expand my clinical skills. More on this later. 

Anyways, I'm just so grateful to the Lord and for the community that he has placed me in here in Chicago. I'm thankful for the Lord's provision and for friends that are willing to come alongside me and journey with me. I'm thankful that I can continue to live on the Westside and I'm curious to see how the Lord will continue to expand my heart for this community.

Also, the Lord also showed up this afternoon. I went to the fitness center to work out and realized at the end that I had locked myself out of my car. Indeed, my keys were sitting on the seat in my car. I ended up running into one of the EOC guys (Derek) and he proceeded to take out his walkie talkie and page Cliff, another EOC guy. Derek was like "Hey, Cliff, there's a slim Jim here in need of our help." He turned to me, told me to wait a moment, and then proceeded to come back with Cliff with a red bag. I was like what the heck is that and basically they brought all the items needed to jimmy my car open lol. The entire time Cliff and Derek were so nice and helpful and making jokes about how they used to steal cars before Christ met them LOL. Overall, a great time. I told them I would bring them ice cream (butterscotch, in fact) tomorrow after work. Dang. It's moments like this that make me so thankful to live here in North Lawndale. 

Also, one final note. On a whim, I made a Coffee Meets Bagel account a few days ago and responded to a guy's like - we ended up matching and so far, the conversation has been good. Actually, he asked me out this weekend so I guess I'm going on a date !? More on this later.

In Sickness / In Health

 Just when life couldn't get any more exciting, I woke up last Monday short of breath. My symptoms lasted the entire day and the following as well; still, my PCR test and rapid tests kept coming back negative and I went back to work on Thursday and Friday. Things took a turn, however, when I woke up Saturday morning with a notification from the hospital saying that the second PCR test that I took the previous day came out positive. I stayed home the entire weekend, read a few books, watched many, many episodes of Ted Lasso. Tuned into church via the YouTube livestream, baked some cookies and saw other friends who happened to also have COVID. Thankfully, my positive PCR qualified me for medical furlough so I've spent this past M/T/W at home putzing around being bored and contemplative. I spent some time poring over 'The Atlas of the Heart' by Brene Brown and realized that perhaps this time of living with COVID has been an unlikely godsend; indeed, it has been a time to just be and recover from the previous weeks of feeling extremely overwhelmed by life's curveballs. Additionally, I somehow got connected with a therapist (it's interesting that sometimes things can move so organically and so fast and feel so easy), and actually was able to see her this afternoon. We instantaneously clicked, and I'm excited to restart a season of therapy and continue to work on myself. 

In all of this, I realize that life can easily take away, and just as easily give. And that in all of it - in all of the ebbs and flows -  God alone is the consistent, constant rock. God alone is worthy of the weeping and he alone is worthy of the moments of exultation. So, God, if you're out there watching me type these words... know that I'm out here, worshipping in the desert. 

Reminders for Myself

 So this year has been pretty rough - one thing after another has caused me to loosen my grip on things that I naturally find security in. But the year is not over, and I want to list out some reminders for myself:

1. Approach the future with curiosity. Grace, even though you've experienced a lot of curveballs (relationships with various people, car situation, work/home situation, etc.), the changes have the potential to change your life for the better. Be hopeful. Trust in the God who has always, without question, provided for you.

2. Go back to being your own cheerleader. Make space for encouragement and combat the lies that you wrestle with with the truth of what God says about you. You are worthy. You are loved. 

3. Continue pursuing and loving others instead of retreating into yourself. There is freedom in the vulnerability and beauty in opening yourself up to others. You don't need to hide. 

4. Be open to going through different seasons with different people. Friendships will change and it's ok to adapt to the season as necessary. You can observe changes in friendship without judgment and simply let the relationship be. You alone have the power to let go of the expectations that you hold over yourself and over others. 

The year is not over - I approach the next half of 2022 with open palms. 

The gap between knowing that God will provide and trusting him in this moment is pretty wide. Truthfully, I am anxious and feel overwhelmed and for the most part, feel like I'm walking around with a grey cloud hovering above me. Dang. I'm in a season where I feel like the many things I put my confidence in are being stripped away, whether it be relationships, job, or housing situation. In all of these things, I feel small and not in control. It's uncomfortable, to say the least.

I confess my inability to fully trust the Lord, despite his track record of faithfulness and abundant love and provision. I confess my fear and doubts. I confess my selfishness, and tendency to be egocentric and prioritize my needs and wants above others. 

So, I pray over myself and ask the Lord to meet me in my anxiety and neediness. And I ask for his graciousness to be evident in my life. And I ask that that he would surprise me, and that he would remind me that I am his beloved daughter and that it is his delight to meet me in my needs/wants. 

The Day of Redirection

 Yesterday was an interesting Monday. I started my day off by meeting with my team manager, Maggie, in our office at Rush. She opened the conversation by asking me how I was doing, and I told her that I was feeling pretty burnt out and that I no longer was experiencing sparks of joy when coming to work. Managing and overseeing pop-up vaccine and PCR testing events in various spaces and settings is exhausting work and I have been doing the same thing for almost 20 months now. I asked Maggie what our team's new contract with the city looked like moving forward, and she replied by saying that there is always going to be pandemic-related services that we are going to offer to the community. The only change is that we will be taking on more infection-related services (one of those involving testing for MDROs in the community i.e. axilla/groin/rectal swabs SAY WHAT). She honestly told me that the new contract was "not sexy" (she kept saying this phrase haha), and that there wasn't much room for professional growth. 

There are times when we experience moments of direction and clarity and in that moment, I sat in front of Maggie and realized deep within myself that my time with the mobile team was coming to a close. My gut reaction as she was speaking was that I did not want to continue being in the role that I am currently in and that it was time to move on to different opportunities. It was super interesting because I walked out of that conversation different than how I entered it: an internal shift occurred, resolute in purpose and a catalysis for change. 

So. That was my Monday morning, but let me share a little bit of what happened that evening. During the weekend, Liz (my housemate of 5 years who became my landlord as of last year) texted me asking if we could talk when she returned from her trip. She got back yesterday afternoon and we talked last night. Liz opened the conversation by saying that the house was moving into a new season (what with Ambria moving out in July to be closer to her current boyfriend and Mel also leaving), and that she thought it would be best for the upcoming season and our relationship if I also moved out around the same time. I sat there stunned into silence, absorbing everything she was telling me. She went on to say that she had been thinking and praying about this upcoming season for a while, and wanted to tell me sooner rather than later because May and June are typically when leases start. I responded in frustration, saying that May was technically next week and that I had not anticipated moving at all this year, given my car situation and work situation.

In all of this, I felt shocked, frustrated, angry, overwhelmed and confused. Why did she wait so long to tell me? And why did she assume that she knows what is best for me? She asked to pray for me at the end of our convo, to which I angrily declined and asked if she had anything else she wanted to say to me. I then proceeded to go upstairs and cry in my room and have my moment. I then reached out to my community and ended up talking and praying with Sarah. Another unexpected shift. I am still processing what this season will look like as I quite possibly say goodbye to living in North Lawndale for 7 years and this house for 5. I am mourning the loss of what I currently know, and am sad that my conversation with Liz was so rough around the edges. 

What sticks out to me is the moment when I weep prayed with Sarah last night. Sarah prayed that I would be able to worship God in this moment of unknown and it struck a chord within me. To worship God in this moment of unknown. This is an opportunity to trust God and to worship him, even as I feel like the rug is being pulled out from underneath me. And so I give myself the space and gift to feel the emotions I am feeling but I also realize that I don't have to be stuck in these emotions but invite curiosity at what the Lord is doing and where he plans to take me next.

Thankful List

 -I'm running the NYC Marathon in November and signed up to run with World Vision last night 

-Sponsoring Ansera, this cute little kiddo who lives in Ethiopia 

-Slow mornings where I can take some extra time to be still before the Lord 

-6-mile run before work 

-Prayer calls w Teretha and company 

-Warmer weather / iced coffee 

Humble Musings

I sense a uniqueness to this season that is marking me in new ways and I want to hit pause for a moment. Indeed, what is different about this season is that I have been carving out some time each morning to read the Bible. A counterweight to the heavier moments of these past few months has been the truth outlined in scripture. Interestingly, the moments when I'm actually reading the Bible aren't marked by intense emotional revelation. The act of reading scripture is kinda mundane, actually. I turn off whatever background acoustic worship music I have on and just start reading. I then text Sarah my thoughts on the passage I just looked at and then send her another text that is a prayer. She responds and does the same and I respond with an 'amen' or a comment or two. It's all pretty low-key and yet, consistent/constant exposure to the Bible is doing something within me that is very much countercultural. Instant gratification is delayed and something richer and mysterious is being gifted to me. I am learning more about God and my emotional and subjective experiences are being grounded on objective truths. And ultimately, when my emotions cause me to think twice about who God is and cause me to doubt his goodness, I am able to turn to scripture and submit my emotions to the authority of what the Word says about the Lord. 

In all of this, I am reminded that I am just skimming the surface of who God is and how he wants humankind to experience his love. In a day and age that is so saturated with so many imitations of god and objects of affection, it is easy to settle and ignore the deeper whisper that there must be something else, something more. I do not want my heart to be captivated by anything other than what will fully satisfy my heart, spirit, and soul. I guess my prayer for myself is that God's love for me would propel me into deeper waters and that my capacity to love God and people would expand more and more.

Thankful List

 -Spending this past Saturday at Kara & Shang's place - we watched a few episodes of Pachinko and it was such a cozy and lovely afternoon 

-Restaurant week at Amaru with Julian, Ale, and Eyob 

-Getting coffee with Constance and getting to know her better 

-Watching The Revolution of Our Time with Thomas and some other church people - this documentary was sobering and eye-opening regarding the relationship that Hong Kong has with mainland China and has prompted me to do more research and further educate myself 

-Zoom call with Michael Sugihara that left me so thankful for his intentionality and leadership 

-Last night, John came over and helped me bake a surprise birthday cake for Janet and I was super thankful for the help 

-Continuing to wake up early to read the Word and spend time with the Lord 

-Listening to the National 

 

30 Years of Being

I find it quite interesting that prior to the start of Jesus' ministry, not much is known about his life. We know he enjoyed hanging out at the Temple as a young kid (Luke 2:41-52), we know that Jesus' later career was that of a carpenter, we can assume that he was in constant fellowship with God. I find it interesting that most of Jesus' life isn't actually revealed to us in scripture - there's something intriguing about this season of not being in the limelight. I can only imagine that these were the formational years that undergirded the eventual rise of his ministry years. Jesus knew how to simply be. And it wasn't simply existing as a breathing, living man; rather, he existed in full awareness of his identity as Son of God. 

I realize that this season is kicking off for me: I am committed to serving as an Associate Board Member of Caris for a full year, I am committed to co-captaining my church's World Vision marathon team, and I am committed to continue serving as a MG leader at church. As I note all the opportunities (ones that I am passionate about), I'm also aptly aware of my own limitations. It's been a hard couple of months, and I'm in my own version of the wilderness. I feel that God is stripping me of idols while at the same time taking me through a more nuanced season of healing. I realize more and more the need to prioritize being with Jesus instead of doing things for Jesus. The thing is, I need the Lord. I need his love and mercy, his grace and presence. His joy. His strength. His voice telling me that he is with me and for me. That my past, present, and future are in his hands. I need him in the heartache, in the moments when I feel the trauma of the past, in moments when I am aware of both my weakness and greatness -- a tension that I feel within myself.

Still, there is a deeper thrumming within me that overshadows my need for Christ. It is my desire for him. It is this unquenchable thirst for him that hasn't really subsided with the years, but continues to grow. And I know that it is drawing near to the Lord's presence again and again that will ultimately grow, refine, quite possibly transform me as I roam the wilderness. 

The Bloc

 A few weeks ago, my team and I vaccinated at the Bloc. As we walked around the facility, I was immediately intrigued by the organization - the Bloc opened their gym (otherwise known as "The Sanctuary") back in 2020 and is a safe space for kids to come after school for tutoring, mentorship, and boxing sessions. I ended up connecting with Amy, one of the assistants, and signed up to tutor every week. My first week at the Bloc consisted of connected with the kids; usually, the first hour consists of making sure everyone gets a snack and checking in with them. We spend an hour helping with homework and then the second hour is dedicated to actual boxing. This is where things get really fun and usually the boxing instructor pairs us up and we go through a variety of warm-ups and drills and use the time to just really connect with our partners. 

For the past two weeks, I've gotten to know Kathleen, a young junior high school girl that has been my boxing buddy. It's been awesome to have her coach me through some of the various boxing moves and to work with her. For me, I'm so thankful that this space exists - I kinda wish something like this had been available to me as a little girl because oftentimes I came home during my elementary/junior high school days to an empty and dark house. I really want to commit to coming to the Bloc weekly and just be present with the kids. I think that's what I wanted as a little girl - an older mentor figure that was just available and present. But wait, now that I think about it, I guess the Lord totally provided because he sent Pastor Hea Bin into my life during my high school years, and I recognize that much of my own personal growth and healing has been due to her love and influence in my life. Anyways, I'm so glad that I found out about this non-profit and I'm excited to get more involved. 

https://www.cnn.com/2019/06/27/us/cnnheroes-jamyle-cannon-the-bloc/index.html

The Year of Wholeness

Today, CC asked Kolton to pray for me at prayer group and when I was asked what my prayer request was, I said that I desired Lorie's word over me to come to fruition this year. That I wouldn't compartmentalize my past and different aspects of myself, but that I would bring everything before the Lord and that I would walk away from 2022 a whole person. As Kolton prayed for me, the Spirit started to move and it was clear that the Lord gave him a word for me. He encouraged me by saying that God created me as a whole person, and that as I rediscovered the person God created me to be, I was going to discover new aspects of myself. It's true, I'm in the middle of unearthing this whole person God has created me to be; I am not a broken person trying to piece myself back together. Rather, I'm on a journey with the Lord and am stepping into a new reality of living as a beautiful, whole and healed person. As Kolton prayed over me, I felt the Lord's presence and love so keenly - I'm so thankful for the community that surrounds me. I know that the Lord is doing something within me this season and I pray that I would fully embrace it and continue to come before him with an open heart and open palms. 

Thankful List

 -Super thankful for my work buds. I've gotten really close to Emilio/Meg/Kierra/Kiana and I can't imagine coming to work without seeing these guys.

-Maggie bought us all Starbucks today 

-Christina's bridal shower yesterday; I drove down with Sarah and after, she invited me up to her place and as we talked, I started to cry and she just started to speak truth over me. So so thankful for Sarah, and how our friendship has deepened this year.

-Ran outside in shorts and a t-shirt today and it felt goodddd

-Liz and I had a phone date today and we finally got to catch up. Dang. I miss having her in the house, and am looking forward to when she's back home. 

-Crisp apples 

Hey Jesus, Captivate Me

 Yesterday, I got to hang out with Janet/Julian/Justice/Michael and it felt good to be with friends. Afterwards, I ended up talking to Janet and Julian in the car and I felt so cared for by both of them. I think something that's been haunting me these past few weeks is the lie from the enemy that the people I hold near and dear to my heart will eventually leave me. That eventually, I will be left behind in the dust. Obviously, this is a deep-rooted lie from the enemy. But it's deep-rooted, and I think certain events of this season have triggered this fear of abandonment. But you know what? The Lord's meeting me in it and I sense his nearness and protection and his desire to bring deeper healing into the crevices of my heart. Indeed, last night while we were out at a brewery (shout-out to the horchata beer I enthusiastically imbibed), Brig texted me super randomly with the following text: "You are on my heart tonight. I know your longing heart and plead to the Father alongside you. Lord, hear our prayer." 

Holy crap. It's not like I'm super close to Brig - she's in our church's prayer group and we pray with the group every Saturday morning but she really doesn't know all that's been going on in my life or my heart. In that moment, I felt so known and seen by the Lord. And was reminded that my healing journey is not a solo journey, but one that involves the Body of Christ. 

Once again, I find myself captivated by the Lord. I find myself solely satisfied by his presence and I trust that he is on the move, working all things out for his utmost glory. 

Hey Jesus

 So I've been spending a lot of time with the Lord and last night he gave me this image where I was standing in a whirlpool - it appeared that I was caught up in emotions, caught up in various relationships and friend groups I have no control over, caught up in this specific season of life. And then the Lord appeared before me and reached out his arm, offering me his hand. He spoke, saying "Grace, take my hand."

It's true - I have no control over so many things. Heck, I struggle to control my emotions. And yet, as I find myself in various complex situations that are seemingly overwhelming I hear the Lord asking me to grab ahold of his hand and trust him. 

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Also, this is random but I have enjoyed listening to A$AP Rocky's 'LONG.LIVE.A$AP' album - particularly this song.

Thankful List

 -I went over to Don and Amy's house last night and we sat around eating sushi and catching up. I'm so incredibly thankful for the Mpindis and their friendship. Low-key the best part of the evening was when I was talking to Amy and heard baby Moses emit this suspicious sound that sounded like he just projectile vomited on the person who was holding him (person being Don). Ha ha. 

-Michael Sugihara asked me to lead today's leadership cohort meeting and it was such an incredibly powerful time of vulnerable sharing and fellowship. I'm thankful for Josh/Marissa/James/Michael/John. 

-Conversations with my sis and with Sarah 

-Recently, I got asked to apply to be an Associate Board Member of Caris, a Christian non-profit that walks alongside women who are experiencing an unplanned pregnancy. Caris has a holistic approach towards caring for women and children and offers counseling and a variety of other resources. I ended up writing my cover letter yesterday and am planning on submitting my application by the end of this weekend. This opportunity kinda fell on my lap and yeah, I'm pretty curious and intrigued to see what the Lord is going to do. 

-Homemade iced coffee 

-Season of Lent and pressing deeper into the Lord 

The Trauma that Lives Within

 This week has been a rough one. I mentioned in the previous post that I had a convo with a friend and that I walked away from that space feeling empowered and strong; indeed, Sunday rolled around and church service was great. Afterwards, kinda randomly, I ended up getting coffee with Ashley. On our walk to the coffeeshop, we started making small talk and I asked her how her Saturday was. She nonchalantly mentioned that she got her haircut and that afterwards, she and the friend I talked to hung out at a dessert cafe. Wow. In that moment, I experienced such an immediate, physical response. My heart started racing and I was hit with a wave of anxiety. The moment caught me totally off guard - it sucked. Meanwhile, I tried to compose myself and continue the conversation with Ashley (not sure I was able to succeed at doing this). As soon as we got to the coffee shop, I beelined to the bathroom and reached out to close girlfriends asking for prayer, stating that I was in the middle of an intense spiritual attack. I breathed deep breaths, took a moment, and then went back out to try to be as present as possible with Ashley. I honestly felt guilty because I wasn't able to give her my undivided attention. Overall, just a really painful experience and I was in no mental space to make small talk. We ended our time together and I walked back to my car, sad and confused at how my body responded.

Well, it's been few days since Sunday and I've been able to process a bit. I think more than anything, the enemy tapped into a deep chord within me that extends into the past. The history I have with my dad is one riddled with trauma, with no present resolution and no foreseeable reprieve. That chord was struck, and it hurt. The immediate feelings of shame and unworthiness came on so strong - I am still reeling from the effects of that experience even today. Currently, I am experiencing the pain of the present coupled with the pain of the past and it seems that certain neuronal pathways that were healing have once again been fired up. Simply put, these past few months of confusion and ambiguity and now this recent experience have amplified in a way where I am left feeling overwhelmingly triggered.

God, you said that this year was the year of healing. I claim that. I don't know why you allowed this to happen, but I know that you are with me in my healing journey. I proclaim that this is the year of healing for me.

Thankful List

 Wow, what a weekend. Here goes another thankful list: 

-Hanging out with Kolton/Christina, Michael, Brielle on Friday 

-Whiskey highballs 

-A conversation took place with a friend and I felt so proud of myself. I not only advocated for my own heart but empowered myself to move on and not be stuck in confusion or ambiguity. For me, I received all the answers I needed and I'm thankful that I can initiate hard conversations and sit in hard spaces. 

-9-mile run on a lovely day 

-Voice memos with a group of women that I deeply, deeply love. 

-Baking an olive oil chocolate cake for dinner tonight (Julian and I have dinner plans with Greg and Lais and I believe Lais is making Brazilian food for us!)

-Coffee from Metric 

-Earlier this week, I reached out to Pradeep knowing it was his birthday this week. I offered to babysit Silas so that he and Laura could go out and celebrate. Last night was SO much fun - Sarah ended up tagging along and we grabbed takeout from a Thai restaurant. Pradeep and Laura gave us full unlimited access to their wine fridge and told us we could also make cocktails for ourselves. Sarah and I got to talking and as we were wrapping up dinner, we heard the doorbell ring and heard Google Home announce that people were at the front door. We looked at each other in surprise wondering who it could possibly be; basically, Sharon and Tina were at the front door and surprised us and wow, I got so excited ha ha. We cracked open a $50 bottle of wine and essentially had girls' night while Pradeep and Laura were at dinner. And then! Pradeep and Laura came back and we celebrated Pradeep's birthday and ate some cake and sat around talking until like midnight. I drove home with my heart so full - I need to babysit more. 

Anyways, that's my thankful list for this morning. What's next? Here are some upcoming events: 

-Michael Sugihara asked me to lead this upcoming Leadership Cohort meeting 

-I said yes to Lynn's ask regarding co-captaining our church's marathon team for this year (which meanssss that I have another rendezvous with the marathon this year)

-Upcoming San Francisco trip with Janet/Julian/Michael 

Looking forward to all that this upcoming season has in store. 

The Wondrous Expanse

 I am caught up

in the ebb and flow

highs and lows 

of life here on earth 

Caught up in the heartbreak 

and heartache of shimmering

glimmering moments that slip 

through outstretched fingers into the ether 

Fully aware that each moment 

is its own form of grace -

I traverse this wondrous expanse 

in deep communion with you 

Sabbath Thankful List

 -Having Em over for dinner and cooking a meal for her and Liz; spending the evening with them and Sherry and her cute little girl 

-A group of us went skiing yesterday and it was awesome seeing friends try new things 

-We stopped by and went to a cheese castle and I had a great time walking around the store wearing a cheese foam hat (Janet took a sneaky photo of me and low-key it's pretty funny) 

-Soondubu après ski! Love love love Korean food 

-Laughing with friends at dinnertime 

-Waking up early to spend time with the Lord in the quiet of the morning 

-Currently reading Eugene Peterson's biography, "A Burning in My Bones" and wow, here is a man who lived life deeply and richly in the love of Christ - I'm inspired by his life and my prayer is that the walls of my heart would continue to expand so that I would be able to experience God's love even more and be able to love the people around me to deeper capacity  

-Picking up Julian this morning and serving on the Connections team at church 

-Today's service; awkward moments post-service that resulted in a lot of laughter  

-Sunny days and the opportunity to run 

It's a great day to be alive, and I'm super thankful.

Catalyst

You are the catalyst that 

sets into motion holy disruptions - 

hearts quiver, never to remain the same 

You are the catalyst, the unchanging I AM -

impurities melt away and I am stripped 

of everything that I no longer care for 

What you started, I cannot stop 

this movement within my heart 

- Written for my sister, Jenny -

Cheerleader

 I think it wasn't random that the Lord gave me the word 'Affirmation' for this year. Initially, I thought that the word stemmed from turning aside from seeking affirmation on social media - I realize now that there's more to flesh out with this particular word in this particular season. The thing is, I grew in a lot of self-love and self-confidence last year as I was training for the Chicago Marathon. Most importantly, this self-love was a paradigm shift precisely because the lens through which I saw myself slowly began to change. I began to see myself through the Lord's eyes. Or rather, I began to believe that I was lovely, and worthy of His love and affections. 

I realize that the affirmation that I truly need isn't from the people around me; I need the truth of who I am as a beloved daughter from the Lord himself; indeed, this is the kind of affirmation my spirit desperately seeks on a day-to-day basis. When the voice of shame and self-condemnation is replaced with the voice of love, it changes you from the inside out. I guess you can say that the Lord is my cheerleader, encouraging me and helping me become the person he has created me to be. 

As we enter into February, I once again let go. I let go of control over my relationships and what they should look like; I let go of fear of what others think and the constant need to prove my worth; I let go of performance and the desire for approval. I let go of my imperfections. I let go and once again ask that the Holy Spirit would meet me, fill me, transform me, prepare me, empower me for Kingdom glory. 

Snow Day Thankful List

 -Slow mornings w the Lord

-Very thankful for Sarah, and for the opportunity to text her every morning fresh insight regarding the scripture readings of the day 

-Chat groups that make me laugh out loud 

-Team zoom meeting; Kierra told me that the groundhog that usually forecasts whether we are going to have an extended winter or not passed away yesterday and for some reason I could not stop laughing. Does this make me a horrible human being? I dunno but I still think it's funny.

-Shoveling and being able to talk to my neighbors 

-Finished my taxes (I love filing my taxes)

-Hot chocolate and a new candle (digging the ashwood & Palo Santo scented candle from Target)

-Cozy days 

When the Spirit Falls Afresh

 For the past 3 weeks, my church has been going through a sermon series where someone from the church has preached on the same passage (Luke 18:35-43), but from a different perspective. Today, CC wrapped up the series and for me, it was one of those Sundays where you walk out of the sanctuary different than when you entered it. Last week, CC asked a few of us in prayer group to pray for today's service and it's true that much prayer and fasting was involved in setting a tone of collective anticipation prior to this morning. And guess what? The Spirit delivered and met the church body both collectively and individually. During the service, CC asked the congregation the following prompt: If Jesus were standing in front of you and asked, "What do you want from me?", how would you respond? In that moment, my gut instinct was to say, "Jesus, I want more of you." Towards the end of the sermon, CC asked the congregation the same prompt and this time, as I sat there before the Lord, I heard him say to me "Grace, what do you really want?"I sat there for a minute, puzzled. And a few seconds passed by, and I realized oh wow, God, you want to go there. 

The thing is, my relationship with my dad is pretty much non-existent. It is an artifact of a broken and messy past. As a little girl and into my high school years I put so much effort to repair a one-sided relationship. Time and time again, I came to experience the overwhelmingly disappointment of a father who simply did not prioritize me, let alone pursue a relationship with me. Fast forward to today and it has been almost 6 years since the last time I truly conversed with my dad. Things came to a breaking point in 2016, and I had to take a step back for my emotional wellbeing. I let my dad go. 

Anyways, I don't really think about my dad anymore. Some things you just lay to rest, and my desire for a relationship with him was something I had to let go of. I moved on, until today. When the Lord spoke to me, I realized that I had to answer. Lord, a relationship with my dad. This is what I want. At this time, CC opened up the front of the sanctuary and invited people to come up to pray - something in me nudged me to go up to Lorie and ask for prayer. As I shared my prayer request, she started to pray for my dad, and then things amped up real quick. The Holy Spirit started to move, and I started to respond. At one point, Lorie whispered in my ear, "Grace, this is the year of wholeness for you. This is the year of wholeness." And wow, when she said those words, I broke down and low-key started weeping. For a while, Lorie held me but I eventually ended up on the ground, face-planted before the Lord, ugly-crying. I think I even started shouting, "Lord, Lord, Lord." Definitely one of those moments where you just fully open yourself up to what the Spirit is doing. 

In all of this, I realize that the Lord is not quite done with me, or with my dad. I don't know where he is (California, I think), I don't know what's he is doing in this moment. But I know that the Lord is not finished with us. In all of this, I trust that the Lord is fully sovereign and in control and that somehow, my story will bring him the utmost glory. 

Thankful List

-Morning rhythms; spending time w the Lord and reading the Word 

-An absolutely lovely weekend: on Friday, I drove up to Evanston and my small group and I had a wine and cheese night. It was really great to reconnect with the girls and just hangout for a few hours. For the first time in a long time, I didn't go anywhere on Saturday (I don't think I can recall the last time I just stayed home all day, especially on a Saturday). I hopped on the prayer call, went for a 12-mile run after, deep-cleaned my room, mopped the floors (both downstairs and upstairs), made ricotta cheese and thin mints. Kara/Janet/Sharon came over for dinner and we made dduk mandoo gguk and it was such a solid evening of laughter and deep conversation. I love these woman more than I can articulate and am super thankful to have them in my life. 

-Today was also filled with a lot of laughter and fellowship - Julian/Janet/Justice/Tina/Tirzah and I walked to a coffee shop after church service and sat around drinking coffee. We ended up going to a local place and grabbed takeout and headed back to Julian's house for a late lunch. When I take a step back and observe our group dynamics, I'm pleasantly reminded that this season is truly a gift from the Lord. There's something uniquely lovely about have a group of people you feel at home with. For the first time in my life, I have a group of people that I feel like really really know me and I them. Not only that, but we just enjoy each other's company, more than I can say ha ha.

-All the fun little moments of laughter I had with Justice today 

-I'm thankful for Kolton and Christina, and the opportunity to bless them with a get-well care package

-A bouquet of flowers from Trader Joe's (my treat to myself teehee)

Lately, I sense the Lord's deep, deep love for me keenly. Interestingly enough, my experience of his love has evolved in that I take delight in not one singular moment but his constant presence in my life. Yeah. I guess my walk with him has definitely matured in that I've grown to be more satisfied with experiencing his love outside of just intense spiritual moments. At the end of the day, it baffles me that I've walked with the Lord for so many years and yet, his love never ever grows old or stagnant. I'm honestly quite awestruck that I can experience glimpses of eternal love on this side of heaven. 

a taste of heaven

 I woke up at 6 am this morning with remnants of a dream lingering on my tongue. And as I lay there, I marveled over the soon-to-be reality of everlasting love. I dreamt of eternity, and of being fully known and fully loved. This morning was a gift; indeed, too often I am unable to fully grasp or perceive what my relationship with the Lord looks like on this side of heaven let alone what it will look like in the time to come. Perhaps this is the reality check I need: that to live life with the Lord is the biggest blessing and that more is to come. That I don't need to worry aimlessly or have tunnel vision when things get tough. That he loves me far more than I can comprehend and that he is right here, right by my side. I can and I will live in that love. 

1/19/22 Thankful List

 -Morning routines (getting up at 6:30 am, making coffee, lighting a candle, sitting before the Lord for a good hour before I head off to work)

-Mellow PCR events 

-Seeing Kara this afternoon when she came over to pick up the car; laughing with Kara over her extra hole-y socks 

-Talking on the phone w Sarah - I've really really enjoyed our weekly phone dates

-Barack Obama's Favorite Music of 2021 Spotify playlist 

-Thankful that Meg is coming back to work tomorrow !!! 

Thankful List Weekend Edition

 I feel like so much happened this past week. On Wednesday, I was driving to the vax site and as I was getting off the highway, noticed the temperature probe inching up past the median. The instant I saw this, my stomach did a flip and I immediately let out an f-bomb. Back in November, I sank $900 resolving this issue and during that time, my dear mechanic called me after installing a new radiator and temp. sensor probe saying that if I ran into this issue again within a 90-day timeframe, it was most likely due to the head gasket and that this was a major issue that wasn't worth my time or energy in getting fixed (not to mention cost). He straight up told me: "Grace, if the head gasket blows out then you can't even sell your car for parts. If that temp. probe goes up again, it's time to say bye to your car and part ways." I took his words to heart and made note of what he shared with me. Well, fast forward not even 90 days to this past Wednesday. I somehow got my car to the parking lot of the vax site and at that point, noticed a faint burning smell. So began my scramble to sell my car and start the process of buying a new one. My stress level rose multiple notches this past week; regardless, I totally saw the Lord provide for me in ways unimaginable and provide multiple joyous moments shared with my community. 

On Friday, multiple prayers were answered. The title of the car was express shipped to Michael's house and ended up arriving just in time. I was able to get my mom to sign a POA and get it notarized. I drove my car up to the CarMax in Glencoe and didn't have any major issues getting it up there. The actual drive up was pretty pleasant, actually.  I was so thankful because Michael drove all the way up to help me sell my car and we were both totally surprised and caught off guard when the CarMax employee offered us $1,200 for the car. I tried to haggle for a minute or two but quickly rolled over because let's be real, I should have probably gotten way less for my car. All in all, I'm so thankful for how smoothly things went at CarMax - like I walked out feeling weightless. Here are some other things I'm thankful for: 

-Friday dinner with Justice, Michael, Julian, Janet 

-Julian, Janet, Michael came along with me and spent pretty much all day Saturday checking out various Toyota dealerships - I felt SO incredibly loved and overall, it was just a really fun day with friends test driving cars and getting lunch/coffee 

-Even though I didn't end up buying a car and some stuff happened that resulted in me feeling a bit deflated towards the end of the day, I'm so thankful that Michael rode with me and was with me in that moment 

-Car chats with Michael 

-Hot pot with Kara and Shang 

-Asian pear cocktails 

-Thankful for a back-up car for my back-up car 

In all of this, I am just overwhelmed by the Lord's love and how he pursued me this weekend. I'm not sure how or when I'll get a new car but I anticipate that the Lord will orchestrate it and that I don't need to stress too much about it. 

hello to forever

Towards the end of last year, I started to feel a nudge within myself to go deeper with the Lord. During this season, my gut instinct was to swat that nudge away, back into the corner of my conscious. In my eyes, I was doing great. Physically, emotionally, spiritually floating above the average and not running into any major issues. Coasting. Complacent. Comfortable. Wow - what a roundup of words. I'm not sure what tipped me over but during my time in Salt Lake City, I realized that the nudge was still there and that I could no longer ignore it. Something in me responded, and I hit pause on Instagram with the desire to create more space for the Lord. The thing is, I've been distracted and have lived a distracted 2021. Sure, the Lord walked with me and met me in the most powerful ways last year, but I realize now that the allure of good things pulled me away from deeper communion with the Lord. Rather than being self-condemning, I'm approaching 2022 with a deep desire to not miss opportunities to dive deep with the Lord and to grasp unto the invitation that he continues to extend: to commune richly with him this side of heaven. 

1/9/22 Thankful List

 -Last night, I got back into Chicago after a week of sun and fun out in Arizona. The week was restful and filled with quality time with people I love and admire and I'm so thankful that the Lord gave me this opportunity to spend time with Alison and also visit the Orris'. I came back convicted that making space for the Lord is a holy endeavor - one that will not disappoint. I'm excited to tap into this deep nudging within me to respond to God's love.

-Janet trekking across town to pick me up from Midway 

-Chaotic journey from car to front door (there was a lot of black ice last night and I couldn't stop laughing because I looked like a penguin waddling trying to make it to the front door without falling on my face - Janet witnessed all of this)

-Coming home to snail mail! Julian wrote me a card and aw, I couldn't stop smiling reading his heartfelt words 

-Slow Sunday mornings 

-Being able to worship with my church fam

-Spontaneous hang w/ Michael and Justice (we got takeout from this cute Korean restaurant in Pilsen and then spent the rest of the afternoon playing Super Smash Bros. and Mario Kart)

Thankful List

I'm currently in Mesa, Arizona with Alison visiting Sam and Kevin and it has been the most restful, soul-nourishing trip. Sam and Kevin are one of my favorite couples and I'm just so thankful that Alison and I could visit them and also hang with baby Noah for an extended amount of time. Here are some highlights: 

-Running outside in a short-sleeve t-shirt 

-Thankful for the sun and for cool mornings and evenings 

-Thankful for Alison and for the opportunity to spend NYE/NYD with her and also travel with her to AZ 

-Worship/prayer night with the Orris' and their friends 

-Going on multiple walks with Kevin, Sam, Noah, and Alison 

-Playing with baby Noah (he is the most happy, giggly baby)

-Car chats with Kevin and being able to open up to him and ask him for some guy advice (I like what he said about this current season I'm in. He turned to me and said, "Grace, is what you're going through right now a problem to solve or a tension to manage?") 

-Making homemade pizzas and indoor s'mores for dessert

-Kevin made Alison and I epic old-fashioned cocktails 

-Giggling in bed next to Alison (we were laughing at memes the other night) 

-Adventure-time w Alison and exploring Mesa w her 

-Eating a buttload of ice cream during this trip 

Because Kevin and Sam had Covid the latter part of December, they weren't able to go back to Chicago to see their respective families. They switched their trip to this weekend and Alison and I dropped them off at the airport this morning. Which meanssss that Alison and I will have some solid time together for the remaining part of our trip here in Arizona and will be able to use the Orris' car and continue staying at their place. Looking forward to some more one-on-one time with Alison before we both fly to our respective homes this Saturday! 

2022: Affirmation

I'm starting off the New Year leaning into this gentle nudge within me: to go deeper with the Lord. To let go of all the things I usually turn to for affirmation. And to make space for the Lord and his pleasure in me.