my feet hit the pavement again and again and as i ran and ran and ran, tears slipped down. in my head, this thought resurfaced again and again: "she abandoned you, and time is only taking her farther away from you." there is this fear blossoming in me that it's too late and that i'll never be able to reach her. i ran harder and faster. God, it's true that i feel abandoned by her.

i looked out upon a thriving open green space. there was one, two, three, four streams that cut across the land and snaked through flourishing trees. and in my vision, i saw boulder-like jewels that glistened and sparkled and flashed before my eyes. soon after, i saw a storm of dragonflies that filled the picture before me. Dragonflies loomed before me, flying in and out of my sight of vision. 

Immanuel. You are with me. 

that my brokenness would be the backdrop of what you did for me.

three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, "My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness."

My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.
My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.

But God showed his great love for me by sending Christ to die for me while I was still a sinner.

you can never relive the experiences that you miss. and i count those experiences as blessings because God brought them about in a way that only He can. there's something so profoundly special about encountering yourself, the people around you, and God in a new way. I will never ever forget my time working at the Shelter and the fellowship I had with my team and the Jordaan staff. truly, you added so much more to my heart.

God, you are so beautiful. Draw me closer to you & show me more of your heart. Grow the seeds you planted in my heart. i won't stop asking for more and more of your presence.



i lift up the Shelter Ministry in Amsterdam. God, I pray that you would draw those who are lost to the hostels and that you would minister to them through the staff and managers. God, I pray that your kingdom would come in the darkest areas in Amsterdam. i pray that your light would breach the darkness in human hearts. Father, I lift up to you the managers and staff at Shelter Jordaan. Blow in the caverns of their souls winds that will refresh them. I pray against weariness and attacks from the enemy - Father show them more of your heart for the travelers.Guide them in their conversations and interactions and I pray that you would be so manifest in the love of that community.

yes, more was added to my heart.
And I thank you.

my worship to you will not be grounded on emotions or circumstances, but simply on who you are. God, you are deserving of worship because of your unchanging character. my emotions will fluctuate and different seasons will come and go. i think that these past few months i've been able to see just how weak i am and how easily i turn to sin. i surrender my brokenness, depression, & bitterness. i surrender and come before you to worship you.

You are always good. my prayer that despite my circumstances, that these would be the words that come from my lips. Father, you are always good.

my crippling fear in exchange for a humbling fear of you.

sinking

it's funny how these days i just want to give in to the dark chasms in my heart. these days it's a constant wrestle between two dichotomies: the light & the dark. is it possible to forget how to love oneself? is it possible to forget how to love others? i'm at a loss on how to do both. i loathe how i put so much meaning into things (idols) that catalyze spiritual death. lately, i see how so many put their heart into idols and my heart breaks. God have mercy on me, a sinner. i don't understand why i choose the dark instead of the light - it's more than my foolishness, it's my rejection of your love. God, i don't understand myself. Have mercy on me.

read through Romans - time to read through it again..

You will show me the way of life, granting me the joy of your presence and the pleasures of living with you forever. -Psalms 16:11

The cry of my heart is to know the one true living God.

i'm continuing with the premed track, and thinking about a chemistry minor. after having scanned the list of majors that wheaton college offers, i can't say i'm close to deciding a major. some things that i'm sure of:

-I don't want to major in a science because i have this yearning in my heart to explore the humanities.

-God grew this passion in my heart for Europe and for the people living in Amsterdam. There's not a lot of things that I'm passionate about, but somehow I came away from Europe having been touched profoundly by the love that God has for Amsterdam and the people living there. 

-History is a potential major that has been on my mind. I'm taking this class next semester --> 

HIST 349. Origins of Contemporary Europe (1870-1950). Analysis of socioeconomic, political, and cultural foundations of twentieth-century Europe, and the causes and impact of both world wars.

Hopefully, things will start to look more definite by the end of this year.

father, i feel so lost.

I have loved you with an everlasting love.

-jeremiah 31:3

sometimes i wish i could strip away layer after layer of myself and have people see just how selfish i am and just how weak i am. i hate that i come across as put together, and i hate that people see that in me. i wish i could show people just how much i'm struggling right now.

i went to see my chem professor, & as i started to ask her some questions about the homework, she stopped me and said, "Grace, I was going through and grading the tests from last week, and you actually got the highest test score in the class." God, it's all you, and i praise you. somehow, you're pulling me through biology and chemistry. you are so good to me.

i pray that instead of just a passion for a single subject, that you would grow in me a passion for your heart. these classes are just tools that will equip me to further your kingdom. Father, i want to understand more of your heart. this summer, you showed me in equal amounts my brokenness and your grace and glory. you showed me your heart for people who don't know you. yes, this made a mark on my heart, and i'm pretty sure the trajectory of my goals and dreams are headed in directions that i can't fathom just yet. i don't know where you plan on taking me, but i am willing, Father. i can't know your heart and not do anything in response to it. 

i repent for not loving you enough. i'm sorry because i turn my back on your love and give in to my fears and anxieties instead. these days, my brokenness overwhelms me. when did it become so crippling? turn me to what you did on the cross. i'm reminded that you healed me at the cross, not just this past summer in amsterdam. lord, i'm so sorry that i'm a crummy lover. i don't know how to love you, i don't know how to love others, i don't know how to love myself. i pray that you would show me more and more of your love.

there's nothing left to stand on but your love.

the (most) heartbreaking thing about relationships is that people's feelings change towards you. i long for heaven because then i'll be able to see someone fully in the way that God has created him. not only will we encounter God, but we'll encounter one another in a way we've never been able to here in this world.

you desire heart worship, and in this season of seeking and searching and heartache, i will offer up heart worship. surely you were familiar with deeper sorrows.

these days i can't help asking myself how people who don't know God can possibly get through a single day. the older i get, the more i realize how i desperately need God. Jesus, i need you in all my joys and in all my sorrows.

whenever it rains, my mind automatically goes to amsterdam.
i used to wake up early to work morning cafe at the hostel. a lot of times, i biked in the pouring rain & arrived at the hostel wet & ready to make a gazillion pancakes or eggs or french toast (whatever we were serving that day) for the travelers.

i wonder if i'll ever find myself at shelter jordan again? it would be a different set of people, but i think i would go back. i wonder if you'll ever take me back there.

in my brokenness, may your grace abound more and more to me.

kailey: grace, it's like you're in His net.
me: what do you mean?
kailey: you're under the waves, but you're secure from going down into the depths.

Oct. 5 -
I've been semi-despondent lately. The more time passes, the more I feel like I left a part of myself in Amsterdam. It's not even that place, but the people as well as the God i met in that place. The more time passes by, the more I ask God why I deserved all that He did this past summer. I didn't deserve any of it, and yet He blessed me far beyond my comprehension. Honestly, I've felt heartsick and I see how I've grown more distant from people. I don't want to open up... I'm afraid of being vulnerable and then having the chance of encountering someone slip past me. This summer changed me in ways that have carried over to this very instant. No, I don't function the same way that I used to. Right now, I'm stuck in the middle of two mentalities. One mentality that I've been experiencing is the feeling that I left my heart in Amsterdam. The other mentality is new and was spoken to me by a friend last night. I never left my heart behind. Instead, all of my experiences, all the people I met, and the same God is there in my heart right now. Maybe my heart hurts because God stretched it and grew it in ways I didn't think possible. Maybe he allowed me to experience Him over there so I might better understand Him over here.

Oct. 13 -
5 months since i've last heard from you.
God, my heart hurts for her. my heart hurts because I don't love you enough. my heart hurts because these broken relationships are overwhelming. my heart hurts because i'm fighting myself. i feel heartsick.

a brief interlude

-Finish reading Shirley.
-Read the books I downloaded for free on my Kindle: Ethan Frome, Sons & Lovers, This Side of Paradise, Anna Karenina, The Brothers Karamazov.
-Treat Esther & Yoully out at Honey Cafe.
-Go to the Chicago Symphony Orchestra or go to the city and wander.
-Watch Okuribito.

-Go back to Amsterdam.
-Visit Germany, Turkey, & England.

Honey Cafe maybe next weekend, books & movie will have to wait until break, Chicago before the weather gets too cold, Amsterdam sometime in the near future. Amsterdam, Germany, Turkey, England alone or with boyfriend? ha ha. Probably alone.

close my eyes and go back to that train ride through germany. this song takes me back to this summer. i knew at the time that i would have to delicately store away the memories and emotions and experiences deep in my heart. 

My heart is stirred by a noble theme as I sing to you my noble king

And I ask that you would continue to show me your love, and that it would be endless and endless and endless and that I would walk closer to you than ever before. thank you for your promise that you will be with me until the end of time.

biology

today in biology lab, we were using the microscope to look at various slides, one of which was a pond water sample. i peered into the eyepiece, and amidst the stark background, saw a teeny-tiny organism moving about in all its simplicity amidst green algae cells. and at that moment, i think i fell deeper in love with God.

haven't had a lot of time to process these past couple of weeks. got to talk to my roommate last night and she mentioned that maybe i was in God's net at this point in my life. which totally makes sense, because i feel like i'm under the waves and in a place where i have to desperately go before God. learning a lot about dependency right now and trusting God. but He's got me, and i'm eager to see where he will take me.

Because of your unfailing love, I can enter your house;
I will worship at your Temple with deepest awe.
Lead me in the right path, O Lord, or my enemies will conquer me.
Make your way plain for me to follow. -psalm 5:7-8

I give you my fear, and ask for your peace.
My fear is crippling, and in desperation I seek you out.
Above all else, to go through this season with you by my side.
Continue to break me.
Father, this is my prayer, that i would lift up to you heart worship.

the eve before departure

i'm packing for chicago, and i ran across this note that my friend Casey wrote me before Christmas break:

"pic. of a glow-stick - you will shine in the darkness, but for your light to shine you must be broken. Any warfare you go through is a process that is necessary for your light to shine."

after reading this, i sat on my bed stunned. her message sums up all of second semester and my time in amsterdam. actually this whole year. at the time when she gave me this note, i read it and then forgot about it.

Father, you reign supreme and time is in your hands. it is all in your palm - yesterday, today, and tomorrow.

this next season

post-yhm and i've been able to take some time and stand back, stand in awe of all that the Lord has done. i'm on the brink of a new season, and i know that God has some pretty rad stuff up his sleeve. i've been studying chemistry for the past two weeks, and i desire to go into this semester willing to be led and directed by God. Lord, I declare that i will follow you and ask you what your passions and desires are. i never thought myself as a science-y type of person, but obviously you know me better than i know myself.

this next season, i desire to grow in the Word. He's stirring up this hunger and i want revelation after revelation as i meditate upon his word. i want it to be endless, and to shake up my (worldly) perspective each and every time.

also-
my mom came to los angeles to hang out with me for a couple of days last week and when it was her time to go, she asked my dad for a favor. she told me later that she asked him to drop her off at the airport when it was time for her to leave because she wanted to talk to him about my sister. during that car ride to the airport, i was able to witness how God has been changing my father. he parked the car at the airport and as they got out, he asked my mom if he could give her a hug. i definitely didn't see that coming, and my mom was just as shocked as i was. as she walked away, tears streamed down my face. i think it hit both my dad and i how precious she is. we got into the car, and sat in silence and i finally spoke, saying "i'm so proud of her." he looked straight ahead and replied, "i know."

Mom, when you walked away from us, I got this feeling that I was saying good-bye to an old you. of course, God has healed you, but i felt like that encounter between you and dad was a final gift from the Lord. this is a new season for you as well. you see how the Lord has taken you from the pit, and glorified himself through you. and he's given you a heart of gold. i know this next year or so, the Lord is going to take you out of Utah. he has such great plans for you, and i lift you up.

heart worship

i'm finally home in Los Angeles and I just want to lift up all the things God did this summer. Here are some excerpts from my journal:

July 10-
When Jesus hung on the cross, he experienced brokenness in the fullest extent. He came on earth as a human to be broken. He broke himself from perfect union with the Father and the Holy Spirit so that He could save me from eternal damnation. I'll be 19 tomorrow - my wish is that with each year, I would understand a bit more of the profound love You have for me and that that would spur me on to love others to greater depths.

July 15 -
The conviction of the Holy Spirit and the overwhelming realization of my own brokenness and desperate need for God.

July 18 -
"Brokenness does not meant worthlessness." These are the words that Daniela spoke to me in bible study today. In Toy Story, old broken toys are thrown out because they are useless. There is no value in these broken objects and they are discarded because they are of no use to anyone anymore.

But how amazing is it that Christ came for the sole purpose of tending to the broken. Yes, He knew and was familiar with brokenness. He saw me as worthy to die for.

-
God I lift up Ophelie. Show me more of your heart for her. Lord, I ask that you steadfastly continue to pursue her. I'm not sure why I've come to care for her so much - maybe it's because she reminds me of my sister. God, you desire to have a relationship with her. Please don't loosen your grip on her. Work in her life in a way that directs her to a fuller understanding of who you are. May she call out to you.

July 24 or 25 -
Today, I got to experience God in the city. Or at least that was the purpose of today's MTP class. My group separated at a park, and each person went his or her own way. I got on my bike, and looked down at the sheet of paper that was given to me:

1. Touch something that touches you.
2. Look for something that is a metaphor of what you want to do with your life.
3. Write a haiku poem about what you see around you.

Went to Vondelpark and was able to answer questions #2 and #3. The first question was definitely harder, but as I sat there thinking something or someone that never ceases to move my heart my thoughts went immediately to my sister and then to Ophelie. Got back on my bike, determined to bring her some Rittersport chocolate back at the hostel. I ran into the hostel, hot and breathless, and asked for Ophelie. She was in her room, and I barged in, not in the least mindful of those others trying to get their afternoon nap in. Went up to Ophelie, gave her the chocolate and quick hug and made my way back downstairs and finally back unto my bike.And after all this, I realize that my heart is still broken over my sister and that Ophelie, who just wants to "start a new life" here in Amsterdam has a spot in my heart as well.

 July 27 -
Gratitude List #1
1. Haley's testimony at small group
2. How my friendships with Meghan and Nicole have grown.
3. My talk with Faramarz - one of our Muslim cleaners. At the end of our conversation, I got to pray for him. Yes!
4. Caroline, Anna Shane, and Abby (whenever I think of our team, 1 Peter 4:8 comes to mind).
5. Loosening of self-righteousness.
6. This entire summer.

July 29 -
Amazing day. I got to switch shifts with Caroline, which allowed me to go to Vineyard. At church, there was a guest speaker who led Healing on the Streets at Dam Square the previous day.At the end of the service Mark Marx invited the congregation to receive healing in areas where people struggled with different kinds of fears and phobias and eating disorders. I walked up with several others and as he was praying for us, a clear voice in my head told me, "Grace, my gift to you. My promise to heal you."

Later that day, Sergio visited the hostel. The best part? He went to church with Francisca (one of the managers here at the hostel) for the first time. when i talked to him, he told me that he liked seeing everyone worship so freely and sincerely. I was so happy to see him. He came by the Shelter when he heard that us girls would be going home this coming week (camera in tow - how sweet!).

On a more somber note, Sandra visited the hostel and I found out that she is considering going back to prostitution. I don't know of anything else i can do but pray for her.

-
Lastly, I met Masha, a guest who was staying at the hostel. I quickly became chummy with her and learned that she had done YWAM and that God had told her to come to Europe because He had plans for her here. She really taught me a thing or two about being led by the Holy Spirit. Sunday evening we decided to pray for each other and after I finished praying for her, God must have spoken to her because she looked at me and said that she felt so much peace about staying in Amsterdam and applying to the Shelter Ministry. The next day, she applied to be a volunteer and before I knew it, she had moved into the staff house. How cool is that? I'm so excited about how God is going to use her during her time here.

So there it is, some excerpts from my journal. I have a couple more things that I want to share. On Wednesday, the night before our departure, I realized that someone had stolen my passport around midnight. Abby and I rode our bikes down to the police station around 2:30 in the morning and filed a police report, which got done around 3:30. When we came out of the station, we saw that someone had stolen one of our bikes. And then of course it had to start pouring rain as we made our way back to the house. The next morning, I had to say a hasty and rather sad goodbye to my team. I really didn't expect us to part ways in the way that we did. I ended up staying one more day in Amsterdam. Through it all, God really gave me His peace. I was able to get a temporary passport and the whole process went smoothly and without hassle. We ended up getting a flight out of Amsterdam the next day at the same time without any additional fee (!!!). Also, even my domestic flight to Los Angeles from Chicago was at the SAME exact time. How amazing is that? I realize now that God wanted to demonstrate his faithfulness to me in such a clear way. I'm so thankful because I know that I will have to lean on his faithfulness this coming semester.

I feel like God taught me so much about heart worship during my time in Amsterdam. God showed me more and more of his heart for the people around me, believers and nonbelievers alike. I just want to end with a note that my manager left me  -

He loves you! Not because of what you think, you did, you believe, your dreams, opinions, moral standards. Just because He wants to! And you can never return the favor or pay Him back. He will not accept any other thing than your whole and broken heart, with all its caves, mountains, seas, fields, palm trees, and deserts.

This is what God desires from us - our broken hearts.

mini update (June 24)

dear friends & family, hope you guys are doing well. i'm sorry that i haven't responded back to many of your emails (as well as facebook messages). it's always nice hearing back from people i look up to and care for, so thanks! and sorry that i'm a crummy respond-er. 

this email won't be too long, i just wanted to share a couple of updates with you guys before leaving for the Midsummer retreat in Germany. We'll be at a YWAM base in Hurlach, germany this whole week. i've grown to really love this community, so i'm got some mixed feelings going to retreat, but hopefully it'll be a week of rest and fellowship with the other teams coming in from norway and czech republic. 

as i told you in my last update, the hostel that i'm working at allows non-christians to work as 'cleaners'. i told you guys about sandra, fons, and sergio. i know wholeheartedly that it was in God's plan for me to meet Sergio. from the beginning i met him, i had a feeling that God would use him to bless me and vice versa. and He has. i've come to care for Sergio in a way that i can only attribute to the Holy Spirit and God's own heart for Sergio. yesterday, i got to sit in on a cleaners devotional that my friend led. we read about the fall in Genesis and Sergio asked question after question (not unusual), genuinely hungry for answers. he had many questions, and we tried to answer them as best as we could. i sat still and said a silent prayer - God, that he would know you intimately. how would you use me? i faced Sergio and began talking to him. i don't think i'll ever forget that instant - i don't remember everything i said but i believe that God wanted to tell sergio of His abounding love for him. I looked Sergio straight in the eyes and told of the Lord's steadfast love for him. More than anything else, more than answers to his questions, i believe the Lord wanted to let Sergio know of His love for him. As i talked, i know that something happened inside him. afterwards, i got to pray for sergio and the rest of the cleaners so that was pretty cool.

It's sergio's last day today. i'm going to miss him terribly. i know that i'll have to have faith that God will continue drawing him closer.

Now, something for you guys. Yesterday, I was working in the morning with a staff member, Kenan. Here are some beautiful words that he shared with me that I want to share with you guys. 

"God has his own symphony in heaven. He doesn't need our talents, just our heart"

Kenan's words challenge me to offer up to God heart worship. 

well, that's it for now. it's always nice writing to you guys because it allows me to process a lot of things. thank you for being my silent and faithful audience (actually i love it when you guys respond back to me hehe). \

may the lord bless you. -grace

update #2 (june 15)

hello dear friends and family. i'm kicking myself for not having updated you guys sooner as now i don't know where to start.. i'm eager to tell you all that has been going on these last few weeks, so get comfortable! 

I am pretty much settled into the Willemsstraat. Let me back up a bit and tell you a little more about the ministry that I'm involved in here in the city. As you all know, I was sent here with seven other girls by the ministry that I applied to (youth hostel ministry) back at my school. upon our arrival here in the city (almost two weeks ago), we were quickly plugged into a larger ministry called 'tot heil des volks', which means the salvation of the people in dutch. this ministry owns two christian youth hostels, one located in the heart of the red light district and the other in the Jordan district (i work at Shelter Jordan), including a house on the Willemstraat (willemstraat is a street name) for all the people working as staff. I live at the house with a diverse community. The people living here are younger and come from all parts of the U.S., Canada, Germany, England, Argentina, as well as many other places. Some of the people here have been here for almost a year, while others will stay for only a couple of months. One thing that I wasn't expecting was the intentionality of this ministry. We are expected to attend Ministry Training Program  (say MTP.. now say it slower. haha) classes two times a week for two and a half hours. Last week's classes focused on how to lead an inductive bible study, this week's classes focused on sharing testimonies.

 Every week, everyone in the house gathers together for small group on tuesdays and thursdays for breakfast and fellowship. small groups have been awesome so far. i was feeling a little overwhelmed last week, but the Lord really spoke to me through the Martha and Mary passage in small group last week. i guess even now i'm really challenged to be still before God and not get swept away by my schedule. if anything, i want to come away from this summer knowing that it was spent with the Lord. also small group = gracious amounts of pancakes. eggs. cruesli (this lovely granola mix), fruit salad, etc. etc. 

Now, what has really been keeping me on my toes has been working at the Shelter Jordan. I am so thankful because really, i'm here this summer to serve and pour out to the people in this hostel . i mentioned earlier that i was amazed at the intentionality of this ministry. the staff at shelter jordan are so eager to serve and be used by the Lord. i see the fruits that have been a result of following the Lord. before every shift, the managers round up the staff workers to pray for the hostel and the people staying there. we host daily bible studies, as well as open-mic night, film discussion night, and hostel night. On sundays, guests are invited to attend church with us. i work six hours a day, six days a week at the cafe in the hostel. i do everything from cooking dinner for up to 40 people/serving breakfast to cleaning the kitchen. during my first week, i felt pretty overwhelmed by the amount of work that has to get done working these shifts. i found myself asking the lord how putting rack after rack of dirty dishes into the dishwater was glorifying to him. the lord has really changed my mentality, and i guess i feel honored to serve him with physical labor. if my desire is to glorify and worship god, then the most menial task becomes a form of worship. weirdly, i have grown to really enjoy working at the cafe. the other day, i cooked lemon pesto chicken pasta for the staff and guests !! 

One thing that has blessed me has been the cleaners working at Shelter Jordan. i don't think i've mentioned this, but it's a requirement that everyone working at the Shelter Jordan is Christian. the cleaners are an exception. we offer free room/board as well as free meals for this job position. it's cool because this allows us to work and eat side-by-side with non-christians. i've been able to get to know sergio (a brazilian who never ceases to make me smile), fons (this guy comes to me for coffee maybe 8x in one shift), and sandra (she previously worked in the red light district). many of the people who have worked as cleaners come to Christ and our prayer is that sergio, fons, and sandra would as well. the cleaner supervisor leads daily devotionals with the cleaners. i'm excited because today, sergio, me, and a couple others are going to go to the cheese museum and tulip museum and then get apple pie afterwards. a couple days ago, sandra attended my bible study. after the bible study, we went out on the patio and i was able to talk and pray for her. it was sandra's last day yesterday and she has gone to the Scarlet Cord, an organization that helps women from the red light district. there is so much more that i could say, but i guess all i want to write is to ask you to pray for her. 

my time at the hostel has allowed me to get to know the backpackers as well. most of the people who come through are young college students who are backpacking through europe. this week, i was able to meet vivienne. i spent the day with her at the dutch resistance museum and as we were walking back to the hostel, asked her if she wanted to come to my bible study. she instantly replied that she wasn't into that sort of thing. another traveler i met was a guy named stephan. abby (one of my dear teammates) and I were able to eat dinner with him and hang out with him. he claimed he was a christian but it seemed like he was still searching. i pray that both vivienne and stephan would go away having been touched by this hostel and its staff members. 

one person that i've been able to work with has been Kenan, a brazilian who came to christ only a few years ago when he was a cleaner. he is now a staff member, and works in the cafe with me. this is kinda embarrassing, but i was being emotional at the beginning of the week and ended up crying in front of him. he looked at me kindly and silently and then replied that there was a house of prayer that i might be interested in. to make a long story short, i was able to go with him to ywam's house of prayer yesterday. at the beginning of my stay in amsterdam (before we went to belgium), my team and I stayed at Shelter City. one thing that i've chided myself on is how we went through the red light district. i told myself afterwards that if possible, i wouldn't bike through that area for the rest of my stay in amsterdam. well, ywam's house of prayer is located in the red light district and when i arrived at the house of prayer, i found out that they were beginning their worship and intercession set for the red light district and for the women working behind the windows. i'm not sure what the lord has planned but i feel the spirit working. 

even though there are pockets of darkness, the christians here live daily reflecting Christ's light. god is good, all the time. all the time, god is good. 

your sister in christ, grace.

update #1 (May 26)

Hi friends and family. My team and I (along with 22 other YHMers) have settled-down in Shelter City Christian Hostel in Amsterdam. This city is so beautiful - one canal after another marks the cobbled streets of Amsterdam. After two days,  I can say with some assurance that Amsterdam is a maze of streets and canals. I say this from experience! However, it's a wonderful place to get lost in (apart from the Red Light District). Here a couple other observances:

-The smell of pot blankets the city

-So-called "coffeeshops" are found on every corner

-The people here treat the coffeeshops and Red Light District nonchalantly

-There is a sense of carefree and lazy atmosphere (perhaps this is due more to the sunny weather)

-Bikes, bikes, and more bikes

Today, my team and I got to take a city tour that took us through most parts of the city. Our tour guide talked a lot about "tolerance" and how the city's values are very much rooted in tolerating certain lifestyles. This is apparent in the acceptance of marijuana usage and legal prostitution. He described the women working at the Red Light District as strong and independent women making a living for themselves. I became even more disheartened when our guide ended the tour by saying that due to sex and drugs, the prosperity of these industries benefited everyone. Right now, I am chewing on what tolerance means for a Christian and non-Christian. The tolerance that the tour guide speaks of is allowing people to live their lives as they see fit. But from what I can see, the women (and yes, men) working behind the windows are not independent at all. By tolerating certain behaviors, I can only come to the conclusion that the brokenness in these women are exploited. Oh, how Jesus must weep. The Red Light district is a mere minute away from Shelter City Hostel. As we were passing through a small section, I made sure to pray (and keep my eyes on the ground) for the women behind the windows. Truth is so skewed here - please pray that God would continue to give my team and I discernment. Specifically, I want God to give me His heart for the people in this city. I don't want to become desensitized to the brokenness in this city. I want my heart to break each time I walk through Amsterdam, because God's heart is surely broken over the men seeking out these Red Light district workers as well as the women themselves.

I am so appreciative of City Hostel and Jordan hostel - both hostels are Christian and are run by the same people. Seriously, I think I'll come to know these places as safe havens and as a place where I can truly rest and worship with the Christians working here. To be a little more clear, I'll be working at Shelter Jordan Hostel with my team of four. The rest of the girls will be working at Shelter City hostel. I got to visit Shelter Jordan Hostel today and the Willenstraght (the house where us 8 girls will be staying along with many other Christian workers from all around the world). Some of my jobs will include heading up bible studies, working at the front desk and cafe, and of course talking to the traveling community and telling them about this amazing man named Jesus. Something that I've been asking the Lord to give me is a servant's heart. Not only do I want to share the Gospel, but I want my actions to truly overflow with love. Thus, I ask the Lord to humble me.

 Tomorrow, new adventures begin as our YHM group of 26 breaks off. A team of four will be going to Germany, while another team will be going to Spain, etc., These teams will eventually settle down in Prague and Bergen. My team and I are headed off to Belgium for a week. We'll be back next Sunday to work and live in Amsterdam for 8 or so weeks. Keep praying that the Lord would use us and draw more and more people to himself. Even though I am only one person, I know that God's army goes before me, before our group of 26. The prayers that you pray are lifted up - please continue to pray for us. May the Lord be glorified in ALL that we do. He is worthy.

 My love goes to each of you guys. May the Lord fill you with his love and with the Holy Spirit.

In Christ Alone, Grace Hong

pre-YHM thoughts

Why am I doing Youth Hostel Ministry?

I know that there is good reason as to why the Lord placed me to serve 8 weeks in the city of Amsterdam. I don't want to go into this city with my preconceived thoughts and perceptions - i want the Lord to show me his heart for this city. I want the Lord to show me the facets of Amsterdam that he delights in as well as the ones in which his heart is broken over. As I pray for this city and as I share the Gospel with the traveling community, I want the Holy Spirit to lead me. I feel like God has been preparing me for this mission in so many ways. In the last six months, God has revealed to me deep-rooted sins in my own heart. In a nutshell, He has worked his ministry in my heart and taught me more about my brokenness and what his death on the cross means in my own life. I wrestled with internal sins/slavery, but I know that the forms of slavery I'll be seeing in Amsterdam will be more explicit. I have no basis for condemnation. God, you've been training me even while I've been home these past two weeks. You've been showing me how you detest pride. and yes, opportunities to serve are lost when i place myself above others. I ask that you would humble me. Holy Spirit, lead me as I share the Gospel with others. I want to be so in tune with you during the entirety of this ministry.

It's the eve before I head to Chicago and then to Europe. Here's my itinerary:
May 23 - Arrive in Chicago, USA
May 25 - Arrive in Amsterdam, Netherlands
May 27 - Bruges, Belgium
May 30 - Antwerp, Belgium
June 3 - Amsterdam, Netherlands
June 25 - Hurlach, Germany (Midsummer Retreat)
June 30 - Amsterdam, Netherlands
July 31 - Haarlem, Netherlands
Aug. 2 - Chicago, USA
Aug.2 - Los Angeles, California

Lord, i'm sorry that I don't show more of your love to my sister. whenever i'm with her, my heart feels remarkably sad and heavy. Oh, Lord, i see this orphan spirit in her as well. her spirit has lived alone far too long. draw her near to you. i only wish that she would know of the love that you have for her. i only wish that she would taste the living water that you offer her. God, what can i do but pray for her? i can offer her nothing else. you alone can meet her where she's at. i cry silent tears yet my heart rejoices with the knowledge that God's restoration is near.

even when the people around me have moved on, i will be persistent in pursuing them. and if this is too much, i will make it known to them that i am right here whenever they need me. even when i don't want to love them, i will continue to ask God to first change me and have his love for them overflow through me. God is patient, and He is slowly but surely working in me. I don't want to be the kind of person to withhold love or compassion from somebody simply because I don't feel a certain type of positive emotion. Jesus calls us to love one another - i wish i saw more of this unceasing type of love for others in myself. too often my love for others is wrapped up in self-gain and an ego-boost. shallow, right? my perception of love is skewed. but i don't despair because God has shown me, has shown us love that is true and pure. God desires for me to have agape love towards those I encounter.

in contrast to what i see in myself, i see something beautiful in You

Wonderful excerpt from Mere Christianity

To become new men means losing what we now call 'ourselves'. Out of our selves, into Christ, we must go. His will is to become ours and we are to think His thoughts, to 'have the mind of Christ' as the Bible says. And if Christ is one, and if He is thus to be 'in' us all, shall we not be exactly the same? It certainly sounds like it; but in fact it is not so.

It is difficult here to get a good illustration; because, of course, no other two things are related to each other just as the Creator is related to one of His creatures. But I will try two very imperfect illustrations which may give a hint of the truth. Imagine a lot of people who have always lived in the dark. You come and try to describe to them what light is like. You might tell them that if they come into the light that same light would fall on them all and they would all reflect it and thus become what we call visible. Is it not quite possible that they would imagine that, since they were all receiving the same light, and all reacting to it in the same way (i.e. all reflecting it), they would all look alike? Whereas you and I know that the light will in fact bring out, or show up, how different they are. Or again, suppose a person who knew nothing about salt. You give him a pinch to taste and he experiences a particular strong, sharp taste. You then tell him that in your country people use salt in all their cookery. Might he not reply 'In that case I suppose all your dishes taste exactly the same: because the taste of that stuff you have just given me is so strong that it will kill the taste of everything else.' But you and I know that the real effect of salt is exactly the opposite. So far from killing the taste of the egg and the tripe and the cabbage, it actually brings it out. They do not show their real taste till you have added the salt. (Of course, as I warned you, this is not really a very good illustration, because you can, after all, kill the other tastes by putting in too much salt, whereas you cannot kill the taste of a human personality by putting in too much Christ. I am doing the best I can.)

It is something like that with Christ and us. The more we get what we now call 'ourselves' out of the way and let Him take us over, the more truly ourselves we become. There is so much of Him that millions and millions of 'little Christs', all different, will still be too few to express Him fully. He made them all. He invented - as an author invents characters in a novel - all the different men that you and I were intended to be. In that sense our real selves are all waiting for us in Him. It is not good trying to 'be myself' without Him. The more I resist Him and try to live on my own, the more I become dominated by my own heredity and upbringing and surroundings and natural desires. In fact what I so proudly call 'myself' becomes merely the meeting place for trains of events which I never started and which I cannot stop. What I call 'My wishes' become merely the desires thrown up by my physical organism or pumped into me by other men's thoughts or even suggested to me by devils. Eggs and alcohol and a good night's sleep will be the real origins of what I flatter myself by regarding as my own highly personal and discriminating decision to make love to the girl opposite to me in the railway carriage. Propaganda will be the real origin of what I regard as my own personal political ideas. I am not, in my natural state, nearly so much of a person as I like to believe: most of what I call 'me' can be very easily explained. It is when I turn to Christ, when I give myself up to His Personality, that I first begin to have a real personality of my own.

At the beginning I said there were Personalities in God. I will go further now. There are no real personalities anywhere else. Until you have given up your self to Him you will not have a real self. Sameness is to be found most among the most 'natural' men, not among those who surrender to Christ. How monotonously alike all the great tyrants and conquerors have been: how gloriously different are the saints.

But there must be a real giving up of the self. You must throw it away 'blindly' so to speak. Christ will indeed give you a real personality: but you must not go to Him for the sake of that. As long as your own personality is what you are bothering about you are not going to Him at all. The very first step is to try to forget about the self altogether. Your real, new self (which is Christ's and also yours, and yours just because it is His) will not come as long as you are looking for it. It will come when you are looking for Him. Does that sound strange? The same principle holds, you know, for more everyday matters. Even in social life, you will never make a good impression on other people until you stop thinking about what sort of impression you are making. Even in literature and art, no man who bothers about originality will ever be original: whereas if you simply try to tell the truth (without caring twopence how often it has been told before) you will, nine times out of ten, become original without ever having noticed it. The principle runs through all life from top to bottom. Give up yourself, and you will find your real self. Lose your life and you will save it. Submit to death, death of your ambitions and favorite wishes every day and death of your whole body in the end: submit with every fiber of your being, and you will find eternal life. Keep back nothing. Nothing that you have not given away will be really yours. Nothing in you that has not died will ever be raised from the dead. Look for yourself, and you will find in the long run only hatred, loneliness, despair, rags, ruin, and decay. But look for Christ and you will find Him, and with Him everything else thrown in (Mere Christianity, 224-227).

i just want a heart that is fully in love

Burn your love upon my heart like a seal
That in the floods of persecution it's real
Set your love upon my heart like a seal
That in the floods of your presence it's real
God I cry out for fire - Come set your seal upon me

(Come and take Your place in the center of our hearts
We were made for You Jesus)

it's only been a couple of days since I've been home but Satan has been quick to start his spiritual attacks. I am home and am definitely in spiritual warfare right now. My first night I dreamt that I was by my mom's side. She wasn't well, and I started praying for her out loud in my dream. At that moment, I felt something physically being stuffed down my throat that made it so I couldn't pray. I woke up from my sleep and my hands went to my throat. I know that during my time here, Satan wants to silence me. I need to be filled with the Holy Spirit and cling unto the Word every single day. Truth is so skewed here. The Bible is truth and I need to make sure I am spending time in the Word everyday.

My heart weeps because the church here is sleeping. I saw this at my church yesterday. The congregation is spiritually sleeping. Even during my time here, I know how Satan will try to get me to be ineffective. While I'm here for the next two weeks, I need to make sure to stick to a couple of things, such as going to early morning prayer service every morning, reading the bible/spending time with God everyday, obeying my mom and saying 'yes' to everything that she asks me to do, to name a few. this is all necessary training before i leave for amsterdam. at the end of the day, i'm not sure what will have been harder: my time here in utah or the 10 weeks in amsterdam. i feel like satan has put a spell over this valley and that everyone slumbers away oblivious to their current state. it's frightening. Awake, church. awake, people of God. awake, awake, awake.

i can conclude that with the end of freshman year, i am no longer the same person. 

O taste and see that the Lord is good. 

God: Be still and know that I am God.
me: Okay God.

one of those days

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in

my heart)i am never without it(anywhere

i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done

by only me is your doing,my darling)

i fear no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want

no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)

and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart) -e.e. cummings 

My heart and flesh cry out,
For You the living God

God is good, all the time; all the time, God is good

these past few weeks have been draining. i feel like i've been under the scalpel... heart surgery. i thought that i was healed of my past - boy, was i wrong. i started college with residuals of the past and now that my freshman year is almost over, i realize that God wants to completely free me from the various forms of bondage that i've been under. i'm resurfacing and God has been teaching me more about myself.. i don't want to go into too much detail, but He's shifting the way i perceive him. whenever i turn to this one thing, i am allowing myself to believe in the lies that Satan has planted in my head. for example, when people turn to alcohol, drugs, sex, what have you, they're allowing themselves to believe in the lie that these things will bring them security and comfort, etc. by turning to anything that is not God, we're saying that God is not big enough to sustain and provide for us. i've been under this so-called "orphan-mentality" for a while now, and God has been opening my eyes to it. no. get behind me Satan. God, i ask that you would continue breaking these lies. i want to solely depend on you; provide for me in the ways only you can. I ask for truth; your Word is truth. You are truth.

does my current situation align with your faithfulness?

Lord, you are faithful with both the little and big things. i know this because i've experienced your faithfulness so profoundly in my life. 

one thing i don't want to do is sit around passively waiting for these things to come to pass.

like Jacob, i will wrestle with God and hold on to Him.
God wants to break us in order to bless us. break my fear. break my pride. break my idols. break the areas in which i seek satisfaction. break me. 

i don't know what else to do but hold on to you Lord. 

hear my prayers. feel the anguish in my heart. see these tears. 

it's in your graciousness that you hear and listen. 

i will continue to lift these prayers up to you.
protect my sister from the evil one.
oh, Father, do not forget her.
your promise of restoration.

i have no words - it seems like the only thing i can do is cry out before God these days. 

The LORD reigns; let the earth be glad;

let the distant shores rejoice.

Clouds and thick darkness surround him;

righteousness and justice are the foundation of his throne.

Fire goes before him

and consumes his foes on every side.

His lightning lights up the world;

the earth sees and trembles.

The mountains melt like wax before the LORD,

before the LORD of all the earth. 

The heavens proclaim his righteousness,

and all peoples see his glory. 

psalm 97

today

Jenny:

My new bedroom

Me:

Congrats. It looks awesome.

Can't wait to see you - i'll be home May 4.

Me:

I'm going to jump on your bed!! :)

Jenny:

Haha. Me too!

My heart cries for you.

It's been too long, and as your sister, I yearn to meet with you.

every heartbeat for you.

Lord, you keep sending this verse to me:

For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery. [gal. 5:1]

i've been struggling with a certain sin for 6 years now. When You died on the cross, you came out victorious. In exchange for my sins, you gave me freedom. Freedom. What does that look like in my life? You tell me it's time to surrender; Lord, yes. i don't want to deal with it on my own anymore.

My heart is heavy because the people around me carry hidden sins and are yoked to slavery - whether they know it or not. Brothers and sisters, i tell you, Christ has set us free.

Community Work Day

when we try to deal with sin, we deal with it superficially. before you know it, it comes back bigger and nastier than before. the weeds i pulled out today were a reminder of how sin needs to be extracted by the root. at first, i felt victorious over the weeds i pulled out - only later did i realize that i had pulled them out surface-level. i was a bit aghast at how extensive roots can get; i guess sin works the same way. we think we can handle sin and take it out - but we can only get so far before we need God to point out hidden areas where sin is thriving and be the one to extract it from our hearts. just some stuff that the Lord was teaching me today.. i am so exhausted. today, i did yard work for 8 hours and was vastly dominated by the wild.

Picture taken by my friend, Audra Brady

My heart overflows with a pleasing theme; I address my verses to the King; my tongue is like the pen of a ready scribe -Psalm 45:1

My heart delights in You, Father. Take this cup of worship.

Do surgery on my heart and extract the root of this sin. My sin is black - yes, Lord, you didn't die on the cross for trivial sins. You knew exactly how ugly, how detestable, how shameful my rags would be. This is my brokenness. This is my stumbling block. You came knowing just how deep this sin was, you died on the cross so that I would have freedom. the more i see my brokenness, the more I see how beautiful you are.

Thank you for tearing the veil.

Thank you for conquering death.

Holy to the Lamb who was slain - you rose on this day with glorious power and majesty.

I got to sit on the floor and do homework in front of this view at Buswell today.

Yesterday, I finished reading the Voyage of the Dawn Treader. I don't think I've read a book (apart from the Bible) that has captivated me so much. I had to read it for Evangelism - i'm not really sure why Root wanted us to read this book for his class but it definitely has a ton of Christian symbolism packed into it. I know Root is a fan of C.S. Lewis so he probably just threw it into the curriculum just for the heck of it. I'll read it again this summer and give it to someone I meet in Europe.

Some other thoughts:

-I can't express how much I love the Old Testament. Sure, the New Testament is just as great as the OT but I've got a soft spot in my heart for the latter.

-This is random and out of the blue but last week I got to have lunch with my Old Testament professor. We somehow got on the topic of marriage and he gave me some good advice and told me that I should visit the guy's family for a week and see how he treats his mother and the rest of his family.

On another note, I hope that the person I end up marrying loves God more than he loves me. I will point-blank tell him this. "So-and-so, promise me you'll love God more than me".

living water

The King took the bucket in both hands, raised it to his lips, sipped, then drank deeply and raised his head. His face was changed. Not only his eyes but everything about him seemed to be brighter.

"Yes," he said, "it is sweet. That's real water, that. I'm not sure that it isn't going to kill me. But it is the death I would have chosen - if I'd known about it till now."

"What do you mean?" asked Edmund.

"It - it's like light more than anything else," said Caspian.

"That is what it is," said Reepicheep. "Drinkable light. We must be very near the end of the world now."

There was a moment's silence and then Lucy knelt down on the deck and drank from the bucket.

"It's the loveliest thing I have ever tasted," she said with a kind of gasp. "But oh - it's strong. We shan't need to eat anything now."

And one by one everybody on board drank. And for a long time they were all silent. They felt almost too well and strong to bear it; and presently they began to notice another result. As I have said before, there had been too much light ever since they left the island of Ramandu - the sun too large (though not too hot), the sea too bright, the air too shining. Now, the light grew no less -if anything, it increased- but they could bear it. They could look straight up at the sun without blinking. They could see more light than they had ever seen before. And the deck and the sail and their own faces and bodies became brighter and brighter and every rope shone. And next morning, when the sun rose, now five or six times its old size, they stared hard into it and could see the very feathers of the birds that came flying from it.

i was walking along and something fantastic caught my eye: an orange caught on a branch!

funny how it doesn't look so out of place up there.

For my evangelism class, I have to respond to at least one email through global mission outreach everyday. I opened my inbox, and lo and behold - someone responded back to me! His name is Alex and he lives in Kenya.

This is the email I just sent him:

Dear Alex,

It's so encouraging to hear back from you! Today I was walking with my friend and talking to her about how God continues the good work that He has started within us. We couldn't remember what verse in the BIble that it was from. Later in the day, I went to a prayer chapel to spend time with God. After I prayed, I grabbed a bible that happened to be nearby and opened it. When I opened the BIble, my eye went straight to Philippians 1:6, which says "And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ". After I read this, I started laughing with joy. Not only did I open the Bible to Philippians, but God drew my eye right to the verse.

Alex, the Lord will continue the good work he has started in you. Is there anything you are struggling with that I can be praying for you about? Hosanna to the Most Highest. Let us focus on our Savior this week.

In Christ alone, Grace

hurrah!!

“If I find in myself desires which nothing in this world can satisfy, the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world.” -C.S. Lewis

because we were made for heavenly things..

we were made for a heavenly being.

flashback

joy is the simplest form of gratitude. -Karl Barth

a smattering of thoughts:

casual observation #1: last night i ended up going to the gospel choir cd release party at the billy graham museum. it was a spontaneous decision, and i had already eaten dinner (dinner was being served there to those who had bought a ticket). i often go to the chapel in the museum to pray and run across the guy working at the desk. he is friendly, and waves at me whenever i pass by. anyways, last night he was working at the desk and i asked him if i could get him some dinner. haha i didn't mean it to be awkward but i think he might have taken it the wrong way. maybe he thought i had ulterior motives? i wish i could serve others without coming across as creepy. but then it wasn't so awkward because i paused and then started talking to him in korean. first off, he's in the grad school. second off, he is korean. at least i made a new friend last night. i also realized that my korean has taken a turn for the worse. hm..

today, i am thankful for the sunlight outside. how it falls a certain way on the blooms and blossoms and illuminates the flowers and trees. i'm really thankful for banana honey peanut butter sandwiches (had one for brunch).

also- talked to eric last night & he told me what God was teaching him. The Lord is faithful to us and keeps us accountable to him. we're not left up to our own antics - he is always drawing us to him. yes, we have free will and ultimately are left with the decision to follow or not but when we do, God in turn always follows through and stirs in our heart a desire for more. The desire for Him is from Him. I love God because the love i have for him is completely beyond my understanding - it's deep calling out to deep. he called me to Him - grace, i want a personal relationship with you. i know you, i created you, i sent my son to die on the cross for you. Lord, you sent your son to die on the cross for me. You desired to take my sin and place it on your shoulders. i weep because your love is so vast and i'll never truly know all of it while i'm here.

Yes, i believe that your joy is in me.

must. be productive. today! ! !

on a side note, i think God is really taking ownership of my future. He's keeping me in the dark and I think he likes that i keep asking him questions about my major and next year's extracurriculars. through various people, God keeps telling me that i'm a blank slate, and that he wants to create something beautiful on this white canvas. a few months back, my mom went to a prayer mountain in california and when i got a chance to talk to her, she told me that God had shown her what i would be doing in the future. i believe her exact words were, "haesoo, you're not going to like what i have to say." really, God? something to do with the medical profession? but surely by your wisdom it's possible. i could go on and on about how physics was the death of me in high school and of how it's likely that chemistry will be the death of me in college. but if it's your will God, i will follow. because in the end, i have no claim over my future - do with it as you will. i surrender.

God gives us things we don't even ask for and it is the Father's great delight to give us the kingdom.

a prayer

THE LORD, THE LORD, A GOD GRACIOUS AND MERCIFUL, SLOW TO ANGER, AND ABOUNDING IN STEADFAST LOVE AND FAITHFULNESS. -Exodus 34:6

Soak in the loveliness of this verse. Drink it in, stamp it on your heart - it describes a facet of who God is.

God, your word is lovely. I would much rather run to your word than to anyone else. Take me deeper - I ask for more revelation. My soul longs to be where you are. Show me how to live in this broken world, among these broken people. Abba, show me how to live with myself. Let my life be a testimony to your graciousness, to your mercifulness, to your compassion, to your steadfast love, to your faithfulness. Give me more of your heart. Sit on a throne in my heart.

Someone wise once told me that the lives we live are a journey to discover more of God's love for ourselves and for others.

there are times when we want to run from the darkness. the darkness crouches at our door - it awaits, ready to consume. there were times when i embraced the darkness, when i withdrew into the space in my heart where the shadows curled around me. but i wasn't consumed. No, even during those times God was protecting me. i was securely nestled in his palm. and it's only in retrospect that i realize that i wasn't running from the darkness or even drowning in the darkness. i was facing the darkness, and running towards the dawn.

i repent, Lord. i repent because today, someone stopped to talk to me and the entire time i was thinking about the work i had to get done. Father, i couldn't even spare 10 minutes for this person. she was telling me about what she was going through and i just wanted to move on and extract myself from the conversation. i'm reminded today of my selfishness. really, how is it possible to meet the needs of others when i'm consumed with thoughts about myself? father, i repent. i repent for loving myself more than my neighbor. the fact is, my love for others should be increasing as my love for You deepens. Oh, Lord, that my selfishness would be far from me.

today, i pray that i would be heaven-minded. that i would have a heavenly perspective on earthly reality (taken from pastor mitch ;)).

ate lunch with coco yesterday and she mentioned that there is no such thing as being uncool. in the end, it's about meeting people's needs. for instance, during spring break i got to meet up with my cousin at a small cafe. i ended up having such a blessed time. later, when she was dropping me off at church, she looked at me and said that she had a small gift for me. she pulled out a gift-wrapped tube of lotion and said that she had noticed that i never put lotion on my hands. i was so taken aback, and so thankful that she had gone out of her way to do something as small as buying lotion for me. on top of that, she said that she had gotten a smaller tube so that i could carry it on the plane. it's a small illustration but it goes to show just how unobservant i am of people's needs. God!! continue to teach me and show me Your heart for others. saturate me with more of Your love, that it would overflow into other's life in whatever shape or form that may be.

lately, i've been reminiscing about what happened in LA. i wish that i had agape love towards the asian fellowship here on campus. i need to keep praying.. for some reason, God keeps drawing me back to this fellowship, even though i feel uncomfortable at times. honestly, my thoughts are scrambled and i'm not sure in what way God wants to grow me or what relationships He wants to cultivate in this particular group. i'm not going to worry too much about it - God knows what He's doing.

Oh God, I really like you. Your love is unfathomable.

I want more. everywhere i look, i see Your love pressing in.

Lord, You are good. You are so good. Who am i to come before You and sit before You? I am unworthy. But Lord, it's not anything I've done. It's Your character. It's Your desire to see me worshipping You. I come alive when I worship You, Lord. Oh, God. You are so beautiful. I forget so easily, but You never change. You remain the same. There's so much more. Lord, You are infinite. I rejoice because just when I think I understand You, You show me otherwise. No, Lord, I don't know You at all. But You desire to show me more of who You are. I am on a marvelous journey to know You and the love that You have for me and for others.

God, I saw and experienced a bit of Your heart tonight. The Spirit wept and with anguish and groaning I cried out. Thank You for using me to intercede for Your people here in Los Angeles. When I fell to the ground and called out Your name, I was once again reminded of what you created me to be - a worshipper.

Lord, how i delight and rejoice as member of the body of christ. The love that I have for my brothers and sisters is a love that overflows from within me. It's Your love. God. Oh, God. It's Your love. Agape love. The love that I have for Hea Bin jdsn, for instance. For Joseph, for Jieun & Clare, for Sungho & Anthony, among many others.

Holy, holy, holy, is the Lord God Almighty, who was, and is, and is to come.

God. i thought that loving my dad would come naturally as our relationship got better. The thing is, I can't even love him without your love. it seems like all i know how to do is love myself. break me, Lord. humble me - i need You more than i know. it seems like i've been trying to sustain myself during my time here. foolish.

I thank you for who You are. God, i don't even know who you are. who am i to say that i know you simply because i know how to pray and worship a certain way? show me how to revere you, how to fear you.

i am still before you.

To the woman he said,

"I will surely multiply your pain in childbearing; in pain you shall bring forth children.

Your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you."

this verse makes me incredibly wistful as well as sad. our desire was once for God, not for man. we were created to desire God with all of our soul, with all of our thoughts and emotions, with every inhale and exhale. with all of our strength... man should be the secondary, not the primary recipient of our affections. so. what now?

I ask you - let my desire be for you. Truly, you shaped me to love you wholeheartedly.

we sat in shadow, and then lightness. i sat there feeling out of place. God, i lift up relationships to you. i want to be challenged by this group. their love for you is so deep; i want to learn more about You through them.

stop. something catches my eye - i look up and see the sky through the window in the ceiling. clear light filters through and bathes us in light.

You are so beautiful, God. even the sun and sky speak of your majesty and glory.