No Sound But a Cry

Today, I woke up and my anxiety was there. I tried to shake it off, and usually morning routines like making pour-over coffee and spending time with the Lord help. I did some stretches while tuning in on my church service; eventually, I transitioned to lighting a candle, turning on worship music and just laying there. 

Usually, running helps. I went for a run in the afternoon and halfway through, I started to hyperventilate. And then you know, one thing led to another and there I was, running and crying while gasping for air. I think to myself, Grace, you should really call someone. But I don't want to call anyone because I don't know how I would be able to express the inexpressible pain I sometimes feel deep down in my chest. It's the kind of pain that expresses itself in a cry: visceral, guttural, raw, laced with all the buried and unacknowledged nuances of past and present pain. A kind of cry that jolts me awake and reminds me that there are pieces of me that are stuck in the past. And as much as I sound like a broken record, what brings me back to the present is putting one foot in front of the other and continuing to run. 

Lord, I thank you that you are not a stranger to pain. You are not a stranger to the type of alienation that characterizes pain. As much as my pain is singularly my own, you above all others know exactly what I am thinking and what I am feeling. The invitation to come and lay this broken heart and this broken spirit down at the foot of the cross beckons me once again. So I run to you, and come just as I am. 

The Peace You Bring

Growing up, the holidays were never really a thing in my family. I actually remember crying a lot whenever Christmas rolled around. As a kid, Christmas was always this stark juxtaposition of what I saw on TV/what was advertised, what was portrayed in my friends' families and what was my lived out reality. This juxtaposition of what I longed for - a tight-knit family - and what existed around me would always result in a volcanic eruption of emotions on this particular day. There were times when in my more shallow moments, I uttered in my heart screw you, baby Jesus. All I want for Christmas is a dad who never left and a sister who was around. 

While I've mellowed out a bit since my teenage years, my recognition of Christmas for what it truly is continues to become evermore refined. Simply put, Christmas this year looks and feels different. I'm stuck in Chicago, away from my mom and sister, spending Christmas Eve and Christmas Day by myself. Does the lack of the presence of family members, copious amounts of presents, health, etc. etc. (the list could go on indefinitely), negate Christmas? No, it doesn't.  Does the lack of all these things bring to hyper-focus the essence of Christmas? Wow, it's with resounding enthusiasm that I say yes. The gift that God knew I needed would burst onto the scene of humanity, a gift whose presence would never leave my side. A person that continues to walk closely with me day in and day out, not just on those past Christmases where I felt the brokenness in myself and in my family keenly. Jesus, you are everything I ever needed and everything I always wanted. It is simply you, nothing more and nothing less. 

Why I Love Christ

 Lord, you love me more than I love myself. When I berate myself and get sucked into believing lies that I am not worthy and that there is something intrinsically wrong with me, you reach out and draw me into your embrace. 

You find me at the foot of the cross and if it's one thing I know too deeply about myself, it is that I am time and time again unsatisfied and uncomfortable in the restlessness. So I draw near and Christ in his mercy allows me to rest awhile. 

I find John Piper's words to be a startling revelation of what it means to follow Christ and walk with Him. Piper says, "when you become a Christian - a disciple of Jesus - you do not become his helper. He becomes your helper. You do not become his benefactor. He becomes your benefactor. You do not become his servant. He becomes your servant. Jesus does not need your help; he commands your obedience and offers his help." 

Don't get confused - Piper's intention behind his words isn't a nod to living for yourself and manipulating Christ for your own needs. Rather, I think what Piper is getting at is this: when you die to yourself and surrender all that you are to the Lord, he shows up in ways that you can't even imagine. He blesses you with his presence and with a love that is so profound that it fills the aching, restless, tired heart. You begin to realize that nothing on this earth can satisfy or heal you like the love of Christ. 

So once again, I draw near. And I pray that the Lord would continue to complete what he has set out to accomplish. 

Not Just For Me

I was having my cup of coffee this morning and was sitting still before the Lord when I heard resounding shots go off. My initial thoughts were that those shots were too close to home. I ran to my bedroom window and as I looked out, saw a red compact car accelerate backwards down our one-way street. At the same time, I heard shouts and a wailing sound. Indeed, a man had gotten shot only a few doors down. I grabbed my roommate and we started to pray and within moments we heard an ambulance and various police vehicles turn down our street. I observed a medical gurney being pulled out of the ambulance and then shortly after, a man being lifted unto it. My roommate went outside and came back with news that the man had gotten shot in his right thigh and that it wasn't a critical injury. We prayed again and prayed for the injured man and the person in the red car. We prayed that the Lord's Kingdom would become a reality in North Lawndale. As I prayed, I was reminded once again that prayer is not an indulgence; no, prayer is Kingdom work that requires consistency, persistency, and boldness (thank you Pastor Peter for the timely sermon on prayer yesterday). I pray because I believe that God's sovereignty is not so far removed that he does not hear or act on the prayers of the righteous. I pray because he is Immanuel - God with us. God who hears the cries of broken people. God who is merciful, compassionate, slow to anger. Abundant in love and zealous for his glory. God of justice. God who does not turn away, but draws near. 

Thankful List

 -Last night's table hangout w my housemates (basically where we all spontaneously end up at the dining table and talk)

-Meredith texted me last night saying, "Grace, can we FaceTime?!" She and Kate separately nominated me to get a free haircut with a celebrity hair stylist here in Chicago and my name got picked. WOWZA! I was so blown away that they would think of me. I honestly get my haircuts via whatever cheap GroupOn is available so this should definitely be a treat haha. Also, it was so lovely to see Meredith. I really miss all of my Philz friends. 

-The testing team is working from home today! Our assigned testing site cancelled on us last minute yesterday and CDPH wasn't able to schedule us for today and so here I am, having another slow morning before my 9 am meeting with Alma and Meg. 

-Thankful for my life group and the consistency they bring

Thankful List

 -Grabbing coffee with Janet and Sharon and walking along the 606 this past weekend 

-Playing Spikeball with Sharon, Nate, and Josh yesterday (I was literally laughing the entire time. Note to self, play more spikeball with this crew). 

-Praying with Janet and Matt during our weekly leadership check-in. 

-I made my first spontaneous dance video and decided to show the world my moves. I'm thankful that I can worship the Lord through physical movement and expression, whether it's running or dancing. 

-Thankful for my friends Don and Amy - whenever they text me our thread is always so much fun and I end up laughing a lot.

It is Monday, Dec. 7, 2020. I am grateful for the Lord's sustaining hand. I'm grateful that I was able to get today off and can enjoy a slow morning with the Lord. 

Tears and All

 Somehow, the Lord sustained me through one of the toughest work weeks. Yesterday, we were back at the jail testing the detainees in their dormitories. At one point, some of the detainees got into a fight and the security guards started yelling, "get out! get out! get out now!" My entire team and I bolted for the door, and I'm pretty sure my heart rate jumped from 50 to 100 within those few minutes. When the guards started yelling at us to get out of the dormitory, my immediate thoughts were: What's going on? Did one of my teammates get hurt? Oh no oh no. My team and I ran out of the room and stood outside and witnessed the security guards rush into the dormitory and use pepper spray on the men who were part of the tussle. We watched the guards drag the men involved out of the room and into a different part of the facility. At that point, something inside me (a combination of adrenaline, exhaustion, stress, fear, anxiety, this overwhelming sense of my inability to do this job, my smallness even as I witnessed the volatile scene unfold in front of me) snapped. I stood there, tears streaming down my face. My kind friend and fellow nurse, Meg, held my hand and we stepped out to take a breather.

Later, I made a pit stop to get some coffee and as I waited for the barista to call my name, started crying again. I cried in the car. I made my way back to the hospital to get some other work stuff done and cried in our team's office. At one point, my other coworker, Maggie, called me and as she gave me some words of experience and kind wisdom, at which point I cried again. 

I cried because crying is my body externally expressing what it is internally feeling. I cried because this whole season has been a nonstop rollercoaster of trying to nip COVID in the bud, of fighting what seems like to be a losing battle, of endless monotony and at times moments that unveil the cruelty of this society and of this world. Holistically speaking, I am so very much exhausted. I can't do this. Lord, I can't do this.  Yet, underneath the surface, I sense that the Lord is continuing to sustain me. He sustained me that day, through the prayers that were prayed realtime by members of my life group and by my housemates, by the compassion shown to me by my team, by takeout food.

Tonight, I got to talk to CC, the worship leader at my church and someone who naturally exudes discernment and wisdom. I left the conversation truly encouraged; my spirits had lifted. I guess.. what I'm trying to get at is that it's true that I can't do this by myself. I need the Lord more than ever, I need my coworkers and colleagues, I need the body of Christ to walk with me in this season. 

Weeping Worship

 My neighbor texted me this today and I found it to be pretty relevant to this season:

"The secret to freedom from enslaving patterns of sin is worship. You need worship. You need great worship. You need weeping worship. You need glorious worship. You need to sense God's greatness and be moved by it - moved by who God is and what He has done for you." -TK 

I confess that this season of Advent finds me in a swell of apathy and restlessness. I'm running dry, and I realize that my hardness towards others is an external manifestation of my internal heart. Lord, I come before you once again because I need you. I need you to fill me up. I need you to remind me of how you see me. Not how the world sees me, not how others see me, not how friends and family see me, not how I see myself. How you see me. 

How do you see me? And this is where I sit still before the Lord and allow him to speak. 

When COVID-19 Strikes

It has been 13 weeks since I first started my job as a community health nurse at Rush University Medical Center. Specially, I got hired to be a part of a core team of COVID nurses to go out into the community to test at-risk and underserved congregate populations. Since August, my world has been composed of testing and doing public health surveillance at long-care term facilities, homeless encampments/shelters, substance abuse centers, domestic abuse shelters, detainee centers, among other congregate settings. Certainly, there are moments when I lay in bed, not wanting to go to work and not wanting to create another label, input data into RedCap, and swab another fidgety and anxious person. Recently, however, my myopic vision regarding testing and surveillance was greatly jolted and I am slowly beginning to realize that the work that my team and I are doing is crucial as a form of public intervention and social justice.

For me, this week was a catalyst in expanding my perspective for a variety of reasons. First, my team and I (and a group of volunteer medical residents/students and nursing students) were assigned by the Chicago Department of Public Health to go test at a homeless shelter five minutes from where I live in North Lawndale. The minute we stepped into the shelter, something deep inside of me realized that this was an environment that very few chose to willingly venture into, and that the people who did step inside were those that fell under the category of outcast. I sat in the tension of swabbing person after person, locking eyes with individual after individual and reckoning with my own discomfort of being in that sort of setting and wanting to leave while also realizing that I had much to learn as a healthcare provider. I may have appeared externally to be doing a public service by testing this population, but I realized in that moment that my internal disposition was contradictory and that my heart was pretty distant from the heart of God. Indeed, it's slowly dawning on me that the opportunity that the Lord has given me to step into different spaces and brush shoulders with different populations must be done so with his heart. This is what initially motivated me to apply to nursing school, and this is what must continue to motivate my decision to serve the underserved. I desire to see the Lord in places and in people that society has forgotten.

In addition to testing at the aforementioned homeless shelter, a group of us also were assigned by CDPH to go to a detainee center to test approximately 800 detainees with the help of the UIC COVID team. Prior to testing the detainees, we were given some context by the in-house infectious disease doctor regarding the jail. Important to note is that a jail is different than a prison in that it is a place where individuals are detained pre-trial. Even more important to note is that 95% of detainees are there for non-violent offenses and that 42% are not convicted of the offense they were jailed for. The infectious disease doctor went on to inform us that the police department is quite separate from the sheriff's department and that the police department continues to unnecessarily arrest individuals at a rate that continues to overwhelm the holding facility.  This, along with the reality that courts are closed due to the pandemic, has resulted in an upsurge in this particular jail that has ultimately resulted in a petri-like environment that was the cause of a huge COVID outbreak (around 900) back in April. I found the following article https://www.healthaffairs.org/doi/full/10.1377/hlthaff.2020.00652 (sorry for not knowing how to hyperlink and for being too lazy to google a how to) interesting in that it "suggests that cycling people through Cook County Jail alone is associated with 15.7 percent of all documented COVID-19 cases in Illinois and 15.9 percent of all documented cases in Chicago as of April 19, 2020". Additionally, it is safe to say that the disproportionate intensity of policing and incarceration in black and brown neighborhoods is very much a factor in the disparate COVID cases in these communities. The individuals that are placed in this jail are susceptible to getting COVID and for spreading the virus back to their home communities upon discharge. Indeed, in the wake of a roaring pandemic, it is even more urgent and vital that the police department reexamines its reasons for initial arrest and existing incarceration policies.

On the second day of testing, my team and I stationed ourselves just outside of the double-tiered cells. There was one moment in particular that made me sit in silence and gaze at the scenario in front of me. Here we were, fully gowned up in PPE, going from door to door, swabbing the detainees who resided within each cell. It was a chilling scene, this moment where the unseen were for a brief second, seen. I was very much aware that this was a visual snapshot that I would carry with me forever. 

Is this a lot to sit with? Yes. It is. And yet, as I sat in the division testing the detainees, I realized that I must reckon with what is before me. I realize that the neighborhood I have lived in for these past five years is victim to mass incarceration and that it is futile to separately categorize where I live and where I work. Systemic racism is insidious because it does not simply involve one aspect of society - it is an interconnected web that intentionally disadvantages and harms black and brown communities on multiple levels. The injustices that always existed prior to COVID rise to heightened levels to became even more destructive in the wake of the pandemic. As a community health nurse, these realities urgently demand that I serve humbly and take into account the stories and histories of the communities I interact with. I realize that knowledge is power, and that there is a certain responsibility that comes with knowing. May I step into new opportunities to advocate for my community here on the Westside of Chicago. May I diligently label/RedCap/swab away, with the knowledge that my work is for a cause that is beyond my full comprehension.

Lastly, I would also like to note that the long list of judges that was on your ballot in this year's election is actually pretty important. It is the court and the judges that sit in those courts that determine certain policies that influence whether or not a person must be detained in a holding cell (versus being on house arrest, etc.). Also, I found this article a revealing spotlight on the voices of detainees: https://southsideweekly.com/not-getting-no-treatment-cook-county-jail-covid/

Second day of testing in the detainee recreational space 

Hope, a 4th-year Rush Medical Student, RedCapping 

Meg and I RedCapping 

Maggie & Alma

Taking a much needed socially distant break

When Desire Turns into Demand

 When I was back home in Salt Lake, my mom pointed out an interesting observation. One day, she looked at me and said, "Grace, do you know you cry out when you sleep?" I looked at her and shrugged my shoulders, "Yes? No? I don't know." My mom went out to say that for the past couple of days, I would cry out in the middle of the night in my sleep* and that she noticed that these cries weren't ones of anger or distress, but frustration. Her words made me think, and I couldn't help but resonate on some level. For a few months now I think I have carried a deep level of ambiguous dissatisfaction - nothing quite satisfies me and I keep wrestling with this void in myself, in my relationships with others, the list goes on. I am left wanting. And to some degree, these God-given desires for something more have grown into self-entitlement and constant grasping for [fill in the blank]. 

I am left wanting, because nothing can fill the void I feel at times. I think it's during these moments in my life that I am left with the cross and my palms wide open. I realize that when I demand things of God, I leave no room for his grace. I grow hard of heart, self-righteous, and cannot stop the downward spiral of discontentment. Perhaps what the Lord is asking of me this season is to simply place my desires at the foot of the cross, be brutally honest/repentant about my own pride and self-entitlement, and pray bold prayers that I would encounter his presence deeply this season. 

*I am currently reading a book on sleep ("Why We Sleep" by Matthew Walker), and there is a chapter in the book where Walker talks about what happens when we dream during REM sleep. Walker says that more than anything, it is the emotions experienced during our waking hours that are transferred to our dreams.

Thankful list

-Thankful for Don & Amy and for our dinner hangout this past Sunday 

-Getting to FaceTime Susie 

-Long walks in the park with Leah 

-For some reason, I just barely realized that I don't dance to the beat (my roommates kindly pointed out that I don't have any rhythm when I dance) so I've been trying to be more cognizant of how I move. I've been doing this thing where I close my eyes and just try to "feel" the music. Yesterday, I walked to the park and was jamming out and practicing some moves and it felt so good; I felt so free. 

-I went back to work today after a 18-day hiatus and I'm so thankful for my squad - these women make it all worth it! I realize that even as COVID counts accelerate here in Chicago, what I am doing is critical. I pray that I would make the most of the work that the Lord has given me, even if it's just for a season. 

-Mini Wellness Retreat at Rush - I'm so thankful that my place of employment values the wellbeing of its employees.

-Yesterday's LG meeting was so good - we dived into scripture and everyone had such good insight. So thankful for this group of people.

 things that give me joy:

-cooking and having people over for dinner 

-dancing, especially to this song: 

-i love waking up and starting my day with the lord. coffee with Jesus yes please. 

-going for long runs 

-laughing and being silly 

-simply being,  simply ceasing to strive and gain approval and affection. simply being and allowing Jesus' love to wash over me 

 God, I lift up to you this hard heart, this selfish heart, this grasping heart. This petty and fickle heart. This disbelieving, doubtful heart. This heart that does not wholeheartedly love you and loves others conditionally. Lord, have mercy on me. Holy Spirit, breathe new life - may the caves and valleys and deserts of my heart be filled with your presence. 

Where I'm From

Home is where knees hit the ground
where palms etched with psalms are lifted high 
and the utterances of '아버지' & '주님' are familiar cadences that roll off the tongue 

Home is sacred ground, 
the place where jars of tears spilled over to nourish the ground;

where faith was a glimmering thread that was never obscured 

by the dark dark night 

Home is three stories; three journeys intertwined - 

the backdrop of my gasp and cry 

I am from a place where the valleys and mountaintops collide,

where the all-consuming presence of God cannot be denied.

Thankful List

Wowza, what a busy week. Here goes my recent thankful list:

-Working my first 40-hour work week (the last of which was in 2017 prior to grad school!)  

-This past Tuesday's LG - I'm so thankful for all the new people who have joined our group. Super excited to get to know them this season. Thankful for the old members who have committed to another season of SG.         

-Thankful for my team at work and for how caring and supportive they are - I can't imagine working in such an intense work environment without Kate, Maggie, Alma, and Meg. Also, I have loved driving up north and along lakeshore in the mornings.    

-I got to go to a live sermon recording at church yesterday and it was so great. Pastor Peter preached on Spiritual Warfare and holy moly it was so good to just be in a shared space with a handful of people and be completely present. CC arrived late so I tried to emulate him and respond to the preaching by shouting out 'amens' and clapping. At the end of the recording, I looked sheepishly at Pastor Peter and was like "I tried my best" to which he laughed and responded, "Grace, I think you are the most emotive Asian American woman I know." Haha.                                                

-Got to spend the whole day yesterday w Alison running errands. Love this woman so much.           

-Today is Nastassja's baptism!! It's been such an honor and joy to walk with her this year and wow, this year is truly a celebration of God's resurrection power and glory. And his overwhelming, abundant love.   

-On a whim, I got on Hinge (yes, the dating app) this past week and it's been super fun just chatting with guys and getting to know different people. I've been going about it pretty lightheartedly; no expectations, just lifting it all up to the Lord. 

Prayer

I love prayer because it is a conduit through which I get to dialogue with the Lord. Prayer creates a space where I can come before him as his daughter with both general and specific requests. Prayer reminds me that the sovereign and omniscient God cares deeply about his children and loves to interact with them intimately. Prayer is powerful because when I pray for the Kingdom of God, I can be confident that not a single prayer is forgotten or brushed aside to collect dust; indeed, I am living in a moment where I am able to see God answer specific prayers that I have uttered for most of my life. I am living in a moment where I am able to see him answer my prayers regarding my sister and see him move in my sister in striking ways.

God, you are so good. Your plan will not be altered - your will will indeed be done. On earth as it is in heaven. 

<iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/s06UoQS0uAE" frameborder="0" allow="accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen></iframe>

Lord, help me to give you all of myself so that I can experience all of you. Humble me and increase my dependency on you this season, even as my life is starting to look very different from even a month ago. Help me to trust you in the transitions and may I once again lay everything down at the foot of the cross. May I be rooted in your unshakeable love for me; I pray all these things over myself and it's in Jesus' name I pray. Amen.

Scripture Spelunking

My friend Nastassja came over a few weeks ago and said she had a gift for me. She got me a bible, with fancy pens and highlighters to boot. She told me that the she felt prompted by the Lord to get me a bible - I sat there in amazement, not sure of what to say. This past year, I've spent more time in the word and in that moment when Nastassja handed me the gift-wrapped package, I felt this clear affirmation from the Lord that he was going to continue to grow me deeper in the word. Let me rewind: I didn't know Nastassja earlier this year, she came into my life because she encountered the Lord and her life was flipped upside down. She became a believer, and our lives intersected in the most crazy way. I've been hanging out with her this summer and for the first time, we got together last night to read the Bible together. Honestly, reading scripture has never really been a strong passion of mine. As I grow in my walk with the Lord, however, I am more and more convicted of my need for it in my life. Like daily. I am convicted that walking with the Lord is not just simply based on relative experiences and emotions (as beautiful and powerful as those are); no, my walk with him ultimately needs to be grounded on scripture. 

We spent two hours in Habbakuk and at one point, I looked up at her and exclaimed, "This is so weird, but I'm experiencing heart palpitations." I mean, it didn't hurt or anything. It just felt like my heart was jumping inside of my chest. Like in a really joyful way. And as Nastassja and I hung out and read Habbakuk together, I felt the joy of the Lord and my heart kept doing these little flips.

God's promises are fulfilled in and through Christ and are outlined in scripture. I desire for a deep deep hunger to know God - I want monotonous readings of scripture to be replaced by an unquenchable passion for his word. I want to know more of his love; I want to know more of his heart. Because to know God is to be changed by his love. There is no shame; there is no condemnation. It is God's love, not shame, that ushers you into his kingdom. 

A Prayer

 Lord, it feels good to sit before you and just be. Thank you for today. Thank you that my sister started her grad program this month and that both our journeys this past year have looked similar. Thank you that you've brought my family to where we are today. Lord, you are faithful and I want to remember these things and worship you. I'm speechless when I get texts from my sister that say she's been praying for me. My heart is amazed when she asks me to send more daily devotionals. She is not the same person; indeed, nor am I. So... When I grumble and cry out to you and ask you where you are or what you're doing, help me to remember. Help me to be confident in your timing and in your goodness. Who knows what other things you have planned for my family? I will continue to anchor my hopes in your faithfulness.

Overdue Update

 This week has been super busy: I started orientation via zoom as a new hire at RUMC this past Monday (fun fact, this day also happened to be the first day of school and my team and I along with many others around the world experienced zoom crash on us. I mean, let's be real, this was bound to happen at some point). The next day, I hit the ground running and went with the COVID Rapid Response Team to a long-term facility in Lakeview where we tested the residents and staff for COVID. Not going to lie, it was shocking to hear that the number of residents had decreased from 66 to 40-something since March; basically, about a third of the long-term residents had passed away from the virus. Woah, right? On Thursday, my team and I went to an encampment site (locations around the city where homeless individuals set up camp) and partnered with DFSS, Salvation Army, and Haymarket. We provided testing and believe me when I say that I'm NEVER ever going to complain about wearing one cloth mask. It's uncomfortable, but is it as uncomfortable as wearing an N95, surgical mask on top of the N95, face shield, yellow PPE gown in 95 degree weather outside? Nope. Not at all. I felt like an MMA fighter trying to lose water weight. Still, I'm thankful that we have the PPE to protect ourselves as we go from site to site. Word has it that my team and I will start testing staff in different corporations and I think the Chicago Symphony Orchestra even reached out to my boss to see if we could go and test the CSO staff members. 

All this to say, I'm thankful. I'm thankful to provide these services to vulnerable and high-risk populations. I'm thankful that for now, I've found my niche in nursing. I love the flexible scheduling, my badass team, the adrenaline rush of having a new site "secured" for testing (we are working closely with the Department of Public Health), the variety of places around Chicago I have the opportunity to go to.

How strange to look back to even the beginning of this year when I found myself confused and apathetic regarding nursing. I marvel at God's timing and how ultimately, it is an honor to trust him and simply walk with the Lord. So, cheers to what's up ahead. And to whoever reads this blog, if you could lift up a prayer that I don't get 'rona, that would be appreciated! 

All That I Am

It was no simple act when your exhalation sparked this spirit 
and pushed play on my existence; alpha and omega, my story intricately wrapped up in yours.       
It was no simple act when you caught me in the swell, when you drew me out

of fiery places; this life would not exist if not for you.                                                                                        

_________

I give to you what is rightfully yours: my resources, my relationships, my past, my present, the future, moments of doubt and moments of trust, a life of worship, my flesh and spirit, these decaying bones, this heart aflame. All that I am, Jesus.                                                                              

Kitchen Conversations

I like to think of myself as a transparent person and maybe even a vulnerable one; today's conversation in the kitchen with Emily made me realize that I am the former, but rarely at times the latter. Let me provide some context to this statement. Last night, my housemates and I were getting ready to watch something on Disney +, and I offhandedly commented to Emily that I had struggled this week with certain sins. Fast forward to this morning, and she found me in the kitchen baking a caramel cake. She looped back to last night's brief conversation and told me that she heard me in that moment but also wondered if I was using that time and space as a way to check off a box (me struggling with certain sins + casual acknowledgement of it in community = palms wiped clean and not having to worry about it anymore). Box checked. I realized this morning that my nonchalant manner in last night's conversation was certainly a defense mechanism - I know I struggle with certain things and I know that there is freedom in openly admitting those things with people who know me well but am I willing to take that step and be completely vulnerable? 

The thing is, there is a distinction between transparency and vulnerability - the former is an openness to be real but I think the latter creates a space of rebuke, feedback and accountability within community. It is an invitation where I get to invite others to see the ugly pieces of who I am, but trust that they love me and will stick around. Vulnerability is not comfortable, but praise the Lord, he has given me a community of women who I trust with my heart and who I can be vulnerable with. I admit there are certain sins that I have become comfortable with, and that is a dangerous state of existence. For a while now, I've felt the Holy Spirit nudging me to be more vulnerable with the women I live with; for a while now, I have distracted myself and pushed those small prompts into a tiny corner in the back of my heart/mind. 

All this to say, the walls must come down. I want to continue to be sanctified and transformed. 

Deep Calls

In the cool of the day, I come before you          
Unabashedly so. Heart exposed.                 
The whole point of my existence is found        
in the cool of the day, in the wake of your presence.

I have come to stay a while, and to simply be.

Jonathan Ogden's worship sessions... highly recommend. 

Wholeheartedly

There's a quote I really like that was articulated by Solzhenitsyn. It goes something like this:

"If only there were evil people somewhere, insidiously committing evil deeds, and it were necessary only to separate them from the rest of us and destroy them. But the line dividing good and evil cuts through the heart of every human being, and who is willing to destroy a piece of his own heart?"

I think one adjective that really irks me is the word good. I can't claim it for myself, I can't expect it from other people. The thing is, the older I get, the more I see that goodness is conditional (like many other descriptives). Goodness is tied intricately to context and emotions; indeed, I confess that oftentimes, I'm good to other people because I am motivated by what I will gain from the experience. I may gain positive emotions, mutual friendship, the list goes on. The thing is, I am not a good person. All too often, I experience flashes of selfishness, pride, greed, contempt, rebelliousness - again, the list goes on.

So... That's pretty depressing. This heart condition characterized by fickleness is pretty disheartening. And yet, I'd like to counter Solzhenitsyn by saying that there is an alternative option that ushers in hope. Yes, no one is willing to destroy a piece of his own heart, but it is quite possible that a heart can be renewed and transformed. It involves dying to self and surrendering to the Lord. It involves not simply a piece of your heart, but the entirety of it, with all of its hills and valleys and caves and open fields. 

Why do I desire to give the Lord the entirety of my heart? Because in all of my 27 years, I have found that no one can take care of it better than Christ. Because so much of my inner and external transformation is deeply rooted in knowing the Lord and living with him and in community.

Shotgun Conversations Part II

I was driving home from work the other day, and had a really random conversation with the Lord. It went something like this:

"Lord, you know what? I don't really experience the deep loneliness I used to feel anymore."

As soon as I spoke those words (well, not out loud because that's just weird), a startling realization struck me. Growing up and for most of my life, I would experience a day-to-day dizzying anxiety rooted in this lie that I was abandoned and alone. There were physiological symptoms and I would turn inward and isolate, all the while carrying shame and the belief that I was unworthy.

That moment in the car made me ponder my thoughts. Lord, I don't experience the same loneliness I used to.

And the Lord spoke. Grace, you aren't the same person you used to be. You have a greater reassurance of my presence.

It is so freeing - this reassurance that I am loved. That there is nowhere I could run or hide that could possibly separate me from the love of God.

Life & Death

Lord, today I lament because yesterday I was at work and found out that Sam's brother committed suicide earlier that morning. I moved through the day in a daze, not able to comprehend simple tasks; indeed, my thoughts kept going to Sam and her family. My thoughts kept dwelling on her dad, who found Dan earlier that morning. I grieve and mourn because this incidence has unearthed my own history and the instances when I witnessed suicide attempts in my own family. My deep fears growing up were never realized, however, and my sister lives. Yet, these fears have taken on a new reality because Sam is like my blood sister and I lament because she no longer has her brother. My heart and mind cannot comprehend this new reality. My faith cannot wrap itself around what life has become for Sam and the rest of her family. I lament.

A few weeks ago, a person came into my life unexpectedly. In one life-changing moment, Nastassja encountered Jesus and his unconditional love. She asked for guidance, and felt prompted by the Holy Spirit to reach out to my housemate (they are both medical students at UIC who interacted minimally at school prior to this season). My housemate started meeting up with her every Sunday and brought her over to our house this past Sunday. I got to hear firsthand her story and I couldn't help but cry and sit awestruck as she recounted her experience with the Lord and the ensuing desire she had to learn all about him. Nastassja and I have been texting back and forth scripture passages this week and she's going to come over this Sunday so we can make homemade bread and ricotta cheese and talk some more about the Lord.

These two stories are such a stark juxtaposition that honestly, leaves me with a range of intense emotions. The same God that encountered Nastassja so powerfully could have met Dan and prevented his death. Why one and not the other? This question keeps running through my head and I think the only prayer I can pray right now is that I would be okay with the unknown.

Speak into the Void

* "In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. The earth was without form and void, and darkness was over the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God was hovering over the face of the waters." -Genesis 1:1-2

My roommate drew my attention to this formidable passage, and the ensuing writing is based off of our conversation this afternoon. As of late, I find myself wrestling internally with the void that I feel at times, a void that seems infinite in its inability to be satisfied or filled. Sure, I can throw all sorts of things into the chasm, whether it be occupying myself and having a busy schedule or buying things I don't need. The list goes on. The most insidious part of it all? I have to admit that there is a lie that I have chosen to believe that God can't possibly satisfy me. There is a lie that I am not worthy of love because why then did my dad leave? Why then does he maintain distance? Why is he still absent, even after 26 years? I am left to my own devices. I am left to push against the boundaries of God's grace and mercy with this this line of thought: if I push just enough, then will you continue to love me? Because Lord, if you stopped pursing me, then things would make sense. I am unworthy of your love, just as I was unworthy of my own father's love right from the beginning. 

These lies run so deep, and my default mentality is so broken. But let's not end here, let's loop back to the beginning of this post. In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. The earth was without form and void, and darkness was over the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God was hovering.

For those of you who have cracked open the bible, you know that this is a profound moment. Subsequently God speaks and starts to create everything out of nothing. And to what purpose? So that his creation would be his dwelling place and would point to his glory. When I look at this passage, I am reminded that the same God who did this is with me and can speak into the deep chasm that I feel within me. Not only that, but that this is a space that is occupied by the Holy Spirit. I may feel empty at times, but the truth of the reality is, the Holy Spirit is within me, reassuring me that to live is to be loved by God, nothing more nothing less. 

June Update

These past few weeks have been a whirlwind. I woke up one morning and noticed a text from a friend saying that I should apply to a community health RN position posted on Rush University Medical Center's website. I didn't hesitate and ended up applying that morning. Fast forward the next week and I found myself in communication with Anthony Mask, the director of faculty practice. He set me up with a formal interview with the dean, which I went on to have a few days ago. One thing lead to another, and she informally offered me an opportunity to be a part of a team that would go out to various communities that don't have access to care and provide COVID-19 education and testing, give or take 6-12 months. She asked me to take a few days to think about it, especially because the position itself would be unlike other positions due to its novelty. She also told me that I would transition to other opportunities within Rush once the teams were no longer needed and the pandemic waned.

As I was spending time with the Lord the other day, I knew that I would accept the offer and email Dr. Moss and Anthony back. Throughout my conversations with both of them, I felt so much peace and got this sense that the Lord was opening a door for me to step through. And as I sat in the moment, I started to cry because to accept would mean that I would be ending my time at Philz Coffee and Sugar Beet Food Co-op. More than anything, the tears were catalyzed by this burden on my heart for the friendships I have made through both of these jobs, and the realization that I would no longer see my co-worker friends on a day-to-day basis. That I would no longer be able to pursue them and love on them. Ok, so I'm being a bit dramatic because obviously I can still maintain these friendships. Still, a part of me is reminded of how much I want the people around me to experience the love of the Lord. To experience the freedom of his love and the fullness of it. A part of me is reminded that I am not their Savior, and that the Lord will continue to pursue them, even after I step out and move on to different opportunities. Still, my heart stung and I sat there weeping like a baby.

Once again, the Lord asks me to lay down everything at the altar: complacency, the delusion that I am in control of my life and future, fear that he hasn't already equipped me for the job up ahead, friendships that are ultimately gifts from him. And once again, I move forward with my palms open.

Shotgun Conversations

I was driving home from work today and I had a conversation with the Lord that went something like this:

grace: "lord, following you is really hard. it's not that I'm less of a sinner, it's the reality that I become more sensitive to my sinful heart as I grow in relationship with you. Sometimes, I feel that it would be better to live in ignorant bliss of my divided heart. I am unable to follow you wholeheartedly."

god: "but grace, whenever you fall (which won't stop anytime soon), you always turn back to me."

grace: "you're right.. but lord, sometimes I feel like a hypocrite. I don't walk the walk. I talk a lot."

god: "I promise that as you continue to turn to me, I'll be the one to change you."

This is the God I serve. I glorify the Lord in this moment because the truth of the reality is, I am unable to change myself and my heart. My heart is deceptive; it deceives me and I realize that I can't fully trust it. The process is entirely in God's hands; my role is to simply come before him again and again whenever I fall short. 

It's not that I'm religious or righteous or a condemned sinner. I am first and foremost a beloved daughter of the King. And that is an identity I can accept wholeheartedly. 

This Mystery

help me understand
the process of hearts softening
hearts responding
to seismic shifts
impossible by might

help me to understand
the minutia; the extraordinary
instance of a heart turned
and inclined towards you

help me understand
the process of unseen grace
that propels lives in different trajectories
and initiates pilgrimages that extend far beyond
seen horizons

Fruits of the Spirit

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. -Galatians 5:22-23 

I wonder what would happen if I prayed more earnestly for the aforementioned fruits of the Spirit? My love is wanting; my joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control  are all minimal at best. 

What if I stopped praying for and asking the Lord for temporary pleasures and asked for greater treasures like deeper love, greater joy and peace, self-control in areas where I overindulge?

I would be a different person than the one I am today. Man, I can just see it in my mind's eye: a Grace that is so drawn to the Lord and is filled over and over with His love and loves people radically. A Grace that is filled with a joy that is not simply emotional or contextual, but rooted in the Gospel. A Grace that enjoys gifts from the Lord, but knows when to set boundaries and turn to the Lord for ultimate satisfaction. Even as I write this, I know that to some degree, these things are all true. But wow, I want more. I need more. And I know it is out of God's faithfulness to pour out these gifts upon me. All I need to do is ask. 

When I Despair

When I despair over my pride, my selfishness, my neediness, my inability to love well,
help me to turn to you. Help me to desperately run to you.

Unceasing

A few weeks ago, I found myself praying to the Lord to use this unprecedented season to bring me back to a state where my heart was re-enamored and re-infused with his love. I found myself with this desire of not wanting to simply pass this time numbly and mindlessly, but instead reconnect with the Lord in deeper and more intimate ways. I subscribed to the monthly devotional subscription that She Reads Truth offers, downloaded the app, and began to incorporate early morning rhythms of sitting before the Lord in silence and in his word. In the beginning, I sensed that there was anger and bitterness in my heart towards my dad in the aftermath of my most recent interaction with him so I wept a lot in front of the Lord and just laid my heart bare before him. And true to who He is, the Lord met me in those spaces.

Recently, I just started a new reading plan via SRT centered around giving thanks and as I read yesterday's devotional (https://shereadstruth.com/why-do-we-give-thanks/), I started to give thanks to the Lord and before I knew what was happening, I found myself crying and crying from gratitude. Who am I that the Lord would draw near? Who am I that even in my wretchedness and selfishness that the Lord would continue to lavish his love on me? Recently, my friend Kimmy helped initiate a fund at my church to help undocumented immigrant families financially (families that will most likely not be getting a stimulus check due to their status), and I remember talking to her and just sitting in my room in awe at how God was moving. In the days prior, I felt a small thought embed itself into my mind as I was running: what if I donated a portion of my stimulus check to help my neighbors? (As a side note, some of my best thoughts occur on my long runs). I didn't think too deeply about it, however, until yesterday. As I spent time with the Lord, the thought of donating to the fund popped into my head once again and I knew that I wanted to obey the Lord and donate. So I donated and instantly, I could feel the Lord's pleasure. And wow, that made me cry some more. Why is it so hard to obey you, Lord? You are so worthy to be trusted and obeyed. You are so worthy of it all. And not only that, but obeying you in that moment was not a chore or burden. It did not feel like I was pressured into giving nor did it feel like I had to earn your love. You poured your love out on me and I simply responded in an act of worship centered on gratitude. And I was able to bask in your love even more.

Lately, I've been memorizing scripture and my most recent one has been 1 John 4:19: "We love because He first loved us." Indeed, the love of God is active; it is not stagnant. His love is unceasing, limitless, without human limitations and void of brokenness. It is raw in its consuming holiness and will not be quenched - it is his pleasure to give us more.

Lastly, I texted my mom yesterday and she responded by saying, "Grace, I just deposited double the amount you donated in your account. Can you donate to the Solidarity Fund on my behalf as well?" I just love that this was her response to my text. I just love that I am not surprised by my mom's response. I just love that she loves to love.

Olive Trees

the olives trees that reside in this heart

do not extend their branches unwittingly

these branches tremble, cautiously unfurl 

and offer an opportunity to meet, and to talk 

beneath sun-drenched leaves 

these are the kinds of dreams that linger

and yet I am too aware that forgiveness does not equal reconciliation  

and so for now I forgive (but cannot forget), 

and continue to cultivate the olive trees 

in my heart 

--

God, I pray that you would protect my heart in the midst of disappointment. I pray that you would protect me from the depression that lurks too close for comfort. I pray that you would be my joy, my solace, and my strength. I don't know why my dad does what he does; help me to be satisfied in you, Lord. 

Love Holds No Record

These are the words that turned my stomach upside-down as I live-streamed my church's service via zoom this Sunday. We have been going through a series on forgiveness and I was so convicted, primarily because I realized just how far I have been from reflecting the love of Christ. My track list of how I've wronged the Lord is a running list, and yet, the Lord does not hold it against me. He forgave me at the Cross, and he continues to forgive me. If this is the reality of my existence, who am I to expect the people around me to be perfect? They will not be; they will never be. I recently read an article by Henri Nouwen called Moving from Solitude to Community to Ministry - in it he talks about how forgiveness is "to allow the other person not to be God". The truth is I keep mental track records, and the longest one pertains to my dad. For the longest time, I have moved through life assessing and tracking his ability to fulfill his role as my father. For the longest time, I have held unto the past, and allowed it to cling unto me and shape my present reality and relationships.

I realize that even as I acknowledge that I have been wronged by my dad I cannot allow that to prevent me from forgiving him. I acknowledge that he hasn't been a great father and has been absent for most of my life. But I also acknowledge that he is less than perfect; he is not God and cannot fill the emptiness I at times feel. Only God can do that, and he is faithful in his endeavors of pursing me moment-by-moment.

For the first time in many many years, I sent my dad a text last night asking if he was doing okay. We exchanged a few texts, and even though it wasn't a full-blown conversation, I trust that the Lord is in the process.

https://entermission.typepad.com/my_weblog/files/moving_from_solitude_to_community_to_ministry_henri_nouwen.pdf

http://thenewcom.com/sermons/2020-03-22/relationship-repair-pt-2/

I Can't, But You Can

I can't follow you wholeheartedly (breathe in)
But you can empower me to do so with the help of the Holy Spirit (breathe out)

I can't love my friends and family sacrificially (breathe in)
But you can fill me with your love and overflow to those around me (breathe out)

I am unable to lead my lifegroup/microgroup perfectly (breathe in)
But you are fully capable of using weakness for your glory (breathe out)

I do not know what my first nursing job will look like (breathe in)
But you know and will furthermore help me and be with me (breathe out)

I am prone to wander, my heart is fickle and I fail to fully trust you (breathe in)
You fully understand and meet me exactly where I'm at (breathe out)

I am a sinner and have a frustrating tendency to walk away from you (breathe in)
You continue to pursue me relentlessly, all the while calling me beloved (breathe out)


Thankful list:
-Last Friday I got to meet with Jane and Susie and I'm so thankful because I got to have a great conversation with Jane and she really ministered to my heart

-Shannon invited me to check out Worship With Friends and it was seriously such a powerful night of worship and prayer.

-Saturday's ski trip with people from lifegroup. Wow. It was such a beautiful day - the sun was out and felt warm on the slopes. I went from screaming my head off on the bunny hill to skiing like a champ on the green and blue slopes (mind you, I think the level of difficulty doesn't quite fully translate equally over to Utah slopes). My friend Blair casually commented that I went from "zero to hero." I'm super excited to ski this upcoming winter in Salt Lake with my sister and her boyfriend. We ended the day by getting seolleongtang at Han Bat and it hit ! the ! spot ! Especially the Korean instant coffee after, which brought a lot of nostalgia and memories of my study abroad in Seoul.

-Last night, a group of women from church met up and we had the Peking duck dinner at Sun Wah and I'm so thankful that I got to catch up and get to know better some of the women outside my lifegroup. We went and got boba after and my heart felt so full of community/fellowship.

Thank you for these good gifts, Lord.

Seas Part

This week I am humbled because in the aftermath of my last post, God did a mighty thing that elicited a visceral reaction. The other night, I went to bed early at like 9 pm because I had an opening shift the next day. Around midnight, my phone rang and I woke up - as I glanced at my phone, my initial reaction was one of dread because I realized it was my sister calling. To clarify, I guess I'm a bit conditioned to respond this way because growing up, I grew to associate late night calls from my sister with really bad news. I picked up right away, and sure enough, my sister was crying. She proceeded to tell me that she got into the graduate program back in Salt Lake. In my sleepiness, I tried to process the information and then it sank in. God made the impossible possible. She got in.

Let me backtrack. My sister's history is a convoluted one, and while it is not my story to tell, I'll share the skeletal bits that will clarify this testimony. She dropped out of college during the first semester more than 10 years ago and went back to finish her undergrad a few years ago. Throughout most of this time, she worked as a waitress (and continues to do so) and as you can imagine, going back to college took an intentionality that can be comparable to a huge leap of faith across a chasm of doubt. She voiced similar sentiments with applying to grad school last year and when I was home for Christmas, I got to talk to her and encourage her with some words that I felt like the Lord was asking me to speak over her. Last month, my sis got an in-person interview and left the interview feeling pretty dejected because it was brought up that she had a DUI from almost ten years ago. Basically, even though her application was a strong one, chances that she would get in were slim due to the fact that she might not be able to finish the practicum portion of the program due to the DUI. She met with a lawyer and looked into expediting the expungement process (it takes around 10 years for a DUI to be taken off of a record) and realized that she might have to put school on hold.

Throughout this process, I felt like God was going to answer my family's prayers in a big way and show my sister how he was pursuing her. Sure enough, I could hear the amazement in her voice as she repeatedly told me that she got in and that God had opened up a door. She had gotten an email from the school with an informal acceptance and a statement that the school would make an exception.

After we hung up, I laid in my bed trying to process everything. And then the tears came, and I found myself weeping. For most of my life, I have had a huge burden for my sister and there have been many times when I have prayed and ugly-cried for my sister by myself (to the point where past roommates have knocked on my door and asked if I was okay). I wept and wept and I guess I was pretty noisy because Liz knocked on my door and came in and I looked up at her and said, "these are joyful tears".

He makes the impossible possible; he parts red seas.

Disorientation

In every Christian's life, there are cyclical seasons: orientation, disorientation, and reorientation. I guess you can think of the first as a season where you first encounter Christ and everything around you seems to pulsate with joy and life. You experience what freedom from sin looks like. You marvel at how the love of Christ can hit your heart so hard and fill the deep ache inside you that you realized has been inside you all of this time. You see yourself through the lens and eyes of Christ, as someone who is innately worthy and deeply beloved.

Ah, if only we could stay in this season of orientation. But alas, we live in a broken and fallen world and we ourselves are broken and fallen creatures. Thus, seasons of disorientation are - on this side of heaven - to be expected. Fogginess. Confusion and doubt. The burden of sin and the experience of receiving and inflicting pain. Prayers that are unanswered. All this and more can characterize seasons of disorientation and give rise to questions like "Where are you, God?" and "What in the world are you doing?" To be frank, I am in a season of disorientation. I feel the heaviness of unanswered prayers that reaches far back into the past and the lethargy of not knowing what the future holds. I feel the present tension and discomfort of not being completely satisfied. I can distract myself, but in the end, must acknowledge face-on that I still feel empty.

Just as seasons of orientation cannot last forever, seasons of disorientation have the power to be spaces where we experience our need for God in the valley. It is in this space that I am fully dependent on him to meet me and reorient me back to him. I can trust that he will do so, because he has done it for me in the past. Right. He was with me when my dad walked out when I was a year old and when my sister was victim to trauma; he was with me when as a small kid I came home from school to a dark and empty house; he was with me when I experienced disappointment after disappointment in my relationship with my dad during my teenage years/early twenties; he was with me when I experienced depression at Wheaton College; he was with me when I experienced severe depressive disorder and suicidal ideation in 2016. He was with me.

And I know you still are. And I know that I would rather utter prayers that have the word 'with' instead of 'for'. Pastor Peter preached on this entire post yesterday at church and I appreciated the reminder that prayers that have the word 'for' usually result in disappointment in God. God, I'm waiting for this and that and why aren't you moving and why aren't you answering my prayers?  I'm reminded that incorporating the word 'with' can be a powerful shift that allows God to make himself known even in the gloomiest of seasons. Because let's be real, the presence of God in even the darkest of seasons can be a powerful experience that changes you and cultivates faith and intimacy. So, God, walk with me in this season; be with me; show me who you are.

t h a n k f u l L I S T

-Even though I didn't get offered the job at Rush Oak Park Hospital, it was a good learning opportunity

-Thankful for my life group and the solid people in this community

-I got offered a job (!!!); one of the store managers from Sugar Beet Food Co-op called me last Friday and said she kept my application on file from last summer and asked if I had any availability to work part-time. Seeing that I'm working less than part-time at Philz Coffee, I gladly accepted. So! I start my first training shift this Sunday evening! haha also, here is a snippet of how my phone conversation went with the manager: "Gina, I'm so... glad that you called! I just feel so affirmed that an employer wants to hire me." Note that this phone conversation was riding the coattails of my not so great in-person interview at ROPH the previous day.

-My mom called me today and told me, "Grace, you have nothing to worry about. Just thank God for everything." And you know what? She's totally right. I need to stop wallowing in the unknowns and trust that I know a God who knows all. Isn't that something that should elicit worship? As I work these two jobs, I'll continue to apply for different nursing jobs and opportunities and trust that it'll work out eventually. But in the meantime, I don't want to miss out on worshiping the Lord and trusting him in the process.

when I'm sad, I write

so here goes.

The interview at Rush Oak Park Hospital last week left me confused. doubtful. flustered. down.
All my insecurities of why I put nursing on the back-burner these past few months were only amplified as I set foot in the hospital and began to intensify as my interviewer (the nursing supervisor) grilled me on a variety of nursing and patient-related questions. To be fair, the questions she asked me were all relevant and I probably should have been better prepared going into this first interview. For the most part, I was able to answer most of her questions; still, I found the heat creeping up my neck and into my face as I blanked on a few of the more important ones. Maybe I was super tired from working the opening shifts the previous day and also earlier that morning, but the overall interview left me feeling a bit dejected and deflated. I am scared to be a nurse aka I am scared of the unknown and the challenges that being a new nurse will bring. I know that there is a bigger calling on my life to go abroad but I also know that I need to experience being a nurse in a hospital stateside before I leave. Why am I being so resistant to the process? A better question I need to pose is: is the so-called "process" something I am trying to control or am I letting God take the reign? Maybe I'm not meant to work in a hospital as an in-patient nurse right now in this season. Maybe I am. I dunno. Thus, the confusion and fogginess.

I had a dream the other night where I was at the airport and was frantically trying to board my flight to get to my destination (for some reason the destination in my dream was South Korea - I think it probably refers to my desire to go abroad). In my dream, I was trying to navigate the airport to check-in my bags and get through security but I kept getting lost in what appeared to be a maze. I kept getting this sense that I had missed my flight. Interesting, right? Seems pretty reflective of my internal state.

God, wow, I really need you. I need you today. Would you meet me in my emotions, my doubt, my fear and insecurities? My resistance to you is rooted in a lack of trust in your great sovereignty and your great goodness and desire to see me flourish, regardless of what season I'm in. Help me to once again open my palms and surrender to you and your plan for my life. Help me to surrender the doubt and uncertainty. The unknown.

Thankful List

-The end of the Daniel Fast coincided with a phone interview with HR at Rush Oak Park Hospital, my sister's in-person interview for the grad program she applied to back in Salt Lake City, and an opportunity to have a heartfelt reconciliatory conversation with one of my housemates. All of these things aren't really coincidental; indeed, I believe that this season of fasting gave me space to engage the Lord's heart and grow closer to him. Aside from enjoying his presence, I also saw him move and orchestrate big things. An opportunity to apply to a nursing position kinda fell into my lap and I was immediately offered a phone interview the next business day. The phone interview went well and I'll be going to ROPH this Thursday for an in-person interview.

Going back to the fast, this was a huge milestone for me because I've always struggled with the spiritual discipline of fasting. And while it wasn't easy, I found that the past 21 days went by relatively quickly because I truly enjoyed spending more time with the Lord. During this timeframe, I found myself focusing less on food and more on the Lord. I learned to enjoy the foods I was able to eat. I savored the moments when I felt like the Lord was saying it was ok to break the fast to celebrate with my church community on different occasions. I pressed into his grace during the moments when I didn't stick to the fast and found myself eating Wheat Thins at Lisa's house. At the end of the day, I know the Lord saw my heart. The overarching theme is that the Lord is gracious and kind and desirous to meet us when we intentionally say no to some things in an effort to create more space for him to meet us.

-Thankful for being able to hang out with my mentor during her long layover. We went to Aba for brunch for restaurant week and we even got to swing by Philz Coffee prior to going out to eat.

-Thankful for pie from Bang Bang Pie and for being able to celebrate Sarah's birthday with her.

-Praying while running is a huge thing for me; I'm thankful that I can move my limbs and connect to the Lord during my runs

Delight

Delight yourself in the Lord,
and he will give you the desires of your heart.
-psalms 37:4-

The desires of my heart. What are the desires of my heart?
To encounter the Lord in the midst of my messiness.
To experience his love, even in the midst of my brokenness.
To walk intimately with him and to be able to respond to his love.

I find this verse to be amusing; indeed, for me, the desires of my heart are tantamount to delighting myself in him. Why then does this verse present itself as an if-then statement? Reprioritization of our desires i.e. the act of desiring him above comfort, stability, materialism, etc., can only result in our hearts being filled and more. He beckons us to encounter him and he promises to satisfy the inner void. Sometimes, we just need to encounter him to realize that he was always the greatest and deepest desire of our hearts.

Draw Near

This is another thankful list; here goes:

-Em's birthday was on Wednesday and I'm thankful that I got to spend some time with her and pray bold prayers while laying on her bed

-Arami birthday dinner

-Friends that encourage me and ask me hard questions aka "Grace, what's the real reason why you aren't looking for nursing jobs?" Well, I've come to realize that the real reason is that I'm pretty scared. I'm scared of responsibility and failure, of the possibility of disappointment and potential that I might not be cut out to be a nurse. I'm scared that I won't enjoy my job and that I'll be dragging my feet to work. But God, you already know all of this. You already know. And even though I don't know what or where to look for a job, I know that you are calling me once again to step out in faith. And I know that I don't need to know everything right now - that I can be completely satisfied in knowing the God who does in fact know all. And so I draw near, and I ask that you would once again guide my steps.

-I've become friends with a few of the regulars that come into Philz and one of them, Alex, complimented me by saying "Grace, you're the heart of Philz." And then another friend, Maria, gave me a tip over the bar last week. I'm thankful for Art, who comes in every day and orders a Philtered Soul extra extra sweet and creamy, and for the brief daily interactions we have. I'm thankful for Kyle, who wants to be Korean language buddies.

So many good gifts, Lord. Thank you.

Thankful List

-North Lawndale Bible Study Fellowship (BSF); for the past four or so months I have been going over to Lisa's house every Monday evening to study the book of Acts and various other books of the Bible with a group of women from all walks of life. We are currently looking at Hebrews and wow, I came back home marveling at who Christ is and how he lived on this earth as fully human and fully God. Like, he knew what temptation looked like and yet, because he was fully divine, didn't submit to temptation. Rather, he lived in complete trust and obedience to God. He instead submitted to God's will and plan for him (which was to die for my sins). He died for me - my relationship with God has been restored and I can live in the fullness of that. LIKE WHAT!?! I've been walking with the Lord for a while now, but wow, I can't help but marvel in response to tonight's study.

-Thankful for moments when I can be still before the Lord and rest

-Thankful for the random banchan I picked up at the Korean mart after church yesterday (I swear, being Korean makes so much sense sometimes, even if I feel like a foreigner whenever I do step inside of a Korean market)

-Thankful for the opportunity to say sorry to a coworker that I snapped at the other day and for her gracious response (I was crabby because well, I was hangry)

-Thankful for a stack of new books that consist of authors such as Wendell Berry, Michelle Obama and Sakaya Murata

Thankful List

-21-day fast with Chicago Tabernacle (specifically doing the Daniel Fast); I'm loving this daily devotional that Chi Tab put out: https://www.chicagotabernacle.org/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/21-day-fast-Devotional_200420_SJL-1.pdf
-Spending time with the Lord early in the morning
-Leadership dinner at Matt's house
-Leadership retreat at church today
-The transparency and vulnerability that is reflected in my church community
-A community that is missional and passionate about engaging the heart of Jesus
-Obsessed with nice cream aka frozen bananas, cocoa powder, peppermint extract, and macadamia milk - this combo literally tastes like chocolate chip mint ice cream

Lord, thank you for your gifts. Thank you Holy Spirit for moving and for allowing me to see glimpses of how you are moving. Help me to press in and intentionally carve out spaces where I am still before you.

A Note

A friend recently urged me to start praying for my husband, and for some reason or other her words stuck with me. Mostly I pray for your relationship with the Lord, that it would be a dynamic and beautiful reality. That it would convict you, humble you, spark a flame in you. That your outlook on life would be missional and constantly centered on bringing glory to the King. That in moments of failure, all things would fall away but the cross and the covering of grace that is upon you.

I pray that you would be gentle and caring and kind to the people around you. And that you would take me with all of my moods and provide a space where I feel taken care of. Where I feel safe. That you would empathize with me the dark pieces of my past and that you would attempt to understand how I at times project my broken relationship with my father unto other relationships. I pray that you would reflect the faithfulness of Christ in our relationship.

Maybe this is a stretch but I also pray that your family would know and love the Lord. Perhaps the biggest prayer that I carry in my heart is that you would love my mom like you are her own son, without any urging on my part. That you would enjoy her presence as much as I do, and that you would see her as the extraordinary woman that she is. I pray that our marriage would not be hoarded and limited to just us, but that it would naturally embrace both our families, both physical and spiritual.

I pray that this transitional time would be one in which you are being equipped and that you would take great delight in living each day with the Lord. I pray that the inevitable discovery of oneself would be done alongside Christ. 

I don't think these prayers are random; indeed, I get the sense that our paths will soon cross. Until then, shalom, dear one.